I'm soooooo sore and uncomfortable.
This has been kind of a strange month, TTC wise. I sort of wish I was temping, peeing on OPKs or having some sort of monitoring just out of curiosity. Wouldn't it be nice to have a little window to peak inside so we could just know what is going on? Gross, but nice just the same. At any rate, I continued to having cramping and bloating for another day after the last post on CD10 and then for a couple days - nothing. Last night, I was actually thinking that maybe I had ovulated way early or maybe wasn't going to at all.
Then I woke up this morning to extremely strong ovulation pains. It actually hurts to move around and is just very sore and achy. I believe that today is CD15. I really am not 100% sure (which is kind of refreshing) because I stopped counting after the Clomid days, then it was a weekend and today I forgot my calendar (that I write just about everything in, including my TTC info) in my car and have been too lazy to go and retrieve it. So, if I had to guess - I would guess that I am ovulating today, CD15. Just for the record.
But back to the weirdness of this month....I just think that I had a lot of side effects from Clomid that I haven't experienced before and I'm really not sure why. This is the third time I've taken it and the first two time, nothing in the way of side effects. I felt exactly the same except when I ovulated and then it was a bit more painful than usual, due to more than one egg releasing. But this month, I felt tired, nauseous and had a ton of headaches. I would wake up in the morning starving and if I didn't eat then I would get sick to my stomach. Also, I was really crampy and bloated. Weird. I wonder why this month gave me side effects but the other two didn't?
I've started to feel a bit better now, in the last day or so, but I'm still very, very sore in my uterus, ovary area. I'm just glad that I ovulated after all, not that I really didn't think I would but still. It's just been a strange cycle. But I am ovulating and our timing has been right now so I can only hope for the best. As usual.
No news on the job front but they did call and check my references this morning so I am sure I'll hear something soon.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A decision is looming
Last night, I took my final Clomid pill. Today, I feel as though my ovaries and/or uterus is going a bit crazy. As the day has gone on I have become bloated and very crampy and uncomfortable. Hmmm....I wonder what this means? Is the Clomid working overtime and I'm producing more follicles or is my body just responding quicker and I am going to ovulate early? I have no idea. Today is only CD 10 and I usually (never?) feel like this now - more like a CD13 or 14 feeling.
God, I hate over-analyzing. But what choice do I have? Something is definitely happening in my female parts.
In other news...I had a second job interview this morning with a wonderful company. If I get an offer (and I really think I may), I am going to be at a huge crossroads professionally. I work in marketing/advertising and for a "fun", entertainment, consumer driven company. This new position would be with a very corporate, "medical" type of company. I think I would be pretty bored, not time wise but content wise. But it is a GREAT organization, very well known nationally and very, very stable. Also, I have never heard a bad thing about it and everyone who works there seems to love it. To top it off, the benefits are better. Much better. And, I am pretty sure they have infertility coverage. I don't think it is full but probably 50% which would be great. Better than great.
On the down side, it is in a city south of where I live and it has taken me about 50-60 minutes to get there, park and get into the office building. No traffic, but still. Right now, I have about a 20 minute drive within my own town. Also, it is very professional. This intimidates me a bit because I am used to a fun, crazy type of group. We are very informal in many respects, although this informal, somewhat unprofessional atmosphere definitely has its drawbacks too. But I really, really like what I do. And I can blog at work if I want. And I have so much flexibility time-wise. I can pretty much pick my own hours within reason. And I've been here for over nine years and have five weeks vacation. I'd start over (possibily) with this new company. And long turn I would probably be better off in the vacation department with them but now, not so much.
I just sometimes hate so many things about this place, certain attitudes and egos and crazy political issues that I can't get into.
None of this probably makes a whole lot of sense because I am trying to be as vague as possible so no one can goo*gle me or whatever.
I guess I will just wait to see if I get the offer, see what the dollar amount would be and then decide. And negotiate - both here and there.
And back to my girl parts? Yep, still feeling them big time. Hmmm....
God, I hate over-analyzing. But what choice do I have? Something is definitely happening in my female parts.
