I don't know what 2010 will bring for our family. Especially in terms of conceiving. I do know that as I reflect on 2009, I am grateful that I got to share it with my son and husband. I am grateful for the wonderful little family that I do have. I am so blessed to have both of them in my life and despite what it may sound like (from time to time) in this blog, I do feel blessed. I have the most wonderful and amazing son anyone could ask for and if there is one resolution for myself this year that will stand out from the rest it will be this: I will work harder to not take once second with him for granted. He is truly a miracle and I am just so lucky to be him mommy.
Speaking of my son...we went to the dentist this week for his six month check up and guess what the x-rays revealed? His six year molars are just below the surface of his gums. Also? His bottom front teeth are just starting to wiggle. I was/am freaked! First of all, he is only four (and a half) and second, he is my baby! What is this talk of loosing teeth and molars? I cannot believe how quickly the time goes!! By this time next year he will be in Kindergarten and will no longer have all his baby teeth. Sniff. Sniff.
He is so much fun right now and maturing so quickly. We have such great conversations together and he cracks me up with his sense of humor. I've been saying it since he was just a baby but his sense of humor is one of his best qualities. He jokes and laughs all the time. Therefore, making me laugh all the time. He is so darn easy to love.
We had a nice Christmas together. It was busy (as it usually is) and I was not graced with a Christmas miracle since my period showed up on Christmas Day morning. But I did get to spend a lot of time with our families and DH, Keegan and I had a very quiet and relaxed Christmas morning, spent alone with just the three of us. It was my favorite Christmas memory of the year.
Like I said, I do not know what 2010 will bring. But I hope, it'll bring another year of health and happiness to our little family of three.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
So this is Christmas...
Another year over, a new one just begun. (Or whatever the lyrics are.)
I just wanted to do a quick update since I'll be away from the computer for about a week. I really appreciate all the advice and support - it truly helps. DH and I have had little bits of "the talk" here and there. I'm sure we'll have the big sit down very soon, probably after the craziness of Christmas.
I can debate over and over in my head but the bottom line is this: I want to give Keegan a sibling. Above everything else, I want that. And if IVF is our last ditch effort to give him the chance of having a brother or sister well, I guess that is what I want to do. I want to give it a shot. It'll be a tough pill to swallow if it isn't successful and that really scares me but that is just part of the deal. It is what it is. I will cross that bridge when/if we get there. Now, I just have to see where DH is at.
I'm off to spend several days off with my wonderful son and husband and I am really looking forward to it. I need to work on getting my Christmas spirit back and Keegan is just the one who could do it for me.
I just wanted to do a quick update since I'll be away from the computer for about a week. I really appreciate all the advice and support - it truly helps. DH and I have had little bits of "the talk" here and there. I'm sure we'll have the big sit down very soon, probably after the craziness of Christmas.
I can debate over and over in my head but the bottom line is this: I want to give Keegan a sibling. Above everything else, I want that. And if IVF is our last ditch effort to give him the chance of having a brother or sister well, I guess that is what I want to do. I want to give it a shot. It'll be a tough pill to swallow if it isn't successful and that really scares me but that is just part of the deal. It is what it is. I will cross that bridge when/if we get there. Now, I just have to see where DH is at.
I'm off to spend several days off with my wonderful son and husband and I am really looking forward to it. I need to work on getting my Christmas spirit back and Keegan is just the one who could do it for me.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I think I'm depressed
I have been doing a lot of soul searching about our situation and in the process and I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed. It sounds really stupid to say it that way. I think I've handled the last three years pretty well, all things considered. I have this blog where I vent about all things IF related but in real life? You would never know - unless you were my husband or best friend. I do not talk about it. With those two (husband and best friend) I have hit lows and highs. They've seen me cry, become angry, laugh, joke, and sulk but I've never truly felt depressed. Until now.
Now I find myself somewhere between despair and numbness. I feel so sad that I am sure I should start sobbing at any minute but I don't. It's like I feel so much that I can't feel anything and I'm sure that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel. I'm just not doing very well right now.
Like I said, I've been soul searching and really trying to dig deep to figure out which path we should take. I think that if we opt not to do IVF that someday, maybe one year from now or maybe 10 years from now, I will greatly regret not trying. I also know that if we end up pregnant from this IVF cycle, there will be no regrets about giving it one last shot. So, my decision should be clear, yes?
It's not. I still can't bring myself to talk to DH about it or say it aloud. I haven't call to speak to the financial coordinator or completed the medical records release form. I haven't done a damn thing and I'm not sure why? Maybe because I am so angry that we have to make this decision or go through this process at all. Why do we have to decide to go through medically invasive procedures and pay thousands of dollars to have a baby. Why? Why us? It is not fair. And I'm still so scared of failure - of what it would do to my spirit and my marriage. It would be one very large hurdle to get over and while I know that we would, it doesn't make the process any less daunting.
Now I find myself somewhere between despair and numbness. I feel so sad that I am sure I should start sobbing at any minute but I don't. It's like I feel so much that I can't feel anything and I'm sure that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel. I'm just not doing very well right now.
Like I said, I've been soul searching and really trying to dig deep to figure out which path we should take. I think that if we opt not to do IVF that someday, maybe one year from now or maybe 10 years from now, I will greatly regret not trying. I also know that if we end up pregnant from this IVF cycle, there will be no regrets about giving it one last shot. So, my decision should be clear, yes?
It's not. I still can't bring myself to talk to DH about it or say it aloud. I haven't call to speak to the financial coordinator or completed the medical records release form. I haven't done a damn thing and I'm not sure why? Maybe because I am so angry that we have to make this decision or go through this process at all. Why do we have to decide to go through medically invasive procedures and pay thousands of dollars to have a baby. Why? Why us? It is not fair. And I'm still so scared of failure - of what it would do to my spirit and my marriage. It would be one very large hurdle to get over and while I know that we would, it doesn't make the process any less daunting.
Monday, November 30, 2009
$13,300 = 58% chance of success
Would you take those odds? Would you plop down $13k on a blackjack table knowing there is only a 58% chance of winning?
Going to our appointment was rough. I have been so numb to all of this for months now and so I was surprised that the second I sat down in the chair and our RE opened his mouth, I had instant tears in my eyes. What he said to us was no real surprise, there was nothing new for me to learn but for some reason I had a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. In fact, every time I give it any real time or though, I start crying. All of it is just so completely unfair. I know I need to get past that and accept our situation for what it is but it is just so hard. And going to that appointment was like having someone jabbing a big stick at an old wound. It hurt.
DH doesn't have an answer. He says he is a strong 50/50. Great, because that is exactly where I am at - a strong 50/50.
I honestly don't know what to do. I just wish someone would tell me and make the decision for me. I said that to my mom and her response was, "do it". That seems easy enough but it isn't that easy. It just isn't.
Because what if it doesn't work? Or...what if it works and we have twins? I can honestly say I don't want twins. Then I think, beggars can't be choosers and then I get mad because why am I considered a beggar? It's not our fault that DH was born with low morphology. Why the hell is that not considered a medical condition??? It is and it's bullshit. And yes, we can transfer just one embryo but our odds are better transferring two so that would be the smarter decision if we are only doing this one time. But I really, really don't want multiples. And I really, really don't want to pay $13k and go through all the emotions just to have it all fail. I can't image what it feels like to make a payment each month and have a constant reminder of failure and the loss of hope. I know a lot of people out there who do it but I'm just not sure I am strong enough to let go fo that huge range of emotions each time you sit down to make that payment, month after month.
You see? My mind goes around and around for hours like this if I let it. It is making me sick.
I'm trying to turn it over, let the right answer just come to me but so far, no luck.
I don't know.
Going to our appointment was rough. I have been so numb to all of this for months now and so I was surprised that the second I sat down in the chair and our RE opened his mouth, I had instant tears in my eyes. What he said to us was no real surprise, there was nothing new for me to learn but for some reason I had a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. In fact, every time I give it any real time or though, I start crying. All of it is just so completely unfair. I know I need to get past that and accept our situation for what it is but it is just so hard. And going to that appointment was like having someone jabbing a big stick at an old wound. It hurt.
DH doesn't have an answer. He says he is a strong 50/50. Great, because that is exactly where I am at - a strong 50/50.
I honestly don't know what to do. I just wish someone would tell me and make the decision for me. I said that to my mom and her response was, "do it". That seems easy enough but it isn't that easy. It just isn't.
Because what if it doesn't work? Or...what if it works and we have twins? I can honestly say I don't want twins. Then I think, beggars can't be choosers and then I get mad because why am I considered a beggar? It's not our fault that DH was born with low morphology. Why the hell is that not considered a medical condition??? It is and it's bullshit. And yes, we can transfer just one embryo but our odds are better transferring two so that would be the smarter decision if we are only doing this one time. But I really, really don't want multiples. And I really, really don't want to pay $13k and go through all the emotions just to have it all fail. I can't image what it feels like to make a payment each month and have a constant reminder of failure and the loss of hope. I know a lot of people out there who do it but I'm just not sure I am strong enough to let go fo that huge range of emotions each time you sit down to make that payment, month after month.
You see? My mind goes around and around for hours like this if I let it. It is making me sick.
I'm trying to turn it over, let the right answer just come to me but so far, no luck.
I don't know.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
IVF consult tomorrow
Well, tomorrow is the big day. We'll meet with our RE and ultimately decide what path we are going to take. I'm truly and completely sitting right on the fence. I have tried to look at this appointment more as closure rather than taking the next step in terms of having a baby.
Because really? I don't know if I want to do IVF or not. I've give this so much thought over the last few week and I go back and forth SO much.
If I could go through it and have a baby - the answer would be yes. Of that I am pretty certain. I am just so scared of going through the process only have it end with failure. I'm scared of what that will do to DH and I. To "us". I'm scared of making a payment every month for failure and being reminded constantly of it. I'm scared of surrendering all hope once and for all. And I truly, truly am not being intentionally negative, I am just being realistic. I am not naive about this process and I haven't been for a long time.
I'm also a bit scared for success. As much as I would love another child, I am also being realistic about what that means for our family and for me physically. For one thing, I had hyperemesis with Keegan and to go through that again scares the hell out of me. It was hard enough last time but this time I would have a five year old thrown into the mix and I couldn't just curl up in a ball and not function every day like I did last time. I know the end result is worth it, obviously, but it doesn't make the situation any easier at the time.
Also, financially, it will make a big difference. We'd have the expense of IVF and the expense of another child. Doubling daycare, buying diapers again, etc.
And can I just say how unfair it is that infertility is NOT covered on our insurance?? WTF? How is this not considered a medical condition? If we needed Via*gra, it would be covered. If I was a smoker and wanted to quit, it would be covered. Total bullshit as far as I'm concerned.
There are just so many details floating around in my head right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what I want to have happen tomorrow.
Because really? I don't know if I want to do IVF or not. I've give this so much thought over the last few week and I go back and forth SO much.
If I could go through it and have a baby - the answer would be yes. Of that I am pretty certain. I am just so scared of going through the process only have it end with failure. I'm scared of what that will do to DH and I. To "us". I'm scared of making a payment every month for failure and being reminded constantly of it. I'm scared of surrendering all hope once and for all. And I truly, truly am not being intentionally negative, I am just being realistic. I am not naive about this process and I haven't been for a long time.
I'm also a bit scared for success. As much as I would love another child, I am also being realistic about what that means for our family and for me physically. For one thing, I had hyperemesis with Keegan and to go through that again scares the hell out of me. It was hard enough last time but this time I would have a five year old thrown into the mix and I couldn't just curl up in a ball and not function every day like I did last time. I know the end result is worth it, obviously, but it doesn't make the situation any easier at the time.
Also, financially, it will make a big difference. We'd have the expense of IVF and the expense of another child. Doubling daycare, buying diapers again, etc.
And can I just say how unfair it is that infertility is NOT covered on our insurance?? WTF? How is this not considered a medical condition? If we needed Via*gra, it would be covered. If I was a smoker and wanted to quit, it would be covered. Total bullshit as far as I'm concerned.
There are just so many details floating around in my head right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what I want to have happen tomorrow.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
One step at a time
First of all, thank you so much for your support and caring words. I really needed to hear from you and know that I wasn't alone or crazy for feeling so messed up about all of this. I am having a really tough time "going there" again.
But.
I took a deep breath this morning and called my RE's office. I talked to a nurse about next steps for IVF and apparently she put out an "order" on me, which basically gets the ball rolling on their end. They'll send me all the IVF procedural and financial information via mail and I'll be on their call list for IVF scheduling. When they call, I can give them a yes or a no as to whether I would like to be scheduled. I was a bit surprised when she told me that I did not even need to see the doctor to move forward with IVF. It reminded me again of why I HATE fertility clinics. Because seriously? How backwards is that? It makes me feel like all they want is my money and they don't care if I am getting the proper treatment or not. Despite what she said, I scheduled an IVF conference with my RE and it is set for November 25. I put it off for awhile so I could give it more thought overall as well as start researching financing, shared risk, etc. I figure we can talk to Dr. K on the 25th and then decide, one way or another. Like you all said, I can say no at any point.
I also emailed another fertility clinic and asked them to send me IVF information as well. I googled the four clinics in the area last night and read every scrap of information on them and it seems as though they all have their good and bad but this one stuck out for some reason so I thought, why not? A lady from the clinic responded to my email within minutes telling me that they were having a free IVF seminar tonight and I was welcome to attend. I actually would love to go but the tonight part freaked me out. Plus, I'd obviously want DH to attend and he is out of town until Sunday. Unfortunately, the next seminar is November 12 and I will out out of town so I will have to wait until December 10 to attend. Maybe it is for the better, I've already got it in my head that IF - and that is a big IF - we decide to go down this path, it'll be after the first of the year anyway.
By the way, if anyone out there is from Minnesota and has any info or personal experience about IVF here (or I guess just in general), please let me know. I just want to make sure that we are making a very informed decision.
I've been pretty crabby all day and I know it is because of all this crap. It is like picking a scab.
But.
I took a deep breath this morning and called my RE's office. I talked to a nurse about next steps for IVF and apparently she put out an "order" on me, which basically gets the ball rolling on their end. They'll send me all the IVF procedural and financial information via mail and I'll be on their call list for IVF scheduling. When they call, I can give them a yes or a no as to whether I would like to be scheduled. I was a bit surprised when she told me that I did not even need to see the doctor to move forward with IVF. It reminded me again of why I HATE fertility clinics. Because seriously? How backwards is that? It makes me feel like all they want is my money and they don't care if I am getting the proper treatment or not. Despite what she said, I scheduled an IVF conference with my RE and it is set for November 25. I put it off for awhile so I could give it more thought overall as well as start researching financing, shared risk, etc. I figure we can talk to Dr. K on the 25th and then decide, one way or another. Like you all said, I can say no at any point.
