I've been thinking about posting for quite some time - months, really. I just haven't been sure where to start. When I last posted, we had been through the wringer. I was so emotionally and physically stressed and exhausted that I was just plain lost. After that last IUI, I decided that enough was enough. I really felt that in my heart of hearts we tried our hardest. Could it have happened for us if only we would have tried one more time? Possibly. But I could no longer live my life that way - in cycles.
I'm not an overly religious person and I do not go to church on a regular basis but I always felt that I had a strong personal faith in God. After that last IUI, my faith was pretty non-existent. To top it off and to diminish what little faith I had left, on the day that I got my period I also found out my sister was pregnant. Two weeks later while I was still trying to swallow that news, I found out she was pregnant with twins (unexpectedly, non-fertility drugs, naturally conceived twins!). At the time I looked at it as a cruel joke from God. I mean, here I am - trying for over four years to have baby #2 and instead of giving me a baby, he laughs at me, gives me the finger and gives her two babies right away. Why?
I still don't have an answer for that. But, I've come a long way from where I was last fall. I don't know if acceptance is the right word but what I somehow learned to do (or maybe had to do) was to turn it over. I decided that maybe I would never learn why but I just could not carry all that weight on my shoulders anymore. Each time I thought about the why or the unfairness of it all, I turned it over to "someone" else. God, or whoever. Someone else can carry that weight and I can move on with my day. I don't know if I am explaining it correctly but that is what I did. It started minute by minute, moved on to hour by hour and eventually day by day, where it remains.
I have made some sort of peace with the fact that we will remain a family of three and I will never have another baby. I don't want to downplay it by saying it is okay because I don't think the pain associated with infertility is ever okay but what I will say is that I am so very blessed to have my son. I am so grateful for his existence in my life and when I look at his face, I couldn't ask for more. He is healthy and perfect.
I still see pregnant women and think to myself, "you are SO lucky". I still see newborn babies and feel sad. I still pass the exit to my RE and think of the possibilities that lie down that road. But it is getting better. And most days, I am very content with where I am at. I truly am.
I have a stronger relationship with my husband now than ever before. We had a very long journey down the road of infertility and we had some VERY rough times with IF. But now? We are great. I think we are both in the same place, walking hand in hand and I really feel that we have become a strong team. I'm proud of us and all that we've gone through. It didn't end the way either of us had hoped but it did end and for that I am thankful. I am happy to be beyond that sharp, raw pain - happy to not be cycling any longer. Happy to have control back in my life and in my marriage.
So, here I am. Healing, from a long battle with infertility. I would like to get back into blogging, I have missed it. But I'm just not sure where I fit in anymore or what words I have to share. Maybe I won't post again for another year...or maybe I'll just slowly start typing again and see where it leads me?
