I am just so angry right now. This week has gotten progressively worse and I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I am just so angry! I can talk through everything in my head, telling myself to count my blessings, remind myself how hard pregnancy is (I had hyperemesis for much of it), remind myself how much work it is and how little sleep you get when you have a new baby. I can weigh out all the negatives involved with having another baby but the truth of the matter is, no matter how many negatives there are, there is one HUGE positive that outweighs them all - a baby! Life that you and the one you love have created together.
And really, I can get past many of my own selfish needs but I cannot get past Keegan and not being able to give him a sibling. It SUCKS. I hate thinking of him being an only child, it makes me sad and again, ANGRY.
I've been thinking about God a lot and really all it is doing is fueling my anger. DH and I are good people, we love each other, we are good parents, we have a nice house, good jobs...and most of all, we really want this with all our hearts. Why doesn't God bless us with another baby? Why doesn't He listen to our prayers? I have two sisters who had unexpected pregnancies - neither were married at the time (although one is now) and neither was especially happy with the news of their unexpected pregnancy. WTH?? In the time that we've been TTC, I now have an unexpected niece and nephew - but not another baby of my own? How is that fair? I do not understand.
Yes, I know the saying, "Life isn't fair". I get that, now more than ever but I don't understand it. What good is praying? What good can come of this? Right now, I can see myself moving on (because what other choice do I have??) but I can't imagine getting over infertility. It feels that it will forever be a chip on my shoulder. It will forever be a hole in my heart. And I will always feel that someone is missing from our life.
I have four younger sisters and I have to brace myself for all the babies that they will inevitably have. They are all just beginning to get married and are heading in the direction of building their own families. I will have to deal with all the emotions that the next 5-10 years bring and that scares me. How will I not be green with envy or just plain angry every time one of them announces a pregnancy?
I guess I am just having a bit of trouble with accepting that this is the hand we were dealt. This is our reality.
Why are their so many unplanned and unwanted pregnancies in the world and then couples like us?
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
A.IVF (After In Vitro Fertilization)
Here I am - almost a week out from the news of our negative IVF. I am all over the board with thoughts and emotions, feeling something one minute and not at all the next. There are times when I feel acceptance and time when I feel despair. There are times when I am completely calm and times when I am raging with anger.
I used to be one of those people who believed everything happens for a reason, that there is a bigger plan. Now? I'm not so sure. I'm not an overly religious person but I've always believed in God. Now? I'm really struggling with my faith. I just don't understand why? WHY? And not just why about the negative IVF but why infertility? Not only why us but why does anyone have to go through this struggle? What is the point? What is the bigger picture?
Dh and I decided when we started this IVF process that this would be it. Our last shot and then it was over, we'd throw in the towel and move on from IF once and for all. As tired as I am and as much as I am beaten down by IF, I sort of panicked about the thought that it was over. I mean, how can this be our ending? I don't want to go out this way! I went home that night and told DH the shitty news and I expected him to be angry and say "We're done!" or something along those lines. He actually surprised me by hugging me and having a very rational and honest discussion with me about where we go from here. Truly, it was just what I needed. Not so much because I want to move forward with more treatment, but more so to hear that I could if that is what I needed to do and that is basically what DH told me. He said that he wants a baby more than anything too and if I needed to try another option, that he'd back me. He also said that he is not willing to go through this much longer and that we need to move forward somehow, someway in the very near future. I agree with him completely, it just felt nice to not be backed into a corner.
I think we are just both so hurt by it all. I don't want to give up on our dream but I really don't see any other option. We will not be doing another IVF, that is certain. One, the money! God! Two, 58% chance of success. Our doctor said that everything went "perfectly" this time around and that he could just as easily be calling us with news that we were having twins as he could that it was negative. We had two "great embryos" that just didn't stick. Would it work if we did it again? Who knows, same odds. We were in the 42% end this time and 42% is still very substantial and crappy odds. I also don't know if I could put my body through all that again. I don't know how people manage it six, seven or eight times. Not to mention going through the disappointment again if it doesn't work. It is just such a gamble.