I also emailed another fertility clinic and asked them to send me IVF information as well. I googled the four clinics in the area last night and read every scrap of information on them and it seems as though they all have their good and bad but this one stuck out for some reason so I thought, why not? A lady from the clinic responded to my email within minutes telling me that they were having a free IVF seminar tonight and I was welcome to attend. I actually would love to go but the tonight part freaked me out. Plus, I'd obviously want DH to attend and he is out of town until Sunday. Unfortunately, the next seminar is November 12 and I will out out of town so I will have to wait until December 10 to attend. Maybe it is for the better, I've already got it in my head that IF - and that is a big IF - we decide to go down this path, it'll be after the first of the year anyway.
By the way, if anyone out there is from Minnesota and has any info or personal experience about IVF here (or I guess just in general), please let me know. I just want to make sure that we are making a very informed decision.
I've been pretty crabby all day and I know it is because of all this crap. It is like picking a scab.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Never say never.
DH and I went out for a date on Saturday night and somehow stumbled into an infertility discussion. He actually brought it up and at first I was tempted to push it all aside but it turned out to be a really productive and interesting conversation. I cannot believe how far my DH has come on this crazy journey. I remember the days of anger and tears when it came to these discussion between us, we always seemed worlds apart. And now? Well, we've both been through the ringer and I guess that matured us in many ways. I've never doubted that DH wanted another baby but I always thought that deep down, he really didn't want one that bad. You know?
So, when I heard IVF come out of his mouth on Saturday night I just about fell off my chair. I was surprised...but also? I was not jumping for joy over the fact that we were having the discussion. I always thought that if DH suggested IVF (because I always thought the ball was in his court as far as IVF) that I would be so excited and ready to take that route. It turns out, I have SO many mixed feeling about it. Which I probably knew deep down and it is probably why I've never pushed IVF.
We haven't decided to do IVF or anything - we've more just peaking in the window of that possibility. I'm supposed to make an appointment with our RE to discuss options, costs, protocol, etc. The thing is - we decided this on Saturday and here it is Wednesday and I have yet to make the call.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of hoping, I've truly moved so far away from actively TTC in the last couple of months and I have been working so hard to make peace with our situation. IVF wasn't remotely on my radar and now all my thoughts are bumping around and getting tangled up together in my head. Money, timing, multiples, shots, financing, ultrasounds, shared risk (anyone?), ICSI (anyone?).
Oh God. I can't believe this is our reality. I cannot believe that we cannot make a baby like "normal" couples do. It is just so unfair.
I'll eventually make that appointment because if nothing else, it may be good closure. But what if it isn't? What if I walk away wanting to give it one more BIG try? What then?
So, when I heard IVF come out of his mouth on Saturday night I just about fell off my chair. I was surprised...but also? I was not jumping for joy over the fact that we were having the discussion. I always thought that if DH suggested IVF (because I always thought the ball was in his court as far as IVF) that I would be so excited and ready to take that route. It turns out, I have SO many mixed feeling about it. Which I probably knew deep down and it is probably why I've never pushed IVF.
We haven't decided to do IVF or anything - we've more just peaking in the window of that possibility. I'm supposed to make an appointment with our RE to discuss options, costs, protocol, etc. The thing is - we decided this on Saturday and here it is Wednesday and I have yet to make the call.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of hoping, I've truly moved so far away from actively TTC in the last couple of months and I have been working so hard to make peace with our situation. IVF wasn't remotely on my radar and now all my thoughts are bumping around and getting tangled up together in my head. Money, timing, multiples, shots, financing, ultrasounds, shared risk (anyone?), ICSI (anyone?).
Oh God. I can't believe this is our reality. I cannot believe that we cannot make a baby like "normal" couples do. It is just so unfair.
I'll eventually make that appointment because if nothing else, it may be good closure. But what if it isn't? What if I walk away wanting to give it one more BIG try? What then?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Taking it day by day
I dont know who I am, who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.
That song is playing in my office right now and I started thinking about that verse in terms of IF. Who am I if I am no longer fighting infertility? Because I seriously don't know.
One minute I am fine and the next I am pissed off. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am very content not to have another baby. And then? I see a pregnant woman walk by me and instantly think, "Lucky bitch!" Back to back opposite thoughts...so yeah, how am I doing?
I'm not sure what to write here because if I try to type out what I am feeling and where I am at with IF and what the "plan" is, I just can't do it. I don't know. Or I do know but it changes from day to day or sometimes minute to minute.
I think DH is just holding his breath, quietly, and waiting for me to drop the bomb. To either tell him out loud that "Yes, we are done!" or "Let's try one more time!" I know he supports whichever path I want to take but I just can't bring myself to talk about it out loud - to him or anyone. Every now and then he'll make a small mention to me about this or that and I basically say that I don't know and don't want to discuss it yet. We had one small conversation a few weeks (maybe longer?) back about what our "plan" is and I told him straight out that I am pretty sure I'm done but I'm not ready to commit yet. Therefore, I chose to not decide at this point and time but I promised that I wouldn't wait forever in not deciding either.
God, is this rambling enough? I'll stop.
I just don't know about anything.
All I know is that I should.
That song is playing in my office right now and I started thinking about that verse in terms of IF. Who am I if I am no longer fighting infertility? Because I seriously don't know.
One minute I am fine and the next I am pissed off. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am very content not to have another baby. And then? I see a pregnant woman walk by me and instantly think, "Lucky bitch!" Back to back opposite thoughts...so yeah, how am I doing?
I'm not sure what to write here because if I try to type out what I am feeling and where I am at with IF and what the "plan" is, I just can't do it. I don't know. Or I do know but it changes from day to day or sometimes minute to minute.
I think DH is just holding his breath, quietly, and waiting for me to drop the bomb. To either tell him out loud that "Yes, we are done!" or "Let's try one more time!" I know he supports whichever path I want to take but I just can't bring myself to talk about it out loud - to him or anyone. Every now and then he'll make a small mention to me about this or that and I basically say that I don't know and don't want to discuss it yet. We had one small conversation a few weeks (maybe longer?) back about what our "plan" is and I told him straight out that I am pretty sure I'm done but I'm not ready to commit yet. Therefore, I chose to not decide at this point and time but I promised that I wouldn't wait forever in not deciding either.
God, is this rambling enough? I'll stop.
I just don't know about anything.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I'm that girl
I feel like everyone around me (online) is turning up pregnant. And while I'm happy for them all - it still hurts. I know there are a few of you out who I haven't commented on yet (and how I consider good online friend) and please, please, please don't take it personally. I'm sorry I am being so selfish but don't give up on me, I just need to breathe for a moment. If it was one of you, it would be much easier to swallow but there have been five this week. Five! What is in the water you girls are drinking?? Please send some to me.
I'm just scared. I'm going to that girl. The one who didn't find success. The sad story that you mention to friends. The one who gets forgotten.
I used to have a long list of IF blogs that I read and now that list is almost gone (in the sense of those actively TTC). Don't get me wrong - that is great. Way better than the alternative. But still, it is hard to swallow for my own selfish sake.
35 cycles this time around - THIRTY FIVE. And? Nothing. Defeat.
I'm just scared. I'm going to that girl. The one who didn't find success. The sad story that you mention to friends. The one who gets forgotten.
I used to have a long list of IF blogs that I read and now that list is almost gone (in the sense of those actively TTC). Don't get me wrong - that is great. Way better than the alternative. But still, it is hard to swallow for my own selfish sake.
35 cycles this time around - THIRTY FIVE. And? Nothing. Defeat.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Starting to feel it...
I don't really know what to write about right now because I'm in such limbo. I can't really write about infertility because, well, I feel as though I've said just about everything I can say about it over the last six years. It sucks and is not fair, there is nothing left for me to say that I haven't already.
I can't write about treatments or where I currently am in my cycle because I am not doing any treatments and I don't even know what CD it is, nor do I care.
I can't write about our plans for the near future, IF wise, because I don't know. And at this point, I don't care.
Actually, I really haven't been thinking of IF much at all lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm just taking it as it comes. I am making plans for the upcoming year that have absolutely nothing to do with IF or TTC and it feels good.
I am joining a gym and planning a schedule that will allow me to take a few fitness classes. I am helping my sister with her wedding plans next May, including bridesmaid dress shopping. We picked out dresses this week and have plans to get fitted in early November and for once, I am not worried about the possibility of being pregnant during either the fitting or the wedding.
I bought two bottles of wine for this weekend (we're heading to the cabin), I didn't even think twice about it or try and figure out where I'll be in my cycle.
I have decided that we are taking at least one very adult only type of vacation to somewhere warm this winter and I am so excited. It's been five years since we've done this sort of trip. I'd also like to plan a long weekend getaway with my husband for sometime this fall. Our schedules have been so busy that we really haven't had any quality alone time in ages.
I'm thinking ahead to fall (my most favorite season!) and working on my photography. I'm waiting for the leaves to change and for Keegan to start preschool again. I'm school shopping and signing him up for swimming lessons. I'm looking forward to the busy days of summer coming to an end and having some weekends with absolutely nothing scheduled for a change.
I'm getting used to thinking of Keegan as an only child and working on being okay with it. I'm thinking of holidays and birthdays and family vacations as a family of three. I am taking deep breaths when I get frustrated and learning to count the blessings that I do have.
No where in any of these thoughts or plans does another IUI cycle cross my mind. Not in any real "I need to make a plan" form anyway.
It really feels as though we may be done. Does it feel like that to you too?
I can't write about treatments or where I currently am in my cycle because I am not doing any treatments and I don't even know what CD it is, nor do I care.
I can't write about our plans for the near future, IF wise, because I don't know. And at this point, I don't care.
Actually, I really haven't been thinking of IF much at all lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm just taking it as it comes. I am making plans for the upcoming year that have absolutely nothing to do with IF or TTC and it feels good.
I am joining a gym and planning a schedule that will allow me to take a few fitness classes. I am helping my sister with her wedding plans next May, including bridesmaid dress shopping. We picked out dresses this week and have plans to get fitted in early November and for once, I am not worried about the possibility of being pregnant during either the fitting or the wedding.
I bought two bottles of wine for this weekend (we're heading to the cabin), I didn't even think twice about it or try and figure out where I'll be in my cycle.
I have decided that we are taking at least one very adult only type of vacation to somewhere warm this winter and I am so excited. It's been five years since we've done this sort of trip. I'd also like to plan a long weekend getaway with my husband for sometime this fall. Our schedules have been so busy that we really haven't had any quality alone time in ages.
I'm thinking ahead to fall (my most favorite season!) and working on my photography. I'm waiting for the leaves to change and for Keegan to start preschool again. I'm school shopping and signing him up for swimming lessons. I'm looking forward to the busy days of summer coming to an end and having some weekends with absolutely nothing scheduled for a change.
I'm getting used to thinking of Keegan as an only child and working on being okay with it. I'm thinking of holidays and birthdays and family vacations as a family of three. I am taking deep breaths when I get frustrated and learning to count the blessings that I do have.
No where in any of these thoughts or plans does another IUI cycle cross my mind. Not in any real "I need to make a plan" form anyway.
It really feels as though we may be done. Does it feel like that to you too?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Still here, still undecided
I'm still here, still undecided. Although...I may be very close to choosing a path. I've been giving it a lot of thought and I'm really starting to think that I may be done. Maybe not totally done "trying" naturally because I'm still not sure how I would do that. When you can strongly feel yourself ovulate, it is very hard to ignore and not TTC. BUT I may not do another IUI or any other medical treatment. I can't say that for sure quite yet but it is starting to feel more and more like the right thing. I am tired.
Work has been so busy and that has been taking much of my time. I've also been working on my photography hobby and having a lot of fun with that. My adorable niece is giving me my baby fix and somehow being around her give me peace. She is six months now and just so much fun. My best friend is due in about three weeks and I am looking forward to that as well. I am excited to meet her baby but I am also excited that she will no longer be pregnant and I will never again have to go through her being pregnant (can you say selfish!?) because this is her last baby.
I'm looking forward to the fall and the change of seasons. For some reason it feels like it will be a new beginning or a fresh start. Of what? I do not know, that is just how it feels to me. I feel as though I am waiting but I'm not exactly sure for what.
This fall will also bring the last year of preschool for my little boy. I cannot believe we are a year away from him starting kindergarten! He is getting so big and I cannot believe it. It all goes so fast. He has lost most of his baby fat (chubbiness) and is now tall and long and lean. It is very bittersweet.
So, not much to report. I don't know what CD day it is. I am not in the middle of a treatment. I do not have any symptoms or counts to report. I still don't know what path I am going to take.
For now, I just am.
Work has been so busy and that has been taking much of my time. I've also been working on my photography hobby and having a lot of fun with that. My adorable niece is giving me my baby fix and somehow being around her give me peace. She is six months now and just so much fun. My best friend is due in about three weeks and I am looking forward to that as well. I am excited to meet her baby but I am also excited that she will no longer be pregnant and I will never again have to go through her being pregnant (can you say selfish!?) because this is her last baby.
I'm looking forward to the fall and the change of seasons. For some reason it feels like it will be a new beginning or a fresh start. Of what? I do not know, that is just how it feels to me. I feel as though I am waiting but I'm not exactly sure for what.
This fall will also bring the last year of preschool for my little boy. I cannot believe we are a year away from him starting kindergarten! He is getting so big and I cannot believe it. It all goes so fast. He has lost most of his baby fat (chubbiness) and is now tall and long and lean. It is very bittersweet.
So, not much to report. I don't know what CD day it is. I am not in the middle of a treatment. I do not have any symptoms or counts to report. I still don't know what path I am going to take.
For now, I just am.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Long time, no post.
Sorry, I've been MIA. I'm having a tough time. Another month has gone by, another failed natural cycle and I find myself on a path looking forward at three directions.
I can quit. I can be done with this nonsense, once and for all. I can wash my hands of the heartache, sadness, anger and unfairness of it all. I can stop living my life in two week increments. I can accept the hand we were dealt and move forward knowing that this is our fate. We are and will be a family of three and that is that. I can plan vacations and weekends and make future plans that have nothing to do with what time of month it is or that take into account that there is always the chance that I could be pregnant. I won't have to spend another dime on just the slight chance of getting pregnant. No more talk of sperm washing or follicles. No more fertility drugs that screw with my hormones.
