The impossible dream

I still can't fully wrap my brain around it. I can't believe that she is pregnant. She is doing much better and is slowly (albeit slowly) getting used to the idea. Her boyfriend is ecstatic and they are thinking of getting married in July. I think all the pieces will come together for them.

But me? Well, I am adjusting too but I fear that it'll take me a bit longer. The reality of what will happen in the months to come scares me. I want to be happy for her and excited but I am so dang jealous! And the pressure! I went from a peaceful TTC break to this ridiculous urgency to get pregnant. My sister is not helping in that department. With every conversation comes the words, "You HAVE to get pregnant too!!" She is bound and determined that I get knocked up and go through all of it with her. Of course, she is scared. I get that. I just wish it was as easy as decided that I will get pregnant too.

And no, she really doesn't know the extent of what DH and I are going through with infertility. She doesn't know and the little bit of info I've offered, she doesnt' get. Why would she? Look at the condition she is currently in. All she knows is that if she has to go through all this, she wants me to as well. And prior to this, I didn't talk about it with her because it was so irrelevant to her life. She was in college, then graduating and starting her life, getting her first real job and buying a house. TTC and babies were not crossing her mind.

The thing that I haven't mentioned yet? I'm almost embarrassed to say it. I've been through this once before. Another one of my unmarried (although much more unprepared) sister also got pregnant very unexpectedly when I was TTC the first time around. It was awful then and it is awful now. In fact, the day that she gave birth was the day that my then doctor told me that we'd never be able to conceive naturally. Imagine learning that little tidbit of information while trying to be a supportive birthing coach for my unmarried sister who got knocked up accidentally. I remember taking a break at one point and going into this dark hallway and bawling my eyes out over the unfairness.

Because it is unfair. But that's life, isn't it? It isn't my sister's fault I cannot get pregnant. I'm her big sister and her friend and of course, I will be there for her. I will be her biggest support system, be planning her shower and love that baby like crazy. Because I love her, and she deserves all the happiness and excitement that comes with being pregnant.

I just can't believe that this is happening. It feels so personal and I keep questioning God and why this is happening. Right or wrong, I just can't help it.

Did I mention I am ovulating? Either last night or today. I can feel it. Much like last month, it is very uncomfortable to ovulate more than one egg. Well, I am assuming I am ovulating more than one egg, I really wouldn't know. It just feels exactly like last month. Somewhat painful. And while I would love nothing more than to conceive this cycle, it just seems so impossible.

The impossible dream. It seems to be the story of my life.

Holy Shit

Okay, remember that peaceful, relaxed and much needed mental break from all the bullshit I was working on?? Well, an "interesting" situation has developed.

My younger sister is pregnant.

She's 25.

She's not married.

She's not happy about it.


I cannot make this shit up. And before I get into it I must be upfront by saying that I LOVE my sister. I have four sisters and they are all near and dear to me but this one? This newly pregnant one? She is my best friend and such a wonderful sister. But. BUT! She is not me. I am the one that is supposed to get pregnant because I am the one who has been trying for 20 months. She has been on the pill for almost 10 years, wasn't sure she wanted kids period and somehow managed to become knocked up "accidentally". I swear, God is up there laughing at me.

I am so full of mixed emotions right now. On one hand, I am happy because hello? A new baby? What could be more wonderful. And if I can't have a baby then I guess she would be the next best thing. Well, sort of. I mean, the girl is SO not ready to have a baby. But she'll be fine. Her and her boyfriend have been dating for 10 years or something - high school sweethearts. But they are not married or even engaged (although that may change in the very near future). They just bought a house and so while they do have a nice place to bring the baby home to, they also have a pretty tight budget because of the new house and getting used to mortgage payments and all that "grown up" stuff.

When she called me last night I drove right over. She thought the test looked "sort of" positive. When I looked at it I almost started crying. It was SO completely positive. I even brought another test with me and had her take it and it showed two dark lines immediately. She was crying and I hugged her and told her it will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay. I just keep repeating this to myself.

She's five weeks and 2 days. She's due January 27. If our IUI would have worked, I would be due January 25. Seriously, do you hear God laughing at me? Because I am pretty sure I do.

If you are out there and are reading this? I could really, really use some sort of cyber hug. Or a comment. Or something. Just let me know that you are reading and I am not alone because I am sort of feeling that way right now. That I'm stuck on this awful infertile amusement park ride where nobody cares and I cannot get off.

To that point, I sort of feel like I may throw up.

