One step at a time

First of all, thank you so much for your support and caring words. I really needed to hear from you and know that I wasn't alone or crazy for feeling so messed up about all of this. I am having a really tough time "going there" again.

But.

I took a deep breath this morning and called my RE's office. I talked to a nurse about next steps for IVF and apparently she put out an "order" on me, which basically gets the ball rolling on their end. They'll send me all the IVF procedural and financial information via mail and I'll be on their call list for IVF scheduling. When they call, I can give them a yes or a no as to whether I would like to be scheduled. I was a bit surprised when she told me that I did not even need to see the doctor to move forward with IVF. It reminded me again of why I HATE fertility clinics. Because seriously? How backwards is that? It makes me feel like all they want is my money and they don't care if I am getting the proper treatment or not. Despite what she said, I scheduled an IVF conference with my RE and it is set for November 25. I put it off for awhile so I could give it more thought overall as well as start researching financing, shared risk, etc. I figure we can talk to Dr. K on the 25th and then decide, one way or another. Like you all said, I can say no at any point.

I also emailed another fertility clinic and asked them to send me IVF information as well. I googled the four clinics in the area last night and read every scrap of information on them and it seems as though they all have their good and bad but this one stuck out for some reason so I thought, why not? A lady from the clinic responded to my email within minutes telling me that they were having a free IVF seminar tonight and I was welcome to attend. I actually would love to go but the tonight part freaked me out. Plus, I'd obviously want DH to attend and he is out of town until Sunday. Unfortunately, the next seminar is November 12 and I will out out of town so I will have to wait until December 10 to attend. Maybe it is for the better, I've already got it in my head that IF - and that is a big IF - we decide to go down this path, it'll be after the first of the year anyway.

By the way, if anyone out there is from Minnesota and has any info or personal experience about IVF here (or I guess just in general), please let me know. I just want to make sure that we are making a very informed decision.

I've been pretty crabby all day and I know it is because of all this crap. It is like picking a scab.

Never say never.

DH and I went out for a date on Saturday night and somehow stumbled into an infertility discussion. He actually brought it up and at first I was tempted to push it all aside but it turned out to be a really productive and interesting conversation. I cannot believe how far my DH has come on this crazy journey. I remember the days of anger and tears when it came to these discussion between us, we always seemed worlds apart. And now? Well, we've both been through the ringer and I guess that matured us in many ways. I've never doubted that DH wanted another baby but I always thought that deep down, he really didn't want one that bad. You know?

So, when I heard IVF come out of his mouth on Saturday night I just about fell off my chair. I was surprised...but also? I was not jumping for joy over the fact that we were having the discussion. I always thought that if DH suggested IVF (because I always thought the ball was in his court as far as IVF) that I would be so excited and ready to take that route. It turns out, I have SO many mixed feeling about it. Which I probably knew deep down and it is probably why I've never pushed IVF.

We haven't decided to do IVF or anything - we've more just peaking in the window of that possibility. I'm supposed to make an appointment with our RE to discuss options, costs, protocol, etc. The thing is - we decided this on Saturday and here it is Wednesday and I have yet to make the call.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of hoping, I've truly moved so far away from actively TTC in the last couple of months and I have been working so hard to make peace with our situation. IVF wasn't remotely on my radar and now all my thoughts are bumping around and getting tangled up together in my head. Money, timing, multiples, shots, financing, ultrasounds, shared risk (anyone?), ICSI (anyone?).

Oh God. I can't believe this is our reality. I cannot believe that we cannot make a baby like "normal" couples do. It is just so unfair.

I'll eventually make that appointment because if nothing else, it may be good closure. But what if it isn't? What if I walk away wanting to give it one more BIG try? What then?