I still can't fully wrap my brain around it. I can't believe that she is pregnant. She is doing much better and is slowly (albeit slowly) getting used to the idea. Her boyfriend is ecstatic and they are thinking of getting married in July. I think all the pieces will come together for them.
But me? Well, I am adjusting too but I fear that it'll take me a bit longer. The reality of what will happen in the months to come scares me. I want to be happy for her and excited but I am so dang jealous! And the pressure! I went from a peaceful TTC break to this ridiculous urgency to get pregnant. My sister is not helping in that department. With every conversation comes the words, "You HAVE to get pregnant too!!" She is bound and determined that I get knocked up and go through all of it with her. Of course, she is scared. I get that. I just wish it was as easy as decided that I will get pregnant too.
And no, she really doesn't know the extent of what DH and I are going through with infertility. She doesn't know and the little bit of info I've offered, she doesnt' get. Why would she? Look at the condition she is currently in. All she knows is that if she has to go through all this, she wants me to as well. And prior to this, I didn't talk about it with her because it was so irrelevant to her life. She was in college, then graduating and starting her life, getting her first real job and buying a house. TTC and babies were not crossing her mind.
The thing that I haven't mentioned yet? I'm almost embarrassed to say it. I've been through this once before. Another one of my unmarried (although much more unprepared) sister also got pregnant very unexpectedly when I was TTC the first time around. It was awful then and it is awful now. In fact, the day that she gave birth was the day that my then doctor told me that we'd never be able to conceive naturally. Imagine learning that little tidbit of information while trying to be a supportive birthing coach for my unmarried sister who got knocked up accidentally. I remember taking a break at one point and going into this dark hallway and bawling my eyes out over the unfairness.
Because it is unfair. But that's life, isn't it? It isn't my sister's fault I cannot get pregnant. I'm her big sister and her friend and of course, I will be there for her. I will be her biggest support system, be planning her shower and love that baby like crazy. Because I love her, and she deserves all the happiness and excitement that comes with being pregnant.
I just can't believe that this is happening. It feels so personal and I keep questioning God and why this is happening. Right or wrong, I just can't help it.
Did I mention I am ovulating? Either last night or today. I can feel it. Much like last month, it is very uncomfortable to ovulate more than one egg. Well, I am assuming I am ovulating more than one egg, I really wouldn't know. It just feels exactly like last month. Somewhat painful. And while I would love nothing more than to conceive this cycle, it just seems so impossible.
The impossible dream. It seems to be the story of my life.
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2 comments:
Hey....it sounds like we may be cycle buddies. I would write all about how wonderful it would be if we both got pregnant on our own this cycle and how great it would be to go through our second pregnancies together, because of course it would be, but all my infertility experience has me pretty jaded too. So instead of going on about that, I will just say you have someone to agonize over the 2ww of nothingness with.
As for your questions you asked about shoe shopping in my journal: I just moved Jacob to a size 9 a couple months ago so I am not in the market for a lot of shoes. He currently has two pairs of Crocs - he won't wear regular sandals because he is finicky like that, but thankfully Crocs are close-toed so they are okay to wear to daycare. He also has a pair of Stride Rite sneakers and a pair of brown Stride Rites that I have only managed to coerce him into wearing once for a few hours. He didn't pick them out - I did - so I guess he doesn't like them and refuses to wear them, which sucks since they are $50 shoes. I am actually going to take him out to get some Nikes or something tomorrow just so he has another pair of sneakers to rotate with his Stride Rites. I am definitely going to take him with me and have him pick them out so he will actually wear them! I have now learned my lesson. But I draw the line at character shoes. he has enough character t-shirts, but I am against character shoes for some reason. Anyway...that's probably more info on the subject than you were looking for!!!
Back to your post...I am thinking of you often. I am sorry this is happening to you. I know it feels like you're being kicked when you're already down. ((HUGS))
Leighann
I don't know that anything I can say will make you feel better - other than to let you know that what you are feeling is so understandable and ok. I've been through a very similar situation and in the moments that I wasn't doing the whole supportive "everything will be ok" dance, (because of course I totally loved the person going through it and simply had to shelf my own emotions in front of her), I too cried at the unfairness of it all and questioned how on earth life could be this ironic?
I'm so sorry for what you're going through....sending you huge cyber hugs and hoping that time will make this a little easier to bear.
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