If IVF was free - or covered by insurance? Well, then I would have a lot more soul searching to do. As it stands, neither of us are willing to gamble another $13,000.
Our options? IUI w/injectables or quit. I am probably 30/70, leaning towards quiting. I mean, the odds are so against us. How much heartbreak can a person take? It has been 42 months of this shit. Every additional step we take, we hope for success only to be kicked down again again.
On the other hand, I have a ton of meds left over and I figure what better way to get rid of them? It would be so easy to do an IUI cycle after doing an IVF cycle. It would only cost around $1,000 or so. (Ha! Remember when that seemed like a lot of money?) I don't know...the thought of stepping foot back in that IF clinic makes me want to scream. I hate, hate, hate it.
I am so fucking tired of being infertile, of it all.
I used to be one of those people who believed everything happens for a reason, that there is a bigger plan. Now? I'm not so sure. I'm not an overly religious person but I've always believed in God. Now? I'm really struggling with my faith. I just don't understand why? WHY? And not just why about the negative IVF but why infertility? Not only why us but why does anyone have to go through this struggle? What is the point? What is the bigger picture?
Dh and I decided when we started this IVF process that this would be it. Our last shot and then it was over, we'd throw in the towel and move on from IF once and for all. As tired as I am and as much as I am beaten down by IF, I sort of panicked about the thought that it was over. I mean, how can this be our ending? I don't want to go out this way! I went home that night and told DH the shitty news and I expected him to be angry and say "We're done!" or something along those lines. He actually surprised me by hugging me and having a very rational and honest discussion with me about where we go from here. Truly, it was just what I needed. Not so much because I want to move forward with more treatment, but more so to hear that I could if that is what I needed to do and that is basically what DH told me. He said that he wants a baby more than anything too and if I needed to try another option, that he'd back me. He also said that he is not willing to go through this much longer and that we need to move forward somehow, someway in the very near future. I agree with him completely, it just felt nice to not be backed into a corner.
I think we are just both so hurt by it all. I don't want to give up on our dream but I really don't see any other option. We will not be doing another IVF, that is certain. One, the money! God! Two, 58% chance of success. Our doctor said that everything went "perfectly" this time around and that he could just as easily be calling us with news that we were having twins as he could that it was negative. We had two "great embryos" that just didn't stick. Would it work if we did it again? Who knows, same odds. We were in the 42% end this time and 42% is still very substantial and crappy odds. I also don't know if I could put my body through all that again. I don't know how people manage it six, seven or eight times. Not to mention going through the disappointment again if it doesn't work. It is just such a gamble.
If IVF was free - or covered by insurance? Well, then I would have a lot more soul searching to do. As it stands, neither of us are willing to gamble another $13,000.
Our options? IUI w/injectables or quit. I am probably 30/70, leaning towards quiting. I mean, the odds are so against us. How much heartbreak can a person take? It has been 42 months of this shit. Every additional step we take, we hope for success only to be kicked down again again.
On the other hand, I have a ton of meds left over and I figure what better way to get rid of them? It would be so easy to do an IUI cycle after doing an IVF cycle. It would only cost around $1,000 or so. (Ha! Remember when that seemed like a lot of money?) I don't know...the thought of stepping foot back in that IF clinic makes me want to scream. I hate, hate, hate it.
I am so fucking tired of being infertile, of it all.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
I tested
Yesterday, two days before my beta test...and it was negative. Obviously, it didn't work and we'll remain a family of three. My spirit is crushed.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Transfer complete!
Transfer was Sunday and all went well. We transferred one level two blastocyst and one level two morula. Out of those eight wonderful looking, fertilized eggs - that is what we ended up with for our best chance at success.
It's so weird to think that after having 39 follicles, that is what we were left with! It took the whole freezing debate out of my hands because we weren't even given the option being that none of them were good enough quality. There was one that was borderline but they gave it a 10% chance of surviving thaw so obviously we were not about to spend $5,000 on a 10 % chance of it even thawing let alone transfer.
I feel really good about our two little embryos that were transferred though - they look pretty darn good to me and it only takes one to give us that baby we've been dreaming about!
