Bracing myself for the inevitable

Last night I was sitting at Keegan's swimming lessons and I was SO crabby. Everyone I looked at was bugging me and I was stewing about some work things and dreading the next two weeks because they are just so busy. And then it hit me. PMS. I am totally PMSing.

Shit.

I know I still have five days left but I know my body well enough to know how it works. I am right on par with any other negative cycle. Swell.

It's not like I had much hope in me anyway. But even a little hope is hard to let go of and hard to get over.

The thing that I am currently struggling with the most is this...when and how do you stop? I've been talking about this for awhile, gearing up for the fall when I am pretty sure we are going to quit. But how? I was thinking that if this was my last cycle (which it isn't quite yet) then how do I just shift gears and ignore my cycles? How do I just not think about fertile days or timing sex? How do I truly let go? I think that is going to be SO hard to do. I won't go back on birth control for a couple of reasons but mostly because it all makes me so sick. I also can't imagine doing something as permanent as DH having a vasectomy. But eventually, we'll have to talk about that. As much as I want another baby, I do not want one at 50, you know? Not that I am close to 50 but I'm just saying.

I'm rambling, I know. But I truly wonder, after actively trying for almost 50 cycles, how do you just stop?

Infertilty does NOT do a body good.

I am so crampy. I'm not sure what is going on. I felt ovulation pains on Saturday and Sunday and that makes sense but yesterday and today I've felt super crampy as well. Very strange. I wonder if my ovaries are just complaining. I did ovulate one follicle on each side. Oh well, it is always something and I get so sick of over analyzing every little detail.

I need to get into some sort of work out routine. I am not feeling happy with my body at all lately and really need to bite the bullet and do something about it. Problem is, I am always worried about how it'll effect my cycle. I was told not to get my heart rate up for an extended time after an IUI because that can hurt implantation. Who knows if that is actually true or not but I always think, why take the risk?

I decided that if I get my period then that is it. No more excuses - I will start running again. Regardless if we decide to do another IUI or not. Hell, I was running 3-5 times a week when I conceived Keegan.

It's not like I am overweight. I am 12-15 pounds heavier than when I conceived Keegan - five years ago. I should probably lose about 10 pounds to make myself feel better about my body and then basically just tone. I feel like I have no definition anymore and I hate it. I used to love my stomach and never thought twice about showing it off in a swimsuit. Now? I hate it and cover it as much as I can. And my butt? Well, it is just not good. Everything fits much tighter than it used to in that area. Ugh. Depression, treatments, fertility drugs and lack of exercise is just not a good combo.

Exercise, and especially running for me, is such awesome stress relief and I really think I could use that right now. I don't feel like, "Oh my God, I am so stressed out!!" but I can feel that my plate is so full right now. I feel like there is just not enough time in my day anymore and this makes exercising even more difficult because when? When do I take the time for it? Maybe if I didn't work 55 hours a week or didn't care if I put my son to sleep every night. But I do.

So, there is my vent for the day. Not sure where that came from?

IUI #5? Check.

Sorry for the delay - things have been so busy here and I haven't had two seconds to sit down and dedicate time to a post. Unfortunately, I don't have much time now either but I'll see how much I can get down.

IUI #5 was on Saturday morning. I had gone for another u/s on CD13 and had two dominant follies (why does that third one always stop growing??). They were a bit smaller than she would have liked, at 17 and 18, but the appointment was at 10am and she thought by 10pm, they would be ready for trigger. It made me a bit nervous but I know she is right and that 12 hours can make a big difference. Let's hope it was the right decision.

I triggered at 10pm on Thursday night and then went in for our IUI at 10am on Saturday. Everything went well and now I wait....

I still am doing my best to put this cycle on the back burner. I just do not want to go through the god-awful let down that I went through last time. I know it'll probably happen regardless but I am doing my best to hold hope at arm's length.

I do know that if this cycle isn't successful that I'll probably take the rest of the summer off. That's how I feel right now but as you all know, everything is subject to change. I've never done cycles back to back. Is that a good thing? Or not? Hmmmm...

I must also say that the drug I trigger with - Nova*rel? It went from $60 to $128. What the hell is up with that?? I can't believe there was a 50% increase in cost over two months? Anyone else have any experience with that? God, I hate not having infertility coverage!!

I cannot believe we are on our fifth IUI. Time flies when you are having fun, huh?

