Control

It sure is hard to ignore TTC when I can feel ovulation. I am such a weirdo but I've always been this way (although at one time I had no idea what it was. Sigh.) So here I sit, CD14 and ovulating. Damn, I wish I didn't care. But I do. And of course, we just happened to have sex last night (DH pursued me or wouldn't have happened) so now I caught myself analysing timing and I do NOT want to do that right now. But it's hard not to, you know? It's what I've done for the last 22 months, actually longer, and when I can so obviously feel myself ovulating it is impossible to ignore. No fair!

In other news, I am officially watching what I eat. I hesitate saying diet because I don't really believe in them. I am just paying attention to how many calories I am eating and also not eating any more "crap" because I was getting really good at that. When I am feeling sorry for myself, I eat. I'd love to get back into running (I talk about this way too often without doing anything about it) but I have a little trouble finding the time. I think I'll make this a priority after this week. I'm wrapping up a huge project at work and my time will be more my own after the 30th.

Also, once this work situation slows down I am going to take a day (or two) off of work and clean and organize my house from top to bottom. I'm talking closets, getting rid of stuff, washing windows and the like. Our house could use a big overhaul, it hasn't been done in quite some time. There are also a few projects that I've been putting off, like hanging pictures, getting a new mirror for Keegan's bathroom, moving some of his toys around and packing a lot of old ones away.

I need to bring more control back to my life. That is my new focus.

Remember that "new" week that I spoke of?

It really did not turn out to be a great week after all, despite my attempts at keeping a positive attitude. I tried, I really did but it appears I have some bad karma following me around. Or something.

Just a couple of highlights...having a box falling on my head and knocking me out cold. Holy shit, did this hurt.

Also, hitting a deer - or should I say a deer hit me because that is closer to the truth. With my three year old in the car, after working for 12 hours. Luckily, we were not hurt but my vehicle did not do so well. It is undrivable but not totaled - which sucks because I'd rather just have it be totaled if it had to get smashed up. I should also mention that I have a $500 deductible. Can you say, awesome??

Needless to say, it was not a good weekend. My son was being a typical three year old and making me want to pull my hair out, DH was in a terrible mood, work was all-consuming and stressing me out,the head incident, the car incident, etc. On top of IF stress, a messy house, no groceries, laundry piled up to the ceiling and the lack of motivation to do anything but try and breath in and out.

So, when my dog ran off on Saturday morning and I couldn't find him...I sort of freaked out. I went into my room, sat on my bed and basically started crying and said, out loud, "fuck you" to everything I could possible think of. One sentence after another for about five minutes straight. I may have included infertility about three or four times. Or seven. I can't remember. I asked for help to get me through that day, because God help me, I was NOT in the mood to handle anything at that point.

When my tantrum was over, I did not feel any better but I wiped my eyes and went out to go see Keegan. He was down at his grandma's house (which is just down the driveway from us). When I walked in the door she asked if she could take Keegan with her for the day, she was going to visit family in a nearby town. It was about 9:30am and she said she'd have him back by 6pm. I almost started crying again. As much as I love my son, I was in no shape to be a good mom to him that day. So, I agreed. It was like a favor sent straight from God, I swear. An entire day to be by myself, get some stuff done and re-group.

I packed Keegan up, gave him a hug and off he went. I went right to the phone and called my mom to see if she wanted to go have coffee. Her and I met, got some coffee and then drove down to the river to sip it and talk. It was so relaxing and just what I needed. Peace and quiet. And coffee. Then, my mom did something so wonderful. She handed me a check for $500 and said that it was for our RE, to pay off the rest of our last IUI or help us with a new cycle. I couldn't believe it. If you've been reading, you know that her and I do not talk about IF much so for her to do this really just means that she has been listening to my (not so) subtle comments about IF and all the stress that goes along with it. She also told me that I was a wonderful mother, that I deserved to have 20 kids if I wanted them and how unfair the whole situation is. I really, really needed that from her.

I finished up the day grocery shopping (by myself!), cleaning the house, doing laundry, napping and enjoying my solitude. It helped me get on track, mentally, before Keegan and DH came home. I needed that time more than you know.

I can tell that I'm depressed. I don't get truly depressed often and I recognize it immediately because I just want to be alone. Completely alone. I daydream about calling in sick and just staying home in the quiet or going somewhere alone for a couple of days. I don't feel like talking to DH or playing with Keegan. I can't even concentrate on reading a book, which is one of my most favorite past times. I only want to be alone, and quiet.

I will be fine - and snap out of it. I just need some time.

To top it all off, I am on CD 13 today and I don't even care. DH made a comment two nights ago about it being "that time" again. I was surprised that he was that aware and when I questioned him he told me that he has been counting my CDs for awhile now so that he would know the best timing. I was surprised by this, I guess. Right now it really doesn't matter, I have no drive this cycle. I'm tired and do not feel like trying. DH wanted to do it last night but I turned him down. I guess I just need a break. Plus, our chances are so low that I really don't feel like gearing up mentally only to be let down again.