I felt great after transfer and bed rest was uneventful, I had some minor cramping but it was barely noticeable. Today is my first day up and around I've somehow developed a cold which sucks. I certainly hope it doesn't effect my little embryos in any way. I haven't been taking any sort of cold medicine or anything but it still makes me worry a bit. I'm sure my body is just exhausted and then after laying down for two days straight...ugh.
On a brighter note, much of my bloating has gone down. Friday night was the worst and then it has slowly been going down since then. I have never drank so much water in my life! I've also been working hard on upping my protein and I think that helped a ton.
Now I just wait. I will have a blood test on Tuesday morning - only six days from now. Will I test before that? God only knows. I haven't bought a pregnancy test in years and I'm not sure I want to start now. Staring down at one line would probably break my heart in two.
Thanks for all your support. Please continue to think positive thoughts!!
It's so weird to think that after having 39 follicles, that is what we were left with! It took the whole freezing debate out of my hands because we weren't even given the option being that none of them were good enough quality. There was one that was borderline but they gave it a 10% chance of surviving thaw so obviously we were not about to spend $5,000 on a 10 % chance of it even thawing let alone transfer.
I feel really good about our two little embryos that were transferred though - they look pretty darn good to me and it only takes one to give us that baby we've been dreaming about!
I felt great after transfer and bed rest was uneventful, I had some minor cramping but it was barely noticeable. Today is my first day up and around I've somehow developed a cold which sucks. I certainly hope it doesn't effect my little embryos in any way. I haven't been taking any sort of cold medicine or anything but it still makes me worry a bit. I'm sure my body is just exhausted and then after laying down for two days straight...ugh.
On a brighter note, much of my bloating has gone down. Friday night was the worst and then it has slowly been going down since then. I have never drank so much water in my life! I've also been working hard on upping my protein and I think that helped a ton.
Now I just wait. I will have a blood test on Tuesday morning - only six days from now. Will I test before that? God only knows. I haven't bought a pregnancy test in years and I'm not sure I want to start now. Staring down at one line would probably break my heart in two.
Thanks for all your support. Please continue to think positive thoughts!!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Good report!
I received my first fertilization report yesterday and it was really good news! I think...
Of the 18 retrieved, 13 were mature eggs. They did ICSI on all 13 and 8 fertilized and started to grow. The embryologist said that they grade level 1 - level 3, 1 being the best, 2 good and 3 poor quality. She prefaced my report by saying that they mostly give out 2s and some 3s but very rarely give out 1s. Then she told me that of my 8, we had one level 1, one level 2+ (which is just shy of a level 1) and all the rest were level 2. NO level 3! Yay!
I am hoping that the report tomorrow is just as good and that they are growing strong. The embryologist was SO nice. She said I could call and check on them anytime before Saturday if I wanted but I decided to just wait it out. I can't do anything anyway so why add more stress, ya know?
I am so bloated and sore still! Ugh. I can't button my pants and it truly looks as though I am five months pregnant. I've been plopping myself down on the couch the minute I get home at night and don't move, other than to go to bed, until the next morning. I've also been drinking a TON of water. I mean, more than I have ever drank in my life. But it doesn't seem to be helping much. I started getting worried this morning that it wasn't normal so I called and the nurse assured me that it was very normal, especially after retrieving so many eggs. As long as I am not throwing up, having trouble breathing or peeing, I should be fine - and I'm all clear as far as those symptoms go. She told me to start taking 60-80 grams of whey protein a day as well as protein shakes and of course, water. It is so uncomfortable but hopefully it will all be worth it in a couple of weeks.
I had my first progesterone shot last night. I was bracing myself for pain but I actually didn't feel a thing and today I am not sore at all. I'm sure this is bound to change but so far, so good. Today is also my last day of antibiotics and I am very glad for that - they just make me sort of yucky. Medications and me do not mix well which is pretty hilarious considering the circumstances!
I just have to make it through work today and then I am off until next Wednesday! I plan to relax as much as possible tonight and tomorrow. I'll probably head to the grocery store to stock up. Transfer is still scheduled for Sunday and then I'll be on bed rest Monday and Tuesday.
Please - oh PLEASE - let this work for us!!