In other news...I had a second job interview this morning with a wonderful company. If I get an offer (and I really think I may), I am going to be at a huge crossroads professionally. I work in marketing/advertising and for a "fun", entertainment, consumer driven company. This new position would be with a very corporate, "medical" type of company. I think I would be pretty bored, not time wise but content wise. But it is a GREAT organization, very well known nationally and very, very stable. Also, I have never heard a bad thing about it and everyone who works there seems to love it. To top it off, the benefits are better. Much better. And, I am pretty sure they have infertility coverage. I don't think it is full but probably 50% which would be great. Better than great.
On the down side, it is in a city south of where I live and it has taken me about 50-60 minutes to get there, park and get into the office building. No traffic, but still. Right now, I have about a 20 minute drive within my own town. Also, it is very professional. This intimidates me a bit because I am used to a fun, crazy type of group. We are very informal in many respects, although this informal, somewhat unprofessional atmosphere definitely has its drawbacks too. But I really, really like what I do. And I can blog at work if I want. And I have so much flexibility time-wise. I can pretty much pick my own hours within reason. And I've been here for over nine years and have five weeks vacation. I'd start over (possibily) with this new company. And long turn I would probably be better off in the vacation department with them but now, not so much.
I just sometimes hate so many things about this place, certain attitudes and egos and crazy political issues that I can't get into.
None of this probably makes a whole lot of sense because I am trying to be as vague as possible so no one can goo*gle me or whatever.
I guess I will just wait to see if I get the offer, see what the dollar amount would be and then decide. And negotiate - both here and there.
And back to my girl parts? Yep, still feeling them big time. Hmmm....
Monday, June 23, 2008
A need to control
When I was trying to conceive the first time around I started running. It gave me back some control in my life (or so I liked to think). It also was a great stress reliever and I started liking my body once again. I figured, if I wasn't going to get fat and pregnant, then I should look good! Anyway, I often used to run to the younger Simp*son sister. There was something about the underlying anger in her voice that pushed me as I ran and made me want to yell, "Yeah, F You!" to the world and more specifically, to infertility.
I ended up pregnant and due to hyperemesis (I couldn't catch a break if I tried), I quit running. I also quit listening to the junior simp*son. Plus her family scares me, but that's another post. It's been four years - four years! And I find myself back in that same mind frame. I need to control something, anything. I think it may be time to start running again. I dug through my old CDs and pulled out miss simp*son, cranked up the volume and sat here in my office feeling an odd sense of deja vu. Here I am again. And I think I need to do something or I may freak out. Or just wallow in self pity.
The only problem is, things have changed a little in the last four years so finding the time will be a bit harder. I now have a three year old that demands much of my time. Being a working mother, I like every spare minute with him in the evenings. By the time we get him to sleep (now that it's light out until 9pm) it is usually around 9pm. After working 8-9 hours, making supper, doing the bedtime routine, etc, I am usually wiped out. I'd rather sit on the couch and eat a Yo*rk pepper*mint patty which is my most favorite thing in the world but truly does nothing for my ass.
Also, we used to live in a residential neighborhood and so I would head right out the door and start running - it was very convenient. Now, we live outside city limits on a highway and it is not very condusive to running. I am required to get in my car and drive somewhere to run.
All excuses, I know. Plenty of other people find the time and I can too. I am going to try really hard to go tonight. I think once DH comes home I will let him play with Keegan and I'll go for an hour or so before dinner.
In other news, I did go ahead with another cycle of Clomid. Not the most exciting news but there it is just the same. I am on CD8 and so I have tonight and tomorrow left to take it. I'm not really thinking that it will do the trick but at least I'm not sitting idle. At least it is something. And spitting out two eggs (presumably) instead of one won't hurt our situation. DH and I still have not had the talk, the one where we decide what we are going to do. I'm sure we'll cross that bridge sometime soon but right now I am okay with waiting and not having a plan. I kept thinking that I'd like to try IUI again in September but now that is only one and a half cycles away and I'm not sure I'll be ready yet. Or that DH will, obviously. In my eyes, it is just that much closer to another disappointment and I don't think I am ready to face another one of those yet.
