No matter where you go, there you are.

Never has this saying been as true for me as it has the last year. Actually, it's been the last 16 months but who's counting.

I am infertile. Again.

I've been here before. My husband and I tried for 18 months to conceive our first child and by some stroke of luck or divine intervention or something we did conceive, unexpectedly and naturally.

You see, I was once told that my husband and I would never have children naturally. Oh, did I mention that I was told that over the phone. Very casually by a doctor that I never spoke to again after that conversation, by the way. Because seriously? What the hell kind of doctor tells their patient somethign like that over the phone? Mine apparently.

Anyway, back to the whole no kid thing. Yes, it turns out that my husband has a morphology problem. At that time it also appeared that he had a super low count but we later found out the low count was a lab screw-up (another reason I never talked to the above doctor again). Unfortunately, the low morph was for real.

We switched to a new clinic and DH went to a Urologist who confirmed the low morph (which is unexplained) but offered us hope. He thought we were the perfect candidates for IUI. We were one or two cycles before our first IUI when I found out I was pregant.

After a rough start to the pregnancy due to severe hyperemesis, I gave birth to a healthy son, Keegan. The absolute light of my life and a boy to his very core. He keeps me extremely busy and allowed me to temporarily forget about the absolute shittiness that is infertility for a good 20 months or so. In fact, I think I had myself convinced that we never really had an infertility problem to begin with - that because we conceived naturally then those stupid doctors must have been wrong all along. Turns out, I was just tricking myself, playing games with my own mind because here I am 16 months later and I am finding myself in the exact same place as I was before:

Infertile. Pissed off. Sad. Crabby. Hopeful. Hopeless. Anxious. Wanting.

Of course, it is a bit different this time around because of Keegan. He is the greatest kid in the world and makes every day brighter just by being in it. But having him in my life only makes me want another baby that much more - not just for DH and I this time - but for him as well. He deserves to have a sibling, a friend, someone to share memories with and grow up with. I grew up with four sisters and I can't imagine what being an only child would be like. I don't want him to miss out on all that goes along with a sibling.

I'm starting this blog to document and vent about infertility. In two weeks we plan to undergo our first IUI. My hope is that it'll be successful and I can happily end this blog at that time.

I'm not holding my breath.