Yup, that makes me one cycle away from TWO YEARS of TTC #2. I cannot believe this is happening to us.
So, I got my period on the day of my sister's wedding in July and now I got my period on my sister's wedding reception on Saturday. Quite fitting, don't you think? Especially considering she is five months pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy while taking the pill? How's that for irony?
Speaking of my sister...we found out on Friday that she is having a girl. I bounce between excitement and the feeling of sheer hell. But please don't tell her that. As far as she is concerned, I am over the moon with both her pregnancy and the fact that she's having a girl. I spent all day Friday shopping with her and buying a ton of itty-bitty pink pieces of clothing. And I did it all with a smile on my face. Because I am happy for her, I truly am. But deep down? (Or maybe not so deep?) I am questioning the universe. Truly - why is this happening to me? Why?
I just keep asking why but hear nothing in response.
In other news, I was sooooo very close to calling and starting a new IUI cycle. I had my finger on the call button but I didn't do it. Two reasons: One, DH and I just started a fitness "challenge" and I figured it wouldn't hurt us to have a month of better eating, exercise and vitamins under our belt before we give IUI another shot. Two, I would have to drive back from up north from a girls weekend (with all my high school girlfriends) to do it. Not only would it be a pain in the ass and interrupt the weekend, I would also have to explain why I was leaving and I would not want to bring that into the weekend. And, we're supposed to be relaxing, drinking and having fun. Not very IUI friendly timing. Three (even though I said there were two reasons), what is one more month??
So, another natural (worthless) cycle. BUT, we will be doing IUI for sure next month. DH brought it up and when I told him I'd like to wait a month he was okay with it. We are actually both on the same page - for a change.
I'm thinking of signing up for a yoga class. It's called Relax and Renue with Yoga. Sounds like a good one for me, huh?
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
It's not over till the fat lady sings...
...but I'm sure she's about to start serenading me any minute! Yes, today is CD 29 and my damn period still isn't here. I hate to admit it but I did something yesterday that I haven't done in a long time. I took a stupid test. Of course, it was negative. Surprise, surprise.
The reason I took it is because I have felt very queasy off and (mostly) on all week. I've also been SUPER bloated, exhausted and truly? I look like shit. Like that first trimester, dreadful look. Pale, circles under my eyes. And I cannot stop yawning! All those things would give a normal person hope but for me - one thing was missing. My boobs don't hurt. Not even a little, tiny, itsy bit. When I found out I was pregnant with Keegan, I felt great (not sick at all) and my boobs hurt like the devil. So, complete opposite symptoms. Oh yeah, and then there is the negative pregnancy test. So, hope? Not so much.
I guess it all comes back to being depressed. Tired, feeling crappy, looking like shit. It does fit the bill. As for the bloating? PMS at its finest, I guess. I am a bit crampy too so it makes sense. My period is on the way but man, do I wish it wasn't. It would be so wonderful if all this IF bullshit would just go away! I could pretend it was a bad dream that never happened. Alas, a negative pregnancy test about sums it all up, doesn't it? And no BS about false negatives because we all know the reality of that little scenario. NOT LIKELY. Maybe if it was a week ago but at one day late? It is what it is - negative.
As for next cycle...cycle 23 for those counting...I'm just not sure. DH and I haven't talked about it and I just do not have the energy for that discussion. If it was up to me, we'd be full speed ahead with our third IUI. Hell, if it was truly just up to me we'd be full speed ahead with IVF. I am actually at that point mentally. But there's the little matter of DH freaking out about everything including IUI so I wouldn't have a shot in hell of selling him on IVF. Oh, and then there is the money thing. Zero insurance coverage and a shit load of money with no guarantee? No, I do not think we will be heading down that road at any time in the near future. Or ever.
But IUI #3? If DH brings it up, maybe. Otherwise, I think I'll just wait and see. Like I said, I am just too tired to battle that right now.
The reason I took it is because I have felt very queasy off and (mostly) on all week. I've also been SUPER bloated, exhausted and truly? I look like shit. Like that first trimester, dreadful look. Pale, circles under my eyes. And I cannot stop yawning! All those things would give a normal person hope but for me - one thing was missing. My boobs don't hurt. Not even a little, tiny, itsy bit. When I found out I was pregnant with Keegan, I felt great (not sick at all) and my boobs hurt like the devil. So, complete opposite symptoms. Oh yeah, and then there is the negative pregnancy test. So, hope? Not so much.