I won't have to worry about puking my guts out for five months straight or sleepless newborn nights or losing baby weight. I won't have to go through potty training or terrible twos again. I'll be done with daycare costs forever in one year.
In some ways, this path sounds wonderful. I could be free.
OR
I can continue with IUIs. I think of quitting and while it sounds great in so many ways, one thought keeps popping into my mind. Someone is missing. I just feel it in my bones and maybe it is wishful thinking? Maybe some remnants of hope leftover from each cycle? Or maybe it is just the shadow of infertility that is bound to follow me around for the unforeseen future. I'm not sure but I feel it. There is someone missing from our family. And it is that feeling that makes me want to try one more time. And then one more time again. It is the one thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel.
When it comes to getting pregnant, there are huge three reasons that I want it more than anything. One, I want to give Keegan a sibling. I want it so much that it brings tears to my eyes. Two, I want to feel life move inside of me again. Three, I want to give birth again. It is the most powerful and meaningful experience one could ever have. Of course, there are a million other reasons but those are at the top. To never have any of those come to fruition just makes me so sad.
But - I am sick sick of going through the IUI regiment. It's ridiculous, really. I truly think that if it was going to work, it would have by now. I have had five perfect IUI cycles, good follicle counts, good lining, good timing and no success. So, I can keep trying but why? And for how long? I could add injectables but why? Maybe I could have a successful cycle but at what price? I do not want multiples. I do not want four or six babies. I am scared to take that chance. It is unfair that I should have to. Are my choices really to either not have a baby or to have a litter of them? That sucks. The injectable route does not feel right, it just feels scary.
OR
I can do IVF. I know in my heart of hearts that this is our best chance for success. Then again, that is what I thought with IUI and look where that got us. It seems with each new step, you feel that you'll find success. That is not true. Just because we decide to do IVF does not mean that we'll end up pregnant. If we do IVF and miraculously end up pregnant, it does not mean we'll take home a baby. Just because you do IVF does not guarantee a happily ever after ending. It's spending $25,000 for a chance. A chance. I think of all the time, money, emotions, expectations and hopes that go into that chance and I cringe. Do I want to do that to myself and my marriage? Because after three unsuccessful tries and another year down the IF road, then what? What happens next and how do you pick up the pieces and move forward?
I could push my DH into this option that he is against. I could fight for it and give ultimatums. If it is succesful, I could look at him and say, "I told you so!!" but if it doesn't work, am I prepared to stand by my argument that this was the right path for us to take? No, I do not think I am. I do not have confidence in that decision.
********************************************************************************
So, this is where I have been. Wandering through the forest, trying to figure out which path to take.
I can quit. I can be done with this nonsense, once and for all. I can wash my hands of the heartache, sadness, anger and unfairness of it all. I can stop living my life in two week increments. I can accept the hand we were dealt and move forward knowing that this is our fate. We are and will be a family of three and that is that. I can plan vacations and weekends and make future plans that have nothing to do with what time of month it is or that take into account that there is always the chance that I could be pregnant. I won't have to spend another dime on just the slight chance of getting pregnant. No more talk of sperm washing or follicles. No more fertility drugs that screw with my hormones.
I won't have to worry about puking my guts out for five months straight or sleepless newborn nights or losing baby weight. I won't have to go through potty training or terrible twos again. I'll be done with daycare costs forever in one year.
In some ways, this path sounds wonderful. I could be free.
OR
I can continue with IUIs. I think of quitting and while it sounds great in so many ways, one thought keeps popping into my mind. Someone is missing. I just feel it in my bones and maybe it is wishful thinking? Maybe some remnants of hope leftover from each cycle? Or maybe it is just the shadow of infertility that is bound to follow me around for the unforeseen future. I'm not sure but I feel it. There is someone missing from our family. And it is that feeling that makes me want to try one more time. And then one more time again. It is the one thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel.
When it comes to getting pregnant, there are huge three reasons that I want it more than anything. One, I want to give Keegan a sibling. I want it so much that it brings tears to my eyes. Two, I want to feel life move inside of me again. Three, I want to give birth again. It is the most powerful and meaningful experience one could ever have. Of course, there are a million other reasons but those are at the top. To never have any of those come to fruition just makes me so sad.
But - I am sick sick of going through the IUI regiment. It's ridiculous, really. I truly think that if it was going to work, it would have by now. I have had five perfect IUI cycles, good follicle counts, good lining, good timing and no success. So, I can keep trying but why? And for how long? I could add injectables but why? Maybe I could have a successful cycle but at what price? I do not want multiples. I do not want four or six babies. I am scared to take that chance. It is unfair that I should have to. Are my choices really to either not have a baby or to have a litter of them? That sucks. The injectable route does not feel right, it just feels scary.
OR
I can do IVF. I know in my heart of hearts that this is our best chance for success. Then again, that is what I thought with IUI and look where that got us. It seems with each new step, you feel that you'll find success. That is not true. Just because we decide to do IVF does not mean that we'll end up pregnant. If we do IVF and miraculously end up pregnant, it does not mean we'll take home a baby. Just because you do IVF does not guarantee a happily ever after ending. It's spending $25,000 for a chance. A chance. I think of all the time, money, emotions, expectations and hopes that go into that chance and I cringe. Do I want to do that to myself and my marriage? Because after three unsuccessful tries and another year down the IF road, then what? What happens next and how do you pick up the pieces and move forward?
I could push my DH into this option that he is against. I could fight for it and give ultimatums. If it is succesful, I could look at him and say, "I told you so!!" but if it doesn't work, am I prepared to stand by my argument that this was the right path for us to take? No, I do not think I am. I do not have confidence in that decision.
********************************************************************************
So, this is where I have been. Wandering through the forest, trying to figure out which path to take.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Bracing myself for the inevitable
Last night I was sitting at Keegan's swimming lessons and I was SO crabby. Everyone I looked at was bugging me and I was stewing about some work things and dreading the next two weeks because they are just so busy. And then it hit me. PMS. I am totally PMSing.
Shit.
I know I still have five days left but I know my body well enough to know how it works. I am right on par with any other negative cycle. Swell.
It's not like I had much hope in me anyway. But even a little hope is hard to let go of and hard to get over.
The thing that I am currently struggling with the most is this...when and how do you stop? I've been talking about this for awhile, gearing up for the fall when I am pretty sure we are going to quit. But how? I was thinking that if this was my last cycle (which it isn't quite yet) then how do I just shift gears and ignore my cycles? How do I just not think about fertile days or timing sex? How do I truly let go? I think that is going to be SO hard to do. I won't go back on birth control for a couple of reasons but mostly because it all makes me so sick. I also can't imagine doing something as permanent as DH having a vasectomy. But eventually, we'll have to talk about that. As much as I want another baby, I do not want one at 50, you know? Not that I am close to 50 but I'm just saying.
I'm rambling, I know. But I truly wonder, after actively trying for almost 50 cycles, how do you just stop?
Shit.
I know I still have five days left but I know my body well enough to know how it works. I am right on par with any other negative cycle. Swell.
It's not like I had much hope in me anyway. But even a little hope is hard to let go of and hard to get over.
The thing that I am currently struggling with the most is this...when and how do you stop? I've been talking about this for awhile, gearing up for the fall when I am pretty sure we are going to quit. But how? I was thinking that if this was my last cycle (which it isn't quite yet) then how do I just shift gears and ignore my cycles? How do I just not think about fertile days or timing sex? How do I truly let go? I think that is going to be SO hard to do. I won't go back on birth control for a couple of reasons but mostly because it all makes me so sick. I also can't imagine doing something as permanent as DH having a vasectomy. But eventually, we'll have to talk about that. As much as I want another baby, I do not want one at 50, you know? Not that I am close to 50 but I'm just saying.
I'm rambling, I know. But I truly wonder, after actively trying for almost 50 cycles, how do you just stop?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Infertilty does NOT do a body good.
I am so crampy. I'm not sure what is going on. I felt ovulation pains on Saturday and Sunday and that makes sense but yesterday and today I've felt super crampy as well. Very strange. I wonder if my ovaries are just complaining. I did ovulate one follicle on each side. Oh well, it is always something and I get so sick of over analyzing every little detail.
I need to get into some sort of work out routine. I am not feeling happy with my body at all lately and really need to bite the bullet and do something about it. Problem is, I am always worried about how it'll effect my cycle. I was told not to get my heart rate up for an extended time after an IUI because that can hurt implantation. Who knows if that is actually true or not but I always think, why take the risk?
I decided that if I get my period then that is it. No more excuses - I will start running again. Regardless if we decide to do another IUI or not. Hell, I was running 3-5 times a week when I conceived Keegan.
It's not like I am overweight. I am 12-15 pounds heavier than when I conceived Keegan - five years ago. I should probably lose about 10 pounds to make myself feel better about my body and then basically just tone. I feel like I have no definition anymore and I hate it. I used to love my stomach and never thought twice about showing it off in a swimsuit. Now? I hate it and cover it as much as I can. And my butt? Well, it is just not good. Everything fits much tighter than it used to in that area. Ugh. Depression, treatments, fertility drugs and lack of exercise is just not a good combo.
Exercise, and especially running for me, is such awesome stress relief and I really think I could use that right now. I don't feel like, "Oh my God, I am so stressed out!!" but I can feel that my plate is so full right now. I feel like there is just not enough time in my day anymore and this makes exercising even more difficult because when? When do I take the time for it? Maybe if I didn't work 55 hours a week or didn't care if I put my son to sleep every night. But I do.
So, there is my vent for the day. Not sure where that came from?
I need to get into some sort of work out routine. I am not feeling happy with my body at all lately and really need to bite the bullet and do something about it. Problem is, I am always worried about how it'll effect my cycle. I was told not to get my heart rate up for an extended time after an IUI because that can hurt implantation. Who knows if that is actually true or not but I always think, why take the risk?
I decided that if I get my period then that is it. No more excuses - I will start running again. Regardless if we decide to do another IUI or not. Hell, I was running 3-5 times a week when I conceived Keegan.
It's not like I am overweight. I am 12-15 pounds heavier than when I conceived Keegan - five years ago. I should probably lose about 10 pounds to make myself feel better about my body and then basically just tone. I feel like I have no definition anymore and I hate it. I used to love my stomach and never thought twice about showing it off in a swimsuit. Now? I hate it and cover it as much as I can. And my butt? Well, it is just not good. Everything fits much tighter than it used to in that area. Ugh. Depression, treatments, fertility drugs and lack of exercise is just not a good combo.
Exercise, and especially running for me, is such awesome stress relief and I really think I could use that right now. I don't feel like, "Oh my God, I am so stressed out!!" but I can feel that my plate is so full right now. I feel like there is just not enough time in my day anymore and this makes exercising even more difficult because when? When do I take the time for it? Maybe if I didn't work 55 hours a week or didn't care if I put my son to sleep every night. But I do.
So, there is my vent for the day. Not sure where that came from?
Monday, June 22, 2009
IUI #5? Check.
Sorry for the delay - things have been so busy here and I haven't had two seconds to sit down and dedicate time to a post. Unfortunately, I don't have much time now either but I'll see how much I can get down.
IUI #5 was on Saturday morning. I had gone for another u/s on CD13 and had two dominant follies (why does that third one always stop growing??). They were a bit smaller than she would have liked, at 17 and 18, but the appointment was at 10am and she thought by 10pm, they would be ready for trigger. It made me a bit nervous but I know she is right and that 12 hours can make a big difference. Let's hope it was the right decision.
I triggered at 10pm on Thursday night and then went in for our IUI at 10am on Saturday. Everything went well and now I wait....
I still am doing my best to put this cycle on the back burner. I just do not want to go through the god-awful let down that I went through last time. I know it'll probably happen regardless but I am doing my best to hold hope at arm's length.
I do know that if this cycle isn't successful that I'll probably take the rest of the summer off. That's how I feel right now but as you all know, everything is subject to change. I've never done cycles back to back. Is that a good thing? Or not? Hmmmm...
I must also say that the drug I trigger with - Nova*rel? It went from $60 to $128. What the hell is up with that?? I can't believe there was a 50% increase in cost over two months? Anyone else have any experience with that? God, I hate not having infertility coverage!!
I cannot believe we are on our fifth IUI. Time flies when you are having fun, huh?
IUI #5 was on Saturday morning. I had gone for another u/s on CD13 and had two dominant follies (why does that third one always stop growing??). They were a bit smaller than she would have liked, at 17 and 18, but the appointment was at 10am and she thought by 10pm, they would be ready for trigger. It made me a bit nervous but I know she is right and that 12 hours can make a big difference. Let's hope it was the right decision.
I triggered at 10pm on Thursday night and then went in for our IUI at 10am on Saturday. Everything went well and now I wait....
I still am doing my best to put this cycle on the back burner. I just do not want to go through the god-awful let down that I went through last time. I know it'll probably happen regardless but I am doing my best to hold hope at arm's length.
I do know that if this cycle isn't successful that I'll probably take the rest of the summer off. That's how I feel right now but as you all know, everything is subject to change. I've never done cycles back to back. Is that a good thing? Or not? Hmmmm...
I must also say that the drug I trigger with - Nova*rel? It went from $60 to $128. What the hell is up with that?? I can't believe there was a 50% increase in cost over two months? Anyone else have any experience with that? God, I hate not having infertility coverage!!
I cannot believe we are on our fifth IUI. Time flies when you are having fun, huh?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
And so it goes...
Today is CD11 and I just got back from my u/s. All looks good so far - I have one good sized follicle on the right size and two smaller, but still good sized follicles on the left. She said the largest was measuring at 13mm so I go back on Thursday, CD13, for another check and then I'll most likely trigger Thursday night with an IUI on Saturday. Thus far, it appears to be almost the same situation as last cycle - follicle count, timing, etc. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all three follicles continue to grow nice and big and that none of them fall back at all. Unlikely, but I can still hope I guess.
Walking into my appointment I was thinking about all the different emotions I was feeling: hope, indifference, annoyance, excitement, exhaustion. I think I am still mostly numb because indifference seems to have won out. I do have some hopefulness somewhere in me but that just goes with the territory. You hear from your doctor that everything looks great and it just springs up. Unfortunately, I've been hearing the same for years and it hasn't done me any good. Therefore, indifference wins.
