Hmmm...What can I relate this question to for those fertiles out there? I'll have to give it some thought. They just don't get it and why should they? This is the question that my mom asked me yesterday. She meant no harm, she said it cheerfully and with a smile on her face. Yet, I wanted to hit her. DON'T ASK ME THAT!! For so many reasons! One, it hurts. Two, I'm trying not to think about it. Three, it jinxes the situation. Four, even if I was pregnant, I wouldn't feel it yet. It probably wouldn't have even implanted yet. Five, it doesn't feel supportive or compassionate. It just doesn't. Six, don't ask me that. Just don't.
Just another casualty of IF is the distance that it has put between my mother and I. Don't get me wrong, we are very close still and she is a great mom. BUT I cannot talk to her about any of this. I just can't because she rarely says or does the right thing. Again, it is not her fault. She was extremely fertile. She has six kids and got pregnant on almost the first try each time. She just cannot comprehend what I am going through. And in my opinion, does not try very hard to either. And my sister? (For the record, I have four but I am referring to the pregnant one.) She is not any better. Maybe worse, actually.
On Sunday afternoon, I went over to my mom's to chat with her and my pregnant sister. I left Keegan at home so I could have a bit more quality time with them and just hang out. They decided to spend their time huddled together on the couch, shopping online for "cute" baby clothes and other baby items. I kid you not. My mom was fully aware of how my weekend had gone, back to back appointments at a fertility clinic and added IF costs that were stressing me out. Not to mention an IUI scheduled the next morning. But yet, her and my sister had their heads together ooooing and awwwing over this crap. Then they both started talking about the nursery furniture that had just been delivered and that my mom had bought for her. Nice.
Needless to say, I did not stay long. I just could not deal with it. I think I try pretty hard to be happy for my sister and be sensitive to the fact that this is a happy time for her. I just wish they could do the same for me. Understand and be sensitive to the fact that this is a horrible time for me.
I don't know what the answer is. I just know it hurts right now. I wish I could make them understand how emotional this is for me, how real it is and how final it potentially could be. They have never been faced with the fact that they may never have a baby. That it is physically impossible for it to happen and there isn't a damn thing they can do about it. It is out of the realm of their understanding.
They also don't understand that whether we get pregnant or not, there will always be scars. I've been robbed of the "fun" that they were able to experience when TTC. I doubt that I will ever experience a surprise pregnancy or not know exactly what CD I am on. Like my sister, I will never realize that I am a week late getting my period and never have the thought that I may be pregnant cross my mind. If we do conceive, it will most likely happen in a doctors office and will involve medical instruments and will not happen during the act of making love. In fact, if a miracle occurred and we did conceive from this last IUI, DH was not even present at the time of insemination. That sucks and I will never forget that.
Do I feel pregnant? The answer to that question is no. I feel angry.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
The good, the bad and the unknown
All in no particular order. PS - this post was started on Friday but due to the drama, postponed.
I think I jinxed myself by saying, well, a lot of things. One, that I am regular. Two, that this cycle will only cost us about $800 and three, that I am calm. All those things have gone waaaaay down the tube.
I had my u/s on Friday, CD12 and things look okay. Not anywhere near great or good. This has never happened to me so I was caught a bit off guard. I had two almost mature follies, one at 15mm and one at 18mm, not ready to trigger yet. Also, I had a thin uterine lining at 5mm (is that the correct measurement?). They want it to be at least 8mm. NO GOOD. To top it off, they saw "fluid" in the uterus. This fluid could be water, blood or diet coke - they do not seem to know or care, as long as it reabsorbs. Oh - and my E2 levels were 465. Again, not good. My instructions when I left on Friday were to come back for another u/s and blood draw the next morning.
When I left there I was crushed. It wasn't horrible results, but I didn't get the green light either. One thing we've always been able to count on was my regular and near textbook cycles and responses to medication. This was just one more frustration to add to the list. Not to mention the added expense. Another u/s and blood draw would add another $400+ to the cost of this cycle.
So, Saturday morning I drove the hour to my clinic. Again. And the results were much better. My uterus looked great - no "fluid" and a lining of 9mm. My two follicles had grown to 22 and 24. Yay! The nurse gave me the green light to trigger that night. She also instructed DH and I to have intercourse that night coinciding with trigger. I've never been told this before, we've always been told to abstain. Hmmm...Whatever. It is worth a shot. She said that way we would be covered in case I ovulated on my own or earlier than the 36 hour trigger.
