Yesterday was CD11 and like months past, I received an equal postivie OPK. I say equal because the test line was not dark, dark but equal to the reference line. Remember last month when I continued taking the opks and as I got closer to my "real" ovulation, I received a super dark postive? Did I mention I HATE opks?? I just think that I receive postives even when they really not positive. Does that make any sense at all or do I just sound like a rambling lunatic?
Anyway, this time I decided to "ignore" it and wait until today to test again. Today was positive, albeit another equal postive, so I called my RE and I go in today for an ultrasound to check folicles and see what the hell is gong on in there. I am happy about this because I cannot go off of those stupid test strips anymore! I really belive they lead me astray last month and therefore, we timed our IUI way too early. Well hell, I know we timed our IUI way to early because of them. I got a positve on CD11 and ovulated on CD15. This month I am doing everything I can to make sure the timing is a more appropriate.
So, I go in at 1pm and I am hoping all looks good. Then we can do the trigger and go in tomorrow (?) for the IUI. Wish me luck!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
A question
What are good post-wash numbers? I've been reading varying reports and I'm just curious. I think I'm going to call my clinic and ask again what DH's numbers were (I think around 23 or 26 million? But they didn't give a "grade" nor did they have morph numbers at that time) and also I wonder what they consider bad, good or great.
Any one have any information?
Any one have any information?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Lucky number 18?
It took us 18 long cycles to conceive Keegan and as of last Thursday (3/20), we are officially on cycle 18. I am keeping our fingers crossed that cycle 18 brings with it another positive.
The clomid question was taken out of my hands. I called my RE's office on Friday and had they been open or called me back in a timely manner, I would have probably gone ahead with clomid because I was in the city and I was in limbo. As it turns out, they had weird hours on Friday because of Easter and didn't get back to me until Monday morning - by then it was CD5 and I couldn't make it back up to the city (I live 45 minutes away) that day for a baseline ultrasound. Both baseline and clomid had to be done and started by CD5. So, clomid is a no go this cycle. I am okay with that. At first I felt annoyed with myself that I hadn't pushed harder to make contact with someone at the clinic but I've since realized that it probably happened for a reason. I wasn't sure anyway and it was taken out of my hands. So there.
I'm on to a new cycle and filled with hope. I will begin peeing on sticks on CD10 and as soon as I see a surge, I'll go in for an ultrasound. If all looks good, trigger and IUI. I am really feeling good about all this and hoping against hope that 18 truly is a lucky number for us.
The clomid question was taken out of my hands. I called my RE's office on Friday and had they been open or called me back in a timely manner, I would have probably gone ahead with clomid because I was in the city and I was in limbo. As it turns out, they had weird hours on Friday because of Easter and didn't get back to me until Monday morning - by then it was CD5 and I couldn't make it back up to the city (I live 45 minutes away) that day for a baseline ultrasound. Both baseline and clomid had to be done and started by CD5. So, clomid is a no go this cycle. I am okay with that. At first I felt annoyed with myself that I hadn't pushed harder to make contact with someone at the clinic but I've since realized that it probably happened for a reason. I wasn't sure anyway and it was taken out of my hands. So there.
I'm on to a new cycle and filled with hope. I will begin peeing on sticks on CD10 and as soon as I see a surge, I'll go in for an ultrasound. If all looks good, trigger and IUI. I am really feeling good about all this and hoping against hope that 18 truly is a lucky number for us.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Looking toward the horizon
Today is CD30 and while that means it has been one of my longest cycles yet, I barely took notice. I actually had to look at my calendar before I started this post to find out the exact CD. (How's that for obsessive? Ha!) Anyway, I guess there are two reasons that I haven't been paying much attention. One, I have had a lot of bullshit going on at work and my mind is so full of that, I am uable to think about much more. Two, I knew from the start that this cycle should be considered a natural cycle and therefore, I wasn't holding out much hope.
Our IUI was on CD12 and I ovulated on CD15 - not good timing. Also, it is why my period is "late". Considering when I ovulated, my period should show up today. When I took my temp this morning, a definite temp drop so it looks like my body is doing exactly what it should do. 14 day luteal phase. God, I am a lucky girl.
At any rate, I'm really not that disappointed. I mean, of course I am disappointed but I guess what I mean is I never really thought I was anyway so it isn't like I had my hopes up. With all this work stuff going on (I cannot get into it or I would be typing for the rest of the day), it would have been so nice to turn up pregnant and just say F*&@ You! But alas, no such luck.
I am looking forward to moving onto next cycle and going ahead with the monitoring and trigger. I have about 12 hours to decide if I want to throw clomid into the mix. I'm leaning towards no - but I just don't totally know. I wish someone would just TELL me what to do.
Our IUI was on CD12 and I ovulated on CD15 - not good timing. Also, it is why my period is "late". Considering when I ovulated, my period should show up today. When I took my temp this morning, a definite temp drop so it looks like my body is doing exactly what it should do. 14 day luteal phase. God, I am a lucky girl.
At any rate, I'm really not that disappointed. I mean, of course I am disappointed but I guess what I mean is I never really thought I was anyway so it isn't like I had my hopes up. With all this work stuff going on (I cannot get into it or I would be typing for the rest of the day), it would have been so nice to turn up pregnant and just say F*&@ You! But alas, no such luck.
I am looking forward to moving onto next cycle and going ahead with the monitoring and trigger. I have about 12 hours to decide if I want to throw clomid into the mix. I'm leaning towards no - but I just don't totally know. I wish someone would just TELL me what to do.
