I'm not going to lie, I'm just not doing all that great. In my last post I talked of wanting to bring back some control. Well, I haven't really been following that plan. I just can't. I don't know what my problem is but it's like I am just exhausted or something. I feel too tired to tackle anything or to do anything.
It's like I don't even know what to say because I know that I have no reason to be depressed, and I also know that I cannot blame everything on infertility although I would like to. I mean, hello? I have a beautiful son. Granted, he is three and is a complete handful. Sometimes to the point where I wonder why I think I could possibly handle two kids?
But I do have him. And he really is the coolest kid I know. He says things like, "You are my bestest mom!" to me. What could be better than that?
Then again, he started preschool today which is unexpectedly hard for me. It's just the beginning of him truly becoming his own person and the end of him being a "baby". I know it is a little bit of an exaggeration but this is the start of him having a whole seperate life from me. I keep asking myself, did I treasure those belly kicks enough? Did I truly appreciate the miracle of his birth? Did I live in the moment these last three years?
Also, my sister is starting to show and is finding out the sex of her baby on Friday and while I am excited (it is a baby and my sister's at that), I think it is bothering me quite a bit more than I even realize. I am jealous. I want to experience it just one more time. I want to feel life growing inside of me and have the anticipation of birth again. I want Keegan to have a sibling. And, it really pisses me off that we could be pregnant together and have kids close in age. That would be so neat. I am seven years older than her and never thought that it would even be a possibility that we could have that opportunity and guess what? We still don't. It's not fair.
So yes, it is still pity party central over here and I know that I need to snap out of it. I just can't seem to, though, no matter how hard I try. I just keeping thinking the same thing over and over: I am tired.
2 comments:
You know, I can relate to how you feel. At least as far as the jealousy thing goes. It's silly for me to be so jealous of other women being pregnant and having babies since I have a child...I got to experience that myself, but I just can't seem to stop feeling that way! It's frustrating. It's like, do I really expect the world to stop and women to stop getting pregnant and having babies just because I can't complete my family the way I want to? No, of course not, but yet I still can't shake that overwhelming feeling of jealousy. I told my husband that I just can't wait to be done with the having children thing, because it is just an emotionally gut-wrenching thing for me, and I just can't wait to proceed with the raising of my children and move on from this crappy place of TTC. To be done having babies would be such a relief. Unfortunately, until I get that second baby, I am not going to feel complete, and I have a hunch that I am going to have issues with pregnancies and babies until it happens. Just know you are not alone. And if this makes us bad people, then hey, at least we know we have company! Oh, and I am right there with you with a difficult three year old. I must say, I think Jacob being a handful has DH freaked about adding a second...sometimes I wonder how I would manage, but I am desperate to find out! Anyway, thinking of you, as always. Big cyber hugs to you! If you ever have a reason to visit Ohio, I'll give you a real one!
-Leighann
Hey. First of all, please don't worry about not commenting for awhile. I do it all the time. It's hard to keep up with all the blogs, it's hard to get the energy to comment sometimes. I will never, ever hold it against you. You can go as long as you want without commenting, and I will always be happy to have you back!! And, thanks for your sweet comment today. Of course, I always love getting them.
Secondly, what I wish for you at this moment is that you find a way not to beat yourself up for feeling the way you do right now. I know that's my number one problem--I not only feel bad at times when I wish I didn't, but I don't just accept that I feel bad, I tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling bad, that it's wrong, etc. It's easy to confuse that with trying to cheer yourself up. Look, sometimes you just can't cheer yourself up. Sometimes you're just going to feel shitty. Sometimes it will be for long periods at a time. To the extent it's not truly hurting others (and I don't mean the unpleasantness of your being in a sour mood sometimes), just forgive yourself for it. Life is far from perfect. Our brains are far from perfect, and they were not designed to keep us happy all the time; in fact, they were kind of designed to do just the opposite. It's normal to feel like crap, unfortunately, and I think if you can just LET yourself, you might actually find that you feel a bit better (but it's okay if you don't!).
::sigh:: But I know. Easier said than done. Story of my life. Most importantly, try to remember that though it may feel like it sometimes--a LOT--you are not alone.
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