Of the 18 retrieved, 13 were mature eggs. They did ICSI on all 13 and 8 fertilized and started to grow. The embryologist said that they grade level 1 - level 3, 1 being the best, 2 good and 3 poor quality. She prefaced my report by saying that they mostly give out 2s and some 3s but very rarely give out 1s. Then she told me that of my 8, we had one level 1, one level 2+ (which is just shy of a level 1) and all the rest were level 2. NO level 3! Yay!
I am hoping that the report tomorrow is just as good and that they are growing strong. The embryologist was SO nice. She said I could call and check on them anytime before Saturday if I wanted but I decided to just wait it out. I can't do anything anyway so why add more stress, ya know?
I am so bloated and sore still! Ugh. I can't button my pants and it truly looks as though I am five months pregnant. I've been plopping myself down on the couch the minute I get home at night and don't move, other than to go to bed, until the next morning. I've also been drinking a TON of water. I mean, more than I have ever drank in my life. But it doesn't seem to be helping much. I started getting worried this morning that it wasn't normal so I called and the nurse assured me that it was very normal, especially after retrieving so many eggs. As long as I am not throwing up, having trouble breathing or peeing, I should be fine - and I'm all clear as far as those symptoms go. She told me to start taking 60-80 grams of whey protein a day as well as protein shakes and of course, water. It is so uncomfortable but hopefully it will all be worth it in a couple of weeks.
I had my first progesterone shot last night. I was bracing myself for pain but I actually didn't feel a thing and today I am not sore at all. I'm sure this is bound to change but so far, so good. Today is also my last day of antibiotics and I am very glad for that - they just make me sort of yucky. Medications and me do not mix well which is pretty hilarious considering the circumstances!
I just have to make it through work today and then I am off until next Wednesday! I plan to relax as much as possible tonight and tomorrow. I'll probably head to the grocery store to stock up. Transfer is still scheduled for Sunday and then I'll be on bed rest Monday and Tuesday.
Please - oh PLEASE - let this work for us!!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Proud parent to 18 "babies"
Retrieval was yesterday and all went well. We were the first patients of the day and while it was ridiculously early - we had to be there by 6:30am - it was nice to be the only ones there. It felt more private and also that all the attention was on us which was nice for a change with this clinic.
DH and I went over to andrology together and after we took care of that, we went back to the IVF suite (love how they call it that) and met with the anesthesiologist and the doctor. This doctor was mine but I kind of liked her better so it was okay. I really don't like how much limited contact with the doctor they give you during IVF. I only saw him at our consult - otherwise it has just been one random nurse after another. For the amount of money we are forking over, the doctor's presense every now and then would be nice.
At just before 7:30am they took me back to the retrieval room while DH waited back in our "suite". I remember them putting the IV in my arm and that is about it. I woke up IN PAIN!! Wow, I was completely caught off guard at how painful the procedure was going to be. I expected a bit of pain and discomfort but what I woke up to was much more intense. The nurse gave me another dose of morphine in my IV and that took the edge off my left side but my right side was horrible still. It took the maximum amount of morphine they could give me to take the edge off my right (I think it was three or four doses). I was sweating and shaking and miserable until then. I did hear her talking to DH, although I was in and out of being able to concentrate. I heard her say that they retrieved 18 eggs! I was sort of hoping for 20 although I am not sure why but 18 is great and I am really happy with that number. The nurse also told me that there is more pain when they take a higher number of eggs out. I can't believe how much my right side hurt but I also rarely ovulate from my right side and that was the side that had 21 follicles so maybe it was just in freak out mode. Once she got my pain under control, I sipped some water and was told to get dressed. DH helped me out and wheeled me out and down to our car. I think we were on the road by 8:30am.
We had an hour drive home and by the time we arrived home, I pretty much headed to the bathroom and puke my guts out. I think it was all that morphine - ugh! After that, I went right to bed and slept for about 3 or 4 hours. I woke up feeling much better. I ate a little and slept on and off the rest of the afternoon/evening. I have to take four antibiotic pills a day for four days and those are making me pretty nauseous which kind of sucks.