Monday, March 17, 2008
An infertility argument, to say the least
DH and I got into a BIG argument about infertility on Friday night. I really don't even know how or why it started but regardless, it did not end well.
Through this whole process, including the 18 months it took to conceive Keegan, he has been less than supportive. In fact, he has been so emotionally detached from the process and from me (when it comes to TTC) that I have learned to distance myself and my feelings about it from him. I do not think this is healthy in the least but I do not know how else to handle the situation with him.
I don't really know how to write this post without making him sound like a complete asshole but I do want to state that he is not. He is not a jerk, he is a good husband and a wonderful father. He just is a nightmare for me when it comes to all of this infertility shit and I really need to vent. I don't know if it is because he is the one with "the problem" or if it is just his nature but he is NOT supportive in the least. He'll go through the motions, to a point, and that is it. We are not a team in this endeavor, not even close. It has always been a huge issue with me but until Friday night, I was willing to overlook it. Now, not so much.
I read all these other blogs with husbands that hold hands, wipe tears, invest time and energy into the process and are just "there" for their wives. This is not my husband. In fact, during our fight he told me that he was sick of me getting upset when I get my period. He was sick of me letting my cycle run our lives and that we shouldn't have to plan our schedules around it. I, for one, completely agree - but hello, that is the BITCH of infertilty. We have no choice. I told him that and also that if I wanted to get "upset" or scream or cry or anything else when I get my period, I have every right. I am allowed to get upset and show emotion and that if fact, I was sick of him not showing emotion.
He also said I was obssessive?? He doesn't have a clue.
The thing that really pisses me off is that I truly do not show as much emotion as I feel when my period shows up or any other time for that matter. For the record, I do not cry. Certainly, not in front of him. I do not talk about the majority of what I am dealing with, day-to-day, with him. I purposely talk to him as little as possible about all of it because I know he wants to avoid it all as much as possible. I do most of my venting, talking, analyzing online because he does not want me to talk about it to anyone in real life. He even asked me not to talk to my best friend about it. It sucks!! Just because he pretends that none of it is happening does't mean it isn't. And it is not healthy to hold it in.
He also said at one point that he had done his part. Are you kidding me??? He has had to go in for TWO sperm analysis, and one IUI. That's it, folks. That is the extent of his involvement and discomfort. I have to temp every day, buy (at $50 a box) and take OPKs every month, have much more intrusive testing (such as an HSG, vaginal exams, ultrasounds, ect.), bleed and cramp every month and most recently, have a clamp around my cervix while a cathetor is insterted into my uterus. In the future, if there is one, I'll also have to endure various hormonal changes due to fertilty drugs and then more of the same as above.
If we are successful (ha!), then I get to puke for five months, get fat, have my internal organs completely rearranged inside of me due to a growing baby, heartburn, sleepless nights and a million other issues associated with pregnancy ending in pushing a baby out of my vagina.
Then comes breastfeeding....
I'm just so tired of all of it. I know he is too but he doesn't know the half of it.
I don't know what his problem was that night but he said so many hurtful and just plain mean things that it still makes me angry when I think of it. I couldn't even stand to look at him for the whole day afterwards and maybe said one or two words to him - not because was hold a grudge but because I truly did not want to look at his face.
Two days later, he is being as sweet as pie. Like none of it ever happened. It's miserable for me. Once yesterday, he looked at me and asked if I had ever talked to the doctor about a follow report from our IUI (having to do with his sperm) and I looked at him like he had 10 heads. Because seriously? Does he remember the fight? I didn't even bother to respond. And also? All you internet people know that I have spoken to the doctor - isn't it funny that he doesn' know? That's because I do not feel comfortable talking to him about it for fear that he thinks I am "obsessing".
Then last night, I was watching TV when that show, I can make you thin, came on. I've never seen it but DH walked out right when it came on and I said, "Hey - this guy is going to make me thin!" I was just kidding but do you know what DH's response was?? He smiled and said, "I don't want you thin, I want you fat and pregnant." Normally, that would have been a very sweet comment but not after he has said to me that he thinks we should just give up, that he cannot take of more day of this crap. What is wrong with him?
I am so sick of going through this all alone. I actually get jealous when I read about other husbands in this situation. That is just ridiculous.
I don't know where we go from here. I truly don't.
Through this whole process, including the 18 months it took to conceive Keegan, he has been less than supportive. In fact, he has been so emotionally detached from the process and from me (when it comes to TTC) that I have learned to distance myself and my feelings about it from him. I do not think this is healthy in the least but I do not know how else to handle the situation with him.
I don't really know how to write this post without making him sound like a complete asshole but I do want to state that he is not. He is not a jerk, he is a good husband and a wonderful father. He just is a nightmare for me when it comes to all of this infertility shit and I really need to vent. I don't know if it is because he is the one with "the problem" or if it is just his nature but he is NOT supportive in the least. He'll go through the motions, to a point, and that is it. We are not a team in this endeavor, not even close. It has always been a huge issue with me but until Friday night, I was willing to overlook it. Now, not so much.
I read all these other blogs with husbands that hold hands, wipe tears, invest time and energy into the process and are just "there" for their wives. This is not my husband. In fact, during our fight he told me that he was sick of me getting upset when I get my period. He was sick of me letting my cycle run our lives and that we shouldn't have to plan our schedules around it. I, for one, completely agree - but hello, that is the BITCH of infertilty. We have no choice. I told him that and also that if I wanted to get "upset" or scream or cry or anything else when I get my period, I have every right. I am allowed to get upset and show emotion and that if fact, I was sick of him not showing emotion.