I ended up pregnant and due to hyperemesis (I couldn't catch a break if I tried), I quit running. I also quit listening to the junior simp*son. Plus her family scares me, but that's another post. It's been four years - four years! And I find myself back in that same mind frame. I need to control something, anything. I think it may be time to start running again. I dug through my old CDs and pulled out miss simp*son, cranked up the volume and sat here in my office feeling an odd sense of deja vu. Here I am again. And I think I need to do something or I may freak out. Or just wallow in self pity.
The only problem is, things have changed a little in the last four years so finding the time will be a bit harder. I now have a three year old that demands much of my time. Being a working mother, I like every spare minute with him in the evenings. By the time we get him to sleep (now that it's light out until 9pm) it is usually around 9pm. After working 8-9 hours, making supper, doing the bedtime routine, etc, I am usually wiped out. I'd rather sit on the couch and eat a Yo*rk pepper*mint patty which is my most favorite thing in the world but truly does nothing for my ass.
Also, we used to live in a residential neighborhood and so I would head right out the door and start running - it was very convenient. Now, we live outside city limits on a highway and it is not very condusive to running. I am required to get in my car and drive somewhere to run.
All excuses, I know. Plenty of other people find the time and I can too. I am going to try really hard to go tonight. I think once DH comes home I will let him play with Keegan and I'll go for an hour or so before dinner.
In other news, I did go ahead with another cycle of Clomid. Not the most exciting news but there it is just the same. I am on CD8 and so I have tonight and tomorrow left to take it. I'm not really thinking that it will do the trick but at least I'm not sitting idle. At least it is something. And spitting out two eggs (presumably) instead of one won't hurt our situation. DH and I still have not had the talk, the one where we decide what we are going to do. I'm sure we'll cross that bridge sometime soon but right now I am okay with waiting and not having a plan. I kept thinking that I'd like to try IUI again in September but now that is only one and a half cycles away and I'm not sure I'll be ready yet. Or that DH will, obviously. In my eyes, it is just that much closer to another disappointment and I don't think I am ready to face another one of those yet.
Friday, June 13, 2008
The end of another "perfect" cycle
Today I am on CD28. I am bloated, crampy and my boobs are sore. The last few days, I've been PMSing big time. Hmmm...I wonder what is on the horizon?
I find it so amazing that each month (cycle) I have textbook cycles, with an average (and almost always) ovulation day of CD14 and 28 day cycles. I ovulate completely on my own and even two great sized eggs while on Clomid. I have great rise and fall of my temps each month (although I haven't temped in a few months). I am TEXTBOOK yet we cannot conceive.
Is it morphology? Meaning, is that truly our only problem? It seems so crazy that something as "minor" as that is keeping us from conceiving. The last time DH was tested his morphology was poor but not god awful. I think it was around 4%? I'd have to go back and look. His count and forward progression has always been considered good. It's just such a hard pill to swallow. I hear all these stories about women who don't ovulate or don't ovulate regularly and it just seems that with my cycles, we would not have so much damn trouble!! It's almost been two years!! I just get so angry.
I sometimes wonder if it could be an egg quality issue? Who knows. It may very well be morph alone and we just have shitty luck. Does it matter? The end result is the same. No baby.
So, tomorrow will most definitely be CD1 and will mark the end of yet another cycle - another "perfect" cycle, which also had the help of Clomid and where I probably produced more than one egg. WTH? I have a refill for another Clomid prescription in my purse and I'm seriously debating if I should use it next cycle or not? Does anyone know how many cycles in a row one can be on Clomid? Does it matter? Maybe I should take a month off and then try again in August? I can't decide.
Also, I'm debating about asking DH to do another (and possibly final) IUI attempt in September. In my heart of hearts I'd like to give it one more shot. I know it is our best option for a positive result and before we completely throw in the towel on medical intervention I would like to try one last time. I just don't know what his reaction will be. We've had a few comments fly back and forth over the last few weeks - him saying things such as he has accepted the idea that we'll only have Keegan or that he hates IUI and that it was worthless. I've said things along the line that I adamantly want one more baby and I'm not done trying yet. So, these comments have been going back and forth a bit but we've never truly talked about any of it. I think both of us sense another fight coming on with that topic.