I'm not feeling anything in the area of my ovaries yet but I'm sure that will be changing. I have definitely had more headaches this time around - I'm sure it is the Clomid. It has been hard not to take any ad*vil for them. I did break down once last week but I only took 400mg and I figured it was still pretty early for it to hurt anything and obviously it didn't because she said my lining looked good. I think Clomid bothers me more with each cycle. I also wanted to mention that I started taking Muc*inex yesterday too. My doctor said it can help with CM and counteract the damage that Clomid can do (in regards to drying things out). I'm taking three pills a day through ovulation. I guess it is worth a shot.
So, that's all for now. I'll know more on Thursday but from the looks of it, it is pretty much the same as it has been. Nothing new or exciting.
Walking into my appointment I was thinking about all the different emotions I was feeling: hope, indifference, annoyance, excitement, exhaustion. I think I am still mostly numb because indifference seems to have won out. I do have some hopefulness somewhere in me but that just goes with the territory. You hear from your doctor that everything looks great and it just springs up. Unfortunately, I've been hearing the same for years and it hasn't done me any good. Therefore, indifference wins.
I'm not feeling anything in the area of my ovaries yet but I'm sure that will be changing. I have definitely had more headaches this time around - I'm sure it is the Clomid. It has been hard not to take any ad*vil for them. I did break down once last week but I only took 400mg and I figured it was still pretty early for it to hurt anything and obviously it didn't because she said my lining looked good. I think Clomid bothers me more with each cycle. I also wanted to mention that I started taking Muc*inex yesterday too. My doctor said it can help with CM and counteract the damage that Clomid can do (in regards to drying things out). I'm taking three pills a day through ovulation. I guess it is worth a shot.
So, that's all for now. I'll know more on Thursday but from the looks of it, it is pretty much the same as it has been. Nothing new or exciting.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Why I keep trying
I'm going to blink and this guy is going to be all grown up. Sniff, sniff. I can't believe how fast it all goes. I want another child for my own selfish reasons and we all know what those are but I truly want a sibling and friend for Keegan. I want him to experience that bond and all the shared memories that go along with growing up together.
Every day I think of what a miracle he is and every night I look at his sleeping face and thank God for his existence. I'm so lucky to be his mom and no matter what happens, I am so grateful for that opportunity. He made me a mother and that is the best gift I have ever been given.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Here we go again
We did decide to start another IUI cycle this time. I went in on Monday (CD3) for my baseline u/s and all looked good. Same protocol as last time, Clomid for CD3-7 and another u/s on CD11. We did decide to stick with our local clinic and doctor. Actually, DH was the one who was all for it and I just decided that I didn't care. It is SO much easier schedule-wise and I am to the point where I am not sure it matters. I kind of figure that IUI hasn't worked for us thus far, will it ever? The chances are pretty slim and I know that. I know that IVF is our best option at this point but again, we're just not going to go there. I did ask again (I have no idea why I feel compelled to ask this EVERY time) if there was any thing we should be trying or doing different with IUI and of course, the answer is no. It's this or IVF.
I'm just pretty numb this time around. Isn't it funny how each cycle brings different emotions? I am not going to throw myself into it this time, in hopes of not being so disappointed. If I think too much about IF then I just get SO angry and I am not in the mood to deal with all that anger right now. I am just going with the flow and doing my best to ignore the fact that getting pregnant is such a huge and ridiculous challenge for us.
I'm just pretty numb this time around. Isn't it funny how each cycle brings different emotions? I am not going to throw myself into it this time, in hopes of not being so disappointed. If I think too much about IF then I just get SO angry and I am not in the mood to deal with all that anger right now. I am just going with the flow and doing my best to ignore the fact that getting pregnant is such a huge and ridiculous challenge for us.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Random thoughts for the beginning of another cycle
Today is CD1. Mother nature blessed me with yet another period this morning, no big surprise there. I am pretty sure we are going to do another IUI this cycle and the reality of it is, it could very well be our last. If not our last, definitely our second to last. How do I feel about that? Numb. At least for today.
Today is a miserable day weather-wise. It's cold (50 degrees in June!), dark and rainy. It fits mood and makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Unfortunately, that was not in the plans today. DH and I took Keegan to the Science Museum and it was a great way to spend a crappy weather day. Keegan had a blast and made me smile a dozen times. I needed that. I needed a nice family day with my boys.
I'm pretty much "done" with my natural healings. At least for now. I'll get into that in another post but I really enjoyed my time with Dr. G. Who knows?
Have you seen that show about those women who had no idea they were pregnant?? Does this show make anyone else feel like throwing things at the TV? I don't know if is because of IF or because I suffered from hyperemesis during my pregnancy or if it is just because I have a brain but I do NOT understand those women and their stories. Give me a break!
I guess that is all I have in me right now. It's just one of those days where I have so much to say/write but can't seem to find the words.
Today is a miserable day weather-wise. It's cold (50 degrees in June!), dark and rainy. It fits mood and makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Unfortunately, that was not in the plans today. DH and I took Keegan to the Science Museum and it was a great way to spend a crappy weather day. Keegan had a blast and made me smile a dozen times. I needed that. I needed a nice family day with my boys.
I'm pretty much "done" with my natural healings. At least for now. I'll get into that in another post but I really enjoyed my time with Dr. G. Who knows?
Have you seen that show about those women who had no idea they were pregnant?? Does this show make anyone else feel like throwing things at the TV? I don't know if is because of IF or because I suffered from hyperemesis during my pregnancy or if it is just because I have a brain but I do NOT understand those women and their stories. Give me a break!
I guess that is all I have in me right now. It's just one of those days where I have so much to say/write but can't seem to find the words.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Checking in
Well, hopefully I didn't weird people out with my last post. I know it is a strange concept but I am still a believer for now.
Things are going fine here - not too much to report since this is not a treatment cycle. I am think I am on CD16? Not totally sure and I'm too lazy to look. I ended up having my period for 10 days this cycle! Unheard of for me, I was starting to get worried. I am guessing it had something to do with the Clomid last cycle? Not sure. It felt like the longest period in history. I felt ovulation pains yesterday and today and holy crap were they strong! And it makes sense that I am ovulating late due to the long period.
We plan on doing another IUI next cycle (two weeks or so) and I think we are going to go ahead and do it locally again. I guess I really don't think it makes a huge difference whether we do it in Mpls or here and it is so much more convenient here so why not? If I decide to do an injectable cycle before we throw the towel in then I would go back to Mpls but otherwise, I see no huge benefit to it. In my heart of hearts, I know we need IVF. It is a no brainer. The chanced of IUI working for us at this point is slim to none so why make it anymore stressful than it already is. That's how I feel today anyway.
I'm looking forward to the long holiday weekend, resting after a busy work week and spending time with my favorite little guy.
Things are going fine here - not too much to report since this is not a treatment cycle. I am think I am on CD16? Not totally sure and I'm too lazy to look. I ended up having my period for 10 days this cycle! Unheard of for me, I was starting to get worried. I am guessing it had something to do with the Clomid last cycle? Not sure. It felt like the longest period in history. I felt ovulation pains yesterday and today and holy crap were they strong! And it makes sense that I am ovulating late due to the long period.
We plan on doing another IUI next cycle (two weeks or so) and I think we are going to go ahead and do it locally again. I guess I really don't think it makes a huge difference whether we do it in Mpls or here and it is so much more convenient here so why not? If I decide to do an injectable cycle before we throw the towel in then I would go back to Mpls but otherwise, I see no huge benefit to it. In my heart of hearts, I know we need IVF. It is a no brainer. The chanced of IUI working for us at this point is slim to none so why make it anymore stressful than it already is. That's how I feel today anyway.
I'm looking forward to the long holiday weekend, resting after a busy work week and spending time with my favorite little guy.
Friday, May 15, 2009
All sorts of craziness
Remember when I was talking (blogging - whatever) about my doctor was practicing natural healing on me? I don't remember how detailed I got and I'm too lazy to go back and re-read posts so if I repeat myself, sorry.
This is my regular OB/GYN doctor, Dr. G, the one I love and trust. She is a medical doctor and an awesome one at that - but I have quickly learned that she has another side to her. Her own words the other night were something like, "It is amazing the weird shit that seemingly normal people do!" And it is true because this natural healing shit? It's weird. But...I am really starting to believe in it a bit.
What is it? I'm not entirely sure and I am just beginning to learn about it so I wont' really get into explaining the little bit I've read about. Basically, it is all about energy flow. I think. I would guess it is a lot like acupuncture except there are no needles, they just use their hands.
A week ago, I could barely make it through a thought without being on the verge of tears. I felt hopeless and deflated. I really, really was having a rough time. I had emailed Dr. G to let her know that I had gotten my period and she responded shortly after with, "We have to do more healings!! I figure 3-6 and we have some time before your next IUI so let's get busy!" It turns out she has a whole community of friends, "experts" in this whole natural healing thing and she had been talking to them about me. She has gone out of her way to put together a game plan for me and that is probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.
I had my second "healing" the other day and I must say, I really and truly FELT something. I've tried to describe it to my DH and my best friend and I cannot really put it into words. It's all motion and heat and afterwards? Calmness. All I know is that it felt good and it felt right. Do I think it'll "cure" our infertility? No, absolutely not. (Although it couldn't hurt either.) Mostly, I think it is going to help me find balance and peace within myself - and that is huge. After the last healing, I felt more connected (to what I'm not sure?) than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I felt grounded. I'm really not trying to sound crazy. I know it is weird and I also have a lot of trouble putting it into words so I know that doesn't help.
So, tomorrow? I am meeting Dr. G and some of her friends at a natural/spiritual healing center and they are all going to do their thing on me. I'm just not sure what that means! Dr. G said that they are going to "heal the shit" out of me. It should be interesting. I will keep you posted on how this whole thing progresses! LOL.
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I also wanted to make a quick comment about my DH. I meant everything I said in the vent about him but I do want to make it clear that he is a good guy. He's a good husband in so many other ways and an awesome dad. I just wish we weren't worlds apart, emotionally speaking. It is one of our biggest struggles and I really don't see it changing so that is extremely frustrating. I just wish every now and then that he would hold me. Just hold me and let me know that I am not in this battle alone.
Thanks for all your support this last cycle - and always. It helps to know that there is someone out there there understands.
This is my regular OB/GYN doctor, Dr. G, the one I love and trust. She is a medical doctor and an awesome one at that - but I have quickly learned that she has another side to her. Her own words the other night were something like, "It is amazing the weird shit that seemingly normal people do!" And it is true because this natural healing shit? It's weird. But...I am really starting to believe in it a bit.
What is it? I'm not entirely sure and I am just beginning to learn about it so I wont' really get into explaining the little bit I've read about. Basically, it is all about energy flow. I think. I would guess it is a lot like acupuncture except there are no needles, they just use their hands.
A week ago, I could barely make it through a thought without being on the verge of tears. I felt hopeless and deflated. I really, really was having a rough time. I had emailed Dr. G to let her know that I had gotten my period and she responded shortly after with, "We have to do more healings!! I figure 3-6 and we have some time before your next IUI so let's get busy!" It turns out she has a whole community of friends, "experts" in this whole natural healing thing and she had been talking to them about me. She has gone out of her way to put together a game plan for me and that is probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.
I had my second "healing" the other day and I must say, I really and truly FELT something. I've tried to describe it to my DH and my best friend and I cannot really put it into words. It's all motion and heat and afterwards? Calmness. All I know is that it felt good and it felt right. Do I think it'll "cure" our infertility? No, absolutely not. (Although it couldn't hurt either.) Mostly, I think it is going to help me find balance and peace within myself - and that is huge. After the last healing, I felt more connected (to what I'm not sure?) than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I felt grounded. I'm really not trying to sound crazy. I know it is weird and I also have a lot of trouble putting it into words so I know that doesn't help.
So, tomorrow? I am meeting Dr. G and some of her friends at a natural/spiritual healing center and they are all going to do their thing on me. I'm just not sure what that means! Dr. G said that they are going to "heal the shit" out of me. It should be interesting. I will keep you posted on how this whole thing progresses! LOL.
**********************************************
I also wanted to make a quick comment about my DH. I meant everything I said in the vent about him but I do want to make it clear that he is a good guy. He's a good husband in so many other ways and an awesome dad. I just wish we weren't worlds apart, emotionally speaking. It is one of our biggest struggles and I really don't see it changing so that is extremely frustrating. I just wish every now and then that he would hold me. Just hold me and let me know that I am not in this battle alone.
Thanks for all your support this last cycle - and always. It helps to know that there is someone out there there understands.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Random thoughts
After a rough few days, I am finally doing okay. The more I distance myself from IF, the easier it is to cope. If I dwell on it or think about it often, it almost becomes unbearable. When I am in the middle of a treatment cycle, it becomes all-consuming. Right now, I am holding IF at arms length. I think I am in survival mode.
DH has flights almost non-stop over the next week so a treatment cycle was out of the question this cycle which puts us into a forced time-out. At first I was a little upset about this but I think it is probably for the best. It gives me a mental break, a break from the hope and the heartbreak. It also gives me a chance to decide if I am going back to our local clinic or back to my RE. I am pretty undecided on this one. Also, the question of injectables is still hanging over my head. Should we give an injectable cycle one shot before we quit? I just don't know.
I had a pretty crappy Mother's Day. Good in the sense that I had a wonderful, gorgeous son to spend it with but bad in that I had the flu and wasn't up for doing much at all. Yep, to top off the fun of our IUI failing and having to deal with the fun of my period, I woke up on Saturday and was puking by mid morning. It lasted almost exactly 24 hours so I guess it was just a quick virus. The worst part about it was that I had to send Keegan to my mother-in-laws because DH was working and I couldn't move off the couch. She, of course, thinks that I am pregnant now. She keep giving me these weird "private" looks as though we are sharing some secret. I hate it! My mom was no better, she asked me right away if I could be pregnant. I told her, "No. Not unless you want to borrow me $20,000 for IVF." I didn't get too much conversation out of her after that.
I guess I feel a little lost right now. I am not sure what direction I am going.