He also said I was obssessive?? He doesn't have a clue.
The thing that really pisses me off is that I truly do not show as much emotion as I feel when my period shows up or any other time for that matter. For the record, I do not cry. Certainly, not in front of him. I do not talk about the majority of what I am dealing with, day-to-day, with him. I purposely talk to him as little as possible about all of it because I know he wants to avoid it all as much as possible. I do most of my venting, talking, analyzing online because he does not want me to talk about it to anyone in real life. He even asked me not to talk to my best friend about it. It sucks!! Just because he pretends that none of it is happening does't mean it isn't. And it is not healthy to hold it in.
He also said at one point that he had done his part. Are you kidding me??? He has had to go in for TWO sperm analysis, and one IUI. That's it, folks. That is the extent of his involvement and discomfort. I have to temp every day, buy (at $50 a box) and take OPKs every month, have much more intrusive testing (such as an HSG, vaginal exams, ultrasounds, ect.), bleed and cramp every month and most recently, have a clamp around my cervix while a cathetor is insterted into my uterus. In the future, if there is one, I'll also have to endure various hormonal changes due to fertilty drugs and then more of the same as above.
If we are successful (ha!), then I get to puke for five months, get fat, have my internal organs completely rearranged inside of me due to a growing baby, heartburn, sleepless nights and a million other issues associated with pregnancy ending in pushing a baby out of my vagina.
Then comes breastfeeding....
I'm just so tired of all of it. I know he is too but he doesn't know the half of it.
I don't know what his problem was that night but he said so many hurtful and just plain mean things that it still makes me angry when I think of it. I couldn't even stand to look at him for the whole day afterwards and maybe said one or two words to him - not because was hold a grudge but because I truly did not want to look at his face.
Two days later, he is being as sweet as pie. Like none of it ever happened. It's miserable for me. Once yesterday, he looked at me and asked if I had ever talked to the doctor about a follow report from our IUI (having to do with his sperm) and I looked at him like he had 10 heads. Because seriously? Does he remember the fight? I didn't even bother to respond. And also? All you internet people know that I have spoken to the doctor - isn't it funny that he doesn' know? That's because I do not feel comfortable talking to him about it for fear that he thinks I am "obsessing".
Then last night, I was watching TV when that show, I can make you thin, came on. I've never seen it but DH walked out right when it came on and I said, "Hey - this guy is going to make me thin!" I was just kidding but do you know what DH's response was?? He smiled and said, "I don't want you thin, I want you fat and pregnant." Normally, that would have been a very sweet comment but not after he has said to me that he thinks we should just give up, that he cannot take of more day of this crap. What is wrong with him?
I am so sick of going through this all alone. I actually get jealous when I read about other husbands in this situation. That is just ridiculous.
I don't know where we go from here. I truly don't.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
We may be related but we cannot relate
My mom was fertile - very, very fertile. She had six children and five of them were conceived within the first month or two of trying. She has absolutely no concept of infertility. On the very rare occasion that we end up discussing my "situation" I always walk away from the conversation disappointed and wanting more from her. What more do I want?? I have no idea. It's just that she is my mom and I feel like she should make things better instead of worse, you know?
I told her about our IUI and she asked a few minimal questions but the whole topic was covered in about five minutes or less and then she changed the subject. That was a week ago on Sunday, IUI day. Two days ago we were having lunch together and she kept looking at me weird. I could tell that she wanted to say something to me but didn't. I knew what that something was but I didn't encourage her - at all.
Last night, she called me and talked about a bunch of trivial things and then said, "Hmmm...I've been meaning to ask you something," all nonchalantly. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, just waiting for it. She wanted to know if I felt pregnant. To which I responded, "Um, no," but went on to say that I really wouldn't. Last time I didn't feel pregnant until I started getting sick at six weeks. Then, even though I knew I shouldn't have, I went on to tell her that I had talked to my doctor and had two options moving forward. She asked what they were and after I explained them, in detail (what was I thinking?), she said, "Well, just keep plugging along." And again, changed the subject.
Just keep plugging along?? What the hell is that? What does that mean?
She just doesn't get it and no matter what she says or how she responds, it never helps. Never. It is so frustrating for me and it makes me just dread talking about it with her. I hate it. She's my mom, the person that you are supposed to turn to when you are in trouble or need advice. I know that she can't relate, I know that. But. But! I wish she would think a bit before she responds. (One time she actually told me that if I couldn't get pregnant then I should just adopt a Chinese baby because they are so darn cute.) I wish she would just try to be a little more supportive rather than ask a couple of quick questions and then change the subject to something not so serious. I wish she would understand how awful and all encompassing this is for me and go out of her way to learn more about it.
I went online this morning and ordered her a book about infertility. I am going to give it to her in hopes that she'll realize how sensitive and "big" this issue is. That is nothing to joke about or breeze over. It is my reality and unfortunately, part of who I am. She needs to get it.
I told her about our IUI and she asked a few minimal questions but the whole topic was covered in about five minutes or less and then she changed the subject. That was a week ago on Sunday, IUI day. Two days ago we were having lunch together and she kept looking at me weird. I could tell that she wanted to say something to me but didn't. I knew what that something was but I didn't encourage her - at all.