Au Natural

I actually have to look at my calendar and look to see what day I am on. It's CD12. A month ago on CD12 I was so excited and hopeful. Now...I just am. As far as TTC, I am still very sad but I try not to think about it too much because I immediately become upset and exhausted. I've been pushing it far, far away and while I wouldnt' say I am "peaceful" with infertility (I'm still too angry), I must admit I'm pretty relaxed. I'm just trying to live in the moment and take a huge mental break from the bullshit.

I did take Clomid on days 5-9, so I guess we are not completely natural. I'm starting to feel minor cramps/twinges in that general area so I am guessing that it is doing its thing. DH and I will definitely be having sex over the next few days (and beyond, obviously) but only because we love and enjoy each other, not for the sole purpose of baby making. I am not stressing about timing and if we don't do it on a certain night than oh well. It is what it is.

It is so nice to not have to worry about appointments or the timing of anything. I'm not happy about any of this or the infertility hand we were dealt but I am grateful for my family and all the blessings that I do have.

Living in the moment...that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

On the rebound

Today is CD5 . My regular ob/gyn gave me a prescription for it and told me to take mucin*ex three times a day from CD5 until after ovulation to help thin out cervical mucus (Clomid can tend to thicken it).I guess I am going to go ahead and take it. I have nothing to lose really. I do feel that I really need a month (or two) where TTC is on the back burner. In the same breath, I don't want to take a complete break so why not take it and boost our chances slightly? I am not going to use OPKs or temp. DH and I will have as much unscheduled sex as we want although we will make a point to hit the "key"days. I know it is going to be easier said than done but I vow to not obsess or stress in any way. I need a break from all of that. Seriously.

And since I am not all TTC, all the time this month...I guess I need to blog about the rest of my life for a change. Wow, that's novel idea!

In job news, I am still, STILL waiting on a promotion that I've been working my ass of for and waiting around for, for almost six months. I am no stranger to frustration, that is true. This whole promotion thing truly needs to come to a head here in the next couple of days. I am so far past disgruntled that it is ridiculous. I have started looking for a new job elsewhere but not seriously yet. I love the location of my job and do not want to have to start commuting and that would most certainly be the case if I left here. I am lucky to find a great job, doing what I want to be doing in my town. I just need to move up, mentally and financially.

I am really looking forward to the long weekend ahead. It cannot get here fast enough. The weather is supposed to be warm and beautiful and I can't wait to relax and enjoy it. I started working on our yard last weekend and have a long way to go. We just built around and remodeled a "new" house two summers ago and while we did a few minor projects last year, this year I need to get serious planting and cleaning up the overgrown yard. I am not much of a green thumb but my mom and grandma are huge into gardening so I hope to follow in their footsteps as time goes along.

Finally, I'm really trying to focus on Keegan and live in the moment with him. I know I don't blog about him here a lot, mostly because I am trying to be sensitive to those who do not have kids yet. I really, really need an infertility support group and I don't want the fact that I have a child to deter people. Infertility robs you from your dreams and toys with a woman's most primal instincts. I hope those who are reading who have not yet had a child understand that whether your dream is to have one baby or five, or whether you are able to conceive once or five times, infertility is just as painful. It may be a different kind of hurt after you have had a son or a daughter than it was the first time but, for me at least, it is not any less. Like I've said before, now on top of all my selfish wants and needs for another baby - I also have Keegan and his future to take into consideration.

I am so glad the summer is almost upon us. I look forward to long, lazy days. Warm sunshine, grilling, relaxing. Enjoying a cold beer on a humid evening with my husband. Digging in the earth and making my yard look colorful. Playing outside with Keegan and remembering what it was like to be young again. Lastly, finding myself and finding some peace.

What to say?

I'm at a really weird point right now. I'm sure every infertile reaches this crossroads at some point. For some, it may be after multiple IVFs or FETs, for some it may be after months of trying naturally and not wanting to do medical intervention and for me it is after two IUIs and 20 months of trying. Everybody is so different and there are so many factors that tie into each person's decision and then there is a level of emotional tolerance that you reach. I'm am at a point where I'm just not sure what path I want to take.

From the beginning, I knew we'd never do IVF. Or maybe, more specifically, I knew DH would never consider IVF so neither did I. And I'm okay with that, I am not sure I would ever want to go down that path. Not to mention the money aspect. Ugh. Same with adoption, it is just not for us. DH and I have never really talked about it but I know we are both on the same page with that. I admire those who go down that road, I think it is wonderful. But these are all such personal decisions and one thing I've realized throughout all this is that we are all different. What works for some, does not for others. I don't judge and hope others don't of me.