Monday, IUI day. I am feeling major ovulation pains and feeling good that we have the timing down pat. I triggered at 9pm on Saturday night and our IUI was at 1:45pm on Monday. Sunday I felt minor cramps and twinges but again, Monday brought major cramping. At one point I actually felt like I had my period due to the cramping (and bloating). So, timing. Good.
DH's sample. Not good. Our last two IUIs DH was at a count of 23 million and 18 million respectively. This time? 8 million. What the hell?? One, it may just be the black cloud of bad luck that follows us around. Two, it may be because we had intercourse about 36 hours prior, bringing his count down a bit. As in, not enough time to regenerate. I'm not sure. Bottom line, another kick in the shins.
Two follicles, 8 million swimmers. What are the odds??
I think I jinxed myself by saying, well, a lot of things. One, that I am regular. Two, that this cycle will only cost us about $800 and three, that I am calm. All those things have gone waaaaay down the tube.
I had my u/s on Friday, CD12 and things look okay. Not anywhere near great or good. This has never happened to me so I was caught a bit off guard. I had two almost mature follies, one at 15mm and one at 18mm, not ready to trigger yet. Also, I had a thin uterine lining at 5mm (is that the correct measurement?). They want it to be at least 8mm. NO GOOD. To top it off, they saw "fluid" in the uterus. This fluid could be water, blood or diet coke - they do not seem to know or care, as long as it reabsorbs. Oh - and my E2 levels were 465. Again, not good. My instructions when I left on Friday were to come back for another u/s and blood draw the next morning.
When I left there I was crushed. It wasn't horrible results, but I didn't get the green light either. One thing we've always been able to count on was my regular and near textbook cycles and responses to medication. This was just one more frustration to add to the list. Not to mention the added expense. Another u/s and blood draw would add another $400+ to the cost of this cycle.
So, Saturday morning I drove the hour to my clinic. Again. And the results were much better. My uterus looked great - no "fluid" and a lining of 9mm. My two follicles had grown to 22 and 24. Yay! The nurse gave me the green light to trigger that night. She also instructed DH and I to have intercourse that night coinciding with trigger. I've never been told this before, we've always been told to abstain. Hmmm...Whatever. It is worth a shot. She said that way we would be covered in case I ovulated on my own or earlier than the 36 hour trigger.
Monday, IUI day. I am feeling major ovulation pains and feeling good that we have the timing down pat. I triggered at 9pm on Saturday night and our IUI was at 1:45pm on Monday. Sunday I felt minor cramps and twinges but again, Monday brought major cramping. At one point I actually felt like I had my period due to the cramping (and bloating). So, timing. Good.
DH's sample. Not good. Our last two IUIs DH was at a count of 23 million and 18 million respectively. This time? 8 million. What the hell?? One, it may just be the black cloud of bad luck that follows us around. Two, it may be because we had intercourse about 36 hours prior, bringing his count down a bit. As in, not enough time to regenerate. I'm not sure. Bottom line, another kick in the shins.
Two follicles, 8 million swimmers. What are the odds??
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
BLAH
I feel like a turd on a log. Seriously. I don't know if it is the Clomid, the weather or just stress in general but I just have not been feeling great. For one, I'm bloated and feel so FAT. I'm sure that is mostly the Clomid. And the 10 extra pounds I am carrying. Sigh.
But I've also been sooooo tired and I have this weird lump in my throat. You know that lump you feel when you're trying not to cry? Yeah, that is what the lump in my throat feels like - and it isn't there because I am trying not to cry either. I don't know what it is? It has been kind of coming and going for awhile now. I first noticed it in July at my sisters wedding, it was there for a couple of days and then went away. It's been back a few times since then. Currently, I've felt it for three days. Constantly. It is driving me nuts.
I wonder if I am just fighting a virial infection? Or could it be something with my thyroid? My doctor check my thyroid last winter and said that it looked great but I did have a small cyst on it and it was nothing to be concerned about. Hmmm...should I have her look again? It's so weird!
Other than the above, I am just hanging tight until Friday's ultrasound. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all looks good and we'll be on schedule for IUI #3. I also am praying that I have more than one mature follicle. I've already been feeling quite a few twinges from my ovaries so it appears that they are responding.