Last night, she called me and talked about a bunch of trivial things and then said, "Hmmm...I've been meaning to ask you something," all nonchalantly. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, just waiting for it. She wanted to know if I felt pregnant. To which I responded, "Um, no," but went on to say that I really wouldn't. Last time I didn't feel pregnant until I started getting sick at six weeks. Then, even though I knew I shouldn't have, I went on to tell her that I had talked to my doctor and had two options moving forward. She asked what they were and after I explained them, in detail (what was I thinking?), she said, "Well, just keep plugging along." And again, changed the subject.
Just keep plugging along?? What the hell is that? What does that mean?
She just doesn't get it and no matter what she says or how she responds, it never helps. Never. It is so frustrating for me and it makes me just dread talking about it with her. I hate it. She's my mom, the person that you are supposed to turn to when you are in trouble or need advice. I know that she can't relate, I know that. But. But! I wish she would think a bit before she responds. (One time she actually told me that if I couldn't get pregnant then I should just adopt a Chinese baby because they are so darn cute.) I wish she would just try to be a little more supportive rather than ask a couple of quick questions and then change the subject to something not so serious. I wish she would understand how awful and all encompassing this is for me and go out of her way to learn more about it.
I went online this morning and ordered her a book about infertility. I am going to give it to her in hopes that she'll realize how sensitive and "big" this issue is. That is nothing to joke about or breeze over. It is my reality and unfortunately, part of who I am. She needs to get it.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I got some answers!
I called my clinic this morning and my RE was with patients (shock) so I talked to a nurse. She was sooooo sweet and helpful. The last nurse I talked to, about a month ago, was rude and very short with me so when I was told that I could talk to a nurse I was not expecting much. I was pleasantly surprised. The nurse said that they were there to help, offer advice and make me feel more comfortable about my treatment plan overall. She took the time to listen to all my concerns and validated all of them.
Here are the two options that we came up with for next cycle (if there is one):
Plan #1
Take OPKs and wait for my surge. Once I receive a positive, call and schedule an ultrasound for that day. They'll check my follicles and determine if I can trigger. If my follicles don't look ready, I wait a day or two and come back for a follow up ultrasound and if everything looks good - trigger after that one. I have always ovulated between CD12-14 so she thinks it'll be two ultrasounds MAX. This is exactly what I was hoping she'd say. So, after I trigger I'll come in for an IUI and hope for the best.
With this option I'll have complete control over ovulation and there will be no guess work involved by relying on those stupid OPKs.
Price = Ultrasound $194 (possible x2)
Trigger shot Generic HCG $20 vs. Ovadril $80 (not sure which one)
IUI $261
Worst case would be approximately $729 but hopefully more like $475.
Plan #2
Throw clomid into the mix. Go in for a baseline ultrasound between CD2-4, take clomid and wait for a surge. Once I have a surge, go in for an ultrasound and if all looks good - trigger. If not, wait a day or two and go in for another ultrasound. If all looks good - trigger.
With this option, we could increase our chances of conception a bit because we may have more than one egg, giving the sperm more than one target. We'd also increase our chance of multiples and I am not sure I am quite ready for that possibility. As much as I truly want to conceive, multiples scares me. A lot.
Price = Ultrasounds (x 2-4) $770
Trigger $20 - $80
IUI $261
Clomid?? (she didn't know specific cost but said it wasn't too much??)
Total cost would be in the ball park of $1,200 (worst case)
With all that being said, I am going with Plan #1. I think controlling timing would be a huge improvement. I also am hoping we'd have success at much lower cost. And then there is the chance of multiples which also plays a big role. Plan #1 is a good next step for us. If we aren't successful after a couple tries with that, then I think I would be at the point where I would want to introduce clomid.
Of course, I would much rather get a positive pregnancy test next week and forget any of this ever happened but the chances of that happening are pretty slim.
Here are the two options that we came up with for next cycle (if there is one):
Plan #1
Take OPKs and wait for my surge. Once I receive a positive, call and schedule an ultrasound for that day. They'll check my follicles and determine if I can trigger. If my follicles don't look ready, I wait a day or two and come back for a follow up ultrasound and if everything looks good - trigger after that one. I have always ovulated between CD12-14 so she thinks it'll be two ultrasounds MAX. This is exactly what I was hoping she'd say. So, after I trigger I'll come in for an IUI and hope for the best.
With this option I'll have complete control over ovulation and there will be no guess work involved by relying on those stupid OPKs.
Price = Ultrasound $194 (possible x2)
Trigger shot Generic HCG $20 vs. Ovadril $80 (not sure which one)
IUI $261
Worst case would be approximately $729 but hopefully more like $475.
Plan #2
Throw clomid into the mix. Go in for a baseline ultrasound between CD2-4, take clomid and wait for a surge. Once I have a surge, go in for an ultrasound and if all looks good - trigger. If not, wait a day or two and go in for another ultrasound. If all looks good - trigger.
With this option, we could increase our chances of conception a bit because we may have more than one egg, giving the sperm more than one target. We'd also increase our chance of multiples and I am not sure I am quite ready for that possibility. As much as I truly want to conceive, multiples scares me. A lot.
Price = Ultrasounds (x 2-4) $770
Trigger $20 - $80
IUI $261
Clomid?? (she didn't know specific cost but said it wasn't too much??)
Total cost would be in the ball park of $1,200 (worst case)
With all that being said, I am going with Plan #1. I think controlling timing would be a huge improvement. I also am hoping we'd have success at much lower cost. And then there is the chance of multiples which also plays a big role. Plan #1 is a good next step for us. If we aren't successful after a couple tries with that, then I think I would be at the point where I would want to introduce clomid.
Of course, I would much rather get a positive pregnancy test next week and forget any of this ever happened but the chances of that happening are pretty slim.
