Unless a Christmas miracle took place, I am about to enter another new year without being pregnant. I've been a pretty quiet blogger lately and I'm not really sure why that is. I guess because I have been taking some time off from TTC and therefore have not been completely wrapped up in my cycle, treatments or symptoms. And it has been a nice change of pace. Not nice enough to get out of the game for good just yet, but nice just the same.
I mentioned it before and I've been trying really hard to realize that there truly may not be a baby for me at the end of this road. I've been trying to envision a new reality with this outcome and what my life will look like. I've been trying to picture each one of my younger sisters as they continue to announce pregnancies - I have four younger sisters so that is A LOT of picturing. I've been doing everything within my mental power to be genuinely happy and at peace with the fact that my sister is going to have a baby in three weeks or less. As the result of an accidental pregnancy.
I've been trying. And most days? It works.
The only thing that I stumble upon is the idea that Keegan will never have a sibling. That just makes me so very sad and then I have to start trying all over again.
It's a lot of work.
There is so much to be thankful for in my life and I am blessed beyond words that I was able to experience pregnancy, birth and life with my amazing son. I focus on that and it puts so much into perspective. I still don't think it is fair, but I am trying to accept that I have no control over any of this. Hell, I am trying accept period.
This new year will bring another IUI, maybe two and, of course, hope. It also brings a hard reality - if we are not successful in the next couple of cycles, this year will bring with it the end of TTC. The end of a dream.
I really hope it does not end that way. But it might. And that is what I am busy doing during this quiet time. Mentally preparing. Of course, I've also been working like crazy, hosting Christmas, spending time with family and eating a ton. But you get the picture.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Happy Holidays? I think not.
Things have been busy here. My new position is very time consuming, DH has been flying quite a bit more than usual - he was on a four day flight last week and leaves again tomorrow for a three day flight, and well, it is the holiday season. So, busy? Yes.
To add to the chaos, I haven't liked DH very much lately. In my opinion, he's just been a jerk. When he is home, that is. He is moody, in general. He gets it from his dad although God forbid if I ever say anything like that to him because he "is NOTHING like his dad!" - only he is. So, he goes in phases of being grumpy at the world and here we are, smack dab in the middle of one of those lovely phases. I find that I am less and less tolerant of these phases. I just don't like him right now and don't have time for his BS so I completely ignore him as much as possible. But it still nags at me to the point where it almost ruins my day and then I get angry. Because why should my husband's foul mood ruin my day? It's stupid and unfair.
I'm not going to even get in to the issues that set him off. Just know, that they are not anything outside the ordinary crap that we all deal with. He just has a shitty way of dealing with the problems and his emotions. And he definitely takes out his frustrations with me and by being a big jerk.
Also? I am sick of bleeding. I had my lap on 12/2 - exactly a week ago and I am still bleeding. I am guessing (?) that I now have my period. It was due tomorrow but with all the commotion, I am guessing it was jump started? I have no idea. I spotted off and one for a few days after my surgery and then stopped for a couple. Then, as of Sunday, it started up pretty heavy. I am not sure what to think. I also have cramping on top of the already sore and bruised organs in that area - topped off with my two incisions that are still healing. That whole area?? Yeah, it is off limits! God. This only ads to DH's crappy mood I am sure. Although, why should I care about that?? I am the one that has to deal with all the crap that is happening to my body.
I was talking to my best friend the other day and she pointed out that I had said I was tired about five times in our short conversation and that in her opinion, I was mildly depressed. She said it sarcastically but seriously and she is right. I am depressed and stressed.
'Tis the time of year, huh?
To add to the chaos, I haven't liked DH very much lately. In my opinion, he's just been a jerk. When he is home, that is. He is moody, in general. He gets it from his dad although God forbid if I ever say anything like that to him because he "is NOTHING like his dad!" - only he is. So, he goes in phases of being grumpy at the world and here we are, smack dab in the middle of one of those lovely phases. I find that I am less and less tolerant of these phases. I just don't like him right now and don't have time for his BS so I completely ignore him as much as possible. But it still nags at me to the point where it almost ruins my day and then I get angry. Because why should my husband's foul mood ruin my day? It's stupid and unfair.
I'm not going to even get in to the issues that set him off. Just know, that they are not anything outside the ordinary crap that we all deal with. He just has a shitty way of dealing with the problems and his emotions. And he definitely takes out his frustrations with me and by being a big jerk.
Also? I am sick of bleeding. I had my lap on 12/2 - exactly a week ago and I am still bleeding. I am guessing (?) that I now have my period. It was due tomorrow but with all the commotion, I am guessing it was jump started? I have no idea. I spotted off and one for a few days after my surgery and then stopped for a couple. Then, as of Sunday, it started up pretty heavy. I am not sure what to think. I also have cramping on top of the already sore and bruised organs in that area - topped off with my two incisions that are still healing. That whole area?? Yeah, it is off limits! God. This only ads to DH's crappy mood I am sure. Although, why should I care about that?? I am the one that has to deal with all the crap that is happening to my body.
I was talking to my best friend the other day and she pointed out that I had said I was tired about five times in our short conversation and that in her opinion, I was mildly depressed. She said it sarcastically but seriously and she is right. I am depressed and stressed.
'Tis the time of year, huh?
Friday, December 5, 2008
Still here, still not pregnant
Sorry that I've been MIA but I've had a lot going on and also have been ignoring IF as much as possible.
First, I got a promotion at work! Yay! This is something that I have been seeking for a long time and truly had pretty much given up any hope of it happening. Then, unexpectedly - it did. Life is weird that way and I've been trying to use that situation to put other parts of my life into perspective - but I'll get into that some other time. The bottom line with the promo - more money. More money makes the costs of IF treatments a little bit easier to swallow. I guess.
