Thoughts of a new year

Unless a Christmas miracle took place, I am about to enter another new year without being pregnant. I've been a pretty quiet blogger lately and I'm not really sure why that is. I guess because I have been taking some time off from TTC and therefore have not been completely wrapped up in my cycle, treatments or symptoms. And it has been a nice change of pace. Not nice enough to get out of the game for good just yet, but nice just the same.

I mentioned it before and I've been trying really hard to realize that there truly may not be a baby for me at the end of this road. I've been trying to envision a new reality with this outcome and what my life will look like. I've been trying to picture each one of my younger sisters as they continue to announce pregnancies - I have four younger sisters so that is A LOT of picturing. I've been doing everything within my mental power to be genuinely happy and at peace with the fact that my sister is going to have a baby in three weeks or less. As the result of an accidental pregnancy.

I've been trying. And most days? It works.

The only thing that I stumble upon is the idea that Keegan will never have a sibling. That just makes me so very sad and then I have to start trying all over again.

It's a lot of work.

There is so much to be thankful for in my life and I am blessed beyond words that I was able to experience pregnancy, birth and life with my amazing son. I focus on that and it puts so much into perspective. I still don't think it is fair, but I am trying to accept that I have no control over any of this. Hell, I am trying accept period.

This new year will bring another IUI, maybe two and, of course, hope. It also brings a hard reality - if we are not successful in the next couple of cycles, this year will bring with it the end of TTC. The end of a dream.

I really hope it does not end that way. But it might. And that is what I am busy doing during this quiet time. Mentally preparing. Of course, I've also been working like crazy, hosting Christmas, spending time with family and eating a ton. But you get the picture.

Happy Holidays? I think not.

Things have been busy here. My new position is very time consuming, DH has been flying quite a bit more than usual - he was on a four day flight last week and leaves again tomorrow for a three day flight, and well, it is the holiday season. So, busy? Yes.

To add to the chaos, I haven't liked DH very much lately. In my opinion, he's just been a jerk. When he is home, that is. He is moody, in general. He gets it from his dad although God forbid if I ever say anything like that to him because he "is NOTHING like his dad!" - only he is. So, he goes in phases of being grumpy at the world and here we are, smack dab in the middle of one of those lovely phases. I find that I am less and less tolerant of these phases. I just don't like him right now and don't have time for his BS so I completely ignore him as much as possible. But it still nags at me to the point where it almost ruins my day and then I get angry. Because why should my husband's foul mood ruin my day? It's stupid and unfair.

I'm not going to even get in to the issues that set him off. Just know, that they are not anything outside the ordinary crap that we all deal with. He just has a shitty way of dealing with the problems and his emotions. And he definitely takes out his frustrations with me and by being a big jerk.

Also? I am sick of bleeding. I had my lap on 12/2 - exactly a week ago and I am still bleeding. I am guessing (?) that I now have my period. It was due tomorrow but with all the commotion, I am guessing it was jump started? I have no idea. I spotted off and one for a few days after my surgery and then stopped for a couple. Then, as of Sunday, it started up pretty heavy. I am not sure what to think. I also have cramping on top of the already sore and bruised organs in that area - topped off with my two incisions that are still healing. That whole area?? Yeah, it is off limits! God. This only ads to DH's crappy mood I am sure. Although, why should I care about that?? I am the one that has to deal with all the crap that is happening to my body.

I was talking to my best friend the other day and she pointed out that I had said I was tired about five times in our short conversation and that in her opinion, I was mildly depressed. She said it sarcastically but seriously and she is right. I am depressed and stressed.

'Tis the time of year, huh?

Still here, still not pregnant

Sorry that I've been MIA but I've had a lot going on and also have been ignoring IF as much as possible.

First, I got a promotion at work! Yay! This is something that I have been seeking for a long time and truly had pretty much given up any hope of it happening. Then, unexpectedly - it did. Life is weird that way and I've been trying to use that situation to put other parts of my life into perspective - but I'll get into that some other time. The bottom line with the promo - more money. More money makes the costs of IF treatments a little bit easier to swallow. I guess.

Second, I hosted Thanksgiving at our house. It was a good time and nice to hang out with family but it was also a lot of work! I took the day off before to clean and prepare and then spend the entire day after cleaning once again for my sister's baby shower which was the Sunday after T-day.

Third, my sister's baby shower. Yes, because I love to torture myself, I was the host. Actually, I didn't have too much of a choice as she not so much as asked me but told me that she wanted me to be the host. So, I was. I did pretty well, all things considered. I invited my best friend and made sure I always had eye contact with her so that I could let her know that I hated every minute of it. At any rate, having my BF there made everything more bearable. And as far as she goes...I have not heard an inkling of pregnancy from her. But I'm guess she is - or just about to find out. Gulp.

Fourth, I had a pelvic laporascopy. My doctor decided to go ahead with this to rule out any unknowns with me - cysts, scarring, endo, blocked tubes, etc. Guess what? Everything checked out perfectly. Yet another test that I aced. I don't know how I feel about that either. I mean on one hand, I am so glad that there is nothing wrong with me and we do not have another obstacle to face. On the other hand, I was hoping for some solid reason why we weren't pregnant - something they could FIX. Not so much.

We really, truly are faced with Male Factor IF due to low morphology. It seems so weird to me that his stupid low morph is what has kept us from getting pregnant for over TWO years. Especially considering there has been at least one egg, sometimes more every single cycle of that two years. Crazy when you think of all the people out there who get pregnant without even remotely trying. Like my sister.

The lap went pretty well and wasn't as painful as I feared it would be. Part of that, I'm sure, is because my doctor didn't have to do much work in there. Everything looked great so she just poked around a bit and flushed out my tubes (which were not blocked) and closed me up. I was only out for about an hour. The procedure was only on Tuesday so I am still sore and tired. My belly button incision is bothering me the most because it is always rubbing against the waistline of my pants so matter what I do. The gas bubbles that travel up to my neck and shoulders aren't much fun either. But overall, I'm fine and it wasn't bad at all.

We're taking a couple weeks off of TTC. Well, technically, I am on CD 24 and I'm not really sure if I'll get a real period now or not? If I do stay on schedule, our next chance at TTC would be over Christmas Eve and Day...hmmm....maybe a Christmas miracle? LOL. Yeah right. Once I see if my cycle is still on track and I make some pretty big payments to our RE, we are probably looking at another IUI after the first of the year. Happy 2009. Or whatever. I can't believe we are going into another year and still aren't pregnant.

In the meantime, I am going to focus on letting my body heal and enjoying the holidays with my family. Count my blessings and all that crap. :)

D Day

Well, it hasn't arrived yet but it will. Today is CD29 and I ovulated on CD 15 so today is the day. All boob soreness is officially gone and I have absolutely NOTHING in the way of symptoms. I am not even considering taking a pregnancy test because it is not worth the time and effort. This cycle did not work.

I have been very pleasantly surprised by my DH's full speed forward, positive attitude this cycle. I have felt more like a team with him than ever before and I was nervous that when this day came, his spirit would be crushed and it would all go down-hill from there. Not so. He told me yesterday that he wants to jump right back into another IUI cycle right away which pretty much shocked me. Unfortunately, the reality is that we'll have to wait at least one more cycle, if not two for that for a couple of reasons. One, we're heading to Ve*gas for (my) work tomorrow and would miss the first four days of the cycle so no baseline. No baseline us/ = no medicated cycle.

Also, we owe the clinic about $1,200 for this shitty failed cycle. Last time we had a balance, they did not let us start a new one until the old one was paid off. With Christmas coming, our car insurance and tabs (on both cars) due by the end of November as well as all our normal bills - I just do not see us paying in full right now. It'll probably have to be spread out over two months.

Another reason - I just emailed my regular doctor about possibly doing a laporascopy in the next month. I just found out that I met my yearly deductible which is $250 so if I have the procedure done before December 31, I'll save that much and truly, every little bit helps. I'm not totally sold on the lap but I sort of figure what do I have to lose?? Worst case scenario, everything looks great and then I'll know, once and for all, that I am fine and we are truly and completely dealing with Male Factor. I'm just a little nervous about the procedure itself -and of course, what 20% of it will cost because that is what I'll be paying for. Ugh. I hate, hate, hate the money associated with IF and not having any IF insurance. It SUCKS.

Like I said, I am heading to Ve*gas tomorrow morning for four days. DH is coming with me and I am really looking forward to getting away. I knew going into this cycle that we'd either be in Ve*gas celebrating our success or drinking away our sorrows. I guess it'll be the latter.

At least we'll get to soak up the sun for a short while! It is supposed to be 75-78 degrees there and I think it is 29 degrees here right now. Focus on the positives, right?? I have a favorite quote by Hell*en Kel*ler and it says this, " Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot not see the shadows." I don't think any quote could be more true for me right now. So, that is how I am going to (try) and approach the next few days. I can't promise more than that but while we are out in the desert, where it is sunny and warm I think I can do it.