Monday, March 10, 2008
I missed him by five minutes!
My doctor just called - at 3:57pm and I missed it. I called back at 4:01 and their offices are closed for the day. Damn. I have been sitting by my desk the entire day and it just figures that I would miss that call! Oh well, I guess I will call first thing in the morning.
In his message he said that he had gotten the message that I would like to get more aggressive with treatments if this cycle is not successful. He said that he'd like me to define aggressive for him since he knows that we lack insurance coverage. I'm going to ask if he can prescribe me clomid and if he can do limited monitoring with a trigger shot. I have NO idea how much all that will cost. Anyone??
I figure when I get my positive OPK then I can go in for an ultrasound and if all looks good, trigger. If the follicles don't look quite ready then I can wait a day or two, ultrasound again and then trigger. So, I'm thinking two ultrasounds max, clomid and then a trigger shot. And, of course, the IUI. I wonder how much that will run us? I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Plus, pick his brain a little more to get his thoughts.
Speaking of OPKs, something occurred to me. I always hear about people never getting positives on them and I wondered if their negative only meant one line - or just a faint positive? You see, I've always gotten a faint positive - never, ever a flat out negative. I also have a pretty strong negative for a couple days before it is an equal positive and then eventually a strong darker than the reference line positive. My point, I always have some type of line in the test line spot. Is this normal? Does this mean anything? Am I over-analyzing??
I am really looking forward to talking to him tomorrow and finding out some answers.
In his message he said that he had gotten the message that I would like to get more aggressive with treatments if this cycle is not successful. He said that he'd like me to define aggressive for him since he knows that we lack insurance coverage. I'm going to ask if he can prescribe me clomid and if he can do limited monitoring with a trigger shot. I have NO idea how much all that will cost. Anyone??
I figure when I get my positive OPK then I can go in for an ultrasound and if all looks good, trigger. If the follicles don't look quite ready then I can wait a day or two, ultrasound again and then trigger. So, I'm thinking two ultrasounds max, clomid and then a trigger shot. And, of course, the IUI. I wonder how much that will run us? I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Plus, pick his brain a little more to get his thoughts.
Speaking of OPKs, something occurred to me. I always hear about people never getting positives on them and I wondered if their negative only meant one line - or just a faint positive? You see, I've always gotten a faint positive - never, ever a flat out negative. I also have a pretty strong negative for a couple days before it is an equal positive and then eventually a strong darker than the reference line positive. My point, I always have some type of line in the test line spot. Is this normal? Does this mean anything? Am I over-analyzing??
I am really looking forward to talking to him tomorrow and finding out some answers.
Infertility strikes again
My cousin is getting married in Florida in about a month. My mom really, really wants my sisters (there are five of us) and I to fly down for the weekend and attend the wedding with her. Up until recently, nobody could make the trip. Slowly, that is changing. First, one sister was able to make it work, then another and now a third. Now, the pressure is on for me to go as well. Problem being, I cannot plan a month out in advance. Hell, sometimes I cannot plan a day in advance. Have I mentioned that I HATE infertility???
My mom knows about our IUI. I orginally told her that I couldn't make the trip because of money and having to save for fertility treatments. Her response was that she would pay for my airfare (she is also paying for my sisters) and if I ever needed money for treatments, she'd be happy to help. While I should be grateful to have her financial support, I really have trouble with it.
My parents divorced when I was 17 (the oldest) and because of the divorce and having five young children, they did not have any money. At all. My mom had been a stay at home mom for years and years and after the divorce worked a lot of shitty part time jobs while putting herself through school. We had to move out of my childhood home and ended up moving around a lot (one time I counted 12 times in a year). At any rate, as of 17 years of age - I had to depend solely on myself for financial support. I mean, 100% on my own. That included even little things like shampoo, toothpaste, school supplies or dinner. I never again asked for anything from my parents and I never again expected anything. I put myself through college and really never looked back. I lived my own life and got used to it.
Thirteen years later, things have changed. My mom finished school, got a decent job and recently was married to a great guy. The thing is, this guy (my stepdad) is very well-off and now my mom is able to offer help to my sisters, and to me. But for some reason, I just can't go there! I am not used to taking money from anyone. I am not used to being offered financial help. I just makes me feel so weird! And wrong! But to know that my mom offered to help pay for fertility treatments, well, it sort of makes me want to cry. Of course, I would never take her up on it - DH would definitely not be on board with that either. But still, I guess it is the thought that counts.
So, the point of this post was supposed to be that I am mad because I could have a free trip to Florida but I cannot really take advantage of it because infertilty gets in the way. I told my mom that I would have to wait at least until next week to see if my period shows up or not and then after that, it would be a matter of timing IUI#2. Then, it would go back to the money issue. Even if it is a free trip I feel guilty for some reason.
But to take a free trip to somewhere warm and sunny sounds so great. I picture myself laying on the beach, soaking up the sun and relaxing by myself. Alone. Lately, I just want to be alone. Away from DH, away from Keegan, away from work. It must be slight depression because I just want to be ALONE. I guess that is why this trip is so tempting. It sounds like heaven.
But my reality will probably involve no such trip and instead undergoing IUI#2 while saving money for IUI#3. Good times.
Today I am grateful for:
My mom knows about our IUI. I orginally told her that I couldn't make the trip because of money and having to save for fertility treatments. Her response was that she would pay for my airfare (she is also paying for my sisters) and if I ever needed money for treatments, she'd be happy to help. While I should be grateful to have her financial support, I really have trouble with it.