Second, I hosted Thanksgiving at our house. It was a good time and nice to hang out with family but it was also a lot of work! I took the day off before to clean and prepare and then spend the entire day after cleaning once again for my sister's baby shower which was the Sunday after T-day.
Third, my sister's baby shower. Yes, because I love to torture myself, I was the host. Actually, I didn't have too much of a choice as she not so much as asked me but told me that she wanted me to be the host. So, I was. I did pretty well, all things considered. I invited my best friend and made sure I always had eye contact with her so that I could let her know that I hated every minute of it. At any rate, having my BF there made everything more bearable. And as far as she goes...I have not heard an inkling of pregnancy from her. But I'm guess she is - or just about to find out. Gulp.
Fourth, I had a pelvic laporascopy. My doctor decided to go ahead with this to rule out any unknowns with me - cysts, scarring, endo, blocked tubes, etc. Guess what? Everything checked out perfectly. Yet another test that I aced. I don't know how I feel about that either. I mean on one hand, I am so glad that there is nothing wrong with me and we do not have another obstacle to face. On the other hand, I was hoping for some solid reason why we weren't pregnant - something they could FIX. Not so much.
We really, truly are faced with Male Factor IF due to low morphology. It seems so weird to me that his stupid low morph is what has kept us from getting pregnant for over TWO years. Especially considering there has been at least one egg, sometimes more every single cycle of that two years. Crazy when you think of all the people out there who get pregnant without even remotely trying. Like my sister.
The lap went pretty well and wasn't as painful as I feared it would be. Part of that, I'm sure, is because my doctor didn't have to do much work in there. Everything looked great so she just poked around a bit and flushed out my tubes (which were not blocked) and closed me up. I was only out for about an hour. The procedure was only on Tuesday so I am still sore and tired. My belly button incision is bothering me the most because it is always rubbing against the waistline of my pants so matter what I do. The gas bubbles that travel up to my neck and shoulders aren't much fun either. But overall, I'm fine and it wasn't bad at all.
We're taking a couple weeks off of TTC. Well, technically, I am on CD 24 and I'm not really sure if I'll get a real period now or not? If I do stay on schedule, our next chance at TTC would be over Christmas Eve and Day...hmmm....maybe a Christmas miracle? LOL. Yeah right. Once I see if my cycle is still on track and I make some pretty big payments to our RE, we are probably looking at another IUI after the first of the year. Happy 2009. Or whatever. I can't believe we are going into another year and still aren't pregnant.
In the meantime, I am going to focus on letting my body heal and enjoying the holidays with my family. Count my blessings and all that crap. :)
First, I got a promotion at work! Yay! This is something that I have been seeking for a long time and truly had pretty much given up any hope of it happening. Then, unexpectedly - it did. Life is weird that way and I've been trying to use that situation to put other parts of my life into perspective - but I'll get into that some other time. The bottom line with the promo - more money. More money makes the costs of IF treatments a little bit easier to swallow. I guess.
Second, I hosted Thanksgiving at our house. It was a good time and nice to hang out with family but it was also a lot of work! I took the day off before to clean and prepare and then spend the entire day after cleaning once again for my sister's baby shower which was the Sunday after T-day.
Third, my sister's baby shower. Yes, because I love to torture myself, I was the host. Actually, I didn't have too much of a choice as she not so much as asked me but told me that she wanted me to be the host. So, I was. I did pretty well, all things considered. I invited my best friend and made sure I always had eye contact with her so that I could let her know that I hated every minute of it. At any rate, having my BF there made everything more bearable. And as far as she goes...I have not heard an inkling of pregnancy from her. But I'm guess she is - or just about to find out. Gulp.
Fourth, I had a pelvic laporascopy. My doctor decided to go ahead with this to rule out any unknowns with me - cysts, scarring, endo, blocked tubes, etc. Guess what? Everything checked out perfectly. Yet another test that I aced. I don't know how I feel about that either. I mean on one hand, I am so glad that there is nothing wrong with me and we do not have another obstacle to face. On the other hand, I was hoping for some solid reason why we weren't pregnant - something they could FIX. Not so much.
We really, truly are faced with Male Factor IF due to low morphology. It seems so weird to me that his stupid low morph is what has kept us from getting pregnant for over TWO years. Especially considering there has been at least one egg, sometimes more every single cycle of that two years. Crazy when you think of all the people out there who get pregnant without even remotely trying. Like my sister.
The lap went pretty well and wasn't as painful as I feared it would be. Part of that, I'm sure, is because my doctor didn't have to do much work in there. Everything looked great so she just poked around a bit and flushed out my tubes (which were not blocked) and closed me up. I was only out for about an hour. The procedure was only on Tuesday so I am still sore and tired. My belly button incision is bothering me the most because it is always rubbing against the waistline of my pants so matter what I do. The gas bubbles that travel up to my neck and shoulders aren't much fun either. But overall, I'm fine and it wasn't bad at all.
We're taking a couple weeks off of TTC. Well, technically, I am on CD 24 and I'm not really sure if I'll get a real period now or not? If I do stay on schedule, our next chance at TTC would be over Christmas Eve and Day...hmmm....maybe a Christmas miracle? LOL. Yeah right. Once I see if my cycle is still on track and I make some pretty big payments to our RE, we are probably looking at another IUI after the first of the year. Happy 2009. Or whatever. I can't believe we are going into another year and still aren't pregnant.
In the meantime, I am going to focus on letting my body heal and enjoying the holidays with my family. Count my blessings and all that crap. :)
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