Most of all, I wish that this is the cycle. The one to end all cycles. FOREVER. Because if we are granted the miracle to conceive just one more baby, then I will never, ever have to deal with TTC again. Does that sound like a dream come true or what?
But I've also been sooooo tired and I have this weird lump in my throat. You know that lump you feel when you're trying not to cry? Yeah, that is what the lump in my throat feels like - and it isn't there because I am trying not to cry either. I don't know what it is? It has been kind of coming and going for awhile now. I first noticed it in July at my sisters wedding, it was there for a couple of days and then went away. It's been back a few times since then. Currently, I've felt it for three days. Constantly. It is driving me nuts.
I wonder if I am just fighting a virial infection? Or could it be something with my thyroid? My doctor check my thyroid last winter and said that it looked great but I did have a small cyst on it and it was nothing to be concerned about. Hmmm...should I have her look again? It's so weird!
Other than the above, I am just hanging tight until Friday's ultrasound. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all looks good and we'll be on schedule for IUI #3. I also am praying that I have more than one mature follicle. I've already been feeling quite a few twinges from my ovaries so it appears that they are responding.
Most of all, I wish that this is the cycle. The one to end all cycles. FOREVER. Because if we are granted the miracle to conceive just one more baby, then I will never, ever have to deal with TTC again. Does that sound like a dream come true or what?
Monday, October 20, 2008
CD8
Things are moving along. I started Clomid on Friday so I have three pills under my belt and will finish up with that tomorrow. I think it is making me crabby. I seriously just feel sort of bitchy so no apparent reason. Oh well. That's hormones for you. Plus, everytime I take Clomid my period seems to stop pretty abruptly. I think that must throw my body for a loop. When I am not on Clomid, I typically have 7-8 day periods (the last couple of days being light) but on a Clomid cycle (or a cycle right after a Clomid cycle), I have 5 day periods.
Keegan was borderline sick all weekend, fight a cold, so I am loading up on vitamins, juice and water. I do not need to get sick right now! That would be my luck. But seriously, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, I'm trying to will myself both healthy and pregnant.
Friday is my next u/s and hopefully I'll have more than one mature follicle and a green light for Sunday's IUI. My doctor is still "pushing" me (I use that term lightly) to try the natural touch healing but we're not sure if the timing will work. Her friend comes into town (she lives in Denver) Sunday but if my IUI is Sunday than it may be too late. She likes to do visit before conception and one right at conception. She also charges $100 a time so it's pretty spendy. Therefore, I'd rather have the timing down. We'll see what happens.
Not too much else is happening. Just playing the waiting game, as usual.
Keegan was borderline sick all weekend, fight a cold, so I am loading up on vitamins, juice and water. I do not need to get sick right now! That would be my luck. But seriously, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, I'm trying to will myself both healthy and pregnant.
Friday is my next u/s and hopefully I'll have more than one mature follicle and a green light for Sunday's IUI. My doctor is still "pushing" me (I use that term lightly) to try the natural touch healing but we're not sure if the timing will work. Her friend comes into town (she lives in Denver) Sunday but if my IUI is Sunday than it may be too late. She likes to do visit before conception and one right at conception. She also charges $100 a time so it's pretty spendy. Therefore, I'd rather have the timing down. We'll see what happens.
Not too much else is happening. Just playing the waiting game, as usual.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
2 years = no baby
Hello cycle 24! And happy two years of TTC anniversary to me. I should get drunk and celebrate. But I won't. Somehow I have become very calm - not to be mistaken for at peace - with the situation. It is out of my control and as much as I wish there was something, anything I could do to control this aspect of my life - THERE JUST ISN'T.
I did take a much needed break from living, thinking and breathing IF. But in the last week or so I've been busy getting my feet wet again...
I emailed my regular doctor, who I LOVE and trust more than my RE (who I have seen once in a year and charges $400 for each meeting). Anyway, I asked my doc if she could think outside the box a bit and give me some advice, thoughts or whatever. I told her we were thinking of doing our third IUI this cycle but wanted to make sure there was nothing else we were missing (with me) or overlooking in general. I know that we'll never do IVF so I want to be as informed as I can going into another IUI. She suggested that I go ahead with another IUI but if it isn't successful, she wants me to consider doing a lap. She says that it wouldn't hurt to go in and take a look at exactly what is going on inside of me and just make sure that we are not missing anything. I am a little nervous about this procedure but I think I'm at the point of being willing to try anything.