My parents divorced when I was 17 (the oldest) and because of the divorce and having five young children, they did not have any money. At all. My mom had been a stay at home mom for years and years and after the divorce worked a lot of shitty part time jobs while putting herself through school. We had to move out of my childhood home and ended up moving around a lot (one time I counted 12 times in a year). At any rate, as of 17 years of age - I had to depend solely on myself for financial support. I mean, 100% on my own. That included even little things like shampoo, toothpaste, school supplies or dinner. I never again asked for anything from my parents and I never again expected anything. I put myself through college and really never looked back. I lived my own life and got used to it.
Thirteen years later, things have changed. My mom finished school, got a decent job and recently was married to a great guy. The thing is, this guy (my stepdad) is very well-off and now my mom is able to offer help to my sisters, and to me. But for some reason, I just can't go there! I am not used to taking money from anyone. I am not used to being offered financial help. I just makes me feel so weird! And wrong! But to know that my mom offered to help pay for fertility treatments, well, it sort of makes me want to cry. Of course, I would never take her up on it - DH would definitely not be on board with that either. But still, I guess it is the thought that counts.
So, the point of this post was supposed to be that I am mad because I could have a free trip to Florida but I cannot really take advantage of it because infertilty gets in the way. I told my mom that I would have to wait at least until next week to see if my period shows up or not and then after that, it would be a matter of timing IUI#2. Then, it would go back to the money issue. Even if it is a free trip I feel guilty for some reason.
But to take a free trip to somewhere warm and sunny sounds so great. I picture myself laying on the beach, soaking up the sun and relaxing by myself. Alone. Lately, I just want to be alone. Away from DH, away from Keegan, away from work. It must be slight depression because I just want to be ALONE. I guess that is why this trip is so tempting. It sounds like heaven.
But my reality will probably involve no such trip and instead undergoing IUI#2 while saving money for IUI#3. Good times.
Today I am grateful for:
- Having a good job and financial security.
- A mother who doesn't understand the first thing about infertilty but is still willing to give financial support (even though I won't take it).
- The ability to "play" on the internet while working.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Jumping on the bandwagon
I started this blog so that I could document our infertility journey and to be as real as possible. I wanted a place that was an outlet for me to get any thoughts, worries, rants or whatever, out of my head and onto virtual paper. At the same time, there is a lot more to me than infertility and all the negativity that surrounds it.
I was reading a few other blogs today (shock) and I saw that many were starting to blog three things each day that they were grateful for and I decided that this would be a great thing for me to start doing as well. Despite all this infertility shit, there are so many positive things going on in my life. I just need to put them into perspective more often and that is where this task comes into play.
Today I am grateful for:
I was reading a few other blogs today (shock) and I saw that many were starting to blog three things each day that they were grateful for and I decided that this would be a great thing for me to start doing as well. Despite all this infertility shit, there are so many positive things going on in my life. I just need to put them into perspective more often and that is where this task comes into play.
Today I am grateful for:
- My family's health! I think we have finally kicked this flu/cold bug once and for all. I just took my last antibiotic and am feeling so much more human than I was just five days ago. Keegan also hasn't had a runny nose or a fever in days and it is wonderful.
- The good friends I get to hang out with this weekend. We have a lot of old friends coming into town this weekend and we are all going out tomorrow night, it should be a lot of fun. Just like old days!
- It's Friday! This needs no more explanation.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
4 dpiui, 1 dpo
Now that is an effed up title if I ever saw one. My temp went up this morning, CD16 which means I ovulated yesterday. Just f*#%ing great.
Yesterday, I was having all sorts of cramps and pains in my lower belly/uterus/ovary area and today I am very crampy overall, more than just my usual pinpointed ovulation pain. I don't know what that means, if anything. DH and I have been trying on our own quite a bit just in case by a total fluke of nature we were able to conceive on our own. Hahahahaha. Too funny. At least I know that despite the poor timing of our IUI, we did everything possible on our own to try and salvage this cycle.
My doctor hasn't called yet but I'll give him until the end of the week. If I don't hear from him by Friday, I'll probably call on Monday. I know it is so early to be worried about next cycle already but I need to have a game plan set and worked out in my mind so that I can productively move forward - even if it is only mentally.
In other news, I just found out I have an interview next week for a promotion. I have been waiting for this promotion for oh, forever. It seems that way anyway! My immediate boss was promoted five months ago and I've been waiting on pins and needles to take his old job - meanwhile, working my butt off to take on as much of it as I could in the meantime to show that I already have one foot in the door. It's been a stressful few months but I am hoping that it is all about to pay off. This would mean a big pay increase and it would be so much more mentally challenging than my current position (which I've been in for almost nine years and could do with my eyes closed!). Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
We have a good friend of ours in town from Florida for a week. He is DH's best friend from high school and over the years he has become a dear friend to me as well. He hasn't been back to Minnesota for over seven years and while I love him to pieces and am so happy to see him - he and DH have been quite the handful. Last night they had a little too much to drink and it made for an entertaining situation and so tonight I am hoping that things are a little more mellow around our house. It has been such a long week and I am exhausted!!
Yesterday, I was having all sorts of cramps and pains in my lower belly/uterus/ovary area and today I am very crampy overall, more than just my usual pinpointed ovulation pain. I don't know what that means, if anything. DH and I have been trying on our own quite a bit just in case by a total fluke of nature we were able to conceive on our own. Hahahahaha. Too funny. At least I know that despite the poor timing of our IUI, we did everything possible on our own to try and salvage this cycle.
