Well, it hasn't arrived yet but it will. Today is CD29 and I ovulated on CD 15 so today is the day. All boob soreness is officially gone and I have absolutely NOTHING in the way of symptoms. I am not even considering taking a pregnancy test because it is not worth the time and effort. This cycle did not work.
I have been very pleasantly surprised by my DH's full speed forward, positive attitude this cycle. I have felt more like a team with him than ever before and I was nervous that when this day came, his spirit would be crushed and it would all go down-hill from there. Not so. He told me yesterday that he wants to jump right back into another IUI cycle right away which pretty much shocked me. Unfortunately, the reality is that we'll have to wait at least one more cycle, if not two for that for a couple of reasons. One, we're heading to Ve*gas for (my) work tomorrow and would miss the first four days of the cycle so no baseline. No baseline us/ = no medicated cycle.
Also, we owe the clinic about $1,200 for this shitty failed cycle. Last time we had a balance, they did not let us start a new one until the old one was paid off. With Christmas coming, our car insurance and tabs (on both cars) due by the end of November as well as all our normal bills - I just do not see us paying in full right now. It'll probably have to be spread out over two months.
Another reason - I just emailed my regular doctor about possibly doing a laporascopy in the next month. I just found out that I met my yearly deductible which is $250 so if I have the procedure done before December 31, I'll save that much and truly, every little bit helps. I'm not totally sold on the lap but I sort of figure what do I have to lose?? Worst case scenario, everything looks great and then I'll know, once and for all, that I am fine and we are truly and completely dealing with Male Factor. I'm just a little nervous about the procedure itself -and of course, what 20% of it will cost because that is what I'll be paying for. Ugh. I hate, hate, hate the money associated with IF and not having any IF insurance. It SUCKS.
Like I said, I am heading to Ve*gas tomorrow morning for four days. DH is coming with me and I am really looking forward to getting away. I knew going into this cycle that we'd either be in Ve*gas celebrating our success or drinking away our sorrows. I guess it'll be the latter.
At least we'll get to soak up the sun for a short while! It is supposed to be 75-78 degrees there and I think it is 29 degrees here right now. Focus on the positives, right?? I have a favorite quote by Hell*en Kel*ler and it says this, " Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot not see the shadows." I don't think any quote could be more true for me right now. So, that is how I am going to (try) and approach the next few days. I can't promise more than that but while we are out in the desert, where it is sunny and warm I think I can do it.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I'm so scared
My best friend very subtly told me that she was on her second month without her IUD. After the horrible shock of those words, two things went through my mind. One, why didn't she tell me that she had decided to take it out? We tell each other pretty much everything. I can't believe she left this "minor" detail out. But then I realized that she KNEW it wasn't a minor detail. She was trying to protect me the best way she could, by not telling me. She was scared of how I would react. The second thought was thank God she isn't pregnant. Yet. (I knew this because she was talking of her period since getting her IUD out.)
I won't lie...I was biting my cheek and doing everything in my power to not start crying. I'm just so sad and so scared. She is my best friend - I do not know what I'd do without her in my life. Yet, I do not know how I am going to react when she is pregnant a month or so from now - and I'm not. She has two girls now, 2 yrs and 4yrs, both conceived on the first try. Actually, without even "trying" in both cases. She will be pregnant and it will be soon.
What makes this situation so much more difficult for me is that she KNOWS. She knows, secondhand, what I am going through. She knows that I will be SO upset when she conceives easily again. But what can she do? Put her life and dreams on hold to pacify me? Of course not. I don't expect that. It won't make it hurt any less.
When my other best friend, my sister, found out that she had an accidental pregnancy, my biggest fear about the whole situation was that she would give birth and I will STILL not be pregnant. Well, my sister is due in late January. That gives me two more chances after this cycle. The odds are against me. And now? I will be dealing with that birth and all of the million emotions that will accompany it as well as the news of my best friends (3rd) pregnancy.
How am I going to get through this? How am I going to get through this and still be a functioning person? How am I going to get through this and still be a good friend and sister? I'm not sure I can. I'm really at a low right now and I do not know how to put it all into perspective.
Why me? I know that sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am but, I keep asking God that over and over again. WHY? I think we are good people and good parents. We have a good marriage and a nice home. Why is having children so hard for us?
I think about my best friend and it instantly brings tears to my eyes. I am so angry! Not at her, not at all at her. But at how nice it must be to just decide you it's time for another baby and *snap* you're pregnant. How exciting and fun it must be to plan it out. I'm so angry because all the fun is gone for DH and I in this area and we'll never get it back.
In the time it took my best friend to have her two girls and (probably) get pregnant with her third, I have gone through a total of 41 failed cycles, a dozen thermometers, dozens and dozens of doctors appointments, vigorous testing, three IUIs, numerous medicated cycles and thousands of dollars in medical bills.
What next? What if I shrivel up into a little ball of self-wallowing? What then?
I won't lie...I was biting my cheek and doing everything in my power to not start crying. I'm just so sad and so scared. She is my best friend - I do not know what I'd do without her in my life. Yet, I do not know how I am going to react when she is pregnant a month or so from now - and I'm not. She has two girls now, 2 yrs and 4yrs, both conceived on the first try. Actually, without even "trying" in both cases. She will be pregnant and it will be soon.
What makes this situation so much more difficult for me is that she KNOWS. She knows, secondhand, what I am going through. She knows that I will be SO upset when she conceives easily again. But what can she do? Put her life and dreams on hold to pacify me? Of course not. I don't expect that. It won't make it hurt any less.
When my other best friend, my sister, found out that she had an accidental pregnancy, my biggest fear about the whole situation was that she would give birth and I will STILL not be pregnant. Well, my sister is due in late January. That gives me two more chances after this cycle. The odds are against me. And now? I will be dealing with that birth and all of the million emotions that will accompany it as well as the news of my best friends (3rd) pregnancy.
How am I going to get through this? How am I going to get through this and still be a functioning person? How am I going to get through this and still be a good friend and sister? I'm not sure I can. I'm really at a low right now and I do not know how to put it all into perspective.
Why me? I know that sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am but, I keep asking God that over and over again. WHY? I think we are good people and good parents. We have a good marriage and a nice home. Why is having children so hard for us?
I think about my best friend and it instantly brings tears to my eyes. I am so angry! Not at her, not at all at her. But at how nice it must be to just decide you it's time for another baby and *snap* you're pregnant. How exciting and fun it must be to plan it out. I'm so angry because all the fun is gone for DH and I in this area and we'll never get it back.
In the time it took my best friend to have her two girls and (probably) get pregnant with her third, I have gone through a total of 41 failed cycles, a dozen thermometers, dozens and dozens of doctors appointments, vigorous testing, three IUIs, numerous medicated cycles and thousands of dollars in medical bills.
What next? What if I shrivel up into a little ball of self-wallowing? What then?
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
8dpiui
And really nothing to report. Last night I felt like I had cramping in that area but who knows, it could be my subconcious knowing that it was prime implantation time or it could be the leftovers I had for dinner. As far as anything else? Nadda. No sore boobs, nothing.
I've still got a week to go but I can't even imagine that this will turn out positively and that scares the hell out of me. I've had one BFN too many and one more may just put me over the edge.
I've still got a week to go but I can't even imagine that this will turn out positively and that scares the hell out of me. I've had one BFN too many and one more may just put me over the edge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)