I just don't think I can give up yet. I think if I gave in and we never had another child that I would be very unhappy and would never be fully happy...is that dramatic? I'm not trying to be, but that is how I feel right now.
I am the oldest of five girls, I'm 31 and they range in years from 19-26. They are all just starting that phase of their lives - marriage, babies, etc. Selfishly, that means multiple sister pregnancies in my future. That scares the shit out of me. I cannot imagine feeling the loss of never having another baby and then watching my sisters produce over and over again (possibly). Oh my god, it makes my heart start racing just thinking about it. Again - dramatic? Maybe but those are my thoughts and feelings right now.
Again, anyone have thoughts on Clomid and how many months in a row one should take it? Are there any side effects that I should know of for multiple months on it? I would be starting month three of Clomid.
I find it so amazing that each month (cycle) I have textbook cycles, with an average (and almost always) ovulation day of CD14 and 28 day cycles. I ovulate completely on my own and even two great sized eggs while on Clomid. I have great rise and fall of my temps each month (although I haven't temped in a few months). I am TEXTBOOK yet we cannot conceive.
Is it morphology? Meaning, is that truly our only problem? It seems so crazy that something as "minor" as that is keeping us from conceiving. The last time DH was tested his morphology was poor but not god awful. I think it was around 4%? I'd have to go back and look. His count and forward progression has always been considered good. It's just such a hard pill to swallow. I hear all these stories about women who don't ovulate or don't ovulate regularly and it just seems that with my cycles, we would not have so much damn trouble!! It's almost been two years!! I just get so angry.
I sometimes wonder if it could be an egg quality issue? Who knows. It may very well be morph alone and we just have shitty luck. Does it matter? The end result is the same. No baby.
So, tomorrow will most definitely be CD1 and will mark the end of yet another cycle - another "perfect" cycle, which also had the help of Clomid and where I probably produced more than one egg. WTH? I have a refill for another Clomid prescription in my purse and I'm seriously debating if I should use it next cycle or not? Does anyone know how many cycles in a row one can be on Clomid? Does it matter? Maybe I should take a month off and then try again in August? I can't decide.
Also, I'm debating about asking DH to do another (and possibly final) IUI attempt in September. In my heart of hearts I'd like to give it one more shot. I know it is our best option for a positive result and before we completely throw in the towel on medical intervention I would like to try one last time. I just don't know what his reaction will be. We've had a few comments fly back and forth over the last few weeks - him saying things such as he has accepted the idea that we'll only have Keegan or that he hates IUI and that it was worthless. I've said things along the line that I adamantly want one more baby and I'm not done trying yet. So, these comments have been going back and forth a bit but we've never truly talked about any of it. I think both of us sense another fight coming on with that topic.
I just don't think I can give up yet. I think if I gave in and we never had another child that I would be very unhappy and would never be fully happy...is that dramatic? I'm not trying to be, but that is how I feel right now.
I am the oldest of five girls, I'm 31 and they range in years from 19-26. They are all just starting that phase of their lives - marriage, babies, etc. Selfishly, that means multiple sister pregnancies in my future. That scares the shit out of me. I cannot imagine feeling the loss of never having another baby and then watching my sisters produce over and over again (possibly). Oh my god, it makes my heart start racing just thinking about it. Again - dramatic? Maybe but those are my thoughts and feelings right now.
Again, anyone have thoughts on Clomid and how many months in a row one should take it? Are there any side effects that I should know of for multiple months on it? I would be starting month three of Clomid.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Rain, rain, go away.
Thank you all so much for being such wonderful "friends". I had a particularly rought night last night and I'm in a bit of a funk this morning so for me to see all of your comments really made my morning. It is just so nice to know that I am not alone. Because it sure feels that way sometimes. Last night, DH went to bed (after an evening of him being crabby just short with me) I was lying in our dark living room listening to the thunder and rain outside and I truly felt like I was the only one in the world. I need to snap out of this!!
I just feel so helpless and somewhat out of control right now. Of course, most of it has to do with infertility but also my job is a big mess right now. It seems that if you can't have both at the same time then at least one of either your personal life or your work life should be going good. Both of mine kind of suck right now. Sigh.