I'm so scared

My best friend very subtly told me that she was on her second month without her IUD. After the horrible shock of those words, two things went through my mind. One, why didn't she tell me that she had decided to take it out? We tell each other pretty much everything. I can't believe she left this "minor" detail out. But then I realized that she KNEW it wasn't a minor detail. She was trying to protect me the best way she could, by not telling me. She was scared of how I would react. The second thought was thank God she isn't pregnant. Yet. (I knew this because she was talking of her period since getting her IUD out.)

I won't lie...I was biting my cheek and doing everything in my power to not start crying. I'm just so sad and so scared. She is my best friend - I do not know what I'd do without her in my life. Yet, I do not know how I am going to react when she is pregnant a month or so from now - and I'm not. She has two girls now, 2 yrs and 4yrs, both conceived on the first try. Actually, without even "trying" in both cases. She will be pregnant and it will be soon.

What makes this situation so much more difficult for me is that she KNOWS. She knows, secondhand, what I am going through. She knows that I will be SO upset when she conceives easily again. But what can she do? Put her life and dreams on hold to pacify me? Of course not. I don't expect that. It won't make it hurt any less.

When my other best friend, my sister, found out that she had an accidental pregnancy, my biggest fear about the whole situation was that she would give birth and I will STILL not be pregnant. Well, my sister is due in late January. That gives me two more chances after this cycle. The odds are against me. And now? I will be dealing with that birth and all of the million emotions that will accompany it as well as the news of my best friends (3rd) pregnancy.

How am I going to get through this? How am I going to get through this and still be a functioning person? How am I going to get through this and still be a good friend and sister? I'm not sure I can. I'm really at a low right now and I do not know how to put it all into perspective.

Why me? I know that sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am but, I keep asking God that over and over again. WHY? I think we are good people and good parents. We have a good marriage and a nice home. Why is having children so hard for us?

I think about my best friend and it instantly brings tears to my eyes. I am so angry! Not at her, not at all at her. But at how nice it must be to just decide you it's time for another baby and *snap* you're pregnant. How exciting and fun it must be to plan it out. I'm so angry because all the fun is gone for DH and I in this area and we'll never get it back.

In the time it took my best friend to have her two girls and (probably) get pregnant with her third, I have gone through a total of 41 failed cycles, a dozen thermometers, dozens and dozens of doctors appointments, vigorous testing, three IUIs, numerous medicated cycles and thousands of dollars in medical bills.

What next? What if I shrivel up into a little ball of self-wallowing? What then?

8dpiui

And really nothing to report. Last night I felt like I had cramping in that area but who knows, it could be my subconcious knowing that it was prime implantation time or it could be the leftovers I had for dinner. As far as anything else? Nadda. No sore boobs, nothing.

I've still got a week to go but I can't even imagine that this will turn out positively and that scares the hell out of me. I've had one BFN too many and one more may just put me over the edge.

So, do you feel pregnant?

Hmmm...What can I relate this question to for those fertiles out there? I'll have to give it some thought. They just don't get it and why should they? This is the question that my mom asked me yesterday. She meant no harm, she said it cheerfully and with a smile on her face. Yet, I wanted to hit her. DON'T ASK ME THAT!! For so many reasons! One, it hurts. Two, I'm trying not to think about it. Three, it jinxes the situation. Four, even if I was pregnant, I wouldn't feel it yet. It probably wouldn't have even implanted yet. Five, it doesn't feel supportive or compassionate. It just doesn't. Six, don't ask me that. Just don't.

Just another casualty of IF is the distance that it has put between my mother and I. Don't get me wrong, we are very close still and she is a great mom. BUT I cannot talk to her about any of this. I just can't because she rarely says or does the right thing. Again, it is not her fault. She was extremely fertile. She has six kids and got pregnant on almost the first try each time. She just cannot comprehend what I am going through. And in my opinion, does not try very hard to either. And my sister? (For the record, I have four but I am referring to the pregnant one.) She is not any better. Maybe worse, actually.

On Sunday afternoon, I went over to my mom's to chat with her and my pregnant sister. I left Keegan at home so I could have a bit more quality time with them and just hang out. They decided to spend their time huddled together on the couch, shopping online for "cute" baby clothes and other baby items. I kid you not. My mom was fully aware of how my weekend had gone, back to back appointments at a fertility clinic and added IF costs that were stressing me out. Not to mention an IUI scheduled the next morning. But yet, her and my sister had their heads together ooooing and awwwing over this crap. Then they both started talking about the nursery furniture that had just been delivered and that my mom had bought for her. Nice.

Needless to say, I did not stay long. I just could not deal with it. I think I try pretty hard to be happy for my sister and be sensitive to the fact that this is a happy time for her. I just wish they could do the same for me. Understand and be sensitive to the fact that this is a horrible time for me.

I don't know what the answer is. I just know it hurts right now. I wish I could make them understand how emotional this is for me, how real it is and how final it potentially could be. They have never been faced with the fact that they may never have a baby. That it is physically impossible for it to happen and there isn't a damn thing they can do about it. It is out of the realm of their understanding.

They also don't understand that whether we get pregnant or not, there will always be scars. I've been robbed of the "fun" that they were able to experience when TTC. I doubt that I will ever experience a surprise pregnancy or not know exactly what CD I am on. Like my sister, I will never realize that I am a week late getting my period and never have the thought that I may be pregnant cross my mind. If we do conceive, it will most likely happen in a doctors office and will involve medical instruments and will not happen during the act of making love. In fact, if a miracle occurred and we did conceive from this last IUI, DH was not even present at the time of insemination. That sucks and I will never forget that.

Do I feel pregnant? The answer to that question is no. I feel angry.

The good, the bad and the unknown

All in no particular order. PS - this post was started on Friday but due to the drama, postponed.

I think I jinxed myself by saying, well, a lot of things. One, that I am regular. Two, that this cycle will only cost us about $800 and three, that I am calm. All those things have gone waaaaay down the tube.

I had my u/s on Friday, CD12 and things look okay. Not anywhere near great or good. This has never happened to me so I was caught a bit off guard. I had two almost mature follies, one at 15mm and one at 18mm, not ready to trigger yet. Also, I had a thin uterine lining at 5mm (is that the correct measurement?). They want it to be at least 8mm. NO GOOD. To top it off, they saw "fluid" in the uterus. This fluid could be water, blood or diet coke - they do not seem to know or care, as long as it reabsorbs. Oh - and my E2 levels were 465. Again, not good. My instructions when I left on Friday were to come back for another u/s and blood draw the next morning.

When I left there I was crushed. It wasn't horrible results, but I didn't get the green light either. One thing we've always been able to count on was my regular and near textbook cycles and responses to medication. This was just one more frustration to add to the list. Not to mention the added expense. Another u/s and blood draw would add another $400+ to the cost of this cycle.

So, Saturday morning I drove the hour to my clinic. Again. And the results were much better. My uterus looked great - no "fluid" and a lining of 9mm. My two follicles had grown to 22 and 24. Yay! The nurse gave me the green light to trigger that night. She also instructed DH and I to have intercourse that night coinciding with trigger. I've never been told this before, we've always been told to abstain. Hmmm...Whatever. It is worth a shot. She said that way we would be covered in case I ovulated on my own or earlier than the 36 hour trigger.

Monday, IUI day. I am feeling major ovulation pains and feeling good that we have the timing down pat. I triggered at 9pm on Saturday night and our IUI was at 1:45pm on Monday. Sunday I felt minor cramps and twinges but again, Monday brought major cramping. At one point I actually felt like I had my period due to the cramping (and bloating). So, timing. Good.

DH's sample. Not good. Our last two IUIs DH was at a count of 23 million and 18 million respectively. This time? 8 million. What the hell?? One, it may just be the black cloud of bad luck that follows us around. Two, it may be because we had intercourse about 36 hours prior, bringing his count down a bit. As in, not enough time to regenerate. I'm not sure. Bottom line, another kick in the shins.

Two follicles, 8 million swimmers. What are the odds??

BLAH

I feel like a turd on a log. Seriously. I don't know if it is the Clomid, the weather or just stress in general but I just have not been feeling great. For one, I'm bloated and feel so FAT. I'm sure that is mostly the Clomid. And the 10 extra pounds I am carrying. Sigh.

But I've also been sooooo tired and I have this weird lump in my throat. You know that lump you feel when you're trying not to cry? Yeah, that is what the lump in my throat feels like - and it isn't there because I am trying not to cry either. I don't know what it is? It has been kind of coming and going for awhile now. I first noticed it in July at my sisters wedding, it was there for a couple of days and then went away. It's been back a few times since then. Currently, I've felt it for three days. Constantly. It is driving me nuts.

I wonder if I am just fighting a virial infection? Or could it be something with my thyroid? My doctor check my thyroid last winter and said that it looked great but I did have a small cyst on it and it was nothing to be concerned about. Hmmm...should I have her look again? It's so weird!

Other than the above, I am just hanging tight until Friday's ultrasound. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all looks good and we'll be on schedule for IUI #3. I also am praying that I have more than one mature follicle. I've already been feeling quite a few twinges from my ovaries so it appears that they are responding.

