I don't know what 2010 will bring for our family. Especially in terms of conceiving. I do know that as I reflect on 2009, I am grateful that I got to share it with my son and husband. I am grateful for the wonderful little family that I do have. I am so blessed to have both of them in my life and despite what it may sound like (from time to time) in this blog, I do feel blessed. I have the most wonderful and amazing son anyone could ask for and if there is one resolution for myself this year that will stand out from the rest it will be this: I will work harder to not take once second with him for granted. He is truly a miracle and I am just so lucky to be him mommy.
Speaking of my son...we went to the dentist this week for his six month check up and guess what the x-rays revealed? His six year molars are just below the surface of his gums. Also? His bottom front teeth are just starting to wiggle. I was/am freaked! First of all, he is only four (and a half) and second, he is my baby! What is this talk of loosing teeth and molars? I cannot believe how quickly the time goes!! By this time next year he will be in Kindergarten and will no longer have all his baby teeth. Sniff. Sniff.
He is so much fun right now and maturing so quickly. We have such great conversations together and he cracks me up with his sense of humor. I've been saying it since he was just a baby but his sense of humor is one of his best qualities. He jokes and laughs all the time. Therefore, making me laugh all the time. He is so darn easy to love.
We had a nice Christmas together. It was busy (as it usually is) and I was not graced with a Christmas miracle since my period showed up on Christmas Day morning. But I did get to spend a lot of time with our families and DH, Keegan and I had a very quiet and relaxed Christmas morning, spent alone with just the three of us. It was my favorite Christmas memory of the year.
Like I said, I do not know what 2010 will bring. But I hope, it'll bring another year of health and happiness to our little family of three.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
So this is Christmas...
Another year over, a new one just begun. (Or whatever the lyrics are.)
I just wanted to do a quick update since I'll be away from the computer for about a week. I really appreciate all the advice and support - it truly helps. DH and I have had little bits of "the talk" here and there. I'm sure we'll have the big sit down very soon, probably after the craziness of Christmas.
I can debate over and over in my head but the bottom line is this: I want to give Keegan a sibling. Above everything else, I want that. And if IVF is our last ditch effort to give him the chance of having a brother or sister well, I guess that is what I want to do. I want to give it a shot. It'll be a tough pill to swallow if it isn't successful and that really scares me but that is just part of the deal. It is what it is. I will cross that bridge when/if we get there. Now, I just have to see where DH is at.
I'm off to spend several days off with my wonderful son and husband and I am really looking forward to it. I need to work on getting my Christmas spirit back and Keegan is just the one who could do it for me.
I just wanted to do a quick update since I'll be away from the computer for about a week. I really appreciate all the advice and support - it truly helps. DH and I have had little bits of "the talk" here and there. I'm sure we'll have the big sit down very soon, probably after the craziness of Christmas.
I can debate over and over in my head but the bottom line is this: I want to give Keegan a sibling. Above everything else, I want that. And if IVF is our last ditch effort to give him the chance of having a brother or sister well, I guess that is what I want to do. I want to give it a shot. It'll be a tough pill to swallow if it isn't successful and that really scares me but that is just part of the deal. It is what it is. I will cross that bridge when/if we get there. Now, I just have to see where DH is at.
I'm off to spend several days off with my wonderful son and husband and I am really looking forward to it. I need to work on getting my Christmas spirit back and Keegan is just the one who could do it for me.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I think I'm depressed
I have been doing a lot of soul searching about our situation and in the process and I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed. It sounds really stupid to say it that way. I think I've handled the last three years pretty well, all things considered. I have this blog where I vent about all things IF related but in real life? You would never know - unless you were my husband or best friend. I do not talk about it. With those two (husband and best friend) I have hit lows and highs. They've seen me cry, become angry, laugh, joke, and sulk but I've never truly felt depressed. Until now.
Now I find myself somewhere between despair and numbness. I feel so sad that I am sure I should start sobbing at any minute but I don't. It's like I feel so much that I can't feel anything and I'm sure that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel. I'm just not doing very well right now.
Like I said, I've been soul searching and really trying to dig deep to figure out which path we should take. I think that if we opt not to do IVF that someday, maybe one year from now or maybe 10 years from now, I will greatly regret not trying. I also know that if we end up pregnant from this IVF cycle, there will be no regrets about giving it one last shot. So, my decision should be clear, yes?
It's not. I still can't bring myself to talk to DH about it or say it aloud. I haven't call to speak to the financial coordinator or completed the medical records release form. I haven't done a damn thing and I'm not sure why? Maybe because I am so angry that we have to make this decision or go through this process at all. Why do we have to decide to go through medically invasive procedures and pay thousands of dollars to have a baby. Why? Why us? It is not fair. And I'm still so scared of failure - of what it would do to my spirit and my marriage. It would be one very large hurdle to get over and while I know that we would, it doesn't make the process any less daunting.
Now I find myself somewhere between despair and numbness. I feel so sad that I am sure I should start sobbing at any minute but I don't. It's like I feel so much that I can't feel anything and I'm sure that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel. I'm just not doing very well right now.
Like I said, I've been soul searching and really trying to dig deep to figure out which path we should take. I think that if we opt not to do IVF that someday, maybe one year from now or maybe 10 years from now, I will greatly regret not trying. I also know that if we end up pregnant from this IVF cycle, there will be no regrets about giving it one last shot. So, my decision should be clear, yes?
It's not. I still can't bring myself to talk to DH about it or say it aloud. I haven't call to speak to the financial coordinator or completed the medical records release form. I haven't done a damn thing and I'm not sure why? Maybe because I am so angry that we have to make this decision or go through this process at all. Why do we have to decide to go through medically invasive procedures and pay thousands of dollars to have a baby. Why? Why us? It is not fair. And I'm still so scared of failure - of what it would do to my spirit and my marriage. It would be one very large hurdle to get over and while I know that we would, it doesn't make the process any less daunting.
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