My doctor hasn't called yet but I'll give him until the end of the week. If I don't hear from him by Friday, I'll probably call on Monday. I know it is so early to be worried about next cycle already but I need to have a game plan set and worked out in my mind so that I can productively move forward - even if it is only mentally.
In other news, I just found out I have an interview next week for a promotion. I have been waiting for this promotion for oh, forever. It seems that way anyway! My immediate boss was promoted five months ago and I've been waiting on pins and needles to take his old job - meanwhile, working my butt off to take on as much of it as I could in the meantime to show that I already have one foot in the door. It's been a stressful few months but I am hoping that it is all about to pay off. This would mean a big pay increase and it would be so much more mentally challenging than my current position (which I've been in for almost nine years and could do with my eyes closed!). Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
We have a good friend of ours in town from Florida for a week. He is DH's best friend from high school and over the years he has become a dear friend to me as well. He hasn't been back to Minnesota for over seven years and while I love him to pieces and am so happy to see him - he and DH have been quite the handful. Last night they had a little too much to drink and it made for an entertaining situation and so tonight I am hoping that things are a little more mellow around our house. It has been such a long week and I am exhausted!!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Welcome to my pity party
I started off my day upset. Upset probably isn't the right word but I really can't think of a better one right now. What word accurately desribes all the disappointments involved with infertility?
My temp still hasn't gone up - in fact, it has gone down a bit. Good times, I tell you. So, I woke up, took my temp and instantly took it again - just in case. I got the same reading. 97.1 - what the hell is going on?? I was instantly "upset". I mean, seriously? I cannot win. The last two cycles we were unable to do an IUI because of timing - I received a postive OPK on CD11 of both of those cycles and ovulated (according to my temps) on CD13 of both of those cycles. Two days earlier than I had been up until that point as it was usually around CD15.
This cycle, I receive a positive OPK on CD11, go in for an IUI on CD12 and then....nothing. What the hell? Today is CD15 so even is today turns out to be ovulation day, it is two days after my IUI so I might as well consider this a natural cycle and come to terms with the fact that our IUI was pointless and we just through a few hundred dollars in the garbage (along with our hopes).
I'm driving into work this morning, feeling pretty low when I hear a psychic on the radio talking bad vs. good karma and all about the power of positive and negative thinking. He is saying that if you keeping thinking about the negative outcome of something, it will be negative. He said to always, always think about the postive outcome and you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results. While I agree with this idea, it just doesn't seem very realistic for me right now. I mean, how do I remain positive when it is just one obstacle after another?
I'm trying so hard but I'm tired. I'm tired of all of it. And I think I'm starting to get a bit angry. It may just be a pity party day but I feel like it is so damn unfair that we have to go through this again. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with every cycle and I hate that feeling of being stuck in limbo where we can't plan anything. I hate that I have no one in real life that understands and I hate that DH is so emotionally absent from all of this and therefore, I feel like I am the one always having to figure out what to do next. I hate have to continue to go through all this with absolutely no idea if there will ever be a postive outcome.
Negative? Yes, I guess that is where I am today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
My temp still hasn't gone up - in fact, it has gone down a bit. Good times, I tell you. So, I woke up, took my temp and instantly took it again - just in case. I got the same reading. 97.1 - what the hell is going on?? I was instantly "upset". I mean, seriously? I cannot win. The last two cycles we were unable to do an IUI because of timing - I received a postive OPK on CD11 of both of those cycles and ovulated (according to my temps) on CD13 of both of those cycles. Two days earlier than I had been up until that point as it was usually around CD15.
This cycle, I receive a positive OPK on CD11, go in for an IUI on CD12 and then....nothing. What the hell? Today is CD15 so even is today turns out to be ovulation day, it is two days after my IUI so I might as well consider this a natural cycle and come to terms with the fact that our IUI was pointless and we just through a few hundred dollars in the garbage (along with our hopes).
I'm driving into work this morning, feeling pretty low when I hear a psychic on the radio talking bad vs. good karma and all about the power of positive and negative thinking. He is saying that if you keeping thinking about the negative outcome of something, it will be negative. He said to always, always think about the postive outcome and you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results. While I agree with this idea, it just doesn't seem very realistic for me right now. I mean, how do I remain positive when it is just one obstacle after another?
I'm trying so hard but I'm tired. I'm tired of all of it. And I think I'm starting to get a bit angry. It may just be a pity party day but I feel like it is so damn unfair that we have to go through this again. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with every cycle and I hate that feeling of being stuck in limbo where we can't plan anything. I hate that I have no one in real life that understands and I hate that DH is so emotionally absent from all of this and therefore, I feel like I am the one always having to figure out what to do next. I hate have to continue to go through all this with absolutely no idea if there will ever be a postive outcome.
Negative? Yes, I guess that is where I am today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
I should have trusted my gut
According to my temps, I still haven't ovulated. We did our IUI on CD12 and today is CD14 - no temp increase. I knew our timing was off, especially when the nurse was having trouble with my cervix and questioned what CD it was and also confirmed that I had gotten a postive surge.
Yesterday, I stared having strong ovulation pains/symptoms and when I peed on a stick it was instantly a dark positive - darker than either Saturday or Sunday. While I prayed that meant I was in the process of ovulating right then and there, when I took my temp this morning it still hadn't risen. I am guessing today is ovulation day - meaning we did our IUI a day early. I know it is better a day early rather than late but still, this is bad news. Of course, we had sex both last night and this morning so our bases are covered in that department but obviously that hasn't done us much good in the last 17 months so I'm not getting too excited. And if my temp still doesn't rise by tomorrow - then we are two days off and I should have gone by the dark postive rather than just a strong equal positive. Ugh. Who is to know? My doctor said to call when I get a postive, the box says equal means postive. Also, when I showed Saturday's test to DH he said, "Yep, that definitely is positive," so it wasn't just me. I am so confused.