Speaking of that, she also stated that she has a good friend that does natural touch healing. She asked if I would be open to trying something that far outside the box and I said, why not? She is trying to contact her friend about me and see if her friend would be willing to try and help me. I don't really get what she does but once my doc provides me with a little more info, I'll post it. She said that it works best right around the time of conception so she is going to see if she can get me in right around the day of our IUI. Interesting...huh? Especially since this is my doctor talking! I guess that is why I love my doctor.
So, IUI #3, here we come. I have a baseline ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning. That also means I have to pre-pay $1,000 tomorrow morning. What a joke. Especially, since I don't think our cycle will cost that much. I decided I am not going to do the blood tests, they have always shown that I ovulate and are good levels. So, that will save us a couple hundred. I will do the baseline u/s, clomid days 5-9, the follow up u/s at CD12, the trigger shot and then the IUI. I am not taking the progesterone suppositories. I have been doing a lot of reading about them and I do not think they are necessary for me. I don't have low levels, I have never spotted and carried a healthy pregnancy once already with no issues. They just seem like a waste of money and they are gross.
I think the cycle should cost about $805 all said and done. Totally worth it if we get a baby from it. If not...well, it wouldn't be the first time and that just sucks.
*****************************************************
Updated....I didn't get a chance to post this yesterday. I had my baseline u/s this morning and all went well. I am set and moving forward with this IUI cycle as planned. The other good news - they didn't ask for the $1,000 pre-pay. I'm going to take this as a sign that good luck is on our side this time!
I did take a much needed break from living, thinking and breathing IF. But in the last week or so I've been busy getting my feet wet again...
I emailed my regular doctor, who I LOVE and trust more than my RE (who I have seen once in a year and charges $400 for each meeting). Anyway, I asked my doc if she could think outside the box a bit and give me some advice, thoughts or whatever. I told her we were thinking of doing our third IUI this cycle but wanted to make sure there was nothing else we were missing (with me) or overlooking in general. I know that we'll never do IVF so I want to be as informed as I can going into another IUI. She suggested that I go ahead with another IUI but if it isn't successful, she wants me to consider doing a lap. She says that it wouldn't hurt to go in and take a look at exactly what is going on inside of me and just make sure that we are not missing anything. I am a little nervous about this procedure but I think I'm at the point of being willing to try anything.
Speaking of that, she also stated that she has a good friend that does natural touch healing. She asked if I would be open to trying something that far outside the box and I said, why not? She is trying to contact her friend about me and see if her friend would be willing to try and help me. I don't really get what she does but once my doc provides me with a little more info, I'll post it. She said that it works best right around the time of conception so she is going to see if she can get me in right around the day of our IUI. Interesting...huh? Especially since this is my doctor talking! I guess that is why I love my doctor.
So, IUI #3, here we come. I have a baseline ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning. That also means I have to pre-pay $1,000 tomorrow morning. What a joke. Especially, since I don't think our cycle will cost that much. I decided I am not going to do the blood tests, they have always shown that I ovulate and are good levels. So, that will save us a couple hundred. I will do the baseline u/s, clomid days 5-9, the follow up u/s at CD12, the trigger shot and then the IUI. I am not taking the progesterone suppositories. I have been doing a lot of reading about them and I do not think they are necessary for me. I don't have low levels, I have never spotted and carried a healthy pregnancy once already with no issues. They just seem like a waste of money and they are gross.
I think the cycle should cost about $805 all said and done. Totally worth it if we get a baby from it. If not...well, it wouldn't be the first time and that just sucks.
*****************************************************
Updated....I didn't get a chance to post this yesterday. I had my baseline u/s this morning and all went well. I am set and moving forward with this IUI cycle as planned. The other good news - they didn't ask for the $1,000 pre-pay. I'm going to take this as a sign that good luck is on our side this time!
Friday, October 3, 2008
I stepped out of the ring
Sorry about that but a break from the IF battle was much needed. I don't even know what CD I am on - I just know that I am somewhere in the 2ww and that is fine. Whatever.