I guess it all comes back to being depressed. Tired, feeling crappy, looking like shit. It does fit the bill. As for the bloating? PMS at its finest, I guess. I am a bit crampy too so it makes sense. My period is on the way but man, do I wish it wasn't. It would be so wonderful if all this IF bullshit would just go away! I could pretend it was a bad dream that never happened. Alas, a negative pregnancy test about sums it all up, doesn't it? And no BS about false negatives because we all know the reality of that little scenario. NOT LIKELY. Maybe if it was a week ago but at one day late? It is what it is - negative.
As for next cycle...cycle 23 for those counting...I'm just not sure. DH and I haven't talked about it and I just do not have the energy for that discussion. If it was up to me, we'd be full speed ahead with our third IUI. Hell, if it was truly just up to me we'd be full speed ahead with IVF. I am actually at that point mentally. But there's the little matter of DH freaking out about everything including IUI so I wouldn't have a shot in hell of selling him on IVF. Oh, and then there is the money thing. Zero insurance coverage and a shit load of money with no guarantee? No, I do not think we will be heading down that road at any time in the near future. Or ever.
But IUI #3? If DH brings it up, maybe. Otherwise, I think I'll just wait and see. Like I said, I am just too tired to battle that right now.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Struggling
I'm not going to lie, I'm just not doing all that great. In my last post I talked of wanting to bring back some control. Well, I haven't really been following that plan. I just can't. I don't know what my problem is but it's like I am just exhausted or something. I feel too tired to tackle anything or to do anything.
It's like I don't even know what to say because I know that I have no reason to be depressed, and I also know that I cannot blame everything on infertility although I would like to. I mean, hello? I have a beautiful son. Granted, he is three and is a complete handful. Sometimes to the point where I wonder why I think I could possibly handle two kids?
But I do have him. And he really is the coolest kid I know. He says things like, "You are my bestest mom!" to me. What could be better than that?
Then again, he started preschool today which is unexpectedly hard for me. It's just the beginning of him truly becoming his own person and the end of him being a "baby". I know it is a little bit of an exaggeration but this is the start of him having a whole seperate life from me. I keep asking myself, did I treasure those belly kicks enough? Did I truly appreciate the miracle of his birth? Did I live in the moment these last three years?
Also, my sister is starting to show and is finding out the sex of her baby on Friday and while I am excited (it is a baby and my sister's at that), I think it is bothering me quite a bit more than I even realize. I am jealous. I want to experience it just one more time. I want to feel life growing inside of me and have the anticipation of birth again. I want Keegan to have a sibling. And, it really pisses me off that we could be pregnant together and have kids close in age. That would be so neat. I am seven years older than her and never thought that it would even be a possibility that we could have that opportunity and guess what? We still don't. It's not fair.
So yes, it is still pity party central over here and I know that I need to snap out of it. I just can't seem to, though, no matter how hard I try. I just keeping thinking the same thing over and over: I am tired.
It's like I don't even know what to say because I know that I have no reason to be depressed, and I also know that I cannot blame everything on infertility although I would like to. I mean, hello? I have a beautiful son. Granted, he is three and is a complete handful. Sometimes to the point where I wonder why I think I could possibly handle two kids?
But I do have him. And he really is the coolest kid I know. He says things like, "You are my bestest mom!" to me. What could be better than that?
Then again, he started preschool today which is unexpectedly hard for me. It's just the beginning of him truly becoming his own person and the end of him being a "baby". I know it is a little bit of an exaggeration but this is the start of him having a whole seperate life from me. I keep asking myself, did I treasure those belly kicks enough? Did I truly appreciate the miracle of his birth? Did I live in the moment these last three years?
Also, my sister is starting to show and is finding out the sex of her baby on Friday and while I am excited (it is a baby and my sister's at that), I think it is bothering me quite a bit more than I even realize. I am jealous. I want to experience it just one more time. I want to feel life growing inside of me and have the anticipation of birth again. I want Keegan to have a sibling. And, it really pisses me off that we could be pregnant together and have kids close in age. That would be so neat. I am seven years older than her and never thought that it would even be a possibility that we could have that opportunity and guess what? We still don't. It's not fair.
So yes, it is still pity party central over here and I know that I need to snap out of it. I just can't seem to, though, no matter how hard I try. I just keeping thinking the same thing over and over: I am tired.
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