Most of all, I wish that this is the cycle. The one to end all cycles. FOREVER. Because if we are granted the miracle to conceive just one more baby, then I will never, ever have to deal with TTC again. Does that sound like a dream come true or what?

CD8

Things are moving along. I started Clomid on Friday so I have three pills under my belt and will finish up with that tomorrow. I think it is making me crabby. I seriously just feel sort of bitchy so no apparent reason. Oh well. That's hormones for you. Plus, everytime I take Clomid my period seems to stop pretty abruptly. I think that must throw my body for a loop. When I am not on Clomid, I typically have 7-8 day periods (the last couple of days being light) but on a Clomid cycle (or a cycle right after a Clomid cycle), I have 5 day periods.

Keegan was borderline sick all weekend, fight a cold, so I am loading up on vitamins, juice and water. I do not need to get sick right now! That would be my luck. But seriously, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, I'm trying to will myself both healthy and pregnant.

Friday is my next u/s and hopefully I'll have more than one mature follicle and a green light for Sunday's IUI. My doctor is still "pushing" me (I use that term lightly) to try the natural touch healing but we're not sure if the timing will work. Her friend comes into town (she lives in Denver) Sunday but if my IUI is Sunday than it may be too late. She likes to do visit before conception and one right at conception. She also charges $100 a time so it's pretty spendy. Therefore, I'd rather have the timing down. We'll see what happens.

Not too much else is happening. Just playing the waiting game, as usual.

2 years = no baby

Hello cycle 24! And happy two years of TTC anniversary to me. I should get drunk and celebrate. But I won't. Somehow I have become very calm - not to be mistaken for at peace - with the situation. It is out of my control and as much as I wish there was something, anything I could do to control this aspect of my life - THERE JUST ISN'T.

I did take a much needed break from living, thinking and breathing IF. But in the last week or so I've been busy getting my feet wet again...

I emailed my regular doctor, who I LOVE and trust more than my RE (who I have seen once in a year and charges $400 for each meeting). Anyway, I asked my doc if she could think outside the box a bit and give me some advice, thoughts or whatever. I told her we were thinking of doing our third IUI this cycle but wanted to make sure there was nothing else we were missing (with me) or overlooking in general. I know that we'll never do IVF so I want to be as informed as I can going into another IUI. She suggested that I go ahead with another IUI but if it isn't successful, she wants me to consider doing a lap. She says that it wouldn't hurt to go in and take a look at exactly what is going on inside of me and just make sure that we are not missing anything. I am a little nervous about this procedure but I think I'm at the point of being willing to try anything.

Speaking of that, she also stated that she has a good friend that does natural touch healing. She asked if I would be open to trying something that far outside the box and I said, why not? She is trying to contact her friend about me and see if her friend would be willing to try and help me. I don't really get what she does but once my doc provides me with a little more info, I'll post it. She said that it works best right around the time of conception so she is going to see if she can get me in right around the day of our IUI. Interesting...huh? Especially since this is my doctor talking! I guess that is why I love my doctor.

So, IUI #3, here we come. I have a baseline ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning. That also means I have to pre-pay $1,000 tomorrow morning. What a joke. Especially, since I don't think our cycle will cost that much. I decided I am not going to do the blood tests, they have always shown that I ovulate and are good levels. So, that will save us a couple hundred. I will do the baseline u/s, clomid days 5-9, the follow up u/s at CD12, the trigger shot and then the IUI. I am not taking the progesterone suppositories. I have been doing a lot of reading about them and I do not think they are necessary for me. I don't have low levels, I have never spotted and carried a healthy pregnancy once already with no issues. They just seem like a waste of money and they are gross.

I think the cycle should cost about $805 all said and done. Totally worth it if we get a baby from it. If not...well, it wouldn't be the first time and that just sucks.

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Updated....I didn't get a chance to post this yesterday. I had my baseline u/s this morning and all went well. I am set and moving forward with this IUI cycle as planned. The other good news - they didn't ask for the $1,000 pre-pay. I'm going to take this as a sign that good luck is on our side this time!

I stepped out of the ring

Sorry about that but a break from the IF battle was much needed. I don't even know what CD I am on - I just know that I am somewhere in the 2ww and that is fine. Whatever.

I believe we are still on track to do an IUI next cycle but we really haven't spoken of it. I've also started thinking what it would be like if we really, truly do not come out of this battle on the positive end. That doesn't mean I have given up - yet - but I have just been trying to see the other flip of the coin. I mean, of course, we all think that eventually this thing will work out in our favor. How could it not, right? That all this pain and suffering is bound to pay off. It certainly did for me last time.

What what if it doesn't? What then?

Well, then I'll be left being the mother to one gorgeous, amazing boy. It is not the dream I had in my head but I would still be so very thankful for the opportunity to be his momma. And because it is not my dream, I would need to truly dig deep and overcome all those dark and awful feelings of unfairness. So, I guess you could say that I've been experimenting with that a bit. Just to "see" what it might be like for me. The only conclusion that I've come up with this far is that it would be HARD.

But like I said, I haven't given up hope yet. We'll see what this next IUI brings.

In other news, I felt my sister's baby move last night. It was wonderful and selfishly awful at the same time. To feel like move inside someone is just so amazing and exciting. To know that I may never feel that inside me again is devestating. I will say that it didn't deter me from keeping my hand on her belly for about a half hour waiting for that next tap! LOL.

Things have been slowly getting better at work and I just received a well deserved raise this week. I have a great new boss who totally goes to bat for me and I couldn't be more grateful to her. It is so nice to know that someone has your back in a professional environment. People like that are few and far between, ya know?

Yoga has been going pretty well and I've learned that I am just about the most unflexible person in the world. Yikes! I suck! Plus, my instructor focuses on me non-stop because I am the youngest person in the class and she seems to think that since I am the young age of 31 that I am as flexible as a 16 year old or something. Seriously, she keeps saying things like, "Oh, you're young - you can bend more than that!' while pushing down on my back to the point that I want to yelp. Jeez. 31 may be young, but it is not that young!

I guess that is about all I have going right now. I am so glad it is Friday! I am looking forward to a weekend with my boy and whipping our house back into shape. It's been such a busy week that I have completely neglected every aspect of housework.

I am loving this beautiful fall weather!! The change of seasons reminds me of why I love living here. That crisp, clean air and the autumn smell in the air does a body good!

CD 4 of Cycle 23

Yup, that makes me one cycle away from TWO YEARS of TTC #2. I cannot believe this is happening to us.

So, I got my period on the day of my sister's wedding in July and now I got my period on my sister's wedding reception on Saturday. Quite fitting, don't you think? Especially considering she is five months pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy while taking the pill? How's that for irony?

Speaking of my sister...we found out on Friday that she is having a girl. I bounce between excitement and the feeling of sheer hell. But please don't tell her that. As far as she is concerned, I am over the moon with both her pregnancy and the fact that she's having a girl. I spent all day Friday shopping with her and buying a ton of itty-bitty pink pieces of clothing. And I did it all with a smile on my face. Because I am happy for her, I truly am. But deep down? (Or maybe not so deep?) I am questioning the universe. Truly - why is this happening to me? Why?

I just keep asking why but hear nothing in response.

In other news, I was sooooo very close to calling and starting a new IUI cycle. I had my finger on the call button but I didn't do it. Two reasons: One, DH and I just started a fitness "challenge" and I figured it wouldn't hurt us to have a month of better eating, exercise and vitamins under our belt before we give IUI another shot. Two, I would have to drive back from up north from a girls weekend (with all my high school girlfriends) to do it. Not only would it be a pain in the ass and interrupt the weekend, I would also have to explain why I was leaving and I would not want to bring that into the weekend. And, we're supposed to be relaxing, drinking and having fun. Not very IUI friendly timing. Three (even though I said there were two reasons), what is one more month??

So, another natural (worthless) cycle. BUT, we will be doing IUI for sure next month. DH brought it up and when I told him I'd like to wait a month he was okay with it. We are actually both on the same page - for a change.

I'm thinking of signing up for a yoga class. It's called Relax and Renue with Yoga. Sounds like a good one for me, huh?

It's not over till the fat lady sings...

...but I'm sure she's about to start serenading me any minute! Yes, today is CD 29 and my damn period still isn't here. I hate to admit it but I did something yesterday that I haven't done in a long time. I took a stupid test. Of course, it was negative. Surprise, surprise.

The reason I took it is because I have felt very queasy off and (mostly) on all week. I've also been SUPER bloated, exhausted and truly? I look like shit. Like that first trimester, dreadful look. Pale, circles under my eyes. And I cannot stop yawning! All those things would give a normal person hope but for me - one thing was missing. My boobs don't hurt. Not even a little, tiny, itsy bit. When I found out I was pregnant with Keegan, I felt great (not sick at all) and my boobs hurt like the devil. So, complete opposite symptoms. Oh yeah, and then there is the negative pregnancy test. So, hope? Not so much.

