Male Factor

Watch out...this is gonna be a long one.

DH and I got into a big argument last night about infertility and I need to vent. I realized (again) how we are world apart on our viewpoint about all of this. Especially, regarding treatment and acceptance. He does not deal with with any of this, never has. He doesn't like to talk about it or get upset about. He also gets very angry when I get upset about it. I can never truly talk to him about any of my feelings or fears and I am constantly walking on egg shells around him when it comes to anything infertility. It is frustrating and lonely.

There is nothing good about infertility. Period. But let me tell you a little something about Male Factor infertility. From my perspective - it is a while different ball game. And I suppose that comment would depend on the husband. My husband does not deal with our "situation" well. And that is an understatement.

I HATE everything about MF. Infertility is out of my control, in general, but when you add MF to it - Ha! I cannot do anything to help us out in any way. My body is working correctly - it really doesn't matter if I drink caffeine or not, drink socially or not, take vitamins or not. I ovulate, regularly and have regular cycles. Every single month regardless of the variables. (Obvioiusly, I know that taking care of my body will only help us. But that is beside my point.) I'm so regular that I've been called textbook multiple times. I also respond "perfectly" to fertility drugs. With 50mg of Clomid, I ovulated two, probably three, great sized follicles. This is "ideal" according to my RE. And this may be too much info but I also have great CM. I've been told that before too. (Jeez, only in the infertile world would you hear that comment, huh?) Bottom line: I can get pregnant. Hell, I have gotten pregnant. THE PROBLEM DOES NOT LIE WITH MY BODY - THEREFORE, IT IS EVEN FURTHER OUT OF MY CONTROL.

Despite the angry tone of this post - I have never looked at it as DH's fault. It just is what it is. It is the way he was made and it is not his fault. I also have never viewed it as his problem. I do not think he is defective or at fault in any way. It is our problem, our challenge. We are supposed to be a team. But we aren't and last night made that even more clear to me.

DH thinks that because we did two IUIs and they didn't work that it isn't even worth trying anymore. He said that it doesn't seem to improving our chances at all so why bother? I tried explaining the odds, the statistics, etc. It doesn't matter. He was in a mood and basically, just freaked out. He said he'd try another IUI or whatever but if we are not pregnant in the next year (and I use that term loosely because I doubt he'd make it that long), then we are done trying. DONE. And that at that time, I need to accept that it is not meant to be and that is that.
There was no discussion, this was just him telling me that that is the way it is going to be. Period.

He also got on my case again about me getting upset and acting depressed when I get my period. He HATES that my mood changes when I get my period and he says that it is wrecking our relationship. I told him that I had every right to get upset, angry or whatever I feel like at the time. I should not have to shut off my feelings just because he doesn't like it. It's not fair. And just for the record...I think I do pretty well at holding back most of what I am feeling for his sake. Other than the usual PMS type things, I do not get all that crabby or whatever. But it is stupid that I cannot say to him, "God, I am so sad today." I just can't - so I don't. But he still acts as though I am some emotional basketcase every month when in reality, that is just not true.

Really, I think it is his feelings showing through. He did say that he thinks about IF every, single day and it makes him crazy. Yet, he NEVER talks to me about it. Ever. Nor does he want to - believe me, I asked. He wants to pretend like it is not there. So instead, it becomes a big white elephant sitting in the room and it's awful. And then he puts the blame on me. NOT FAIR.

Also, he kept saying over and over that it was his fault, his issue, his problem. I kept reassuring him that I did not look at it that way. I really don't. But obviously, that is what he thinks and therefore, it makes everything that much worse for him.

This is just the most awful situation. I do not know a way out.

I do not want to give up. I know in my heart that giving up is not the right decision for me. But what does that mean? Does the want of a baby outweigh my love for my husband? No. But does that mean I can give up the dream of another baby without being bitter? No.

DH says that we have a beautiful son that we created naturally and that we just need to focus on that. It is not that black and white. I love my son more than anything in the world. He is everything to me and I thank God for him every single night. My love for him does not take away from this want of another baby and if anything, just adds to it.

I'm so tired.

I called my RE's nurse line. My favorite one, Amy, called me back. I asked her all about last cycle and she gave me all the stats. Everything on my end was "perfect". With 50mg of Clomid, I had two follicles over 22mm and a third one that was 14mm and growing but very well could have been carrying a mature egg too by the time of the IUI. She said that my E2 levels were excellent and that my cervix was open and I had great, fertile CM. There is absolutely nothing that I can/should do different. I responded ideally. Again, out of my control.

All we can do is try again and hope that the next one takes.

As I said, DH is willing to do another IUI and we probably will do one next cycle. BUT. How fun does it sound to broach the subject with him again? We should be going into the next treatment as a team and instead it just feels wrong.

Everything just feels wrong.