My fertile best friend and I had a good talk. Remember, she is five months pregnant with her third baby. I started venting to her one night last week about the (insert drama) unfairness of it all. She did a great job of listening (as she usually does) and let me talk and talk. She usually says all the right things, things such as, her heart is hurting for me, she feels helpless and wishes she could do something, anything. But this time she also said something to me that I keep replaying over and over in my head and I'm not really sure why. She said, "I wish I could feel your pain but I can't. I have no idea how you feel and I cannot relate in anyway. I'm sorry for that." I guess those words sort of stopped me in my tracks. I appreciate them because they are honest and true - she is doing the very best she can at supporting me but she can only do and say so much because she does not understand, she has not been through IF and she never will. I guess those words scared me a bit because it drew a line in the sand right then and there - we are different. VERY different when it comes to this. We will never share this experience and it made me feel like such an outsider from her world - from a normal world. Normal people do not know what it is like to not be able to make a baby with your husband. Her and I are best friends because we are so similar, we have grew up with very much the same experiences. We think alike and we process life so much the same. But this? IF? We are worlds apart.
And back to the part about being able to make a baby with your husband? I guess I've been having some trouble with that lately too. I feel awful even writing about it but I think I need to get it out. Up until the last month, I have never really thought of our IF problems as DH's problem - I've always thought of it as OUR problem. Lately, my mind has taken a different path. I guess it is out of frustration that my body seems to work perfectly and he has this small morphology problem - I just cannot believe that after all this time we are still unable to conceive. Last cycle, I had two follicles, everything (once again) looked perfect with me. That's what it comes down to - I CAN conceive. Just not with my husband. And that makes me so angry!! I know it is not his fault nor is it logical but I started getting angry with him. I am a total over-analyzer so I have thought long and hard about this anger and I think it comes not from the fact that his body doesn't work but more from how he has handled our IF from the beginning. I feel like I have made all the sacrifices, I have done all the research, I have gone through all the procedures and even had surgery. I have kept all my emotions in check at all times - for HIS sake. That makes me angry. Never once in all this time have I felt that I could talk to him in detail about all my thoughts and fears. Never once have I been able to lean on him through this nightmare. And it is HIS problem!! His body not working properly is the reason we are not conceiving, yet I am always the one holding the torch.
He sets "rules" and restrictions. He sets deadlines. He decides. That makes me mad.
I meant what I said when we got back from Florida, I do think we need to set a deadline and I do think that the three year mark is a good one to aim for. I am tired too, I need to bring closure to the wounds IF has left. I agree with that. BUT I do wish we could have discussed IVF a bit more, I wish he did not hold that deadline over my head at all times and mention it over and over again. "We're done in September." Yes, I know. Believe me, I know.
I wish the last five years had not been a constant butting of heads, of battling and arguing. I wish he would have held me as I cried at least once because he never has. I have never once cried to him about IF. Not once.
the last few months, I have felt more on the same page as him than I ever have before. We've been able to talk about treatment like adults and without arguing and that has been a relief. I can bring up an IUI cycle without him freaking out. But I still don't feel as though we are in this together, you know? I've never felt that way.
I know many of you will tell me to talk to him but I won't. It doesn't work with him. I am guessing it is because the problem lies with him - he feels insecure about it and therefore, he acts the way he does. That is just a guess. Whenever it comes to IF discusses, he closes the book. There is no depth to that conversation and I know there never will be.
Whew. I guess I had more frustration in me than I knew. Especially, with him.
I guess that is enough for today. If you've made it this far, I'm impressed. Go do something worthwhile with your time instead of listening to me whine! :)
DH has flights almost non-stop over the next week so a treatment cycle was out of the question this cycle which puts us into a forced time-out. At first I was a little upset about this but I think it is probably for the best. It gives me a mental break, a break from the hope and the heartbreak. It also gives me a chance to decide if I am going back to our local clinic or back to my RE. I am pretty undecided on this one. Also, the question of injectables is still hanging over my head. Should we give an injectable cycle one shot before we quit? I just don't know.
I had a pretty crappy Mother's Day. Good in the sense that I had a wonderful, gorgeous son to spend it with but bad in that I had the flu and wasn't up for doing much at all. Yep, to top off the fun of our IUI failing and having to deal with the fun of my period, I woke up on Saturday and was puking by mid morning. It lasted almost exactly 24 hours so I guess it was just a quick virus. The worst part about it was that I had to send Keegan to my mother-in-laws because DH was working and I couldn't move off the couch. She, of course, thinks that I am pregnant now. She keep giving me these weird "private" looks as though we are sharing some secret. I hate it! My mom was no better, she asked me right away if I could be pregnant. I told her, "No. Not unless you want to borrow me $20,000 for IVF." I didn't get too much conversation out of her after that.
I guess I feel a little lost right now. I am not sure what direction I am going.
My fertile best friend and I had a good talk. Remember, she is five months pregnant with her third baby. I started venting to her one night last week about the (insert drama) unfairness of it all. She did a great job of listening (as she usually does) and let me talk and talk. She usually says all the right things, things such as, her heart is hurting for me, she feels helpless and wishes she could do something, anything. But this time she also said something to me that I keep replaying over and over in my head and I'm not really sure why. She said, "I wish I could feel your pain but I can't. I have no idea how you feel and I cannot relate in anyway. I'm sorry for that." I guess those words sort of stopped me in my tracks. I appreciate them because they are honest and true - she is doing the very best she can at supporting me but she can only do and say so much because she does not understand, she has not been through IF and she never will. I guess those words scared me a bit because it drew a line in the sand right then and there - we are different. VERY different when it comes to this. We will never share this experience and it made me feel like such an outsider from her world - from a normal world. Normal people do not know what it is like to not be able to make a baby with your husband. Her and I are best friends because we are so similar, we have grew up with very much the same experiences. We think alike and we process life so much the same. But this? IF? We are worlds apart.
And back to the part about being able to make a baby with your husband? I guess I've been having some trouble with that lately too. I feel awful even writing about it but I think I need to get it out. Up until the last month, I have never really thought of our IF problems as DH's problem - I've always thought of it as OUR problem. Lately, my mind has taken a different path. I guess it is out of frustration that my body seems to work perfectly and he has this small morphology problem - I just cannot believe that after all this time we are still unable to conceive. Last cycle, I had two follicles, everything (once again) looked perfect with me. That's what it comes down to - I CAN conceive. Just not with my husband. And that makes me so angry!! I know it is not his fault nor is it logical but I started getting angry with him. I am a total over-analyzer so I have thought long and hard about this anger and I think it comes not from the fact that his body doesn't work but more from how he has handled our IF from the beginning. I feel like I have made all the sacrifices, I have done all the research, I have gone through all the procedures and even had surgery. I have kept all my emotions in check at all times - for HIS sake. That makes me angry. Never once in all this time have I felt that I could talk to him in detail about all my thoughts and fears. Never once have I been able to lean on him through this nightmare. And it is HIS problem!! His body not working properly is the reason we are not conceiving, yet I am always the one holding the torch.
He sets "rules" and restrictions. He sets deadlines. He decides. That makes me mad.
I meant what I said when we got back from Florida, I do think we need to set a deadline and I do think that the three year mark is a good one to aim for. I am tired too, I need to bring closure to the wounds IF has left. I agree with that. BUT I do wish we could have discussed IVF a bit more, I wish he did not hold that deadline over my head at all times and mention it over and over again. "We're done in September." Yes, I know. Believe me, I know.
I wish the last five years had not been a constant butting of heads, of battling and arguing. I wish he would have held me as I cried at least once because he never has. I have never once cried to him about IF. Not once.
the last few months, I have felt more on the same page as him than I ever have before. We've been able to talk about treatment like adults and without arguing and that has been a relief. I can bring up an IUI cycle without him freaking out. But I still don't feel as though we are in this together, you know? I've never felt that way.
I know many of you will tell me to talk to him but I won't. It doesn't work with him. I am guessing it is because the problem lies with him - he feels insecure about it and therefore, he acts the way he does. That is just a guess. Whenever it comes to IF discusses, he closes the book. There is no depth to that conversation and I know there never will be.
Whew. I guess I had more frustration in me than I knew. Especially, with him.
I guess that is enough for today. If you've made it this far, I'm impressed. Go do something worthwhile with your time instead of listening to me whine! :)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting.
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying.
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round.
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could.
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do
what it is You think I should.
Another cycle, another failure. The song above isn't a perfect fit for infertility, I know that the meaning behind the words actually has nothing to do with infertility but it fits my mood. I took a test on Tuesday night. I was almost making myself sick wondering if the IUI worked or not. This was one of the worst cycles I ever had as far as hope goes. I had a lot of it. I REALLY wanted this to be the one and I juts had to know. So a took a test for the first time in about a year. It was about as negative as a pregnancy test can get. One dark, solid line and a whole lot of white space next to it.
I decided to go running. I hadn't run once in the 2ww in hopes of...what? I don't know, I guess maybe in fear of hindering implantation somehow? Stupid. So I tied my shoes tight, grabbed my music and headed out the door. I started running and the above song came on and it seemed to fit my mood so well that I started tearing up. And then, I think I had my first ever panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath and I started hyperventilating and I had to stop running. I was out there on my running path, all alone and I felt like my chest was going to explode. I was just SO angry. Angry and desperate. It's like being trapped and having no way out. There is NOTHING I can do about any of this. I have no control and at that moment, it hit me hard. It's like you have someone holding you down and the more you struggle against them, the harder they push and the more frustrated and angry you get. That is how I feel.
And at what point do you just give up? That is the reality of the situation, at some point you do have to quit. I will have to give up on this dream - or I will go nuts. I have had 37 cycles of this roller coaster. Of hoping and praying and grieving and sadness. I have had my spirit crushed 37 times. I AM so angry at the unfairness of it all.
So, that song above. When I heard those words Tuesday night, I sort of feel as though I was directing them at God. Or maybe a bit at my husband. And maybe at infertility itself.
Forgive? That sounds good. That means I will have made peace with IF and that would be wonderful. I am not there yet. Period.
Forget? I don't think anyone who has been through IF forgets. The more you distance yourself from it, the easier it is to ignore. But you don't forget because it has changed you and shaped you into a different person than you were before you battled it.
I'm not ready to make nice,I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round. Well, that just about says it all right now because I while I am not ready to make nice and I am not ready to give up, I do not have much time left. I do not have much left in me to keep battling this monster.
I can't bring myself to give up yet but I know that I will have to soon, because I am tired.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting.
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying.
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round.
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could.
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do
what it is You think I should.
Another cycle, another failure. The song above isn't a perfect fit for infertility, I know that the meaning behind the words actually has nothing to do with infertility but it fits my mood. I took a test on Tuesday night. I was almost making myself sick wondering if the IUI worked or not. This was one of the worst cycles I ever had as far as hope goes. I had a lot of it. I REALLY wanted this to be the one and I juts had to know. So a took a test for the first time in about a year. It was about as negative as a pregnancy test can get. One dark, solid line and a whole lot of white space next to it.
I decided to go running. I hadn't run once in the 2ww in hopes of...what? I don't know, I guess maybe in fear of hindering implantation somehow? Stupid. So I tied my shoes tight, grabbed my music and headed out the door. I started running and the above song came on and it seemed to fit my mood so well that I started tearing up. And then, I think I had my first ever panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath and I started hyperventilating and I had to stop running. I was out there on my running path, all alone and I felt like my chest was going to explode. I was just SO angry. Angry and desperate. It's like being trapped and having no way out. There is NOTHING I can do about any of this. I have no control and at that moment, it hit me hard. It's like you have someone holding you down and the more you struggle against them, the harder they push and the more frustrated and angry you get. That is how I feel.
And at what point do you just give up? That is the reality of the situation, at some point you do have to quit. I will have to give up on this dream - or I will go nuts. I have had 37 cycles of this roller coaster. Of hoping and praying and grieving and sadness. I have had my spirit crushed 37 times. I AM so angry at the unfairness of it all.
So, that song above. When I heard those words Tuesday night, I sort of feel as though I was directing them at God. Or maybe a bit at my husband. And maybe at infertility itself.
Forgive? That sounds good. That means I will have made peace with IF and that would be wonderful. I am not there yet. Period.
Forget? I don't think anyone who has been through IF forgets. The more you distance yourself from it, the easier it is to ignore. But you don't forget because it has changed you and shaped you into a different person than you were before you battled it.
I'm not ready to make nice,I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round. Well, that just about says it all right now because I while I am not ready to make nice and I am not ready to give up, I do not have much time left. I do not have much left in me to keep battling this monster.
I can't bring myself to give up yet but I know that I will have to soon, because I am tired.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Pregnancy announcements
Two pregnancy announcements by friends this week. TWO. It is so unfair but then again, I guess fair flew out the window a long time ago.
To say that I am crawling out of my skin is an understatement. You see - the problem with hope is that it opens up the possibility of being crushed.
I have prayed so much in the past week that I wonder if God has put me on mute. I just want this story to end positively, you know? I do not want IF to win. I want to look back on these (almost) three years and think to myself that it was worth the wait. That the baby I am holding in my arms was worth every minute of heartache. I do not want to have three wasted years with absolutely nothing to show for it but disappointment. I just keep thinking that it cannot possibly end that way. But it could. Hell, it has happened to many.
Two pregnancies.
I have four more days where my life hangs in the balance. I am so tired of this.
To say that I am crawling out of my skin is an understatement. You see - the problem with hope is that it opens up the possibility of being crushed.
I have prayed so much in the past week that I wonder if God has put me on mute. I just want this story to end positively, you know? I do not want IF to win. I want to look back on these (almost) three years and think to myself that it was worth the wait. That the baby I am holding in my arms was worth every minute of heartache. I do not want to have three wasted years with absolutely nothing to show for it but disappointment. I just keep thinking that it cannot possibly end that way. But it could. Hell, it has happened to many.
Two pregnancies.
I have four more days where my life hangs in the balance. I am so tired of this.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mission accomplished
What an experience. To say that having an IUI at my local clinic vs. one of the best fertility clinics in the state was different is a huge understatement. Different in good ways, different in bad ways and well, just plain weird different. Here's how it all went down:
We live within 10 minutes of the clinic, so DH was able to do his business at home and then I just tucked the cup into the waistband of my pants and drove it to the clinic. I had to make sure I had it to the Dr. within 30 minutes. No problem. I must say that having DH produce the sample in the comfort of our home was SO much better and less stressful than the usual procedure of going into the sterile environment of the clinic. So this was a GOOD different.