Today, I am back at work but I am still hurting pretty bad and swollen/bloated. I cannot button my pants or it hurts too much. I have to dress up for work so I wore a long sweater and hoping my pants don't fall down. :)
Transfer is Sunday and I am waiting on pins and needles for our first embryo report which will be tomorrow. I really praying that they are growing well and that first phone call brings great news.
It's been a very long road but we are definitely in the home stretch...
DH and I went over to andrology together and after we took care of that, we went back to the IVF suite (love how they call it that) and met with the anesthesiologist and the doctor. This doctor was mine but I kind of liked her better so it was okay. I really don't like how much limited contact with the doctor they give you during IVF. I only saw him at our consult - otherwise it has just been one random nurse after another. For the amount of money we are forking over, the doctor's presense every now and then would be nice.
At just before 7:30am they took me back to the retrieval room while DH waited back in our "suite". I remember them putting the IV in my arm and that is about it. I woke up IN PAIN!! Wow, I was completely caught off guard at how painful the procedure was going to be. I expected a bit of pain and discomfort but what I woke up to was much more intense. The nurse gave me another dose of morphine in my IV and that took the edge off my left side but my right side was horrible still. It took the maximum amount of morphine they could give me to take the edge off my right (I think it was three or four doses). I was sweating and shaking and miserable until then. I did hear her talking to DH, although I was in and out of being able to concentrate. I heard her say that they retrieved 18 eggs! I was sort of hoping for 20 although I am not sure why but 18 is great and I am really happy with that number. The nurse also told me that there is more pain when they take a higher number of eggs out. I can't believe how much my right side hurt but I also rarely ovulate from my right side and that was the side that had 21 follicles so maybe it was just in freak out mode. Once she got my pain under control, I sipped some water and was told to get dressed. DH helped me out and wheeled me out and down to our car. I think we were on the road by 8:30am.
We had an hour drive home and by the time we arrived home, I pretty much headed to the bathroom and puke my guts out. I think it was all that morphine - ugh! After that, I went right to bed and slept for about 3 or 4 hours. I woke up feeling much better. I ate a little and slept on and off the rest of the afternoon/evening. I have to take four antibiotic pills a day for four days and those are making me pretty nauseous which kind of sucks.
Today, I am back at work but I am still hurting pretty bad and swollen/bloated. I cannot button my pants or it hurts too much. I have to dress up for work so I wore a long sweater and hoping my pants don't fall down. :)
Transfer is Sunday and I am waiting on pins and needles for our first embryo report which will be tomorrow. I really praying that they are growing well and that first phone call brings great news.
It's been a very long road but we are definitely in the home stretch...
Monday, April 5, 2010
The call me the Easter Bunny
Well, last you heard from me I had nine follicles. A good start, right? Well, it turns out my doctor knew what he was doing when he dropped my dosage because when I went in on Friday for my u/s I had 39 follicles. 21 on my right and 19 on my left. No wonder I was getting so uncomfortable!
They took me off all stimming meds and had me coast both Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday, things were looking a little scary and I spend much of the day crying. I thought for sure we were going to have to cancel the cycle. Last Monday my E2 was at 273 and by Saturday it was 3800! I was pretty much an emotional mess. I had a ton of follicles still but about 10 mature ones. The nurse sent me home to coast with orders to rest, drink a TON of water and eat protein. I did the best I could, all the while hoping and praying that we wouldn't have to cancel.
On Sunday, I went back for another u/s and blood draw and everything looked much better. I had 18 mature follicles, my lining was just over 17 and my E2 was around 3300. Whew!! I triggered last night at 7:30pm and today is my first day of no injections - yay! Retrieval is scheduled for 7:30am on Tuesday and I cannot wait. This last week has been a lot more emotionally and physically exhausting than I ever anticipated it to be.
I cannot believe how sore I am! It's no wonder since I have about 40 follicles and my ovaries are rubbing against each other - they've been calling them the kissing ovaries. I can barely button my pants, I am so bloated and even when they are buttoned they just hurt. My back is aching and I'm just so tired!