I guess it all comes back to being depressed. Tired, feeling crappy, looking like shit. It does fit the bill. As for the bloating? PMS at its finest, I guess. I am a bit crampy too so it makes sense. My period is on the way but man, do I wish it wasn't. It would be so wonderful if all this IF bullshit would just go away! I could pretend it was a bad dream that never happened. Alas, a negative pregnancy test about sums it all up, doesn't it? And no BS about false negatives because we all know the reality of that little scenario. NOT LIKELY. Maybe if it was a week ago but at one day late? It is what it is - negative.

As for next cycle...cycle 23 for those counting...I'm just not sure. DH and I haven't talked about it and I just do not have the energy for that discussion. If it was up to me, we'd be full speed ahead with our third IUI. Hell, if it was truly just up to me we'd be full speed ahead with IVF. I am actually at that point mentally. But there's the little matter of DH freaking out about everything including IUI so I wouldn't have a shot in hell of selling him on IVF. Oh, and then there is the money thing. Zero insurance coverage and a shit load of money with no guarantee? No, I do not think we will be heading down that road at any time in the near future. Or ever.

But IUI #3? If DH brings it up, maybe. Otherwise, I think I'll just wait and see. Like I said, I am just too tired to battle that right now.

Struggling

I'm not going to lie, I'm just not doing all that great. In my last post I talked of wanting to bring back some control. Well, I haven't really been following that plan. I just can't. I don't know what my problem is but it's like I am just exhausted or something. I feel too tired to tackle anything or to do anything.

It's like I don't even know what to say because I know that I have no reason to be depressed, and I also know that I cannot blame everything on infertility although I would like to. I mean, hello? I have a beautiful son. Granted, he is three and is a complete handful. Sometimes to the point where I wonder why I think I could possibly handle two kids?

But I do have him. And he really is the coolest kid I know. He says things like, "You are my bestest mom!" to me. What could be better than that?

Then again, he started preschool today which is unexpectedly hard for me. It's just the beginning of him truly becoming his own person and the end of him being a "baby". I know it is a little bit of an exaggeration but this is the start of him having a whole seperate life from me. I keep asking myself, did I treasure those belly kicks enough? Did I truly appreciate the miracle of his birth? Did I live in the moment these last three years?

Also, my sister is starting to show and is finding out the sex of her baby on Friday and while I am excited (it is a baby and my sister's at that), I think it is bothering me quite a bit more than I even realize. I am jealous. I want to experience it just one more time. I want to feel life growing inside of me and have the anticipation of birth again. I want Keegan to have a sibling. And, it really pisses me off that we could be pregnant together and have kids close in age. That would be so neat. I am seven years older than her and never thought that it would even be a possibility that we could have that opportunity and guess what? We still don't. It's not fair.

So yes, it is still pity party central over here and I know that I need to snap out of it. I just can't seem to, though, no matter how hard I try. I just keeping thinking the same thing over and over: I am tired.

Control

It sure is hard to ignore TTC when I can feel ovulation. I am such a weirdo but I've always been this way (although at one time I had no idea what it was. Sigh.) So here I sit, CD14 and ovulating. Damn, I wish I didn't care. But I do. And of course, we just happened to have sex last night (DH pursued me or wouldn't have happened) so now I caught myself analysing timing and I do NOT want to do that right now. But it's hard not to, you know? It's what I've done for the last 22 months, actually longer, and when I can so obviously feel myself ovulating it is impossible to ignore. No fair!

In other news, I am officially watching what I eat. I hesitate saying diet because I don't really believe in them. I am just paying attention to how many calories I am eating and also not eating any more "crap" because I was getting really good at that. When I am feeling sorry for myself, I eat. I'd love to get back into running (I talk about this way too often without doing anything about it) but I have a little trouble finding the time. I think I'll make this a priority after this week. I'm wrapping up a huge project at work and my time will be more my own after the 30th.

Also, once this work situation slows down I am going to take a day (or two) off of work and clean and organize my house from top to bottom. I'm talking closets, getting rid of stuff, washing windows and the like. Our house could use a big overhaul, it hasn't been done in quite some time. There are also a few projects that I've been putting off, like hanging pictures, getting a new mirror for Keegan's bathroom, moving some of his toys around and packing a lot of old ones away.

I need to bring more control back to my life. That is my new focus.

Remember that "new" week that I spoke of?

It really did not turn out to be a great week after all, despite my attempts at keeping a positive attitude. I tried, I really did but it appears I have some bad karma following me around. Or something.

Just a couple of highlights...having a box falling on my head and knocking me out cold. Holy shit, did this hurt.

Also, hitting a deer - or should I say a deer hit me because that is closer to the truth. With my three year old in the car, after working for 12 hours. Luckily, we were not hurt but my vehicle did not do so well. It is undrivable but not totaled - which sucks because I'd rather just have it be totaled if it had to get smashed up. I should also mention that I have a $500 deductible. Can you say, awesome??

Needless to say, it was not a good weekend. My son was being a typical three year old and making me want to pull my hair out, DH was in a terrible mood, work was all-consuming and stressing me out,the head incident, the car incident, etc. On top of IF stress, a messy house, no groceries, laundry piled up to the ceiling and the lack of motivation to do anything but try and breath in and out.

So, when my dog ran off on Saturday morning and I couldn't find him...I sort of freaked out. I went into my room, sat on my bed and basically started crying and said, out loud, "fuck you" to everything I could possible think of. One sentence after another for about five minutes straight. I may have included infertility about three or four times. Or seven. I can't remember. I asked for help to get me through that day, because God help me, I was NOT in the mood to handle anything at that point.

When my tantrum was over, I did not feel any better but I wiped my eyes and went out to go see Keegan. He was down at his grandma's house (which is just down the driveway from us). When I walked in the door she asked if she could take Keegan with her for the day, she was going to visit family in a nearby town. It was about 9:30am and she said she'd have him back by 6pm. I almost started crying again. As much as I love my son, I was in no shape to be a good mom to him that day. So, I agreed. It was like a favor sent straight from God, I swear. An entire day to be by myself, get some stuff done and re-group.

I packed Keegan up, gave him a hug and off he went. I went right to the phone and called my mom to see if she wanted to go have coffee. Her and I met, got some coffee and then drove down to the river to sip it and talk. It was so relaxing and just what I needed. Peace and quiet. And coffee. Then, my mom did something so wonderful. She handed me a check for $500 and said that it was for our RE, to pay off the rest of our last IUI or help us with a new cycle. I couldn't believe it. If you've been reading, you know that her and I do not talk about IF much so for her to do this really just means that she has been listening to my (not so) subtle comments about IF and all the stress that goes along with it. She also told me that I was a wonderful mother, that I deserved to have 20 kids if I wanted them and how unfair the whole situation is. I really, really needed that from her.

I finished up the day grocery shopping (by myself!), cleaning the house, doing laundry, napping and enjoying my solitude. It helped me get on track, mentally, before Keegan and DH came home. I needed that time more than you know.

I can tell that I'm depressed. I don't get truly depressed often and I recognize it immediately because I just want to be alone. Completely alone. I daydream about calling in sick and just staying home in the quiet or going somewhere alone for a couple of days. I don't feel like talking to DH or playing with Keegan. I can't even concentrate on reading a book, which is one of my most favorite past times. I only want to be alone, and quiet.

I will be fine - and snap out of it. I just need some time.

To top it all off, I am on CD 13 today and I don't even care. DH made a comment two nights ago about it being "that time" again. I was surprised that he was that aware and when I questioned him he told me that he has been counting my CDs for awhile now so that he would know the best timing. I was surprised by this, I guess. Right now it really doesn't matter, I have no drive this cycle. I'm tired and do not feel like trying. DH wanted to do it last night but I turned him down. I guess I just need a break. Plus, our chances are so low that I really don't feel like gearing up mentally only to be let down again.

Sorry that this is such a downer of a post, I guess I just need to get it all out. I am in a rough spot right now but I will be fine - sometimes, it all builds up and it just takes me a little while to shake it all off again.

A new week

I must say thank you for being such a supportive group of friends. It is so nice to know that I am not alone because I truly spend much of my time feeling that way IRL. I appreciate you all so very much.

**********************************

It is a new week, my friends. I am trying to put last week behind me and do my best to rise above my anger, and my sadness.

We went up north to our cabin last weekend with my best friend, her husband and their two girls (ages 2 and 4). It was exactly what we needed. We relaxed with friends, played with our kids, drank our fill of margaritas once the kids were in bed, and DH and I did not talk once of infertility. All was calm.

I did, of course, tell my best friend (Maggie) about the fight DH and I had and she as always, listened and was so supportive. I tell you - for someone who doesn't have a clue, first-hand, about infertility, she does such a great job of being my friend. I am so blessed to have her in my life and I truly mean that.

Anyway, she let me know that my DH had talked to her husband about our "situation" when they went into to town Saturday morning. I was so surprised because they are good friends but not super close by any means. They have only become good friends due to Maggie and I. So for him to completely open up to him and talk to him about everything we have done and are going through is sort of amazing to me. It actually confirms that he has some serious guilt issues and it is putting everything on his shoulders, which makes me a bit mad. I wish he would just talk and open up about it to me, without getting angry and arguing.

