Checking in

Well, hopefully I didn't weird people out with my last post. I know it is a strange concept but I am still a believer for now.

Things are going fine here - not too much to report since this is not a treatment cycle. I am think I am on CD16? Not totally sure and I'm too lazy to look. I ended up having my period for 10 days this cycle! Unheard of for me, I was starting to get worried. I am guessing it had something to do with the Clomid last cycle? Not sure. It felt like the longest period in history. I felt ovulation pains yesterday and today and holy crap were they strong! And it makes sense that I am ovulating late due to the long period.

We plan on doing another IUI next cycle (two weeks or so) and I think we are going to go ahead and do it locally again. I guess I really don't think it makes a huge difference whether we do it in Mpls or here and it is so much more convenient here so why not? If I decide to do an injectable cycle before we throw the towel in then I would go back to Mpls but otherwise, I see no huge benefit to it. In my heart of hearts, I know we need IVF. It is a no brainer. The chanced of IUI working for us at this point is slim to none so why make it anymore stressful than it already is. That's how I feel today anyway.

I'm looking forward to the long holiday weekend, resting after a busy work week and spending time with my favorite little guy.

All sorts of craziness

Remember when I was talking (blogging - whatever) about my doctor was practicing natural healing on me? I don't remember how detailed I got and I'm too lazy to go back and re-read posts so if I repeat myself, sorry.

This is my regular OB/GYN doctor, Dr. G, the one I love and trust. She is a medical doctor and an awesome one at that - but I have quickly learned that she has another side to her. Her own words the other night were something like, "It is amazing the weird shit that seemingly normal people do!" And it is true because this natural healing shit? It's weird. But...I am really starting to believe in it a bit.

What is it? I'm not entirely sure and I am just beginning to learn about it so I wont' really get into explaining the little bit I've read about. Basically, it is all about energy flow. I think. I would guess it is a lot like acupuncture except there are no needles, they just use their hands.

A week ago, I could barely make it through a thought without being on the verge of tears. I felt hopeless and deflated. I really, really was having a rough time. I had emailed Dr. G to let her know that I had gotten my period and she responded shortly after with, "We have to do more healings!! I figure 3-6 and we have some time before your next IUI so let's get busy!" It turns out she has a whole community of friends, "experts" in this whole natural healing thing and she had been talking to them about me. She has gone out of her way to put together a game plan for me and that is probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

I had my second "healing" the other day and I must say, I really and truly FELT something. I've tried to describe it to my DH and my best friend and I cannot really put it into words. It's all motion and heat and afterwards? Calmness. All I know is that it felt good and it felt right. Do I think it'll "cure" our infertility? No, absolutely not. (Although it couldn't hurt either.) Mostly, I think it is going to help me find balance and peace within myself - and that is huge. After the last healing, I felt more connected (to what I'm not sure?) than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I felt grounded. I'm really not trying to sound crazy. I know it is weird and I also have a lot of trouble putting it into words so I know that doesn't help.

So, tomorrow? I am meeting Dr. G and some of her friends at a natural/spiritual healing center and they are all going to do their thing on me. I'm just not sure what that means! Dr. G said that they are going to "heal the shit" out of me. It should be interesting. I will keep you posted on how this whole thing progresses! LOL.

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I also wanted to make a quick comment about my DH. I meant everything I said in the vent about him but I do want to make it clear that he is a good guy. He's a good husband in so many other ways and an awesome dad. I just wish we weren't worlds apart, emotionally speaking. It is one of our biggest struggles and I really don't see it changing so that is extremely frustrating. I just wish every now and then that he would hold me. Just hold me and let me know that I am not in this battle alone.

Thanks for all your support this last cycle - and always. It helps to know that there is someone out there there understands.

Random thoughts

After a rough few days, I am finally doing okay. The more I distance myself from IF, the easier it is to cope. If I dwell on it or think about it often, it almost becomes unbearable. When I am in the middle of a treatment cycle, it becomes all-consuming. Right now, I am holding IF at arms length. I think I am in survival mode.