That brings us back to IUI. We've done two now. Not a large number nor not a huge undertaking overall. Two unsuccessful IUIs is not tragic in the scheme of things, I get that. It's just that there is so much more involved and at stake than just two IUIs. 20 months of trying (and again, 38 total) is exhausting. I am tired and need a break right now. Do I want to get pregnant? Abosolutely. We are not going to quit trying naturally, I am far from that. But, I am also realistic. The odds of it happening naturally are pretty slim. Plus, I kind of feel like we used up our miracle when we conceived Keegan. Thing like that just don't happen twice. I'm beginning to realize that.

I thought that when I found out this cycle didn't work I'd start crying and not be able to stop. I know that I was upset enough to do just that but in reality, I haven't cried once. Whenever I think about it, which is a lot, I just turn inward. I am sad and angry but it just makes me quiet. I've started thinking about the reality of only having one child. What that would mean - to both him and to us. I've been trying to wrap my mind around what that would be like and the bottom line is, it sucks.

Selfishly? it would be nice to never have to deal with all day sickness for months, pregnancy weight gain, sleep deprevation, feeding challenges, toddlers tantrums and the like. It would be great to know that we could either take Keegan or arrange for a sitter and begin to travel again. Hell - we could plan again! Plan...weekends away or spring vacations. I'd never have to worry about what CD it is. I could work hard on my body and getting it back to where I'd like it to be and not have to worry about weight gain from infertility related hormones or the havoc that pregnancy (and breastfeeding) does to a woman's body. I wouldn't have to stress about money or the timing of scheduled appointments. I could drink diet coke to my heart's desire!

But. I would happily and graciously take all that and more for the unspeakable joy that comes with feeling your child move within you. To go through labor again and feel that unbelieable sense of power, pride and accomplishment. To smell that sweet baby smell again. To feel the weight of my baby sleeping in my arms. To hear my child tell me he loves me for the first time. To know that I created life with my husband.

And unselfishly? To give Keegan a sibling, the greatest gift there is. To know that he always has a "friend" by his side, someone to play with, someone who always has his back. To know that he does not have to deal with his parents in their old age by himself. To teach him even more about the power of unconditional love and acceptance.

I want to scream and shout about the unfairness. I want to bang my fists against the wall and sob. But I can't. All of this is so far out of my control and I am now trying to accept that. What else can I do? No matter what, I cannot make this happen. The reality is, it truly may never happen. And I have to learn some sort of acceptance. Because in addition to two IUIs and 20 months of trying, I do have a life that is happening at the same time. I have to wake up each day and live it - infertile or not.

It's negative

I took a test this morning - a BFN, just as I suspected. After seeing the results, I opted not to take my morning progesterone. I am done with that shit.

I have to run to a meeting but I just had to get it out. It is negative. Again. And I haven't told DH yet.

My gut is telling me...

No. I'm pretty sure this cycle didn't work. My boobs went from super, crazy sore to barely anything in the last 24 hours and other than this darn cold, I am feeling absolutely nothing.

I think I'll test tomorrow morning and then if it is negative, quit with the progesterone. I only have enough to last me through Friday morning anyway. Plus, if Melissa was right, my period will only be delayed if I stay on the progesterone and I'd rather that not happen.

I probably shouldn't get into how I feel about this cycle not working until I know, for a fact, that it didn't but I will say this. Sad. I can't believe after 20 months (38 total if you include TTC#1) of trying, that we are still struggling. Yes, DH has low morphology. But it isn't horrible. And I am SO regular! I have been told so many times that I am textbook - textbook BBT charts, textbook ovulation dates, I responded perfectly to Clomid, etc. What is it so hard for us?? There are so many people out there with more severe obstacles who've gotten pregnant. Why not us? We have an egg (in this last case, two), we have an ideal "home" (great uterine lining) for the egg, and we had 18 million sperm. 18 million chances for one of my eggs to be fertilized. While I know that isn't a huge number in terms of some men's count - it is still considered a good number, especially for IUI. It is just so very frustrating!!

I have been emailing my regular OB/gyn (who I love) and she said she would happily prescribe me Clomid for next cycle. So, while I know we won't be doing another IUI (at least not at this point), at least we will have a little boost to trying naturally.

To top it off, I am sick. That never helps with attitude, I just feel like I want to go home and curl up in a ball. Maybe I should?