I was supposed to meet Dr. A in the waiting room at 7:30am to hand off DH's sample. Remember, Dr. A is handling everything herself, including the washing. So, I got there about 7:25 and am just standing and waiting patiently when the receptionist notices me and asks me to check in. I tell her that no, I don't have an appointment and that I am just waiting for Dr. A. She immediately gets all flustered and starts involving all sorts of receptionists and schedulers into the conversation. They are all freaked out because "they've never had anybody do anything like this before!!" and they just do NOT understand why Dr. A would be meeting with me, without and appointment and "why wasn't I in the appointment system??". Yes, can you tell that I am the first IF patient there? I was not about to announce to a bunch of old hens that I was protectively holding on to my husbands sperm in hopes of making a baby there in their clinic that morning. They were freaking about me talking to Dr. A without an appt, let alone any talk of sperm or insemination! One lady asked me my name three times and then wrote it on a piece of paper "just in case!". This whole process was BAD different.
Dr. A came out, I handed her the sample and she took it without incident. GOOD.
I had a 45 minute wait and so I wandered into the hospital chapel. I prayed/meditated/calmed my nerves for a few minutes and then walked around a bit in the chapel. It is a really pretty little area with stained glass panels and as I was looking around I noticed a prayer book. Many people had written in it over the months asking God for help and it was sort of neat. I decided that it couldn't hurt so I wrote my own prayer down.
I went back to the receptionist area at 8:15 and checked in (Yay! I followed procedure this time!)
The receptionist looked flustered all over again as she was entering me in the computer and then asked, "Did Dr. A really just meet you in the lobby??" I just looked at her with big eyes and said, "Yes, she really did." Another BAD different. Well, maybe just annoying.
I went back into the room and chatted briefly with Dr. A and then waited. And waited. And waited. Dr. A checked in and said it would just be another 5-10 minutes and to hang tight. My regular doctor stopped by to cheer me on and tell me that she was thinking positive thoughts. (I love her!) I felt good that I had two doctors watching over me and taking care of everything. A definite GOOD different.
So, I was waiting and I started listening to the talk just outside the doors...I started noticing the word sperm quite a bit. I focused in and listening and the nurses were actually joking about the sperm being "washed". I kid you not. They were giggling like little school girls. All in good fun, I do not think they were being mean or trying to be insensitive but seriously? I could hear everything. One of the kept saying that she was "guarding" the sperm and it was a very important duty! At one point I heard a timer ding and then someone say loudly, "Dr. A - your sperm is done!!!" giggle, giggle. So, that? Was BAD different.
FINALLY, Dr. A came in and did the IUI. She said everything went really, really well. (I'm sure it had much to do with that one nurse "guarding" DH's sperm.) The IUI was quick and uneventful. I asked about count and (to my surprise) she said that she does not do a count analysis because she is not officially trained on that aspect and does not feel comfortable with it. She said from looking at the sample, it appeared to be good. Lots of swimmers and movement. Hmm...that means nothing to me. I was a little disappointed but, oh well. I guess it gives me one less thing to obsess about and at this point it really doesn't matter. His count this time won't effect our future treatment plans. I already know that our next (and best) option is IVF and we're not headed down that path anyway. Well, not unless someone knows how to get us a free one! No? Didn't think so.
So, that is that. I am officially inseminated and in the dreaded 2ww.
We live within 10 minutes of the clinic, so DH was able to do his business at home and then I just tucked the cup into the waistband of my pants and drove it to the clinic. I had to make sure I had it to the Dr. within 30 minutes. No problem. I must say that having DH produce the sample in the comfort of our home was SO much better and less stressful than the usual procedure of going into the sterile environment of the clinic. So this was a GOOD different.
I was supposed to meet Dr. A in the waiting room at 7:30am to hand off DH's sample. Remember, Dr. A is handling everything herself, including the washing. So, I got there about 7:25 and am just standing and waiting patiently when the receptionist notices me and asks me to check in. I tell her that no, I don't have an appointment and that I am just waiting for Dr. A. She immediately gets all flustered and starts involving all sorts of receptionists and schedulers into the conversation. They are all freaked out because "they've never had anybody do anything like this before!!" and they just do NOT understand why Dr. A would be meeting with me, without and appointment and "why wasn't I in the appointment system??". Yes, can you tell that I am the first IF patient there? I was not about to announce to a bunch of old hens that I was protectively holding on to my husbands sperm in hopes of making a baby there in their clinic that morning. They were freaking about me talking to Dr. A without an appt, let alone any talk of sperm or insemination! One lady asked me my name three times and then wrote it on a piece of paper "just in case!". This whole process was BAD different.
Dr. A came out, I handed her the sample and she took it without incident. GOOD.
I had a 45 minute wait and so I wandered into the hospital chapel. I prayed/meditated/calmed my nerves for a few minutes and then walked around a bit in the chapel. It is a really pretty little area with stained glass panels and as I was looking around I noticed a prayer book. Many people had written in it over the months asking God for help and it was sort of neat. I decided that it couldn't hurt so I wrote my own prayer down.
I went back to the receptionist area at 8:15 and checked in (Yay! I followed procedure this time!)
The receptionist looked flustered all over again as she was entering me in the computer and then asked, "Did Dr. A really just meet you in the lobby??" I just looked at her with big eyes and said, "Yes, she really did." Another BAD different. Well, maybe just annoying.
I went back into the room and chatted briefly with Dr. A and then waited. And waited. And waited. Dr. A checked in and said it would just be another 5-10 minutes and to hang tight. My regular doctor stopped by to cheer me on and tell me that she was thinking positive thoughts. (I love her!) I felt good that I had two doctors watching over me and taking care of everything. A definite GOOD different.
So, I was waiting and I started listening to the talk just outside the doors...I started noticing the word sperm quite a bit. I focused in and listening and the nurses were actually joking about the sperm being "washed". I kid you not. They were giggling like little school girls. All in good fun, I do not think they were being mean or trying to be insensitive but seriously? I could hear everything. One of the kept saying that she was "guarding" the sperm and it was a very important duty! At one point I heard a timer ding and then someone say loudly, "Dr. A - your sperm is done!!!" giggle, giggle. So, that? Was BAD different.
FINALLY, Dr. A came in and did the IUI. She said everything went really, really well. (I'm sure it had much to do with that one nurse "guarding" DH's sperm.) The IUI was quick and uneventful. I asked about count and (to my surprise) she said that she does not do a count analysis because she is not officially trained on that aspect and does not feel comfortable with it. She said from looking at the sample, it appeared to be good. Lots of swimmers and movement. Hmm...that means nothing to me. I was a little disappointed but, oh well. I guess it gives me one less thing to obsess about and at this point it really doesn't matter. His count this time won't effect our future treatment plans. I already know that our next (and best) option is IVF and we're not headed down that path anyway. Well, not unless someone knows how to get us a free one! No? Didn't think so.
So, that is that. I am officially inseminated and in the dreaded 2ww.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Triggered
I triggered last night at 8:30pm. My best friend came over and gave me the shot, no problem. She did a great job and it didn't even hurt going in - although my butt cheek is sure sore now!
IUI is scheduled for 8:30am tomorrow morning (CD15), exactly 36 hours after trigger. I am a little obsessed with the timing because I have been feeling my ovaries like crazy and I am so uncomfortable. Yesterday, I would have sworn that I was ovulating because of how crampy I was but I had an u/s and saw for myself that the follicles were still there. Today, I do not feel as much as yesterday but if I remember correctly, during my last IUIs I started feeling a lot more around 24 hours post trigger. I just am scared of missing the window!
I need to force myself to relax and realize that it is out of my hands. It will either happen or it won't.
IUI is scheduled for 8:30am tomorrow morning (CD15), exactly 36 hours after trigger. I am a little obsessed with the timing because I have been feeling my ovaries like crazy and I am so uncomfortable. Yesterday, I would have sworn that I was ovulating because of how crampy I was but I had an u/s and saw for myself that the follicles were still there. Today, I do not feel as much as yesterday but if I remember correctly, during my last IUIs I started feeling a lot more around 24 hours post trigger. I just am scared of missing the window!
I need to force myself to relax and realize that it is out of my hands. It will either happen or it won't.
Monday, April 20, 2009
It's a go
I went in for my second follicle check on Sunday, CD12 and things looked good but were not quite ready yet. I had three follicles: 13mm, 15mm, 17mm. The 13 and 15 were on my right side and the 17mm was on my left. My left is ALWAYS the one I ovulate from. I was a little disappointed as I have always had two follicles on my left side and this time I only had one.
I had another u/s today - CD13 - and I now have two 18mm follicles, one on each side. Very interesting. They both looked good, my lining looked good and I trigger tonight. She didn't mention the other follicle (the 13mm) and I didn't ask. I also didn't see much of anything other than the two big ones so I am guessing that it didn't grow and wasn't worth mentioning? Not sure.
So, two follicles which puts me on par for what I've had in the past. For some reason, I keep feeling let down as if two is not enough. But that is just silly. Two is plenty. Two is better than one. Two leaves me with plenty of possibility. And hope. I am REALLY, REALLY hoping.
I am triggering with Novarel (sp?) which is new for me. I've always had Ovidrel in the past. This is an IM shot versus a Sub Q shot. The needle is much longer than the Ovidrel shot and goes in my butt instead of my belly. Lucky for me, my best friend is an RN and is coming over tonight to give me the shot. DH would probably get too nervous and I am not sure I could do it to myself. The Sub Q shot I did by myself no problem but the needle was smaller and I could see my belly a lot better than my butt.
IUI#4 is set for Wednesday morning at 8:30am. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.
I had another u/s today - CD13 - and I now have two 18mm follicles, one on each side. Very interesting. They both looked good, my lining looked good and I trigger tonight. She didn't mention the other follicle (the 13mm) and I didn't ask. I also didn't see much of anything other than the two big ones so I am guessing that it didn't grow and wasn't worth mentioning? Not sure.
So, two follicles which puts me on par for what I've had in the past. For some reason, I keep feeling let down as if two is not enough. But that is just silly. Two is plenty. Two is better than one. Two leaves me with plenty of possibility. And hope. I am REALLY, REALLY hoping.
I am triggering with Novarel (sp?) which is new for me. I've always had Ovidrel in the past. This is an IM shot versus a Sub Q shot. The needle is much longer than the Ovidrel shot and goes in my butt instead of my belly. Lucky for me, my best friend is an RN and is coming over tonight to give me the shot. DH would probably get too nervous and I am not sure I could do it to myself. The Sub Q shot I did by myself no problem but the needle was smaller and I could see my belly a lot better than my butt.
IUI#4 is set for Wednesday morning at 8:30am. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.
Friday, April 17, 2009
CD10
I had an u/s to check on my follicles this afternoon and all looked good. I had one large follicle on each side - one at 11mm and one at 12mm. I was a little disappointed as I had hoped to have a little stronger (or different?) response to taking the Clomid a bit early this cycle. But I have to remind myself that CD10 is earlier than I have ever had a follicle check before and also two dominant follicles is great. Even though I would love to say that I have four big follicles, I also do not want multiples so I should be content. It is just that the more and the bigger the follicles are, the better our changes are. Oh well. Overall, I feel good.
I go back in on Sunday morning, CD12, and have another check. Dr. A is sure that I'll be ready to trigger on Sunday night and have the IUI on Tuesday, CD14. You know me - just like clockwork. What an irony.
I am still hopeful that this may be the cycle for us. I must admit that I have a bit of a nagging voice in the back of my mind because I have not given up caffeine this cycle as I have in the past. There have been times when I've gone months without caffeine and it never did me any good so I figured, screw it. I'm not quiting this time. It's not like I drink much anyway - one cup of coffee in the morning. A diet coke now and then. Big deal, right?
Hopefully, everything will look great on Sunday and we'll get this show on the road.
I go back in on Sunday morning, CD12, and have another check. Dr. A is sure that I'll be ready to trigger on Sunday night and have the IUI on Tuesday, CD14. You know me - just like clockwork. What an irony.
I am still hopeful that this may be the cycle for us. I must admit that I have a bit of a nagging voice in the back of my mind because I have not given up caffeine this cycle as I have in the past. There have been times when I've gone months without caffeine and it never did me any good so I figured, screw it. I'm not quiting this time. It's not like I drink much anyway - one cup of coffee in the morning. A diet coke now and then. Big deal, right?
Hopefully, everything will look great on Sunday and we'll get this show on the road.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Don't Stop Believing
I was driving to my appointment last week and I was feeling pretty down. DH and I were having a little argument (nothing big, just mundane crap) and I was feeling a little unsure about starting another cycle. I was nervous about hoping again, scared of putting my trust back into another doctor and I was expecting to be very disappointed after this appointment I was about to go to. I pulled into the clinic's parking lot, parked and was just about to turn my vehicle off when a song started on the radio.
Don't Stop Believing.
Coincidence? Maybe. But I'd like to think of it as a sign. I believe in those, I really do. Looking back at every important or life-changing event that has happened in my life, there was a sign. Sometimes subtle, sometimes not but I can think of something at every occurrence. It's weird, it's like a mental turning point. I am hoping that hearing that song - at that specific time, a time when I was seriously considering giving up - is the sign. The turning point. We will see. Why am I so optimistic you ask? Well, the appointment went great.
I listened to that entire song before going in and when I finally started walking towards the clinic doors, I sincerely felt hope. For the first time in a long time.
I had gotten a message earlier in the day from my doctor. She said that she was going to change my appointment and schedule me with her colleague, Dr. A. She said Dr. A not only specialized in fertility in her residency but also had gone through it herself. She personally had gone through IUI and had twins as a result. My doctor said that she would be there for me every step of the way but that Dr. A would in charge of my treatment cycle. At first I was a bit put off by this because I LOVE my doctor and thought she would be the person to treat me but as I was walking to the clinic doors I decided to trust her and her recommendation of Dr. A.
Dr. A impressed me within minutes. She answered all my questions easily and sincerely. She told me that she would be handling every. single. aspect. of my treatment cycle. She would be doing all ultrasounds, monitoring, washing of the semen, IUI, EVERYTHING. Her - by herself - would be treating me. That means I have one-on-one treatment with a doctor that has a very vested interest in me as a patient. Because did I mention - I am her first IUI patient.
I had my baseline u/s on Friday and everything looked great. I had asked her about progesterone supplements at my initial appointment and she brought print outs of research and studies that she'd been reading up on. I was impressed! She validated everything I had been saying about progesterone. I do not need it. I have great hormone levels, I had a healthy, successful pregnancy already and most importantly, I ovulate on my own already. I am on the lowest does of Clomid and it is not effecting my hormone levels. She said that there is no benefit and that it is just an added expense for me. Wow - someone who looks at me as an individual and not just another generalized protocol patient.