Sorry that this is such a downer of a post, I guess I just need to get it all out. I am in a rough spot right now but I will be fine - sometimes, it all builds up and it just takes me a little while to shake it all off again.

A new week

I must say thank you for being such a supportive group of friends. It is so nice to know that I am not alone because I truly spend much of my time feeling that way IRL. I appreciate you all so very much.

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It is a new week, my friends. I am trying to put last week behind me and do my best to rise above my anger, and my sadness.

We went up north to our cabin last weekend with my best friend, her husband and their two girls (ages 2 and 4). It was exactly what we needed. We relaxed with friends, played with our kids, drank our fill of margaritas once the kids were in bed, and DH and I did not talk once of infertility. All was calm.

I did, of course, tell my best friend (Maggie) about the fight DH and I had and she as always, listened and was so supportive. I tell you - for someone who doesn't have a clue, first-hand, about infertility, she does such a great job of being my friend. I am so blessed to have her in my life and I truly mean that.

Anyway, she let me know that my DH had talked to her husband about our "situation" when they went into to town Saturday morning. I was so surprised because they are good friends but not super close by any means. They have only become good friends due to Maggie and I. So for him to completely open up to him and talk to him about everything we have done and are going through is sort of amazing to me. It actually confirms that he has some serious guilt issues and it is putting everything on his shoulders, which makes me a bit mad. I wish he would just talk and open up about it to me, without getting angry and arguing.

Maggie's husband basically just told him (in a guy sort of way) that it sucks but that he should just suck it up and do what needs to be done. That it'll be worth it in the end. God, I could kiss that man!

Another reason I think DH opened up was being around their daughter who just turned two on Friday. She is such a sweetheart and it is so fun to see how "little" she is still when in reality, she is only a little over a year younger than Keegan. It is amazing how quickly they turn from a baby into a preschooler, you don't even realize it! It was great to be around this sweet little girl but more bittersweet, just reminding us how much we'd love another little one in our lives. It was also so neat to see the two sisters interacting with each other, they have such a bond and I want that for Keegan so much.

DH didn't tell me about the talk he had with Maggie's husband and we still have not brought up the dreadful subject again. I don't know when that conversation will happen or what it will consist of. I guess I will just wait and see because right now, I am too emotionally tired to deal with it.

So, here I am - back at work. Ugh. I am hoping this week proves to be better than last. One foot in front of the other, right??

Male Factor

Watch out...this is gonna be a long one.

DH and I got into a big argument last night about infertility and I need to vent. I realized (again) how we are world apart on our viewpoint about all of this. Especially, regarding treatment and acceptance. He does not deal with with any of this, never has. He doesn't like to talk about it or get upset about. He also gets very angry when I get upset about it. I can never truly talk to him about any of my feelings or fears and I am constantly walking on egg shells around him when it comes to anything infertility. It is frustrating and lonely.

There is nothing good about infertility. Period. But let me tell you a little something about Male Factor infertility. From my perspective - it is a while different ball game. And I suppose that comment would depend on the husband. My husband does not deal with our "situation" well. And that is an understatement.

I HATE everything about MF. Infertility is out of my control, in general, but when you add MF to it - Ha! I cannot do anything to help us out in any way. My body is working correctly - it really doesn't matter if I drink caffeine or not, drink socially or not, take vitamins or not. I ovulate, regularly and have regular cycles. Every single month regardless of the variables. (Obvioiusly, I know that taking care of my body will only help us. But that is beside my point.) I'm so regular that I've been called textbook multiple times. I also respond "perfectly" to fertility drugs. With 50mg of Clomid, I ovulated two, probably three, great sized follicles. This is "ideal" according to my RE. And this may be too much info but I also have great CM. I've been told that before too. (Jeez, only in the infertile world would you hear that comment, huh?) Bottom line: I can get pregnant. Hell, I have gotten pregnant. THE PROBLEM DOES NOT LIE WITH MY BODY - THEREFORE, IT IS EVEN FURTHER OUT OF MY CONTROL.

Despite the angry tone of this post - I have never looked at it as DH's fault. It just is what it is. It is the way he was made and it is not his fault. I also have never viewed it as his problem. I do not think he is defective or at fault in any way. It is our problem, our challenge. We are supposed to be a team. But we aren't and last night made that even more clear to me.

DH thinks that because we did two IUIs and they didn't work that it isn't even worth trying anymore. He said that it doesn't seem to improving our chances at all so why bother? I tried explaining the odds, the statistics, etc. It doesn't matter. He was in a mood and basically, just freaked out. He said he'd try another IUI or whatever but if we are not pregnant in the next year (and I use that term loosely because I doubt he'd make it that long), then we are done trying. DONE. And that at that time, I need to accept that it is not meant to be and that is that.
There was no discussion, this was just him telling me that that is the way it is going to be. Period.