Maggie's husband basically just told him (in a guy sort of way) that it sucks but that he should just suck it up and do what needs to be done. That it'll be worth it in the end. God, I could kiss that man!

Another reason I think DH opened up was being around their daughter who just turned two on Friday. She is such a sweetheart and it is so fun to see how "little" she is still when in reality, she is only a little over a year younger than Keegan. It is amazing how quickly they turn from a baby into a preschooler, you don't even realize it! It was great to be around this sweet little girl but more bittersweet, just reminding us how much we'd love another little one in our lives. It was also so neat to see the two sisters interacting with each other, they have such a bond and I want that for Keegan so much.

DH didn't tell me about the talk he had with Maggie's husband and we still have not brought up the dreadful subject again. I don't know when that conversation will happen or what it will consist of. I guess I will just wait and see because right now, I am too emotionally tired to deal with it.

So, here I am - back at work. Ugh. I am hoping this week proves to be better than last. One foot in front of the other, right??

Male Factor

Watch out...this is gonna be a long one.

DH and I got into a big argument last night about infertility and I need to vent. I realized (again) how we are world apart on our viewpoint about all of this. Especially, regarding treatment and acceptance. He does not deal with with any of this, never has. He doesn't like to talk about it or get upset about. He also gets very angry when I get upset about it. I can never truly talk to him about any of my feelings or fears and I am constantly walking on egg shells around him when it comes to anything infertility. It is frustrating and lonely.

There is nothing good about infertility. Period. But let me tell you a little something about Male Factor infertility. From my perspective - it is a while different ball game. And I suppose that comment would depend on the husband. My husband does not deal with our "situation" well. And that is an understatement.

I HATE everything about MF. Infertility is out of my control, in general, but when you add MF to it - Ha! I cannot do anything to help us out in any way. My body is working correctly - it really doesn't matter if I drink caffeine or not, drink socially or not, take vitamins or not. I ovulate, regularly and have regular cycles. Every single month regardless of the variables. (Obvioiusly, I know that taking care of my body will only help us. But that is beside my point.) I'm so regular that I've been called textbook multiple times. I also respond "perfectly" to fertility drugs. With 50mg of Clomid, I ovulated two, probably three, great sized follicles. This is "ideal" according to my RE. And this may be too much info but I also have great CM. I've been told that before too. (Jeez, only in the infertile world would you hear that comment, huh?) Bottom line: I can get pregnant. Hell, I have gotten pregnant. THE PROBLEM DOES NOT LIE WITH MY BODY - THEREFORE, IT IS EVEN FURTHER OUT OF MY CONTROL.

Despite the angry tone of this post - I have never looked at it as DH's fault. It just is what it is. It is the way he was made and it is not his fault. I also have never viewed it as his problem. I do not think he is defective or at fault in any way. It is our problem, our challenge. We are supposed to be a team. But we aren't and last night made that even more clear to me.

DH thinks that because we did two IUIs and they didn't work that it isn't even worth trying anymore. He said that it doesn't seem to improving our chances at all so why bother? I tried explaining the odds, the statistics, etc. It doesn't matter. He was in a mood and basically, just freaked out. He said he'd try another IUI or whatever but if we are not pregnant in the next year (and I use that term loosely because I doubt he'd make it that long), then we are done trying. DONE. And that at that time, I need to accept that it is not meant to be and that is that.
There was no discussion, this was just him telling me that that is the way it is going to be. Period.

He also got on my case again about me getting upset and acting depressed when I get my period. He HATES that my mood changes when I get my period and he says that it is wrecking our relationship. I told him that I had every right to get upset, angry or whatever I feel like at the time. I should not have to shut off my feelings just because he doesn't like it. It's not fair. And just for the record...I think I do pretty well at holding back most of what I am feeling for his sake. Other than the usual PMS type things, I do not get all that crabby or whatever. But it is stupid that I cannot say to him, "God, I am so sad today." I just can't - so I don't. But he still acts as though I am some emotional basketcase every month when in reality, that is just not true.

Really, I think it is his feelings showing through. He did say that he thinks about IF every, single day and it makes him crazy. Yet, he NEVER talks to me about it. Ever. Nor does he want to - believe me, I asked. He wants to pretend like it is not there. So instead, it becomes a big white elephant sitting in the room and it's awful. And then he puts the blame on me. NOT FAIR.

Also, he kept saying over and over that it was his fault, his issue, his problem. I kept reassuring him that I did not look at it that way. I really don't. But obviously, that is what he thinks and therefore, it makes everything that much worse for him.

This is just the most awful situation. I do not know a way out.

I do not want to give up. I know in my heart that giving up is not the right decision for me. But what does that mean? Does the want of a baby outweigh my love for my husband? No. But does that mean I can give up the dream of another baby without being bitter? No.

DH says that we have a beautiful son that we created naturally and that we just need to focus on that. It is not that black and white. I love my son more than anything in the world. He is everything to me and I thank God for him every single night. My love for him does not take away from this want of another baby and if anything, just adds to it.

I'm so tired.

I called my RE's nurse line. My favorite one, Amy, called me back. I asked her all about last cycle and she gave me all the stats. Everything on my end was "perfect". With 50mg of Clomid, I had two follicles over 22mm and a third one that was 14mm and growing but very well could have been carrying a mature egg too by the time of the IUI. She said that my E2 levels were excellent and that my cervix was open and I had great, fertile CM. There is absolutely nothing that I can/should do different. I responded ideally. Again, out of my control.

All we can do is try again and hope that the next one takes.

As I said, DH is willing to do another IUI and we probably will do one next cycle. BUT. How fun does it sound to broach the subject with him again? We should be going into the next treatment as a team and instead it just feels wrong.

Everything just feels wrong.

CD1 of Cycle 22

How depressing. I am so angry, upset and hopeless today. Part of it is the sinking feeling of knowing that this may not work out for us - there may not be a positive ending this time around. Part if it is that I have a terrible headache and HORRIBLE cramps. Bottom line - I am a very unhappy camper.

I was on the fence about whether we should do another IUI this cycle or wait until next. Well, I called to schedule my baseline US and as I was trying to schedule it (for tomorrow since they don't do them on weekends. Jeez, whatever), I was told that I had to talk to the finance dept. Okay... So, I start talking to Patty and she tells me that in order to start another cycle that we need to pre-pay $1,000. First of all, I have never pre-paid there before and this will be our third IUI. Second, my cycle does not even cost $1,000. Especially, since I am not doing any bloodwork this time around - we should be coming in around $700-$800. When I tell her this, she says sorry and that it doesn't matter how much less than $1,000 it'll cost us, it is policy that they need to have the full $1,000 paid before they will start treatment.

What the hell??

Is this normal for anyone else's RE?? I was so caught off guard that I really didn't know what to say. I just don't think that it is fair to pay that much money upfront when we won't even use that much if we do the full IUI and also when I don't even know how the cycle will turn out. I mean, what if we have to cancel half way through, etc. Her reply was that then they would just refund us the money. Well, that's fine and good but it still doesn't make sense to me.

So, I reluctantly agreed that I would figure out how we were going to pay by the end of day today (cash or credit) and then she went on to schedule me to tomorrow. At that point, I found out that they only had one appointment open and it was horrible timing for me work-wise. Keep in mind that my clinic is an hour away (without traffic). So, I said fuck it. We're not doing an IUI this cycle. It was too much for my brain to take today and it just had bad karma (or something) written all over it.

We have another worthless, natural cycle ahead of us and will attempt the IUI in September. WHATEVER.

So tell me, for those of you who aren't covered by insurance - is pre-paying normal??

Wishing on a star

Last night after both husband and son had fallen asleep, I was still wide awake watching mindless television. I decided to get up and check on Keegan one last time before bed and as I made my way towards his room I stepped outside onto the deck so I could breath in some fresh night air (the humidity finally broke!). It was so peaceful and dark out and there was no moon so I could see what seemed like a billion stars.

I just sat there, breathing in the quiet night. After awhile I started a conversation in my head, partly with myself, partly with God. I was begging him for one more miracle, one more chance to feel life growing inside of me and the chance for Keegan to have a sibling and best friend for life. I want this so badly and keep trying to imagine never feeling the miracle of pregnancy or birth again and I just get so SAD at that possibility.

I ended the conversation by saying: Please hear my prayer!! Please show me a sign that you hear me and that it is going to be okay! I looked up and almost immediately saw a shooting star. Right in front of my eyes. You know how sometimes you see them out of the corner of your eye or you look up and see the tail-end of one that you half missed? This one was right there, start to finish, smack dab in front of me. I'm taking that as a sign. Someone was listening and it really is going to be okay.

I have to believe that.