Dr. A also told me that she'd like me to take the Clomid on CD3-7 vs. CD5-9. Again - validation! This is something that I have asked about SO many times before. Everything I've read has said that if you ovulate on your own, you should be taking Clomid on CD3-7. This way you start Clomid before your body starts doing what it normally would. It's like pre-programming. At the IF clinic, they just said that my Dr. does CD5-9 on every patient.
Oh- and I did ask her about injectables vs. Clomid and she agreed with many of you. There would be no benefit for me from injectables. I ovulate on my own and respond well to Clomid. She said that unless I am looking to have a "litter" that she does NOT recommend that route. The unfortunate news is that she says we have two options: IUI w/Clomid or IVF with ICSI. There is no medium ground for us that isn't a waste of time and money. This is not news to me, I've always known that IVF is probably our best shot. But we aren't going there so it is a few more tries of IUI for us.
Today is CD7 so this will be my last Clomid day and then I go in on Friday, CD10 for an u/s. She said that she likes to do an earlier u/s than just the standard CD12 u/s so that is good too. I will know on Friday how things are developing and get a better idea of when I will trigger.
It just feels good to be treated by a doctor who truly looks at me as an individual case. It is very refreshing. Also, it is a 8-10 minute drive from my house which is soooooo convenient! I don't have to worry about any scheduling conflicts with home or work.
Will this doctor make all the difference? Who knows. At least I don't feel invisible anymore. At least when I ask questions about ME and MY CYCLE, I get answers that are well thought out and even researched on my behalf. Because I deserve that. After all this time, I deserve a doctor who cares.
I have officially been TTC for 47 months total, 29 months this time around. Wow. Time sure flies when you are having fun, huh?
Don't Stop Believing.
Coincidence? Maybe. But I'd like to think of it as a sign. I believe in those, I really do. Looking back at every important or life-changing event that has happened in my life, there was a sign. Sometimes subtle, sometimes not but I can think of something at every occurrence. It's weird, it's like a mental turning point. I am hoping that hearing that song - at that specific time, a time when I was seriously considering giving up - is the sign. The turning point. We will see. Why am I so optimistic you ask? Well, the appointment went great.
I listened to that entire song before going in and when I finally started walking towards the clinic doors, I sincerely felt hope. For the first time in a long time.
I had gotten a message earlier in the day from my doctor. She said that she was going to change my appointment and schedule me with her colleague, Dr. A. She said Dr. A not only specialized in fertility in her residency but also had gone through it herself. She personally had gone through IUI and had twins as a result. My doctor said that she would be there for me every step of the way but that Dr. A would in charge of my treatment cycle. At first I was a bit put off by this because I LOVE my doctor and thought she would be the person to treat me but as I was walking to the clinic doors I decided to trust her and her recommendation of Dr. A.
Dr. A impressed me within minutes. She answered all my questions easily and sincerely. She told me that she would be handling every. single. aspect. of my treatment cycle. She would be doing all ultrasounds, monitoring, washing of the semen, IUI, EVERYTHING. Her - by herself - would be treating me. That means I have one-on-one treatment with a doctor that has a very vested interest in me as a patient. Because did I mention - I am her first IUI patient.
I had my baseline u/s on Friday and everything looked great. I had asked her about progesterone supplements at my initial appointment and she brought print outs of research and studies that she'd been reading up on. I was impressed! She validated everything I had been saying about progesterone. I do not need it. I have great hormone levels, I had a healthy, successful pregnancy already and most importantly, I ovulate on my own already. I am on the lowest does of Clomid and it is not effecting my hormone levels. She said that there is no benefit and that it is just an added expense for me. Wow - someone who looks at me as an individual and not just another generalized protocol patient.
Dr. A also told me that she'd like me to take the Clomid on CD3-7 vs. CD5-9. Again - validation! This is something that I have asked about SO many times before. Everything I've read has said that if you ovulate on your own, you should be taking Clomid on CD3-7. This way you start Clomid before your body starts doing what it normally would. It's like pre-programming. At the IF clinic, they just said that my Dr. does CD5-9 on every patient.
Oh- and I did ask her about injectables vs. Clomid and she agreed with many of you. There would be no benefit for me from injectables. I ovulate on my own and respond well to Clomid. She said that unless I am looking to have a "litter" that she does NOT recommend that route. The unfortunate news is that she says we have two options: IUI w/Clomid or IVF with ICSI. There is no medium ground for us that isn't a waste of time and money. This is not news to me, I've always known that IVF is probably our best shot. But we aren't going there so it is a few more tries of IUI for us.
Today is CD7 so this will be my last Clomid day and then I go in on Friday, CD10 for an u/s. She said that she likes to do an earlier u/s than just the standard CD12 u/s so that is good too. I will know on Friday how things are developing and get a better idea of when I will trigger.
It just feels good to be treated by a doctor who truly looks at me as an individual case. It is very refreshing. Also, it is a 8-10 minute drive from my house which is soooooo convenient! I don't have to worry about any scheduling conflicts with home or work.
Will this doctor make all the difference? Who knows. At least I don't feel invisible anymore. At least when I ask questions about ME and MY CYCLE, I get answers that are well thought out and even researched on my behalf. Because I deserve that. After all this time, I deserve a doctor who cares.
I have officially been TTC for 47 months total, 29 months this time around. Wow. Time sure flies when you are having fun, huh?
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I'm up in the air. Help!
I need to quit waiting so long to post because when I finally do get around to posting, I feel as though I have so much to talk about that I don't know where to start!
I am on CD26 and just waiting for my period to show up so I can FINALLY begin another treatment cycle! I have an appointment on Tuesday morning (which will hopefully be CD1) with my regular OB/GYN to discuss the possibility of doing an IUI with her. I am pretty torn on this and I'll have about 24 hours to decide whether to go with her or go back to our fertility clinic.
I was really hoping that going with my regular doc would be cheaper because (1) this will be the first time they have ever offered IF services and (2) they are not specialists in the area. This is just a small town clinic so it seems logical to have thought that but it turns out that it is about the same cost. So, I think I'll make a pros/cons list.
Pros
I am on CD26 and just waiting for my period to show up so I can FINALLY begin another treatment cycle! I have an appointment on Tuesday morning (which will hopefully be CD1) with my regular OB/GYN to discuss the possibility of doing an IUI with her. I am pretty torn on this and I'll have about 24 hours to decide whether to go with her or go back to our fertility clinic.
I was really hoping that going with my regular doc would be cheaper because (1) this will be the first time they have ever offered IF services and (2) they are not specialists in the area. This is just a small town clinic so it seems logical to have thought that but it turns out that it is about the same cost. So, I think I'll make a pros/cons list.
Pros
I LOVE my doctor and trust her completely
If there is a way to cut costs, she'll find it
I'd be treated by a doctor that I know and trust - not a nurse that I have never met before
It is a 10 minute drive to our local clinic vs. a hour drive (without traffic, so sometimes longer)
I would get a lot of time and attention since this is their first ever IUI
Cons
They aren't specialists in the area of IF or Male Factor
The cost isn't any cheaper
DH is nervous about providing his "sample" at our local clinic where you know everybody talks and will know exactly what he is there for
There is no anonymity and everybody is not there for the same reason that you are
The lab capabilities make me a little leary
Questions for Tuesday:
Who will be doing the lab work (the doctors? I hope)
Would it be possible for DH to do his thing at home and have me bring it in right away?
What are her thoughts on injectables vs. clomid?
What is there experience with follicle monitoring and do they feel comfortable with the equipment available?
Do they recommend back to back IUIs? Would that be included in the price?
Hmmm...I'm sure I'll think of more before then. I am nervous about moving away from the clinic that specialized in IF but then again, I haven't found success with them either. So, why not give it a shot with an awesome doctor who has a vested interest in my positive outcome??
Anyone have any advice on this subject??
Also, anyone have any advice on moving away from Clomid to injectables? Remember, I ovulate on my own.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A conclusion is nearing
I have been so terrible about blogging lately, I apologize. I still have a million thoughts bouncing around in my head but it seems when I am not in the middle of a treatment, I am less likely to post. I really need to get out of that bad habit because I am pretty sure my treatment days are very limited and I definitely don't plan to quit my blog once we are doing TTC.
We just got back from vacation and it was wonderful. Too short, but SO nice to get away. We were able to get out of the snow and cold (I heard it there were -20 wind chills that week) and into the sun and 85 degree warmth of Florida. We went to the same place that DH and I got married and it was pretty neat because it was the first time that we brought Keegan. He was so good and loved every minute of it - which only made me want to stay longer! I think next year we will go for a longer trip, five days was just waaaaay too short.
It was not our "normal" vacation since Keegan was along and therefore, DH and I didn't have any real alone time but we still managed a few good talks during our time in FL. At one point I told him that I would really, truly love to have a place of our own there someday and he agreed that it is something that we should eventually look into. It is just such a special place for us, it's where we started our life together. That's not the only reason we love it. We also just love the vibe of the Island, the food, the local "joints" and the gorgeous beach. We've traveled a lot of different places but this is the only place that we come back to again and again. It's our place.
The other topic that kept surfacing between us was a quitting TTC time frame. Our conclusion? Six months. Six more months of giving it our all (well, with limitations. No IVF, etc.) and then we are done. Six months from now we will be at the three year mark. Three years!! If we are not successful at that time, we will take the deepest breath possible and let go. DH brought up the six month time frame first but the more I thought about it, the more I agreed. At some point, you just have to be done. To accept your reality and get on with the life you were blessed with. It may not be the future that I had originally dreamed of but it is the hand we were dealt and when looking at the big picture? We have it pretty good.
Keegan is my saving grace. Without him, I'm sure we'd have a very different mindset. We would most definitely pursue IVF. With Keegan, it just does not make sense to take out a loan for that amount of money just for the possibility of getting pregnant. I'd rather use that money for Keegan's college education. He is our priority and I do not want to lose focus of that. I do not want to keep throwing good money after bad for a CHANCE of a pregnancy when we have a wonderful son right in front of us with needs of his own. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some, but it does to us.
Keegan also deserves a mentally healthy mom who is not preoccupied with TTC, treatment schedules, fertility drug-induced hormones, money, etc. I should be focusing on him and how lucky I am to have him in my life. I was blessed with a natural, healthy pregnancy and a perfect, healthy child. There is absolutely no reason not to be grateful for that. The only regret I honestly will have trouble letting go of is that I cannot give Keegan a sibling. He deserves that.
Whew! How's that for deep thoughts this morning.
I am doing fine. I'm just catching up at work after being off and waiting for next cycle when we try another IUI. I am only on CD 9 and so we'll try naturally this cycle (we were in FL during CD1-5 so we couldn't start an IUI cycle) but these days a natural cycle is like the biggest long-shot so I don't really even consider it trying.
I am hoping that my regular doctor pulls through and will be able to do an IUI with us next cycle. I'd rather do a cycle with her but if she is not ready yet, I think we'll go ahead with our fertility clinic. Now that the end is in site, I do not want to waste any more precious time. I think the last IUI we did was in October (wow!) so it has been a very long break and I am ready to try again.
Three years is a long time. Too long. I'm not giving up yet - I really am not - but eventually, every story must come to an end. I just don't know what the conclusion to ours will bring.
We just got back from vacation and it was wonderful. Too short, but SO nice to get away. We were able to get out of the snow and cold (I heard it there were -20 wind chills that week) and into the sun and 85 degree warmth of Florida. We went to the same place that DH and I got married and it was pretty neat because it was the first time that we brought Keegan. He was so good and loved every minute of it - which only made me want to stay longer! I think next year we will go for a longer trip, five days was just waaaaay too short.
It was not our "normal" vacation since Keegan was along and therefore, DH and I didn't have any real alone time but we still managed a few good talks during our time in FL. At one point I told him that I would really, truly love to have a place of our own there someday and he agreed that it is something that we should eventually look into. It is just such a special place for us, it's where we started our life together. That's not the only reason we love it. We also just love the vibe of the Island, the food, the local "joints" and the gorgeous beach. We've traveled a lot of different places but this is the only place that we come back to again and again. It's our place.
The other topic that kept surfacing between us was a quitting TTC time frame. Our conclusion? Six months. Six more months of giving it our all (well, with limitations. No IVF, etc.) and then we are done. Six months from now we will be at the three year mark. Three years!! If we are not successful at that time, we will take the deepest breath possible and let go. DH brought up the six month time frame first but the more I thought about it, the more I agreed. At some point, you just have to be done. To accept your reality and get on with the life you were blessed with. It may not be the future that I had originally dreamed of but it is the hand we were dealt and when looking at the big picture? We have it pretty good.
Keegan is my saving grace. Without him, I'm sure we'd have a very different mindset. We would most definitely pursue IVF. With Keegan, it just does not make sense to take out a loan for that amount of money just for the possibility of getting pregnant. I'd rather use that money for Keegan's college education. He is our priority and I do not want to lose focus of that. I do not want to keep throwing good money after bad for a CHANCE of a pregnancy when we have a wonderful son right in front of us with needs of his own. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some, but it does to us.
Keegan also deserves a mentally healthy mom who is not preoccupied with TTC, treatment schedules, fertility drug-induced hormones, money, etc. I should be focusing on him and how lucky I am to have him in my life. I was blessed with a natural, healthy pregnancy and a perfect, healthy child. There is absolutely no reason not to be grateful for that. The only regret I honestly will have trouble letting go of is that I cannot give Keegan a sibling. He deserves that.
Whew! How's that for deep thoughts this morning.
I am doing fine. I'm just catching up at work after being off and waiting for next cycle when we try another IUI. I am only on CD 9 and so we'll try naturally this cycle (we were in FL during CD1-5 so we couldn't start an IUI cycle) but these days a natural cycle is like the biggest long-shot so I don't really even consider it trying.
I am hoping that my regular doctor pulls through and will be able to do an IUI with us next cycle. I'd rather do a cycle with her but if she is not ready yet, I think we'll go ahead with our fertility clinic. Now that the end is in site, I do not want to waste any more precious time. I think the last IUI we did was in October (wow!) so it has been a very long break and I am ready to try again.
Three years is a long time. Too long. I'm not giving up yet - I really am not - but eventually, every story must come to an end. I just don't know what the conclusion to ours will bring.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Sensory overload!