I believe we are still on track to do an IUI next cycle but we really haven't spoken of it. I've also started thinking what it would be like if we really, truly do not come out of this battle on the positive end. That doesn't mean I have given up - yet - but I have just been trying to see the other flip of the coin. I mean, of course, we all think that eventually this thing will work out in our favor. How could it not, right? That all this pain and suffering is bound to pay off. It certainly did for me last time.
What what if it doesn't? What then?
Well, then I'll be left being the mother to one gorgeous, amazing boy. It is not the dream I had in my head but I would still be so very thankful for the opportunity to be his momma. And because it is not my dream, I would need to truly dig deep and overcome all those dark and awful feelings of unfairness. So, I guess you could say that I've been experimenting with that a bit. Just to "see" what it might be like for me. The only conclusion that I've come up with this far is that it would be HARD.
But like I said, I haven't given up hope yet. We'll see what this next IUI brings.
In other news, I felt my sister's baby move last night. It was wonderful and selfishly awful at the same time. To feel like move inside someone is just so amazing and exciting. To know that I may never feel that inside me again is devestating. I will say that it didn't deter me from keeping my hand on her belly for about a half hour waiting for that next tap! LOL.
Things have been slowly getting better at work and I just received a well deserved raise this week. I have a great new boss who totally goes to bat for me and I couldn't be more grateful to her. It is so nice to know that someone has your back in a professional environment. People like that are few and far between, ya know?
Yoga has been going pretty well and I've learned that I am just about the most unflexible person in the world. Yikes! I suck! Plus, my instructor focuses on me non-stop because I am the youngest person in the class and she seems to think that since I am the young age of 31 that I am as flexible as a 16 year old or something. Seriously, she keeps saying things like, "Oh, you're young - you can bend more than that!' while pushing down on my back to the point that I want to yelp. Jeez. 31 may be young, but it is not that young!
I guess that is about all I have going right now. I am so glad it is Friday! I am looking forward to a weekend with my boy and whipping our house back into shape. It's been such a busy week that I have completely neglected every aspect of housework.
I am loving this beautiful fall weather!! The change of seasons reminds me of why I love living here. That crisp, clean air and the autumn smell in the air does a body good!
I believe we are still on track to do an IUI next cycle but we really haven't spoken of it. I've also started thinking what it would be like if we really, truly do not come out of this battle on the positive end. That doesn't mean I have given up - yet - but I have just been trying to see the other flip of the coin. I mean, of course, we all think that eventually this thing will work out in our favor. How could it not, right? That all this pain and suffering is bound to pay off. It certainly did for me last time.
What what if it doesn't? What then?
Well, then I'll be left being the mother to one gorgeous, amazing boy. It is not the dream I had in my head but I would still be so very thankful for the opportunity to be his momma. And because it is not my dream, I would need to truly dig deep and overcome all those dark and awful feelings of unfairness. So, I guess you could say that I've been experimenting with that a bit. Just to "see" what it might be like for me. The only conclusion that I've come up with this far is that it would be HARD.
But like I said, I haven't given up hope yet. We'll see what this next IUI brings.
In other news, I felt my sister's baby move last night. It was wonderful and selfishly awful at the same time. To feel like move inside someone is just so amazing and exciting. To know that I may never feel that inside me again is devestating. I will say that it didn't deter me from keeping my hand on her belly for about a half hour waiting for that next tap! LOL.
Things have been slowly getting better at work and I just received a well deserved raise this week. I have a great new boss who totally goes to bat for me and I couldn't be more grateful to her. It is so nice to know that someone has your back in a professional environment. People like that are few and far between, ya know?
Yoga has been going pretty well and I've learned that I am just about the most unflexible person in the world. Yikes! I suck! Plus, my instructor focuses on me non-stop because I am the youngest person in the class and she seems to think that since I am the young age of 31 that I am as flexible as a 16 year old or something. Seriously, she keeps saying things like, "Oh, you're young - you can bend more than that!' while pushing down on my back to the point that I want to yelp. Jeez. 31 may be young, but it is not that young!
I guess that is about all I have going right now. I am so glad it is Friday! I am looking forward to a weekend with my boy and whipping our house back into shape. It's been such a busy week that I have completely neglected every aspect of housework.
I am loving this beautiful fall weather!! The change of seasons reminds me of why I love living here. That crisp, clean air and the autumn smell in the air does a body good!
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