I keep thinking that my "break" is just around the corner. And maybe it is but that corner sure seems like a long way off right now.
Sunshine would help. I can't remember the last time it has been sunny? Lately, all it does around here is rain and storm and rain some more. I LOVE a good storm but this weather is getting out of hand. It is depressing. A full day of warmth, soaking in the sun is exactly what I need.
I just feel so helpless and somewhat out of control right now. Of course, most of it has to do with infertility but also my job is a big mess right now. It seems that if you can't have both at the same time then at least one of either your personal life or your work life should be going good. Both of mine kind of suck right now. Sigh.
I keep thinking that my "break" is just around the corner. And maybe it is but that corner sure seems like a long way off right now.
Sunshine would help. I can't remember the last time it has been sunny? Lately, all it does around here is rain and storm and rain some more. I LOVE a good storm but this weather is getting out of hand. It is depressing. A full day of warmth, soaking in the sun is exactly what I need.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Life goes on
I haven't been updating and I guess that is because I don't know what to say.
I've been dealing with the aftermath of my sister spilling the beans to the family as well as helping her move forward with wedding plans. She told our family last weekend and I won't lie. It was pretty tough. Not on her, but on me. Our family was suprised but very supportive and even excited. Why wouldn't they be? A wedding and a new baby? Those are fun and exciting events in a family. The wedding? I'm super excited about. The baby? I am so damn jealous that it almost makes me sick. I just can't help it. I am SO jealous and I cannot stop wishing it would happen to me too. I keep imagining the day that her baby is born and still not being pregnant and how devestating that would be. And how unfair to her that would be - to have me, her sister, being completely selfish on such an important day. Not that I'd ever in a million years let on that I was feeling that way. Just like now, I'm acting like mary sunshine about it all when deep down I feel like there is a big gaping hole in my heart.
I guess that is why I am throwing myself into helping plan her wedding. I can focus on that and how much fun it'll be. I can seperate the baby from the wedding and show true excitement about it. I'm also working on planning a wedding shower and that's fun too.
Life goes on and I'm trying to be thankful for what I do have because it is a lot more than many people have. I have a wonderful husband and an amazing little boy and we are all doing well. I have a good job and a nice house. I have a loving family and support system. Summer is almost here and it is ever so slowly warming up around here. I can't wait until it is hot and humid (I'm weird, I know. It must be the long, cold MN winters that make me long for humidity).
I wish I could be fully content with one child but I'm not. And it isn't about Keegan, he is wonderful and the absolute light of my life. But, I do feel in my heart of hearts that someone is missing from our family.
We're not complete yet.
I've been dealing with the aftermath of my sister spilling the beans to the family as well as helping her move forward with wedding plans. She told our family last weekend and I won't lie. It was pretty tough. Not on her, but on me. Our family was suprised but very supportive and even excited. Why wouldn't they be? A wedding and a new baby? Those are fun and exciting events in a family. The wedding? I'm super excited about. The baby? I am so damn jealous that it almost makes me sick. I just can't help it. I am SO jealous and I cannot stop wishing it would happen to me too. I keep imagining the day that her baby is born and still not being pregnant and how devestating that would be. And how unfair to her that would be - to have me, her sister, being completely selfish on such an important day. Not that I'd ever in a million years let on that I was feeling that way. Just like now, I'm acting like mary sunshine about it all when deep down I feel like there is a big gaping hole in my heart.
I guess that is why I am throwing myself into helping plan her wedding. I can focus on that and how much fun it'll be. I can seperate the baby from the wedding and show true excitement about it. I'm also working on planning a wedding shower and that's fun too.
Life goes on and I'm trying to be thankful for what I do have because it is a lot more than many people have. I have a wonderful husband and an amazing little boy and we are all doing well. I have a good job and a nice house. I have a loving family and support system. Summer is almost here and it is ever so slowly warming up around here. I can't wait until it is hot and humid (I'm weird, I know. It must be the long, cold MN winters that make me long for humidity).
I wish I could be fully content with one child but I'm not. And it isn't about Keegan, he is wonderful and the absolute light of my life. But, I do feel in my heart of hearts that someone is missing from our family.