Last night, I invited my sister and new baby over as well as my pregnant best friend and her two daughters over. Whoa. I think that is a big step...purposely surrounding myself with the newborn and the baby belly. And really? I did just fine. I can't help but LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that little baby. She smells so darn good, I swear I could just eat her up. What is that baby smell anyway??
As for my best friend...I realized two things. One, I have been avoiding her. Two, the pregnancy part is harder for me that the baby part.
With my sister, all my awkward, sad, mad, jealous and confused feelings disappeared with the birth of my niece. Except, when I look at my best friend (who is already showing! At 11 wks!), they have obviously moved from my sister to her. I feel awkward and a bit short with her. When she complains about feeling sick, I get mad. When I look at her little belly bump, I get sad. When we talk about whether it will be a boy or a girl, I get jealous. Last night, I was just wishing it was September already! (Which is when she is due)
Isn't it weird that the pregnancy part bothers me more than the baby part? Especially, since pregnancy brings so many unpleasant side effects and newborns? Hmmm, we'll I guess there is a downside to that too. It look a year after Keegan was born before I slept through the night. God, that kid loved to wake up for the day at 4 or 5 in the morning for the longest time! I hated that!
Anyway, it was a nice night. I was happy to hang out with both of them - they are my two best friends after all. But it was nice when they left too. DH was working late so once they left, I gave Keegan a bath and then he and I snuggled up on the couch to watch TV. He fell asleep about 15 minutes into Grey's so then I just held him close (that never happens!) and watched the whole (2 hours!!) of the Grey's/PP combo completely uninterrupted. It was GREAT. Plus, I just kept staring down at my sleeping "baby" thanking God that he was in my life.
No matter what happens, I am SO lucky to have been blessed with Keegan.
As for my best friend...I realized two things. One, I have been avoiding her. Two, the pregnancy part is harder for me that the baby part.
With my sister, all my awkward, sad, mad, jealous and confused feelings disappeared with the birth of my niece. Except, when I look at my best friend (who is already showing! At 11 wks!), they have obviously moved from my sister to her. I feel awkward and a bit short with her. When she complains about feeling sick, I get mad. When I look at her little belly bump, I get sad. When we talk about whether it will be a boy or a girl, I get jealous. Last night, I was just wishing it was September already! (Which is when she is due)
Isn't it weird that the pregnancy part bothers me more than the baby part? Especially, since pregnancy brings so many unpleasant side effects and newborns? Hmmm, we'll I guess there is a downside to that too. It look a year after Keegan was born before I slept through the night. God, that kid loved to wake up for the day at 4 or 5 in the morning for the longest time! I hated that!
Anyway, it was a nice night. I was happy to hang out with both of them - they are my two best friends after all. But it was nice when they left too. DH was working late so once they left, I gave Keegan a bath and then he and I snuggled up on the couch to watch TV. He fell asleep about 15 minutes into Grey's so then I just held him close (that never happens!) and watched the whole (2 hours!!) of the Grey's/PP combo completely uninterrupted. It was GREAT. Plus, I just kept staring down at my sleeping "baby" thanking God that he was in my life.
No matter what happens, I am SO lucky to have been blessed with Keegan.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The shortest treatment cycle in history!
Well, so much for that idea. Like I said, I made my baseline u/s appointment for Monday (yesterday) but after checking the calendar for the third time, I realized there was a work conflict on my end. I am always worried about DH's schedule because he is a pilot and if he is on a flight, well, then he is on a flight and there isn't any flexibility around it. So, I wasn't really paying attention to my schedule because I usually can move things around. Except this time. In all of February, there is one date at work that I cannot miss. It is February 20 - better known as CD14. IUI day. Granted, I could possible trigger and ovulate/IUI on CD15 but it is too expensive of a gamble. I would hate to be $800 into a cycle and find out I had to cancel the IUI.
So, we are on hold. Again.
Oh well, I'm doing my best to take it in stride and realize (hope?) that everything happens for a reason. We are also going to try, really hard, on our own this cycle. We haven't done this for awhile. I mean, naturally. I think we are going to follow the same timing as if we were doing an IUI and abstain for 2-3 days leading up to ovulation. We'll see, it is what it is and we'll do the best we can.
In other news, my regular OB doc (I'll call her Dr. G) - who I LOVE and TRUST is about one month away from doing IUIs at our local clinic. While this may make some of you cringe, I am very excited. Here's a bit of background: her medical partner (Dr. A) is young (I think around 29 or 30) and she specialized in fertility. She also has experienced infertility, first hand. In fact, she conceived her twins through IUI. Both Dr. G and Dr. A have wanted to start up IF treatments and have worked hard to get the program approved. My Dr G, knows what I've been going through and has been helping me out as much as possible, where she is able to, ie, my "exploratory" surgery in December. To make a long story a bit shorter, Dr. G asked if I would be interested in being their first client. I said yes!
This means that I will have treatment in my hometown, no longer will have have to drive two hours round trip for a 10 minute appointment. I will be a 5-10 minute drive away at all times. I already have a direct line of communication with Dr. G via email and this will continue so I will be able to email my doctor at anytime I have a question or concern during treatment. I also will be seen ONLY by doctors, Dr. G and Dr. A to be specific. And I will only be seen by doctors who know me, my face and my history. I will not be just another case to them. It will be cheaper because they are not in it to milk me for every penny and I will have interest free financing available to me directly through their clinic if need be. And best of all, they will have a very vested interested in me because I will be their first and only patient. They will give me top of the line attention and care. Oh, and did I mention that I LOVE Dr. G?
So, we'll see how it all plays out. Dr. G emailed me yesterday and told me that they should be ready to roll by next cycle. I hope so! I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just have a good feeling about the whole thing.
That's all for today. I am going to wrap this up and head home for the night. I'm looking forward to a non-eventful night of watching AI on the couch. Or "Sing Show" as Keegan calls it.
So, we are on hold. Again.
Oh well, I'm doing my best to take it in stride and realize (hope?) that everything happens for a reason. We are also going to try, really hard, on our own this cycle. We haven't done this for awhile. I mean, naturally. I think we are going to follow the same timing as if we were doing an IUI and abstain for 2-3 days leading up to ovulation. We'll see, it is what it is and we'll do the best we can.
In other news, my regular OB doc (I'll call her Dr. G) - who I LOVE and TRUST is about one month away from doing IUIs at our local clinic. While this may make some of you cringe, I am very excited. Here's a bit of background: her medical partner (Dr. A) is young (I think around 29 or 30) and she specialized in fertility. She also has experienced infertility, first hand. In fact, she conceived her twins through IUI. Both Dr. G and Dr. A have wanted to start up IF treatments and have worked hard to get the program approved. My Dr G, knows what I've been going through and has been helping me out as much as possible, where she is able to, ie, my "exploratory" surgery in December. To make a long story a bit shorter, Dr. G asked if I would be interested in being their first client. I said yes!
This means that I will have treatment in my hometown, no longer will have have to drive two hours round trip for a 10 minute appointment. I will be a 5-10 minute drive away at all times. I already have a direct line of communication with Dr. G via email and this will continue so I will be able to email my doctor at anytime I have a question or concern during treatment. I also will be seen ONLY by doctors, Dr. G and Dr. A to be specific. And I will only be seen by doctors who know me, my face and my history. I will not be just another case to them. It will be cheaper because they are not in it to milk me for every penny and I will have interest free financing available to me directly through their clinic if need be. And best of all, they will have a very vested interested in me because I will be their first and only patient. They will give me top of the line attention and care. Oh, and did I mention that I LOVE Dr. G?
So, we'll see how it all plays out. Dr. G emailed me yesterday and told me that they should be ready to roll by next cycle. I hope so! I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just have a good feeling about the whole thing.
That's all for today. I am going to wrap this up and head home for the night. I'm looking forward to a non-eventful night of watching AI on the couch. Or "Sing Show" as Keegan calls it.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
The Secret
Yep, so I gave it my best shot and I tested out the theory of that book. And guess what??
It didn't work. LOL. Well, to be fair I am guessing that you are supposed to give it more than a one month trial. But whatever. I tried. All last cycle, I practiced thinking positive thoughts. I focused on the word PREGNANT and any time I would catch myself thinking otherwise, I'd give myself a mental kick and repeat the P word over and over. I didn't check any of my IF blogs even once (sorry guys!) and I wouldn't even let myself think or even look at the word infertility - which means I couldn't go to my own blog and update. Too much negativity!!
In that time I also experienced the birth of my perfect, beautiful niece. And let me tell you, she is PERFECT. I was blessed to be in the room during her birth and was one of the very first people see her. I even got to cut the cord! Any fear of negative feelings toward her or my sister vanished the moment that baby made her way into the world. Honestly, I cannot tell you how much love I feel for both of them or how much of a relief that was to me. A couple nights after her birth, I was on the phone with my sister and I thanked her again for letting me be a part of the birth and that very special day. I started tearing up and told my sister it meant so much to me to be there - I savored every moment, knowing that I may never again get to experience giving birth firsthand. I think I caught my sister off guard when I said that because she got emotional too and it was a really special moment for us. I know she now understands how much of a blessing pregnancy and birth really is.
So, here I am. Still not pregnant (in fact, today is CD1). But really, I'm doing okay. I called this morning and scheduled a baseline u/s for Monday afternoon and here we go with IUI #4.
Maybe the theory of that books works, maybe it takes awhile. Who knows? I know a lot can be said for the power of positive thinking so I will continue to do my best to head down that path. BUT, I will be back to blogging and catching up on all of you as well. I think I can manage a good balance.
It didn't work. LOL. Well, to be fair I am guessing that you are supposed to give it more than a one month trial. But whatever. I tried. All last cycle, I practiced thinking positive thoughts. I focused on the word PREGNANT and any time I would catch myself thinking otherwise, I'd give myself a mental kick and repeat the P word over and over. I didn't check any of my IF blogs even once (sorry guys!) and I wouldn't even let myself think or even look at the word infertility - which means I couldn't go to my own blog and update. Too much negativity!!
In that time I also experienced the birth of my perfect, beautiful niece. And let me tell you, she is PERFECT. I was blessed to be in the room during her birth and was one of the very first people see her. I even got to cut the cord! Any fear of negative feelings toward her or my sister vanished the moment that baby made her way into the world. Honestly, I cannot tell you how much love I feel for both of them or how much of a relief that was to me. A couple nights after her birth, I was on the phone with my sister and I thanked her again for letting me be a part of the birth and that very special day. I started tearing up and told my sister it meant so much to me to be there - I savored every moment, knowing that I may never again get to experience giving birth firsthand. I think I caught my sister off guard when I said that because she got emotional too and it was a really special moment for us. I know she now understands how much of a blessing pregnancy and birth really is.
So, here I am. Still not pregnant (in fact, today is CD1). But really, I'm doing okay. I called this morning and scheduled a baseline u/s for Monday afternoon and here we go with IUI #4.
Maybe the theory of that books works, maybe it takes awhile. Who knows? I know a lot can be said for the power of positive thinking so I will continue to do my best to head down that path. BUT, I will be back to blogging and catching up on all of you as well. I think I can manage a good balance.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Kicked in the stomach
That's what it feels like right now. On Saturday morning, I got my period and...my best friend got a positive pregnancy test. Probably about the same exact time. And while it was expected (I knew she was trying and I knew she was as fertile as the day is long), it is REALLY hard for me.
You know when you have a really terrible dream and even after you wake up you still have that awful feeling like there is something very wrong? That is how I have felt ever since Saturday. That something is VERY wrong and I cannot shake this terrible feeling.
She is my very best friend in the whole world and understands (as best she can) about what I am going through and how difficult this is for me. I love her and only want the best for her but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. It is so much about me, not about her and even though I know how selfish that is, I can't help but feel it just the same. To make everything worse, we could have been due within days of each other.
So, here I sit...my sister about to give birth - literally any day. (Again, I her and I would have been a DAY apart if our 2nd IUI would have worked.) When I found out that she was pregnant waaaaay back in May, I prayed to God that at the very least I would be pregnant by the time she had this oops baby. Deep down, I never thought that wouldn't happen. Guess what? It did. And with the lack of pregnancy on my part, He went ahead and blessed my best friend with a pregnancy on my last chance before my sister's baby was born. Is this a joke? Is He up there laughing at me? Sometimes, I feel that way.
To give you a little background on my friend, she has tried a total of five months for three pregnancies (this will be her third child). I have tried a total of 45 months and still have not been able to conceive a second baby. Not that it is a contest - but you can see where I am coming from and why everything about this just sucks.
I need to call her, reassure her that I still love her and that I am happy for her (well, on some level) but I just haven't been able to pick up the phone yet. Of course, when she told me I gave her a hug and we both had tears in our eyes. Like I said, she knows. She gets (as best she can) how hard this is for me. It doesn't make it easier for either of us though.
As for DH and I? I think we are going to do another IUI next cycle and hope for the best. That's all we can do, right?
You know when you have a really terrible dream and even after you wake up you still have that awful feeling like there is something very wrong? That is how I have felt ever since Saturday. That something is VERY wrong and I cannot shake this terrible feeling.
She is my very best friend in the whole world and understands (as best she can) about what I am going through and how difficult this is for me. I love her and only want the best for her but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. It is so much about me, not about her and even though I know how selfish that is, I can't help but feel it just the same. To make everything worse, we could have been due within days of each other.
So, here I sit...my sister about to give birth - literally any day. (Again, I her and I would have been a DAY apart if our 2nd IUI would have worked.) When I found out that she was pregnant waaaaay back in May, I prayed to God that at the very least I would be pregnant by the time she had this oops baby. Deep down, I never thought that wouldn't happen. Guess what? It did. And with the lack of pregnancy on my part, He went ahead and blessed my best friend with a pregnancy on my last chance before my sister's baby was born. Is this a joke? Is He up there laughing at me? Sometimes, I feel that way.
To give you a little background on my friend, she has tried a total of five months for three pregnancies (this will be her third child). I have tried a total of 45 months and still have not been able to conceive a second baby. Not that it is a contest - but you can see where I am coming from and why everything about this just sucks.
I need to call her, reassure her that I still love her and that I am happy for her (well, on some level) but I just haven't been able to pick up the phone yet. Of course, when she told me I gave her a hug and we both had tears in our eyes. Like I said, she knows. She gets (as best she can) how hard this is for me. It doesn't make it easier for either of us though.
As for DH and I? I think we are going to do another IUI next cycle and hope for the best. That's all we can do, right?
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