I just feel doomed so far with this whole IUI process. Next cycle I am fairly certain that I'll be taking clomid but I'm thinking that I don't care how much it costs to monitor a bit and do a trigger shot. That way, all the guess work will be taken out and we'll know for sure when I ovulate. These opks just don't seem to work well for me. Either that or I am just an idiot.
Yesterday, I stared having strong ovulation pains/symptoms and when I peed on a stick it was instantly a dark positive - darker than either Saturday or Sunday. While I prayed that meant I was in the process of ovulating right then and there, when I took my temp this morning it still hadn't risen. I am guessing today is ovulation day - meaning we did our IUI a day early. I know it is better a day early rather than late but still, this is bad news. Of course, we had sex both last night and this morning so our bases are covered in that department but obviously that hasn't done us much good in the last 17 months so I'm not getting too excited. And if my temp still doesn't rise by tomorrow - then we are two days off and I should have gone by the dark postive rather than just a strong equal positive. Ugh. Who is to know? My doctor said to call when I get a postive, the box says equal means postive. Also, when I showed Saturday's test to DH he said, "Yep, that definitely is positive," so it wasn't just me. I am so confused.
I just feel doomed so far with this whole IUI process. Next cycle I am fairly certain that I'll be taking clomid but I'm thinking that I don't care how much it costs to monitor a bit and do a trigger shot. That way, all the guess work will be taken out and we'll know for sure when I ovulate. These opks just don't seem to work well for me. Either that or I am just an idiot.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Today was the day
Yesterday, I had a positive OPK so I schedule our first IUI for this morning. Everything went as well as can be expected and now we wait.
I must say I like our new clinic much better than the old one. The room where DH did his thing was much nicer and more professional than the previous one. Every little bit helps, I guess.
The IUI itself was quite but pretty uncomfortable. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I wasn't expecting much discomfort but unfortunately, it hurt a bit. A small price to pay but I just wanted to document it. The nurse said she was having a bit of trouble inserting the catheter into the right spot and apologized. She then said that she needed to use a clamp to hold the cervix in place and that is when it really got uncomfortable. I just concentrated on breathing in and out and it was over before I knew it. All in all, it probably only took about 10 minutes or less. After it was over, she told me that I was bleeding and probably would be for a little while due to a "wound" (her word) on my cervix from the clamp. She said it wasn't a bit deal - of course, it wasn't her cervix that was bleeding either. I then had to lay there for 10 minutes before getting up and putting my clothes back on. Then it was over.
Now, I feel pretty normal. I am still spottig a bit and it has been about 8-9 hours since the IUI. I am a little crampy but it's barely noticeable. I don't feel any ovulation pains or have any real ovulation symptoms so I am a bit worried that we timed it early. The doctor said to go by the positive OPK though, so that is what we are doing. This cycle anyway.
I told the nurse that if we do not have success this cycle, we really want to get more aggressive next time. She said that was fine and she would leave the doctor a note to call me this week and come up with a more aggressive game plan. She also said it would most likely involve clomid and the level of monitoring would be up to me and my doctor.
So, that is how I spend my Sunday. I think I am a bit numb - I guess a part of me still hoped that it wouldn't come to this, that we'd conceive on our own somehow at the last minute. That is obviously not going to be the case. We are now most definitely going down the path of medical intervention and I know that there is no turning back. This makes me so sad, but so hopeful at the same time.
I just pray that we have a positive outcome.
I must say I like our new clinic much better than the old one. The room where DH did his thing was much nicer and more professional than the previous one. Every little bit helps, I guess.
The IUI itself was quite but pretty uncomfortable. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I wasn't expecting much discomfort but unfortunately, it hurt a bit. A small price to pay but I just wanted to document it. The nurse said she was having a bit of trouble inserting the catheter into the right spot and apologized. She then said that she needed to use a clamp to hold the cervix in place and that is when it really got uncomfortable. I just concentrated on breathing in and out and it was over before I knew it. All in all, it probably only took about 10 minutes or less. After it was over, she told me that I was bleeding and probably would be for a little while due to a "wound" (her word) on my cervix from the clamp. She said it wasn't a bit deal - of course, it wasn't her cervix that was bleeding either. I then had to lay there for 10 minutes before getting up and putting my clothes back on. Then it was over.
Now, I feel pretty normal. I am still spottig a bit and it has been about 8-9 hours since the IUI. I am a little crampy but it's barely noticeable. I don't feel any ovulation pains or have any real ovulation symptoms so I am a bit worried that we timed it early. The doctor said to go by the positive OPK though, so that is what we are doing. This cycle anyway.
I told the nurse that if we do not have success this cycle, we really want to get more aggressive next time. She said that was fine and she would leave the doctor a note to call me this week and come up with a more aggressive game plan. She also said it would most likely involve clomid and the level of monitoring would be up to me and my doctor.
So, that is how I spend my Sunday. I think I am a bit numb - I guess a part of me still hoped that it wouldn't come to this, that we'd conceive on our own somehow at the last minute. That is obviously not going to be the case. We are now most definitely going down the path of medical intervention and I know that there is no turning back. This makes me so sad, but so hopeful at the same time.
I just pray that we have a positive outcome.
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