Kicked in the stomach

That's what it feels like right now. On Saturday morning, I got my period and...my best friend got a positive pregnancy test. Probably about the same exact time. And while it was expected (I knew she was trying and I knew she was as fertile as the day is long), it is REALLY hard for me.

You know when you have a really terrible dream and even after you wake up you still have that awful feeling like there is something very wrong? That is how I have felt ever since Saturday. That something is VERY wrong and I cannot shake this terrible feeling.

She is my very best friend in the whole world and understands (as best she can) about what I am going through and how difficult this is for me. I love her and only want the best for her but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. It is so much about me, not about her and even though I know how selfish that is, I can't help but feel it just the same. To make everything worse, we could have been due within days of each other.

So, here I sit...my sister about to give birth - literally any day. (Again, I her and I would have been a DAY apart if our 2nd IUI would have worked.) When I found out that she was pregnant waaaaay back in May, I prayed to God that at the very least I would be pregnant by the time she had this oops baby. Deep down, I never thought that wouldn't happen. Guess what? It did. And with the lack of pregnancy on my part, He went ahead and blessed my best friend with a pregnancy on my last chance before my sister's baby was born. Is this a joke? Is He up there laughing at me? Sometimes, I feel that way.

To give you a little background on my friend, she has tried a total of five months for three pregnancies (this will be her third child). I have tried a total of 45 months and still have not been able to conceive a second baby. Not that it is a contest - but you can see where I am coming from and why everything about this just sucks.

I need to call her, reassure her that I still love her and that I am happy for her (well, on some level) but I just haven't been able to pick up the phone yet. Of course, when she told me I gave her a hug and we both had tears in our eyes. Like I said, she knows. She gets (as best she can) how hard this is for me. It doesn't make it easier for either of us though.

As for DH and I? I think we are going to do another IUI next cycle and hope for the best. That's all we can do, right?