DH has flights almost non-stop over the next week so a treatment cycle was out of the question this cycle which puts us into a forced time-out. At first I was a little upset about this but I think it is probably for the best. It gives me a mental break, a break from the hope and the heartbreak. It also gives me a chance to decide if I am going back to our local clinic or back to my RE. I am pretty undecided on this one. Also, the question of injectables is still hanging over my head. Should we give an injectable cycle one shot before we quit? I just don't know.

I had a pretty crappy Mother's Day. Good in the sense that I had a wonderful, gorgeous son to spend it with but bad in that I had the flu and wasn't up for doing much at all. Yep, to top off the fun of our IUI failing and having to deal with the fun of my period, I woke up on Saturday and was puking by mid morning. It lasted almost exactly 24 hours so I guess it was just a quick virus. The worst part about it was that I had to send Keegan to my mother-in-laws because DH was working and I couldn't move off the couch. She, of course, thinks that I am pregnant now. She keep giving me these weird "private" looks as though we are sharing some secret. I hate it! My mom was no better, she asked me right away if I could be pregnant. I told her, "No. Not unless you want to borrow me $20,000 for IVF." I didn't get too much conversation out of her after that.

I guess I feel a little lost right now. I am not sure what direction I am going.

My fertile best friend and I had a good talk. Remember, she is five months pregnant with her third baby. I started venting to her one night last week about the (insert drama) unfairness of it all. She did a great job of listening (as she usually does) and let me talk and talk. She usually says all the right things, things such as, her heart is hurting for me, she feels helpless and wishes she could do something, anything. But this time she also said something to me that I keep replaying over and over in my head and I'm not really sure why. She said, "I wish I could feel your pain but I can't. I have no idea how you feel and I cannot relate in anyway. I'm sorry for that." I guess those words sort of stopped me in my tracks. I appreciate them because they are honest and true - she is doing the very best she can at supporting me but she can only do and say so much because she does not understand, she has not been through IF and she never will. I guess those words scared me a bit because it drew a line in the sand right then and there - we are different. VERY different when it comes to this. We will never share this experience and it made me feel like such an outsider from her world - from a normal world. Normal people do not know what it is like to not be able to make a baby with your husband. Her and I are best friends because we are so similar, we have grew up with very much the same experiences. We think alike and we process life so much the same. But this? IF? We are worlds apart.

And back to the part about being able to make a baby with your husband? I guess I've been having some trouble with that lately too. I feel awful even writing about it but I think I need to get it out. Up until the last month, I have never really thought of our IF problems as DH's problem - I've always thought of it as OUR problem. Lately, my mind has taken a different path. I guess it is out of frustration that my body seems to work perfectly and he has this small morphology problem - I just cannot believe that after all this time we are still unable to conceive. Last cycle, I had two follicles, everything (once again) looked perfect with me. That's what it comes down to - I CAN conceive. Just not with my husband. And that makes me so angry!! I know it is not his fault nor is it logical but I started getting angry with him. I am a total over-analyzer so I have thought long and hard about this anger and I think it comes not from the fact that his body doesn't work but more from how he has handled our IF from the beginning. I feel like I have made all the sacrifices, I have done all the research, I have gone through all the procedures and even had surgery. I have kept all my emotions in check at all times - for HIS sake. That makes me angry. Never once in all this time have I felt that I could talk to him in detail about all my thoughts and fears. Never once have I been able to lean on him through this nightmare. And it is HIS problem!! His body not working properly is the reason we are not conceiving, yet I am always the one holding the torch.

He sets "rules" and restrictions. He sets deadlines. He decides. That makes me mad.

I meant what I said when we got back from Florida, I do think we need to set a deadline and I do think that the three year mark is a good one to aim for. I am tired too, I need to bring closure to the wounds IF has left. I agree with that. BUT I do wish we could have discussed IVF a bit more, I wish he did not hold that deadline over my head at all times and mention it over and over again. "We're done in September." Yes, I know. Believe me, I know.