We're not complete yet.
Monday, June 2, 2008
And the hits just keep coming
Sorry to be so negative but you'll just have to bear with me for a bit.
This morning my newly pregnant sister called me to help her out. She was looking online at her prenatal/maternity insurance benefits and was confused. I'm her big sister, I've been through this before and she needed my help. Of course, I acted happy to help. Even though I wanted to stab a pencil in my eye. I went online and went through it step-by-step for her - and to her credit, it was a bit confusing how it was written. Anyway, I got her all set and then out of curiousity (stupid me), I decided to check her infertility coverage. Just for the fun of it. I guess I needed another little slap in the face from the powers that be because guess what? She has AWESOME infertility coverage. Of course she does, because she'll never need it. Isn't that how it works?
Then, in the midst of having a pity party for myself I get another phone call. It was my best friend (who has been through IF with me every step of the way and is SO sensitive to my feelings, she is the only fertile person I know who gets it). She was calling to tell me that our good friend, J, had her baby. No big shock on my part, I knew J had a scheduled C-section for today. So fine. No big deal. Until, I asked the dreaded question. What did she name her? My best friend went silent. She knew what she was about to tell me would send me over the edge and it did. My friend, J, named her new baby girl my name. The name that I've been saving and keeping close to my heart FOREVER for when I had a little girl. Once my best friend told me I was immediately angry. Irrational? Yes. Completely. I mean, what are the odds that I'll even have a baby period, let alone a girl? Slim to none. I'm still angry. Because that was my name. And now it is hers. And she has a real live baby to give it to. I just have a dream. An impossible one at that, remember?
So, I meet my mother for lunch (bad idea) and bring up J naming her baby my name (bad idea). Of course, my mother, who doesn't even pretend to be empathetic about our IF says, "Hmmm..." and then changes the subject. It was like I never even mention it. The least, the very least she could have done was say, "Oh, that sucks! I'm sorry!" But nope. None of that from the woman who had six children effortlessly. At least my best friend knew. She knew how upset I would be - especially with the recent development concerning my sister.
Ugh. I'm tired. And mad. It's been a shitty Monday.
This morning my newly pregnant sister called me to help her out. She was looking online at her prenatal/maternity insurance benefits and was confused. I'm her big sister, I've been through this before and she needed my help. Of course, I acted happy to help. Even though I wanted to stab a pencil in my eye. I went online and went through it step-by-step for her - and to her credit, it was a bit confusing how it was written. Anyway, I got her all set and then out of curiousity (stupid me), I decided to check her infertility coverage. Just for the fun of it. I guess I needed another little slap in the face from the powers that be because guess what? She has AWESOME infertility coverage. Of course she does, because she'll never need it. Isn't that how it works?
Then, in the midst of having a pity party for myself I get another phone call. It was my best friend (who has been through IF with me every step of the way and is SO sensitive to my feelings, she is the only fertile person I know who gets it). She was calling to tell me that our good friend, J, had her baby. No big shock on my part, I knew J had a scheduled C-section for today. So fine. No big deal. Until, I asked the dreaded question. What did she name her? My best friend went silent. She knew what she was about to tell me would send me over the edge and it did. My friend, J, named her new baby girl my name. The name that I've been saving and keeping close to my heart FOREVER for when I had a little girl. Once my best friend told me I was immediately angry. Irrational? Yes. Completely. I mean, what are the odds that I'll even have a baby period, let alone a girl? Slim to none. I'm still angry. Because that was my name. And now it is hers. And she has a real live baby to give it to. I just have a dream. An impossible one at that, remember?
So, I meet my mother for lunch (bad idea) and bring up J naming her baby my name (bad idea). Of course, my mother, who doesn't even pretend to be empathetic about our IF says, "Hmmm..." and then changes the subject. It was like I never even mention it. The least, the very least she could have done was say, "Oh, that sucks! I'm sorry!" But nope. None of that from the woman who had six children effortlessly. At least my best friend knew. She knew how upset I would be - especially with the recent development concerning my sister.
Ugh. I'm tired. And mad. It's been a shitty Monday.
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