He also got on my case again about me getting upset and acting depressed when I get my period. He HATES that my mood changes when I get my period and he says that it is wrecking our relationship. I told him that I had every right to get upset, angry or whatever I feel like at the time. I should not have to shut off my feelings just because he doesn't like it. It's not fair. And just for the record...I think I do pretty well at holding back most of what I am feeling for his sake. Other than the usual PMS type things, I do not get all that crabby or whatever. But it is stupid that I cannot say to him, "God, I am so sad today." I just can't - so I don't. But he still acts as though I am some emotional basketcase every month when in reality, that is just not true.

Really, I think it is his feelings showing through. He did say that he thinks about IF every, single day and it makes him crazy. Yet, he NEVER talks to me about it. Ever. Nor does he want to - believe me, I asked. He wants to pretend like it is not there. So instead, it becomes a big white elephant sitting in the room and it's awful. And then he puts the blame on me. NOT FAIR.

Also, he kept saying over and over that it was his fault, his issue, his problem. I kept reassuring him that I did not look at it that way. I really don't. But obviously, that is what he thinks and therefore, it makes everything that much worse for him.

This is just the most awful situation. I do not know a way out.

I do not want to give up. I know in my heart that giving up is not the right decision for me. But what does that mean? Does the want of a baby outweigh my love for my husband? No. But does that mean I can give up the dream of another baby without being bitter? No.

DH says that we have a beautiful son that we created naturally and that we just need to focus on that. It is not that black and white. I love my son more than anything in the world. He is everything to me and I thank God for him every single night. My love for him does not take away from this want of another baby and if anything, just adds to it.

I'm so tired.

I called my RE's nurse line. My favorite one, Amy, called me back. I asked her all about last cycle and she gave me all the stats. Everything on my end was "perfect". With 50mg of Clomid, I had two follicles over 22mm and a third one that was 14mm and growing but very well could have been carrying a mature egg too by the time of the IUI. She said that my E2 levels were excellent and that my cervix was open and I had great, fertile CM. There is absolutely nothing that I can/should do different. I responded ideally. Again, out of my control.

All we can do is try again and hope that the next one takes.

As I said, DH is willing to do another IUI and we probably will do one next cycle. BUT. How fun does it sound to broach the subject with him again? We should be going into the next treatment as a team and instead it just feels wrong.

Everything just feels wrong.

CD1 of Cycle 22

How depressing. I am so angry, upset and hopeless today. Part of it is the sinking feeling of knowing that this may not work out for us - there may not be a positive ending this time around. Part if it is that I have a terrible headache and HORRIBLE cramps. Bottom line - I am a very unhappy camper.

I was on the fence about whether we should do another IUI this cycle or wait until next. Well, I called to schedule my baseline US and as I was trying to schedule it (for tomorrow since they don't do them on weekends. Jeez, whatever), I was told that I had to talk to the finance dept. Okay... So, I start talking to Patty and she tells me that in order to start another cycle that we need to pre-pay $1,000. First of all, I have never pre-paid there before and this will be our third IUI. Second, my cycle does not even cost $1,000. Especially, since I am not doing any bloodwork this time around - we should be coming in around $700-$800. When I tell her this, she says sorry and that it doesn't matter how much less than $1,000 it'll cost us, it is policy that they need to have the full $1,000 paid before they will start treatment.

What the hell??

Is this normal for anyone else's RE?? I was so caught off guard that I really didn't know what to say. I just don't think that it is fair to pay that much money upfront when we won't even use that much if we do the full IUI and also when I don't even know how the cycle will turn out. I mean, what if we have to cancel half way through, etc. Her reply was that then they would just refund us the money. Well, that's fine and good but it still doesn't make sense to me.

So, I reluctantly agreed that I would figure out how we were going to pay by the end of day today (cash or credit) and then she went on to schedule me to tomorrow. At that point, I found out that they only had one appointment open and it was horrible timing for me work-wise. Keep in mind that my clinic is an hour away (without traffic). So, I said fuck it. We're not doing an IUI this cycle. It was too much for my brain to take today and it just had bad karma (or something) written all over it.

We have another worthless, natural cycle ahead of us and will attempt the IUI in September. WHATEVER.

So tell me, for those of you who aren't covered by insurance - is pre-paying normal??

Wishing on a star

Last night after both husband and son had fallen asleep, I was still wide awake watching mindless television. I decided to get up and check on Keegan one last time before bed and as I made my way towards his room I stepped outside onto the deck so I could breath in some fresh night air (the humidity finally broke!). It was so peaceful and dark out and there was no moon so I could see what seemed like a billion stars.

I just sat there, breathing in the quiet night. After awhile I started a conversation in my head, partly with myself, partly with God. I was begging him for one more miracle, one more chance to feel life growing inside of me and the chance for Keegan to have a sibling and best friend for life. I want this so badly and keep trying to imagine never feeling the miracle of pregnancy or birth again and I just get so SAD at that possibility.

I ended the conversation by saying: Please hear my prayer!! Please show me a sign that you hear me and that it is going to be okay! I looked up and almost immediately saw a shooting star. Right in front of my eyes. You know how sometimes you see them out of the corner of your eye or you look up and see the tail-end of one that you half missed? This one was right there, start to finish, smack dab in front of me. I'm taking that as a sign. Someone was listening and it really is going to be okay.

I have to believe that.