DH, who has been so wonderful in the months leading up to this, has sort of flaked out on me for some reason. I don't know what his issues are but he has not been very supportive or kind over the last few days. It really hurts a lot because I really, really needed him to be there for me and he just wasn't. I am so lucky that I have the best friend in the world or I don't know what I would have done on Saturday. I probably would have been rocking in a corner somewhere. She listening to me (which was the best thing she could have done for me) crying and venting all afternoon. Then, she brought me flowers, water, almonds, chicken and cheese - all good sources of protein! It just makes me feel really crappy that DH is supposed to be my true best friend and he just wasn't there. I shouldn't be trying so hard to make a baby for us - and doing it alone. It is very unfair. He made the decision to do IVF right along with me and nobody said it was going to be fun or easy. I'm the one putting my body through chaos - the least he could do would be to ask me if there is anything he could do to help. Ugh. Just what I need on top of everything else.
Well, wish me luck...by this time tomorrow, retrieval will be complete and I really, truly think we have a great shot at success.
They took me off all stimming meds and had me coast both Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday, things were looking a little scary and I spend much of the day crying. I thought for sure we were going to have to cancel the cycle. Last Monday my E2 was at 273 and by Saturday it was 3800! I was pretty much an emotional mess. I had a ton of follicles still but about 10 mature ones. The nurse sent me home to coast with orders to rest, drink a TON of water and eat protein. I did the best I could, all the while hoping and praying that we wouldn't have to cancel.
On Sunday, I went back for another u/s and blood draw and everything looked much better. I had 18 mature follicles, my lining was just over 17 and my E2 was around 3300. Whew!! I triggered last night at 7:30pm and today is my first day of no injections - yay! Retrieval is scheduled for 7:30am on Tuesday and I cannot wait. This last week has been a lot more emotionally and physically exhausting than I ever anticipated it to be.
I cannot believe how sore I am! It's no wonder since I have about 40 follicles and my ovaries are rubbing against each other - they've been calling them the kissing ovaries. I can barely button my pants, I am so bloated and even when they are buttoned they just hurt. My back is aching and I'm just so tired!
DH, who has been so wonderful in the months leading up to this, has sort of flaked out on me for some reason. I don't know what his issues are but he has not been very supportive or kind over the last few days. It really hurts a lot because I really, really needed him to be there for me and he just wasn't. I am so lucky that I have the best friend in the world or I don't know what I would have done on Saturday. I probably would have been rocking in a corner somewhere. She listening to me (which was the best thing she could have done for me) crying and venting all afternoon. Then, she brought me flowers, water, almonds, chicken and cheese - all good sources of protein! It just makes me feel really crappy that DH is supposed to be my true best friend and he just wasn't there. I shouldn't be trying so hard to make a baby for us - and doing it alone. It is very unfair. He made the decision to do IVF right along with me and nobody said it was going to be fun or easy. I'm the one putting my body through chaos - the least he could do would be to ask me if there is anything he could do to help. Ugh. Just what I need on top of everything else.
Well, wish me luck...by this time tomorrow, retrieval will be complete and I really, truly think we have a great shot at success.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Another call
Well, the nurse called again yesterday afternoon and said the doctor wanted to drop down my dosage again! I'm now down to 75 in Follistim and I started at 225. I really do feel that much of this has to do with the Easter holiday and that really rubs me the wrong way. Whatever, I just need to take a deep breath and pray that everything keeps progressing well and that the doctor knows what he is doing.
I am looking forward to my u/s tomorrow morning. I really, really hope that my follies are growing nicely and that I have even more than I did on Wednesday. I also hope they can give me an estimated retrieval day.
I can't believe how sore I am getting - my ovaries are extremely tender. I can't imagine how they are going to feel over the next few days. I am just trying to take it easy and drink as much water as I can.
Wish me luck tomorrow morning!
I am looking forward to my u/s tomorrow morning. I really, really hope that my follies are growing nicely and that I have even more than I did on Wednesday. I also hope they can give me an estimated retrieval day.
I can't believe how sore I am getting - my ovaries are extremely tender. I can't imagine how they are going to feel over the next few days. I am just trying to take it easy and drink as much water as I can.
Wish me luck tomorrow morning!
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