Houston, we have ovulation

This is my first cycle off of Clomid after three cycles on it and I wasn't really sure what to expect. Luckily, everything seems to be on track still. I ovulated yesterday morning, CD16, so a bit late but not too bad. I'm sure it was my body adjusting to no fertility drugs. Also, I must note that the reason I know I ovulated yesterday morning, specifically, was because of the pain. Wow! I can honestly say that it hurt as much as it did when I took Clomid. Again, I'm sure my body just re-adjusting but still. I wasn't really expecting it. I had some minor cramping the day or two leading up to yesterday and was sort of assuming that I was ovulating but that was nothing to what I felt from about 8am-11am yesterday. Also, I just felt kind of "off" and nauseaous yesterday.

The good news is that I think our timing was pretty good although maybe not great. It's so hard with low morph or male factor in general because the closer you can time sex to ovulation, the better your chances of conception since the spermies aren't all that great (in a nutshell). So we had sex Monday morning, I ovulated Tuesday morning, and then we had sex again late Tuesday night. For most people, this would great timing. For us, I keep thinking that we first had sex (approximately) 24 hours prior to ovulation and it may be a bit long for the sperm to survive. Then, we had sex (approximately) 13 hours after ovulation. It maybe be too late for my egg. Ya know? These are the completely insane thoughts that are going around in my head. I mean, seriously? No one should ever have to analyze details like this. It is ridiculous.

At least ovulation is behind me and I can stop stressing about timing like I do every month we TTC naturally. Then, next month we will attempt our third IUI and they'll monitor the timing so I don't have to.

The possibility of very good vs. very bad

My extremely fertile best friend (delicately) announced to me that she would be getting her IUD out in September and they would begin "trying" for their third and final baby at that time. Trying is a pretty funny word considering she got pregnant both previous times, the FIRST time and without even "trying".

So, yeah. My best friend is going to be pregnant in September. My other best friend/sister is already pregnant (by "accident" I might add). So where does that leave me in just a few weeks? It scares the hell out of me to think of the possibilities.

As it looks right now, I'll be doing an IUI on or around August 24. A week later, give or take, my BF will be knocked up. Now, despite her fertile self, my BF has been wonderful through all my infertility woes. BUT our fertile and non-fertile selves have never really gone head to head - ya know what I mean? I've never feel any type of resentment towards her. I'm just scared that if our IUI fails and she ends up pregnant that I'll feel angry or weird towards her. Even though I know it isn't rational and that she is my BEST friend, the possibility of it still scares me.

Just like it does with my sister. It is easy to ignore the fact that she is pregnant right now because she is only 13 (almost 14) weeks along and isn't showing AT ALL. I can pretend that there isn't a wonderful, perfect baby growing inside her. For now. Our relationship can go on as it has, but as the days tick by, I wonder if that will change. I hope it doesn't but I can't promise that my jealousy won't take over. God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it??

I know I would never outwardly or rather, purposely treat either of them differently but as we all know, holding feelings in sometimes manifest themselves.

I'm really not trying to be negative - because maybe I will end up pregnant and I'll get to experience it with my sister and best friend. That could happen and it would be wonderful. But I am trying to prepare myself for the more realistic scenario. And it truly scares me.

Am I boring?

The whole point of this particular blog is to have an outlet in which to bitch, piss and moan about the unfairness of infertility. BUT. Sometimes, when I look at this blog I feel like it is so depressing and not a realistic portrayal of who I am.

I mean, yes, I am in the throws of infertility and it effects my life drastically. I also need a place to vent and a support group who gets what I am going through and for that, I am thankful for this outlet. But I do sometimes wish I would blog about my whole life, not just the shitty part. Ya know? In the real world I do not talk about infertility to anyone really - basically, just my husband and my best friend but even that is a bit limited because my best friend is great but also very fertile and my husband is well, my husband. If you've been reading, you know he tends to be hit or miss on the IF support. I do make comments here and there to certain family members but I truly don't discuss in detail what I am going through with anyone. Therefore, when I vent on here, I tend to go all out - and it maybe appears as though all I think about or talk about is IF when that is not the case at all.

I read so many blogs - not just infertility blogs. I read blogs about parenting, running, losing weight, gardening, writing, photography, funny blogs, sad blogs, etc. But yet, all I really write about is IF.

Is that okay? Of course. But there is so much more to me than that.

I've been slowly trying to take up photography as a hobby and desperately want to learn more. Unfortunately, I'm time challenged. But I am hoping to change that. DH is setting me up with a professional photographer that he knows so that he can teach me some tricks. I am so excited! I got a Cann*on Re*bel xti for Christmas so that is what I've been learning on. It is such a challenge and I know so little but I love it!

I am a read-a-holic and I always have a book on hand. It is my most favorite selfish thing to do. DH bought me a giant book shelf several years back and it has been long since been filled. Now, I have stack of books piled around it and truly need to invest in another one (or two). We just put in a fireplace this spring and have yet to build a surround for it so I'm thinking maybe I could incorporate a bookshelf on either side of it. Did I mention that I love to keep all my books as well? LOL. I am happy to borrow (or even give them) to friends or family but for the most part - I like to keep them. Why? Who knows, just a weird quirk. Keegan also has quite the book collection started even though he is three. DH is always saying we should pack some away but I won't let him. I let Keegan pick out two books every night before bed and I think he is going to enjoy reading as much as I do. I hope so at least.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't want IF to take over my life - in any way - because it is easy to let that happen. And I deserve more than that. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it rips my heart out over and over again. But I need focus on putting life into perspective and know that I can rise above it.

Still kicking - and still not pregnant.

I have been away from my computer so long that I almost forgot how to type. Seriously, I don't even know where to start with an update.

We just got back from Vegas and the wedding of my (beautiful but pregnant) sister. It was so much fun! There were 17 of us that went and everything turned out perfectly. We spent our days in the pool, soaking up the desert sun and staying cool. There were many poolside cocktails and appetizers involved. In the evenings, we headed out to yummy restaurants where we filled our bellies with amazing food and more cocktails.

I gambled a bit but I must emphasize the "bit" part of that sentence. I think I ended up losing about $20. Oh the horror! LOL. Yep, I not a bib gambler although I did become slightly obsessed with the penny El*vis slots, which is where I lost my $20. Have I ever mentioned that I LOVE El*vis? The cute, 50's version - not the bloated 70's version. My sisters tease me about it all the time.

The wedding was quick but beautiful. They were married in an outdoor gazebo chapel and it was actually very quaint and really pretty. The ceremony was about 15 minutes start to finish. There was a lot of picture taking afterwards and then we head to a wonderful steakhouse to eat and celebrate. We took a big white limo there and then it brought us to the restaurant afterwards. It was a really fun night and I think my sister was very happy with how it all turned out.

So, we got back late last week, tanned and tired! I am still not caught up on my sleep. It is a two hour time difference for us and when you add that to the general lack of sleep that we got in Vegas, it take a lot out of a person!

My period showed up on the day of the wedding. I was NOT happy and I think DH was even more unhappy about it then me. If that is even possible. I had terrible cramps all morning and just started to get angry all over again about the whole ordeal. I did my best to push it all aside while I relaxed (and drank) at the pool. And of course, I did my best to completely ignore it at the wedding but once I was settled into bed at the end of the night I couldn't escape my thoughts about how unfair it is that anyone should have to go through infertility. It is so disheartening and upsetting and just plain awful. As I was laying there in bed, I just kept thinking that DH and I should be (quietly) celebrating our pregnancy - not be half drunk, crampy and angry (at IF, not each other). It just SUCKS.

DH and I did have a talk in the pool the next afternoon about going ahead with another IUI. I don't think either of us are very happy about it but know that it is our best chance to get pregnant. Like I said in an earlier post, I am just so nervous about the (fairly good) possibility that it won't work. Another disappointment is just depressing. As long as we have another IUI looming in the future, there is hope but once it is gone, it is gone. Does that make sense?

One of the worst aspects of infertility is that there is never a guarantee. It would be different if we had to go through all of this knowing that someday it WOULD work. That is was more just a matter of time. But nope, no guarantee at all. DH briefly mentioned the IVF procedure and then said, "Oh yea, that is the one that costs $15,000, huh?" to which I just replied yes. But it got me thinking...I could probably ask my mom to borrow us the money...we could slowly pay her back...it may not be so bad...we'd have an even better chance of getting pregnant. But then SLAP - reality hit me in the face.. That is a lot of money and stress, physically and emotionally, with a very good chance that no baby would come of it.

Yeah, I think we'll stick with another IUI for now. I don't know when. Maybe September? DH and I will have to talk a bit more. For now, I'm unpacking, adjusting to work again and I have the largest pile of laundry that you've ever seen. Ugh. Reality is back in full force.

Talking with a fertile

So, my newly pregnant sister and I were watching Jo*hn and Ka*te + eigh*t last night together and I suppose because she now is pregnant, she was intrigued with the fact that K had gotten pregnant with six babies. She was wondering out loud how that happened or what type of treatment would cause that. I spoke up.

(Just for the record, my sister and I do not talk about this. Nor do I talk about it with any of my four sisters. I do not talk about any of it to my family - other than my mom on the rare occasion - because I know they cannot possibly get it so why even drag them into the awkwardness? And as far as my mother, well, you know how well that has gone for me in the past.