And so it goes...

Today is CD11 and I just got back from my u/s. All looks good so far - I have one good sized follicle on the right size and two smaller, but still good sized follicles on the left. She said the largest was measuring at 13mm so I go back on Thursday, CD13, for another check and then I'll most likely trigger Thursday night with an IUI on Saturday. Thus far, it appears to be almost the same situation as last cycle - follicle count, timing, etc. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all three follicles continue to grow nice and big and that none of them fall back at all. Unlikely, but I can still hope I guess.

Walking into my appointment I was thinking about all the different emotions I was feeling: hope, indifference, annoyance, excitement, exhaustion. I think I am still mostly numb because indifference seems to have won out. I do have some hopefulness somewhere in me but that just goes with the territory. You hear from your doctor that everything looks great and it just springs up. Unfortunately, I've been hearing the same for years and it hasn't done me any good. Therefore, indifference wins.

I'm not feeling anything in the area of my ovaries yet but I'm sure that will be changing. I have definitely had more headaches this time around - I'm sure it is the Clomid. It has been hard not to take any ad*vil for them. I did break down once last week but I only took 400mg and I figured it was still pretty early for it to hurt anything and obviously it didn't because she said my lining looked good. I think Clomid bothers me more with each cycle. I also wanted to mention that I started taking Muc*inex yesterday too. My doctor said it can help with CM and counteract the damage that Clomid can do (in regards to drying things out). I'm taking three pills a day through ovulation. I guess it is worth a shot.

So, that's all for now. I'll know more on Thursday but from the looks of it, it is pretty much the same as it has been. Nothing new or exciting.

Why I keep trying

I'm going to blink and this guy is going to be all grown up. Sniff, sniff. I can't believe how fast it all goes. I want another child for my own selfish reasons and we all know what those are but I truly want a sibling and friend for Keegan. I want him to experience that bond and all the shared memories that go along with growing up together.

Every day I think of what a miracle he is and every night I look at his sleeping face and thank God for his existence. I'm so lucky to be his mom and no matter what happens, I am so grateful for that opportunity. He made me a mother and that is the best gift I have ever been given.

Here we go again

We did decide to start another IUI cycle this time. I went in on Monday (CD3) for my baseline u/s and all looked good. Same protocol as last time, Clomid for CD3-7 and another u/s on CD11. We did decide to stick with our local clinic and doctor. Actually, DH was the one who was all for it and I just decided that I didn't care. It is SO much easier schedule-wise and I am to the point where I am not sure it matters. I kind of figure that IUI hasn't worked for us thus far, will it ever? The chances are pretty slim and I know that. I know that IVF is our best option at this point but again, we're just not going to go there. I did ask again (I have no idea why I feel compelled to ask this EVERY time) if there was any thing we should be trying or doing different with IUI and of course, the answer is no. It's this or IVF.

I'm just pretty numb this time around. Isn't it funny how each cycle brings different emotions? I am not going to throw myself into it this time, in hopes of not being so disappointed. If I think too much about IF then I just get SO angry and I am not in the mood to deal with all that anger right now. I am just going with the flow and doing my best to ignore the fact that getting pregnant is such a huge and ridiculous challenge for us.

Random thoughts for the beginning of another cycle

Today is CD1. Mother nature blessed me with yet another period this morning, no big surprise there. I am pretty sure we are going to do another IUI this cycle and the reality of it is, it could very well be our last. If not our last, definitely our second to last. How do I feel about that? Numb. At least for today.

Today is a miserable day weather-wise. It's cold (50 degrees in June!), dark and rainy. It fits mood and makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Unfortunately, that was not in the plans today. DH and I took Keegan to the Science Museum and it was a great way to spend a crappy weather day. Keegan had a blast and made me smile a dozen times. I needed that. I needed a nice family day with my boys.

I'm pretty much "done" with my natural healings. At least for now. I'll get into that in another post but I really enjoyed my time with Dr. G. Who knows?

Have you seen that show about those women who had no idea they were pregnant?? Does this show make anyone else feel like throwing things at the TV? I don't know if is because of IF or because I suffered from hyperemesis during my pregnancy or if it is just because I have a brain but I do NOT understand those women and their stories. Give me a break!

I guess that is all I have in me right now. It's just one of those days where I have so much to say/write but can't seem to find the words.