Starting to feel it...

I don't really know what to write about right now because I'm in such limbo. I can't really write about infertility because, well, I feel as though I've said just about everything I can say about it over the last six years. It sucks and is not fair, there is nothing left for me to say that I haven't already.

I can't write about treatments or where I currently am in my cycle because I am not doing any treatments and I don't even know what CD it is, nor do I care.

I can't write about our plans for the near future, IF wise, because I don't know. And at this point, I don't care.

Actually, I really haven't been thinking of IF much at all lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm just taking it as it comes. I am making plans for the upcoming year that have absolutely nothing to do with IF or TTC and it feels good.

I am joining a gym and planning a schedule that will allow me to take a few fitness classes. I am helping my sister with her wedding plans next May, including bridesmaid dress shopping. We picked out dresses this week and have plans to get fitted in early November and for once, I am not worried about the possibility of being pregnant during either the fitting or the wedding.

I bought two bottles of wine for this weekend (we're heading to the cabin), I didn't even think twice about it or try and figure out where I'll be in my cycle.

I have decided that we are taking at least one very adult only type of vacation to somewhere warm this winter and I am so excited. It's been five years since we've done this sort of trip. I'd also like to plan a long weekend getaway with my husband for sometime this fall. Our schedules have been so busy that we really haven't had any quality alone time in ages.

I'm thinking ahead to fall (my most favorite season!) and working on my photography. I'm waiting for the leaves to change and for Keegan to start preschool again. I'm school shopping and signing him up for swimming lessons. I'm looking forward to the busy days of summer coming to an end and having some weekends with absolutely nothing scheduled for a change.

I'm getting used to thinking of Keegan as an only child and working on being okay with it. I'm thinking of holidays and birthdays and family vacations as a family of three. I am taking deep breaths when I get frustrated and learning to count the blessings that I do have.

No where in any of these thoughts or plans does another IUI cycle cross my mind. Not in any real "I need to make a plan" form anyway.

It really feels as though we may be done. Does it feel like that to you too?

Still here, still undecided

I'm still here, still undecided. Although...I may be very close to choosing a path. I've been giving it a lot of thought and I'm really starting to think that I may be done. Maybe not totally done "trying" naturally because I'm still not sure how I would do that. When you can strongly feel yourself ovulate, it is very hard to ignore and not TTC. BUT I may not do another IUI or any other medical treatment. I can't say that for sure quite yet but it is starting to feel more and more like the right thing. I am tired.

Work has been so busy and that has been taking much of my time. I've also been working on my photography hobby and having a lot of fun with that. My adorable niece is giving me my baby fix and somehow being around her give me peace. She is six months now and just so much fun. My best friend is due in about three weeks and I am looking forward to that as well. I am excited to meet her baby but I am also excited that she will no longer be pregnant and I will never again have to go through her being pregnant (can you say selfish!?) because this is her last baby.

I'm looking forward to the fall and the change of seasons. For some reason it feels like it will be a new beginning or a fresh start. Of what? I do not know, that is just how it feels to me. I feel as though I am waiting but I'm not exactly sure for what.

This fall will also bring the last year of preschool for my little boy. I cannot believe we are a year away from him starting kindergarten! He is getting so big and I cannot believe it. It all goes so fast. He has lost most of his baby fat (chubbiness) and is now tall and long and lean. It is very bittersweet.

So, not much to report. I don't know what CD day it is. I am not in the middle of a treatment. I do not have any symptoms or counts to report. I still don't know what path I am going to take.

For now, I just am.

Long time, no post.

Sorry, I've been MIA. I'm having a tough time. Another month has gone by, another failed natural cycle and I find myself on a path looking forward at three directions.

I can quit. I can be done with this nonsense, once and for all. I can wash my hands of the heartache, sadness, anger and unfairness of it all. I can stop living my life in two week increments. I can accept the hand we were dealt and move forward knowing that this is our fate. We are and will be a family of three and that is that. I can plan vacations and weekends and make future plans that have nothing to do with what time of month it is or that take into account that there is always the chance that I could be pregnant. I won't have to spend another dime on just the slight chance of getting pregnant. No more talk of sperm washing or follicles. No more fertility drugs that screw with my hormones.

I won't have to worry about puking my guts out for five months straight or sleepless newborn nights or losing baby weight. I won't have to go through potty training or terrible twos again. I'll be done with daycare costs forever in one year.

In some ways, this path sounds wonderful. I could be free.

OR

I can continue with IUIs. I think of quitting and while it sounds great in so many ways, one thought keeps popping into my mind. Someone is missing. I just feel it in my bones and maybe it is wishful thinking? Maybe some remnants of hope leftover from each cycle? Or maybe it is just the shadow of infertility that is bound to follow me around for the unforeseen future. I'm not sure but I feel it. There is someone missing from our family. And it is that feeling that makes me want to try one more time. And then one more time again. It is the one thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel.

When it comes to getting pregnant, there are huge three reasons that I want it more than anything. One, I want to give Keegan a sibling. I want it so much that it brings tears to my eyes. Two, I want to feel life move inside of me again. Three, I want to give birth again. It is the most powerful and meaningful experience one could ever have. Of course, there are a million other reasons but those are at the top. To never have any of those come to fruition just makes me so sad.

But - I am sick sick of going through the IUI regiment. It's ridiculous, really. I truly think that if it was going to work, it would have by now. I have had five perfect IUI cycles, good follicle counts, good lining, good timing and no success. So, I can keep trying but why? And for how long? I could add injectables but why? Maybe I could have a successful cycle but at what price? I do not want multiples. I do not want four or six babies. I am scared to take that chance. It is unfair that I should have to. Are my choices really to either not have a baby or to have a litter of them? That sucks. The injectable route does not feel right, it just feels scary.

OR

I can do IVF. I know in my heart of hearts that this is our best chance for success. Then again, that is what I thought with IUI and look where that got us. It seems with each new step, you feel that you'll find success. That is not true. Just because we decide to do IVF does not mean that we'll end up pregnant. If we do IVF and miraculously end up pregnant, it does not mean we'll take home a baby. Just because you do IVF does not guarantee a happily ever after ending. It's spending $25,000 for a chance. A chance. I think of all the time, money, emotions, expectations and hopes that go into that chance and I cringe. Do I want to do that to myself and my marriage? Because after three unsuccessful tries and another year down the IF road, then what? What happens next and how do you pick up the pieces and move forward?

I could push my DH into this option that he is against. I could fight for it and give ultimatums. If it is succesful, I could look at him and say, "I told you so!!" but if it doesn't work, am I prepared to stand by my argument that this was the right path for us to take? No, I do not think I am. I do not have confidence in that decision.

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So, this is where I have been. Wandering through the forest, trying to figure out which path to take.