Back to me speaking up...I mentioned to my sister that I had the same infertility treatment as K did - IUI. To which her response was, "Did you have six eggs put in too?" I briefly then had to explain an IUI and answer a few other questions about it including a bit of info on how it was my DH with the "problem" and that was why we were having issues. Her next response was, "Would help if I was a surrogate for you?" Um, no. But thanks. I told her it would be a better help to me if I could borrow her husband rather than her uterus. She asked if it was expensive and I said yes. I'm still paying for it.

Her final question was, "When was your last attempt?" to which I replied, "Well, let's just say that our babies would have been one day apart." To her credit, she looked genuinely sad and then stopped asking questions.

The conversation was over. Because it is, well, awkward. Not for an infertile but for the fertile. They cannot understand.

*********************************
As far as I can tell, and I do consider myself an expert on this subject, I ovulated on CD15. I had huge ovulation symptoms and am guessing that I ovulated more than one egg again. Our timing was great. I should be hopeful. Unfortunately, I'm really not. I'm just taking it day by day and looking every night for a falling star to wish on.

I got the job. I have to let them know by Tuesday. I am completely confused and up in the air as to what to do. I'm also in negotiations with my current employer to get a higher salary. It should come to a head on Monday but in the meantime, I feel like I might throw up about every five minutes. It is a big decision and I am just not good with those. This stress cannot be good for my body. It'll feel so good to come to a resolution and move on - I just hope it is the right path. Yikes. I have had a gut feeling from the start to stay in my current job and I think gut feelings count for a lot. More money and infertility benefits count for a lot too but I don't know...decisions, decisions.

I am looking forward to a nice, long, three-day weekend. DH is working a lot but Keegan and I are going to hang out, catch some sun and play with a few "farklers" (sparklers). It should be wonderful.

Ugh. Clomid.

I'm soooooo sore and uncomfortable.

This has been kind of a strange month, TTC wise. I sort of wish I was temping, peeing on OPKs or having some sort of monitoring just out of curiosity. Wouldn't it be nice to have a little window to peak inside so we could just know what is going on? Gross, but nice just the same. At any rate, I continued to having cramping and bloating for another day after the last post on CD10 and then for a couple days - nothing. Last night, I was actually thinking that maybe I had ovulated way early or maybe wasn't going to at all.

Then I woke up this morning to extremely strong ovulation pains. It actually hurts to move around and is just very sore and achy. I believe that today is CD15. I really am not 100% sure (which is kind of refreshing) because I stopped counting after the Clomid days, then it was a weekend and today I forgot my calendar (that I write just about everything in, including my TTC info) in my car and have been too lazy to go and retrieve it. So, if I had to guess - I would guess that I am ovulating today, CD15. Just for the record.

But back to the weirdness of this month....I just think that I had a lot of side effects from Clomid that I haven't experienced before and I'm really not sure why. This is the third time I've taken it and the first two time, nothing in the way of side effects. I felt exactly the same except when I ovulated and then it was a bit more painful than usual, due to more than one egg releasing. But this month, I felt tired, nauseous and had a ton of headaches. I would wake up in the morning starving and if I didn't eat then I would get sick to my stomach. Also, I was really crampy and bloated. Weird. I wonder why this month gave me side effects but the other two didn't?

I've started to feel a bit better now, in the last day or so, but I'm still very, very sore in my uterus, ovary area. I'm just glad that I ovulated after all, not that I really didn't think I would but still. It's just been a strange cycle. But I am ovulating and our timing has been right now so I can only hope for the best. As usual.

No news on the job front but they did call and check my references this morning so I am sure I'll hear something soon.

A decision is looming

Last night, I took my final Clomid pill. Today, I feel as though my ovaries and/or uterus is going a bit crazy. As the day has gone on I have become bloated and very crampy and uncomfortable. Hmmm....I wonder what this means? Is the Clomid working overtime and I'm producing more follicles or is my body just responding quicker and I am going to ovulate early? I have no idea. Today is only CD 10 and I usually (never?) feel like this now - more like a CD13 or 14 feeling.

God, I hate over-analyzing. But what choice do I have? Something is definitely happening in my female parts.

In other news...I had a second job interview this morning with a wonderful company. If I get an offer (and I really think I may), I am going to be at a huge crossroads professionally. I work in marketing/advertising and for a "fun", entertainment, consumer driven company. This new position would be with a very corporate, "medical" type of company. I think I would be pretty bored, not time wise but content wise. But it is a GREAT organization, very well known nationally and very, very stable. Also, I have never heard a bad thing about it and everyone who works there seems to love it. To top it off, the benefits are better. Much better. And, I am pretty sure they have infertility coverage. I don't think it is full but probably 50% which would be great. Better than great.

On the down side, it is in a city south of where I live and it has taken me about 50-60 minutes to get there, park and get into the office building. No traffic, but still. Right now, I have about a 20 minute drive within my own town. Also, it is very professional. This intimidates me a bit because I am used to a fun, crazy type of group. We are very informal in many respects, although this informal, somewhat unprofessional atmosphere definitely has its drawbacks too. But I really, really like what I do. And I can blog at work if I want. And I have so much flexibility time-wise. I can pretty much pick my own hours within reason. And I've been here for over nine years and have five weeks vacation. I'd start over (possibily) with this new company. And long turn I would probably be better off in the vacation department with them but now, not so much.
I just sometimes hate so many things about this place, certain attitudes and egos and crazy political issues that I can't get into.

None of this probably makes a whole lot of sense because I am trying to be as vague as possible so no one can goo*gle me or whatever.

I guess I will just wait to see if I get the offer, see what the dollar amount would be and then decide. And negotiate - both here and there.

And back to my girl parts? Yep, still feeling them big time. Hmmm....

A need to control

When I was trying to conceive the first time around I started running. It gave me back some control in my life (or so I liked to think). It also was a great stress reliever and I started liking my body once again. I figured, if I wasn't going to get fat and pregnant, then I should look good! Anyway, I often used to run to the younger Simp*son sister. There was something about the underlying anger in her voice that pushed me as I ran and made me want to yell, "Yeah, F You!" to the world and more specifically, to infertility.

I ended up pregnant and due to hyperemesis (I couldn't catch a break if I tried), I quit running. I also quit listening to the junior simp*son. Plus her family scares me, but that's another post. It's been four years - four years! And I find myself back in that same mind frame. I need to control something, anything. I think it may be time to start running again. I dug through my old CDs and pulled out miss simp*son, cranked up the volume and sat here in my office feeling an odd sense of deja vu. Here I am again. And I think I need to do something or I may freak out. Or just wallow in self pity.

The only problem is, things have changed a little in the last four years so finding the time will be a bit harder. I now have a three year old that demands much of my time. Being a working mother, I like every spare minute with him in the evenings. By the time we get him to sleep (now that it's light out until 9pm) it is usually around 9pm. After working 8-9 hours, making supper, doing the bedtime routine, etc, I am usually wiped out. I'd rather sit on the couch and eat a Yo*rk pepper*mint patty which is my most favorite thing in the world but truly does nothing for my ass.

Also, we used to live in a residential neighborhood and so I would head right out the door and start running - it was very convenient. Now, we live outside city limits on a highway and it is not very condusive to running. I am required to get in my car and drive somewhere to run.

All excuses, I know. Plenty of other people find the time and I can too. I am going to try really hard to go tonight. I think once DH comes home I will let him play with Keegan and I'll go for an hour or so before dinner.

In other news, I did go ahead with another cycle of Clomid. Not the most exciting news but there it is just the same. I am on CD8 and so I have tonight and tomorrow left to take it. I'm not really thinking that it will do the trick but at least I'm not sitting idle. At least it is something. And spitting out two eggs (presumably) instead of one won't hurt our situation. DH and I still have not had the talk, the one where we decide what we are going to do. I'm sure we'll cross that bridge sometime soon but right now I am okay with waiting and not having a plan. I kept thinking that I'd like to try IUI again in September but now that is only one and a half cycles away and I'm not sure I'll be ready yet. Or that DH will, obviously. In my eyes, it is just that much closer to another disappointment and I don't think I am ready to face another one of those yet.

The end of another "perfect" cycle

Today I am on CD28. I am bloated, crampy and my boobs are sore. The last few days, I've been PMSing big time. Hmmm...I wonder what is on the horizon?

I find it so amazing that each month (cycle) I have textbook cycles, with an average (and almost always) ovulation day of CD14 and 28 day cycles. I ovulate completely on my own and even two great sized eggs while on Clomid. I have great rise and fall of my temps each month (although I haven't temped in a few months). I am TEXTBOOK yet we cannot conceive.

Is it morphology? Meaning, is that truly our only problem? It seems so crazy that something as "minor" as that is keeping us from conceiving. The last time DH was tested his morphology was poor but not god awful. I think it was around 4%? I'd have to go back and look. His count and forward progression has always been considered good. It's just such a hard pill to swallow. I hear all these stories about women who don't ovulate or don't ovulate regularly and it just seems that with my cycles, we would not have so much damn trouble!! It's almost been two years!! I just get so angry.