"Dooms" day is lurking

Today is CD25. I'm pretty sure my nurse told me to come in for a beta tomorrow - two weeks from day of trigger. But I'm not. My plan is to hold out as long as I can and either test or say hello to AF. We'll see how that goes. I just don'[t want to drive two hours, round trip, so that I can pay $200 for them to say, "Sorry, it's negative."

I feel like total crap, I have a terrible cold. And I don't know if it is the sickness talking or just a good 'ol gut feeling but I am pretty convinced that this didn't work. I have very little in the way of symptoms. My boobs became terribly sore on Saturday - much worse than usual - but then again, I am on progesterone so I'm sure that is why. Also, I don' t think they feel quite as sore today. Like I said, I feel like crap so any other things that I may be feeling can be blamed on this god-awful cold I have. Oh, did I mention it is like the fifth one of this winter/spring?? I totally blame it on the shitty MN weather that we've been having this year. Will it never warm up around here?

Wow, aren't I negative? Sorry about that. I'm just bracing myself for the worst.

She still doesn't get it

Remember when I was talking about my (fertile) mother and how she always says the wrong thing? And how I had ordered her a book about infertility to better help her understand. Well...
This was our conversation last night.

Mom: "So, I read that book you gave me. The one about infertility? I had nothing else to read." BTW, I gave it to her about 3-4 wks ago.

Me: "And??"

Mom: "It was depressing!!"

Me: "Yep, tell me about it."

Mom: Completely changes the subject about something else random.

Me: Changing the subject back. "So, now do you have a better idea of what I've been dealing with?"

Mom: "Well, at least you have one child. It's a lot more sad for those who can't have any!"

Me: "I disagree. Just because I had one doesn't mean I don't deserve the family I dream of. Also, having him just makes me want more. I know now what I am missing out on."

Mom: "Hmmmm." And she changes the subject again.

So, obviously, that went well. Money well spent on the book and all. I guess I can't expect her to "get" it because she was as fertile as the day is long but still! The least she could do is be more empathetic and supportive. Plus, I HATE when people assume that because I have one child, then that should be good enough. That's B.S. Not to mention, I struggled to conceive him as well. It wasn't like that was all sunshine and roses.

I'll just on on the record here and say - infertility does not hurt any less the second time around.

Period.

7 dpiui and progesterone is kicking my ass

I just feel so sluggish, unmotivated, tired and FAT. I also occasionally have hot flashes and I am constantly feeling the need to put food in my belly - hmmm...that on top of the bloat - I wonder why I feel fat?? I'm also sick to death of the stupid suppositories and all the drippiness involved. No need to say more. Yuck. I feel gross.

At least I am not obsessing over pregnancy symptoms (yet) because all I can focus on is the crappy progesterone ridiculousness.

In other news...it's Friday. And that, my friends, is a very good thing.

I held a baby in my arms today

My good friend had her third child yesterday. It was a boy and so she now has three boys. This is one of the girlfriends that I posted about (oh, about 9 months ago) that started trying AFTER me and got pregnant right away. Again, yesterday, she gave birth and again, I am still trying to get pregnant.

Anyway, I went to visit them in the hospital today. I mean, hey, what am I supposed to do? It's not her fault that we can't get pregnant. And she's a good friend. And she would visit me if I was in her place (ha! as if.). And as much as I was dreading going to see him, I was also dying to hold him. I mean, what is better than a newborn baby?? Pretty much nothing. Or maybe I'm just in to torturing myself? At any rate, I did really well with the visit. He is so dang sweet that you could help but smile and stare. I was fine.

Then I left and I was not so fine.

I am just so jealous even though I know that it is wrong to feel that way. Even though I know she is going home with a newborn to a four year old and a one and a half year old and chaos is sure to ensue. Even though I know she will not be sleeping for the next three or more months and that she is sore and her nippples are already killing her. Even though I know her life is far from ideal - I am SO jealous.

I can't help it.

If only I could button my pants

Okay, well maybe that is an exaggeration - but not much of one! I have never been so bloated in all my life. I take that back...I have been. But it was when I was newly pregnant. I felt the same way - like I couldn't wait to get home at the end of the day so I could put sweatpants on and be more comfortable. I guess that would make sense though since much of the same hormones are racing through my system as during that time. I just wish it would have the same outcome as last time.

