Happy New Year

I just was sitting here reading another blog when I was overcome with wanting another baby so badly that I literally felt like I was going to throw up. Hi! Happy New Year!

I've really, really missed blogging but have been very hesitant to blog here because of the stupid name of this blog. Despite my first sentence in this post, I've been doing very well and have worked hard to distance myself from infertility. Sure, of course, we are infertile and that doesn't just go away. (Well, unless we were to get pregnant....but you know what I mean). It's just funny, I can go days and sometimes even weeks without that crushing of the spirit feeling but then - all of a sudden, out of nowhere - WHAM! There it is again. Ugh.

Anyway, I really do miss blogging and would love to start a blog about life. Not infertility and cycles, just every day life. I've even gone to the extent of a setting up a new blog with a new name but for some reason, I am having trouble posting there. Weird. I guess that may be one of my many New Year's resolutions. Start posting in new blog...

Here's to 2012, let's hope it is a year of health and happiness.

Healing

I've been thinking about posting for quite some time - months, really. I just haven't been sure where to start. When I last posted, we had been through the wringer. I was so emotionally and physically stressed and exhausted that I was just plain lost. After that last IUI, I decided that enough was enough. I really felt that in my heart of hearts we tried our hardest. Could it have happened for us if only we would have tried one more time? Possibly. But I could no longer live my life that way - in cycles.

I'm not an overly religious person and I do not go to church on a regular basis but I always felt that I had a strong personal faith in God. After that last IUI, my faith was pretty non-existent. To top it off and to diminish what little faith I had left, on the day that I got my period I also found out my sister was pregnant. Two weeks later while I was still trying to swallow that news, I found out she was pregnant with twins (unexpectedly, non-fertility drugs, naturally conceived twins!). At the time I looked at it as a cruel joke from God. I mean, here I am - trying for over four years to have baby #2 and instead of giving me a baby, he laughs at me, gives me the finger and gives her two babies right away. Why?

I still don't have an answer for that. But, I've come a long way from where I was last fall. I don't know if acceptance is the right word but what I somehow learned to do (or maybe had to do) was to turn it over. I decided that maybe I would never learn why but I just could not carry all that weight on my shoulders anymore. Each time I thought about the why or the unfairness of it all, I turned it over to "someone" else. God, or whoever. Someone else can carry that weight and I can move on with my day. I don't know if I am explaining it correctly but that is what I did. It started minute by minute, moved on to hour by hour and eventually day by day, where it remains.

I have made some sort of peace with the fact that we will remain a family of three and I will never have another baby. I don't want to downplay it by saying it is okay because I don't think the pain associated with infertility is ever okay but what I will say is that I am so very blessed to have my son. I am so grateful for his existence in my life and when I look at his face, I couldn't ask for more. He is healthy and perfect.

I still see pregnant women and think to myself, "you are SO lucky". I still see newborn babies and feel sad. I still pass the exit to my RE and think of the possibilities that lie down that road. But it is getting better. And most days, I am very content with where I am at. I truly am.

I have a stronger relationship with my husband now than ever before. We had a very long journey down the road of infertility and we had some VERY rough times with IF. But now? We are great. I think we are both in the same place, walking hand in hand and I really feel that we have become a strong team. I'm proud of us and all that we've gone through. It didn't end the way either of us had hoped but it did end and for that I am thankful. I am happy to be beyond that sharp, raw pain - happy to not be cycling any longer. Happy to have control back in my life and in my marriage.

So, here I am. Healing, from a long battle with infertility. I would like to get back into blogging, I have missed it. But I'm just not sure where I fit in anymore or what words I have to share. Maybe I won't post again for another year...or maybe I'll just slowly start typing again and see where it leads me?

A new week

Last week was HORRIBLE. I was doing way too much internalizing and after some not so nice comments from DH Friday morning - I just exploded. I started crying and felt like I would never stop and it would never be okay again. DH had been crabby and short with me all week and it was really wearing on me. I was so wrapped up in my own hurt that I just did not have the energy to deal with his too.

All week, I had been feeling so sad and mostly angry. I was digging really, really deep to just go about my day and somehow function somewhat normally at work. On top of it, I was coming off of all the fertility meds from the last six weeks and I'm sure that added to my emotional state. I also had the worst period I've ever had (to be expected, I'm sure) but man, I had terrible cramps that would keep me up at night, headaches and I was bleeding like crazy. Although, by Thursday my period seemed to have stopped.

On Friday morning as I was getting ready for work I felt a huge gush. I looked down and I had blood all over my robe. It just added to my anger because WTH? I am not used to this shit and I was sick of it all. I cleaned myself up, dropped my robe in the laundry and continued to get ready. Enter DH. He started making some crappy comments to me that I won't even get into but I was doing my best a blowing him off a bit and told him repeatedly that we could talk about it that evening after work as I was leaving in about 10 minutes and now just was not the time. That's when he said something along the lines of, "This week has just not been very enjoyable." While that comment is not horrible - it was said at the worst possible time and with a mean tone. That, my friends, is when I lost my shit. I mean seriously? Not ENJOYABLE? How about completely, absolutely, horseshit? How about want to curl up in a ball under the covers and never come out? How about just concentrating on breathing in and out so you don't start crying and never stop? Not enjoyable my ass.

So, as I was spouting off about all this, he somehow noticed all the blood on my robe and immediately was like, "Why are you bleeding so much?? What's going on??" to which I promptly replied, "My body is fucked up just like everything else in my life!!" Yep, it was not one of my better moments. At that point all my anger drained out and I just felt sad, defeated and alone. I also realized that I had been feeling very alone all week and that wasn't right. DH and I should be leaning on each other - not turning on each other. He must have realized it too because his demeanor changed at that point too and he started hugging me and telling me he loved me.