I wish the last five years had not been a constant butting of heads, of battling and arguing. I wish he would have held me as I cried at least once because he never has. I have never once cried to him about IF. Not once.

the last few months, I have felt more on the same page as him than I ever have before. We've been able to talk about treatment like adults and without arguing and that has been a relief. I can bring up an IUI cycle without him freaking out. But I still don't feel as though we are in this together, you know? I've never felt that way.

I know many of you will tell me to talk to him but I won't. It doesn't work with him. I am guessing it is because the problem lies with him - he feels insecure about it and therefore, he acts the way he does. That is just a guess. Whenever it comes to IF discusses, he closes the book. There is no depth to that conversation and I know there never will be.

Whew. I guess I had more frustration in me than I knew. Especially, with him.

I guess that is enough for today. If you've made it this far, I'm impressed. Go do something worthwhile with your time instead of listening to me whine! :)

They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.

They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting.

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying.

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round.

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could.
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do
what it is You think I should.


Another cycle, another failure. The song above isn't a perfect fit for infertility, I know that the meaning behind the words actually has nothing to do with infertility but it fits my mood. I took a test on Tuesday night. I was almost making myself sick wondering if the IUI worked or not. This was one of the worst cycles I ever had as far as hope goes. I had a lot of it. I REALLY wanted this to be the one and I juts had to know. So a took a test for the first time in about a year. It was about as negative as a pregnancy test can get. One dark, solid line and a whole lot of white space next to it.

I decided to go running. I hadn't run once in the 2ww in hopes of...what? I don't know, I guess maybe in fear of hindering implantation somehow? Stupid. So I tied my shoes tight, grabbed my music and headed out the door. I started running and the above song came on and it seemed to fit my mood so well that I started tearing up. And then, I think I had my first ever panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath and I started hyperventilating and I had to stop running. I was out there on my running path, all alone and I felt like my chest was going to explode. I was just SO angry. Angry and desperate. It's like being trapped and having no way out. There is NOTHING I can do about any of this. I have no control and at that moment, it hit me hard. It's like you have someone holding you down and the more you struggle against them, the harder they push and the more frustrated and angry you get. That is how I feel.

And at what point do you just give up? That is the reality of the situation, at some point you do have to quit. I will have to give up on this dream - or I will go nuts. I have had 37 cycles of this roller coaster. Of hoping and praying and grieving and sadness. I have had my spirit crushed 37 times. I AM so angry at the unfairness of it all.

So, that song above. When I heard those words Tuesday night, I sort of feel as though I was directing them at God. Or maybe a bit at my husband. And maybe at infertility itself.

Forgive? That sounds good. That means I will have made peace with IF and that would be wonderful. I am not there yet. Period.

Forget? I don't think anyone who has been through IF forgets. The more you distance yourself from it, the easier it is to ignore. But you don't forget because it has changed you and shaped you into a different person than you were before you battled it.

I'm not ready to make nice,I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round. Well, that just about says it all right now because I while I am not ready to make nice and I am not ready to give up, I do not have much time left. I do not have much left in me to keep battling this monster.

I can't bring myself to give up yet but I know that I will have to soon, because I am tired.

Pregnancy announcements

Two pregnancy announcements by friends this week. TWO. It is so unfair but then again, I guess fair flew out the window a long time ago.

To say that I am crawling out of my skin is an understatement. You see - the problem with hope is that it opens up the possibility of being crushed.

I have prayed so much in the past week that I wonder if God has put me on mute. I just want this story to end positively, you know? I do not want IF to win. I want to look back on these (almost) three years and think to myself that it was worth the wait. That the baby I am holding in my arms was worth every minute of heartache. I do not want to have three wasted years with absolutely nothing to show for it but disappointment. I just keep thinking that it cannot possibly end that way. But it could. Hell, it has happened to many.

Two pregnancies.

I have four more days where my life hangs in the balance. I am so tired of this.