I am a ball of mixed emotion right now. On one hand, I am optimistic and hopeful. Everything went perfectly this cycle and there is NO reason why I shouldn't get pregnant. I am praying about every five minutes for a positive result. I went to church yesterday and I don't think I heard one word of the service because I was so busy having a seperate conversation with God. Begging.

On the other hand, I am already bracing myself for the bad news, putting together a "plan" for how I will proceed once I find out it didn't work. Much of this has to do with DH. I didn't even get a chance to post about how much his attitude has changed and how wonderful he was being before the other shoe dropped and he returned to his normal self. Unfortunatel, he picked the morning of our IUI to become his grumpy self. It was right after we collected his sample. I told him what a great feeling I had about this cycle - that I really, really thought this could be it. His response? Something along the lines of, I sure hope so because this is IT. It's just too much work.

Can you say BAD TIMING?? In that second, all my hopes and postive energy flew out the window. I just felt sad. I still do.

First of all, talk about putting the pressure on. Feeling like this has to work because it is our last chance adds so much stress to the situation and makes me feel a little desperate. Not that we have to have a definite decision either way but I would like to feel like the possibility is there. That we could do another IUI if we so choose. But he? Well, it's like he just slams the door in my face time and time again.

Second of all, too hard? Too much work? Too much time? Yes, to all. But more for me than him. I mean, seriously? Basically, he just had to go up one time and have an orgasm. With my help. I, on the other hand, had to drive up multiple times to have a ultrasound wand stuck up inside of me, take pills, shots and suppositories. Not to mention the cathetor that was threaded through my cervix up into my uterus.

I'm just having a hard time with him right now. It's like he plays God and can just decide for us. And that is so completely unfair. I had my own thoughts about how I would like to procede if this cycle doesn't work. I was thinking about taking a couple months off and/or possibly just using clomid with no IUIs, etc. and trying naturally. I thought maybe we could revisit another IUI in August or September. BUT, I didn't just make that decision and TELL him how it was going to be. I also didn't bring it up the morning of our IUI in the sample room (or whatever you would call it). I figured we discuss it - together - when the time was right.

Ugh. Again, I just wish I had a supportive, giving husband when it comes to all of this. But I don't and it sucks. I do not know what his problem is.

I do know what mine is...my stomach is huge and uncomfortable. I'm guessing this is all because of the progesterone. Will this last the next two weeks??

Holy ovulation, batman

Starting around lunchtime I began having major ovulation cramping.

Two thoughts:

1. Yes, this is good. The medication is doing its trick.

2. Oh, no - I hope I am not ovulating right now. IUI isn't until tomorrow morning.


I'm sure (I hope) it is just my body getting ready to release those eggs and not that they are actually releasing. Plus, I'm sure they know what they are doing and 36 hours post Ovidrel is the best timing. I am just being paranoid, I'm sure, but I can't help it. I just want this to work so badly. I just can not get over at how strong the ovulation pains are - and they are on the side with the two eggs. Maybe that is why they are so intense? I don't think I've ever ovulated two eggs before.

How about any of you out there...what do you feel after triggering? And how soon??

Between trigger and IUI

DH gave me my trigger shot last night. I could have done it myself but was nervous so he did it for me. It didn't hurt a bit. Not that I have any issues with shots anyway but I'm not sure I've ever had one in my belly. It seemed like it would hurt but nope. Too much cushion I guess. It burned around that area quite a bit after the shot but only lasted for about 5 minutes or so.
And so far...I feel fine. A few twinges here and there and a bit bloated but other than that, nothing.

I'm excited for tomorrow - well, except for the fact that we have to get up at the crack of dawn to make it to DH's 7:30am appointment. This means we'll have to leave our house by 6:15am. Yuck! It is about an hour drive to our clinic but I'm sure we'll hit traffic at that time of day so we'll have to leave a bit earlier than usual. The IUI (my appointment) isn't until 9:30am but DH is adament about me being there for his appointment. He always has been pretty firm on that - that I was to be there with him. I guess I should be happy that he wants me there to "help" him but it would be easier if we could just go at our own specific times. Mostly, because we have to drive seperately anyway - I have a meeting in Mpls right after the IUI and DH will head back right after his appointment because he has to work. How romantic. I try not to dwell on that though.

Less than 24 hours and it'll all be over with. I'm nervous. If this doesn't work, I'm not sure what path we'll be heading down next. It may be time for a break for awhile. Again, that is a post for another time. Right now - I'm concentrating on the postive. Everything looks good and there is no reason this shouldn't be it for us. Keep your fingers crossed...