I sometimes wonder if it could be an egg quality issue? Who knows. It may very well be morph alone and we just have shitty luck. Does it matter? The end result is the same. No baby.

So, tomorrow will most definitely be CD1 and will mark the end of yet another cycle - another "perfect" cycle, which also had the help of Clomid and where I probably produced more than one egg. WTH? I have a refill for another Clomid prescription in my purse and I'm seriously debating if I should use it next cycle or not? Does anyone know how many cycles in a row one can be on Clomid? Does it matter? Maybe I should take a month off and then try again in August? I can't decide.

Also, I'm debating about asking DH to do another (and possibly final) IUI attempt in September. In my heart of hearts I'd like to give it one more shot. I know it is our best option for a positive result and before we completely throw in the towel on medical intervention I would like to try one last time. I just don't know what his reaction will be. We've had a few comments fly back and forth over the last few weeks - him saying things such as he has accepted the idea that we'll only have Keegan or that he hates IUI and that it was worthless. I've said things along the line that I adamantly want one more baby and I'm not done trying yet. So, these comments have been going back and forth a bit but we've never truly talked about any of it. I think both of us sense another fight coming on with that topic.

I just don't think I can give up yet. I think if I gave in and we never had another child that I would be very unhappy and would never be fully happy...is that dramatic? I'm not trying to be, but that is how I feel right now.

I am the oldest of five girls, I'm 31 and they range in years from 19-26. They are all just starting that phase of their lives - marriage, babies, etc. Selfishly, that means multiple sister pregnancies in my future. That scares the shit out of me. I cannot imagine feeling the loss of never having another baby and then watching my sisters produce over and over again (possibly). Oh my god, it makes my heart start racing just thinking about it. Again - dramatic? Maybe but those are my thoughts and feelings right now.

Again, anyone have thoughts on Clomid and how many months in a row one should take it? Are there any side effects that I should know of for multiple months on it? I would be starting month three of Clomid.

Rain, rain, go away.

Thank you all so much for being such wonderful "friends". I had a particularly rought night last night and I'm in a bit of a funk this morning so for me to see all of your comments really made my morning. It is just so nice to know that I am not alone. Because it sure feels that way sometimes. Last night, DH went to bed (after an evening of him being crabby just short with me) I was lying in our dark living room listening to the thunder and rain outside and I truly felt like I was the only one in the world. I need to snap out of this!!

I just feel so helpless and somewhat out of control right now. Of course, most of it has to do with infertility but also my job is a big mess right now. It seems that if you can't have both at the same time then at least one of either your personal life or your work life should be going good. Both of mine kind of suck right now. Sigh.

I keep thinking that my "break" is just around the corner. And maybe it is but that corner sure seems like a long way off right now.

Sunshine would help. I can't remember the last time it has been sunny? Lately, all it does around here is rain and storm and rain some more. I LOVE a good storm but this weather is getting out of hand. It is depressing. A full day of warmth, soaking in the sun is exactly what I need.

Life goes on

I haven't been updating and I guess that is because I don't know what to say.

I've been dealing with the aftermath of my sister spilling the beans to the family as well as helping her move forward with wedding plans. She told our family last weekend and I won't lie. It was pretty tough. Not on her, but on me. Our family was suprised but very supportive and even excited. Why wouldn't they be? A wedding and a new baby? Those are fun and exciting events in a family. The wedding? I'm super excited about. The baby? I am so damn jealous that it almost makes me sick. I just can't help it. I am SO jealous and I cannot stop wishing it would happen to me too. I keep imagining the day that her baby is born and still not being pregnant and how devestating that would be. And how unfair to her that would be - to have me, her sister, being completely selfish on such an important day. Not that I'd ever in a million years let on that I was feeling that way. Just like now, I'm acting like mary sunshine about it all when deep down I feel like there is a big gaping hole in my heart.

I guess that is why I am throwing myself into helping plan her wedding. I can focus on that and how much fun it'll be. I can seperate the baby from the wedding and show true excitement about it. I'm also working on planning a wedding shower and that's fun too.

Life goes on and I'm trying to be thankful for what I do have because it is a lot more than many people have. I have a wonderful husband and an amazing little boy and we are all doing well. I have a good job and a nice house. I have a loving family and support system. Summer is almost here and it is ever so slowly warming up around here. I can't wait until it is hot and humid (I'm weird, I know. It must be the long, cold MN winters that make me long for humidity).

I wish I could be fully content with one child but I'm not. And it isn't about Keegan, he is wonderful and the absolute light of my life. But, I do feel in my heart of hearts that someone is missing from our family.

We're not complete yet.

And the hits just keep coming

Sorry to be so negative but you'll just have to bear with me for a bit.

This morning my newly pregnant sister called me to help her out. She was looking online at her prenatal/maternity insurance benefits and was confused. I'm her big sister, I've been through this before and she needed my help. Of course, I acted happy to help. Even though I wanted to stab a pencil in my eye. I went online and went through it step-by-step for her - and to her credit, it was a bit confusing how it was written. Anyway, I got her all set and then out of curiousity (stupid me), I decided to check her infertility coverage. Just for the fun of it. I guess I needed another little slap in the face from the powers that be because guess what? She has AWESOME infertility coverage. Of course she does, because she'll never need it. Isn't that how it works?

Then, in the midst of having a pity party for myself I get another phone call. It was my best friend (who has been through IF with me every step of the way and is SO sensitive to my feelings, she is the only fertile person I know who gets it). She was calling to tell me that our good friend, J, had her baby. No big shock on my part, I knew J had a scheduled C-section for today. So fine. No big deal. Until, I asked the dreaded question. What did she name her? My best friend went silent. She knew what she was about to tell me would send me over the edge and it did. My friend, J, named her new baby girl my name. The name that I've been saving and keeping close to my heart FOREVER for when I had a little girl. Once my best friend told me I was immediately angry. Irrational? Yes. Completely. I mean, what are the odds that I'll even have a baby period, let alone a girl? Slim to none. I'm still angry. Because that was my name. And now it is hers. And she has a real live baby to give it to. I just have a dream. An impossible one at that, remember?

So, I meet my mother for lunch (bad idea) and bring up J naming her baby my name (bad idea). Of course, my mother, who doesn't even pretend to be empathetic about our IF says, "Hmmm..." and then changes the subject. It was like I never even mention it. The least, the very least she could have done was say, "Oh, that sucks! I'm sorry!" But nope. None of that from the woman who had six children effortlessly. At least my best friend knew. She knew how upset I would be - especially with the recent development concerning my sister.

Ugh. I'm tired. And mad. It's been a shitty Monday.

The impossible dream

I still can't fully wrap my brain around it. I can't believe that she is pregnant. She is doing much better and is slowly (albeit slowly) getting used to the idea. Her boyfriend is ecstatic and they are thinking of getting married in July. I think all the pieces will come together for them.

But me? Well, I am adjusting too but I fear that it'll take me a bit longer. The reality of what will happen in the months to come scares me. I want to be happy for her and excited but I am so dang jealous! And the pressure! I went from a peaceful TTC break to this ridiculous urgency to get pregnant. My sister is not helping in that department. With every conversation comes the words, "You HAVE to get pregnant too!!" She is bound and determined that I get knocked up and go through all of it with her. Of course, she is scared. I get that. I just wish it was as easy as decided that I will get pregnant too.

And no, she really doesn't know the extent of what DH and I are going through with infertility. She doesn't know and the little bit of info I've offered, she doesnt' get. Why would she? Look at the condition she is currently in. All she knows is that if she has to go through all this, she wants me to as well. And prior to this, I didn't talk about it with her because it was so irrelevant to her life. She was in college, then graduating and starting her life, getting her first real job and buying a house. TTC and babies were not crossing her mind.

The thing that I haven't mentioned yet? I'm almost embarrassed to say it. I've been through this once before. Another one of my unmarried (although much more unprepared) sister also got pregnant very unexpectedly when I was TTC the first time around. It was awful then and it is awful now. In fact, the day that she gave birth was the day that my then doctor told me that we'd never be able to conceive naturally. Imagine learning that little tidbit of information while trying to be a supportive birthing coach for my unmarried sister who got knocked up accidentally. I remember taking a break at one point and going into this dark hallway and bawling my eyes out over the unfairness.

Because it is unfair. But that's life, isn't it? It isn't my sister's fault I cannot get pregnant. I'm her big sister and her friend and of course, I will be there for her. I will be her biggest support system, be planning her shower and love that baby like crazy. Because I love her, and she deserves all the happiness and excitement that comes with being pregnant.

I just can't believe that this is happening. It feels so personal and I keep questioning God and why this is happening. Right or wrong, I just can't help it.

Did I mention I am ovulating? Either last night or today. I can feel it. Much like last month, it is very uncomfortable to ovulate more than one egg. Well, I am assuming I am ovulating more than one egg, I really wouldn't know. It just feels exactly like last month. Somewhat painful. And while I would love nothing more than to conceive this cycle, it just seems so impossible.

The impossible dream. It seems to be the story of my life.