Needless to say, it was not an ideal state to go to work in. Ugh, I was a mess.

Friday night, we talked more and it helped a lot. I think we were both just very angry and in his case, he was directing at me just because it was easy to do. In my case, I kept everything inside and let it fester until I freaked out. It is so hard to have all this anger inside of you and no one to direct it at! But the truth is, there really is no one to blame and no one to point the finger at. It's nobody's fault that our IVF didn't work and we can't conceive another baby. It is what it is and that is hard to accept.

This week is going much better and DH and I are once again working together and leaning on each other more. I am still very sad and still angry but I am in a better place than I was last week.

A post about anger

I am just so angry right now. This week has gotten progressively worse and I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I am just so angry! I can talk through everything in my head, telling myself to count my blessings, remind myself how hard pregnancy is (I had hyperemesis for much of it), remind myself how much work it is and how little sleep you get when you have a new baby. I can weigh out all the negatives involved with having another baby but the truth of the matter is, no matter how many negatives there are, there is one HUGE positive that outweighs them all - a baby! Life that you and the one you love have created together.

And really, I can get past many of my own selfish needs but I cannot get past Keegan and not being able to give him a sibling. It SUCKS. I hate thinking of him being an only child, it makes me sad and again, ANGRY.

I've been thinking about God a lot and really all it is doing is fueling my anger. DH and I are good people, we love each other, we are good parents, we have a nice house, good jobs...and most of all, we really want this with all our hearts. Why doesn't God bless us with another baby? Why doesn't He listen to our prayers? I have two sisters who had unexpected pregnancies - neither were married at the time (although one is now) and neither was especially happy with the news of their unexpected pregnancy. WTH?? In the time that we've been TTC, I now have an unexpected niece and nephew - but not another baby of my own? How is that fair? I do not understand.

Yes, I know the saying, "Life isn't fair". I get that, now more than ever but I don't understand it. What good is praying? What good can come of this? Right now, I can see myself moving on (because what other choice do I have??) but I can't imagine getting over infertility. It feels that it will forever be a chip on my shoulder. It will forever be a hole in my heart. And I will always feel that someone is missing from our life.

I have four younger sisters and I have to brace myself for all the babies that they will inevitably have. They are all just beginning to get married and are heading in the direction of building their own families. I will have to deal with all the emotions that the next 5-10 years bring and that scares me. How will I not be green with envy or just plain angry every time one of them announces a pregnancy?

I guess I am just having a bit of trouble with accepting that this is the hand we were dealt. This is our reality.

Why are their so many unplanned and unwanted pregnancies in the world and then couples like us?

A.IVF (After In Vitro Fertilization)

Here I am - almost a week out from the news of our negative IVF. I am all over the board with thoughts and emotions, feeling something one minute and not at all the next. There are times when I feel acceptance and time when I feel despair. There are times when I am completely calm and times when I am raging with anger.

I used to be one of those people who believed everything happens for a reason, that there is a bigger plan. Now? I'm not so sure. I'm not an overly religious person but I've always believed in God. Now? I'm really struggling with my faith. I just don't understand why? WHY? And not just why about the negative IVF but why infertility? Not only why us but why does anyone have to go through this struggle? What is the point? What is the bigger picture?

Dh and I decided when we started this IVF process that this would be it. Our last shot and then it was over, we'd throw in the towel and move on from IF once and for all. As tired as I am and as much as I am beaten down by IF, I sort of panicked about the thought that it was over. I mean, how can this be our ending? I don't want to go out this way! I went home that night and told DH the shitty news and I expected him to be angry and say "We're done!" or something along those lines. He actually surprised me by hugging me and having a very rational and honest discussion with me about where we go from here. Truly, it was just what I needed. Not so much because I want to move forward with more treatment, but more so to hear that I could if that is what I needed to do and that is basically what DH told me. He said that he wants a baby more than anything too and if I needed to try another option, that he'd back me. He also said that he is not willing to go through this much longer and that we need to move forward somehow, someway in the very near future. I agree with him completely, it just felt nice to not be backed into a corner.

I think we are just both so hurt by it all. I don't want to give up on our dream but I really don't see any other option. We will not be doing another IVF, that is certain. One, the money! God! Two, 58% chance of success. Our doctor said that everything went "perfectly" this time around and that he could just as easily be calling us with news that we were having twins as he could that it was negative. We had two "great embryos" that just didn't stick. Would it work if we did it again? Who knows, same odds. We were in the 42% end this time and 42% is still very substantial and crappy odds. I also don't know if I could put my body through all that again. I don't know how people manage it six, seven or eight times. Not to mention going through the disappointment again if it doesn't work. It is just such a gamble.

If IVF was free - or covered by insurance? Well, then I would have a lot more soul searching to do. As it stands, neither of us are willing to gamble another $13,000.

Our options? IUI w/injectables or quit. I am probably 30/70, leaning towards quiting. I mean, the odds are so against us. How much heartbreak can a person take? It has been 42 months of this shit. Every additional step we take, we hope for success only to be kicked down again again.
On the other hand, I have a ton of meds left over and I figure what better way to get rid of them? It would be so easy to do an IUI cycle after doing an IVF cycle. It would only cost around $1,000 or so. (Ha! Remember when that seemed like a lot of money?) I don't know...the thought of stepping foot back in that IF clinic makes me want to scream. I hate, hate, hate it.

I am so fucking tired of being infertile, of it all.

It's official

It's negative.

I tested

Yesterday, two days before my beta test...and it was negative. Obviously, it didn't work and we'll remain a family of three. My spirit is crushed.