A new week

Last week was HORRIBLE. I was doing way too much internalizing and after some not so nice comments from DH Friday morning - I just exploded. I started crying and felt like I would never stop and it would never be okay again. DH had been crabby and short with me all week and it was really wearing on me. I was so wrapped up in my own hurt that I just did not have the energy to deal with his too.

All week, I had been feeling so sad and mostly angry. I was digging really, really deep to just go about my day and somehow function somewhat normally at work. On top of it, I was coming off of all the fertility meds from the last six weeks and I'm sure that added to my emotional state. I also had the worst period I've ever had (to be expected, I'm sure) but man, I had terrible cramps that would keep me up at night, headaches and I was bleeding like crazy. Although, by Thursday my period seemed to have stopped.

On Friday morning as I was getting ready for work I felt a huge gush. I looked down and I had blood all over my robe. It just added to my anger because WTH? I am not used to this shit and I was sick of it all. I cleaned myself up, dropped my robe in the laundry and continued to get ready. Enter DH. He started making some crappy comments to me that I won't even get into but I was doing my best a blowing him off a bit and told him repeatedly that we could talk about it that evening after work as I was leaving in about 10 minutes and now just was not the time. That's when he said something along the lines of, "This week has just not been very enjoyable." While that comment is not horrible - it was said at the worst possible time and with a mean tone. That, my friends, is when I lost my shit. I mean seriously? Not ENJOYABLE? How about completely, absolutely, horseshit? How about want to curl up in a ball under the covers and never come out? How about just concentrating on breathing in and out so you don't start crying and never stop? Not enjoyable my ass.

So, as I was spouting off about all this, he somehow noticed all the blood on my robe and immediately was like, "Why are you bleeding so much?? What's going on??" to which I promptly replied, "My body is fucked up just like everything else in my life!!" Yep, it was not one of my better moments. At that point all my anger drained out and I just felt sad, defeated and alone. I also realized that I had been feeling very alone all week and that wasn't right. DH and I should be leaning on each other - not turning on each other. He must have realized it too because his demeanor changed at that point too and he started hugging me and telling me he loved me.

Needless to say, it was not an ideal state to go to work in. Ugh, I was a mess.

Friday night, we talked more and it helped a lot. I think we were both just very angry and in his case, he was directing at me just because it was easy to do. In my case, I kept everything inside and let it fester until I freaked out. It is so hard to have all this anger inside of you and no one to direct it at! But the truth is, there really is no one to blame and no one to point the finger at. It's nobody's fault that our IVF didn't work and we can't conceive another baby. It is what it is and that is hard to accept.

This week is going much better and DH and I are once again working together and leaning on each other more. I am still very sad and still angry but I am in a better place than I was last week.

A post about anger

I am just so angry right now. This week has gotten progressively worse and I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I am just so angry! I can talk through everything in my head, telling myself to count my blessings, remind myself how hard pregnancy is (I had hyperemesis for much of it), remind myself how much work it is and how little sleep you get when you have a new baby. I can weigh out all the negatives involved with having another baby but the truth of the matter is, no matter how many negatives there are, there is one HUGE positive that outweighs them all - a baby! Life that you and the one you love have created together.

And really, I can get past many of my own selfish needs but I cannot get past Keegan and not being able to give him a sibling. It SUCKS. I hate thinking of him being an only child, it makes me sad and again, ANGRY.

I've been thinking about God a lot and really all it is doing is fueling my anger. DH and I are good people, we love each other, we are good parents, we have a nice house, good jobs...and most of all, we really want this with all our hearts. Why doesn't God bless us with another baby? Why doesn't He listen to our prayers? I have two sisters who had unexpected pregnancies - neither were married at the time (although one is now) and neither was especially happy with the news of their unexpected pregnancy. WTH?? In the time that we've been TTC, I now have an unexpected niece and nephew - but not another baby of my own? How is that fair? I do not understand.

Yes, I know the saying, "Life isn't fair". I get that, now more than ever but I don't understand it. What good is praying? What good can come of this? Right now, I can see myself moving on (because what other choice do I have??) but I can't imagine getting over infertility. It feels that it will forever be a chip on my shoulder. It will forever be a hole in my heart. And I will always feel that someone is missing from our life.

I have four younger sisters and I have to brace myself for all the babies that they will inevitably have. They are all just beginning to get married and are heading in the direction of building their own families. I will have to deal with all the emotions that the next 5-10 years bring and that scares me. How will I not be green with envy or just plain angry every time one of them announces a pregnancy?

I guess I am just having a bit of trouble with accepting that this is the hand we were dealt. This is our reality.

Why are their so many unplanned and unwanted pregnancies in the world and then couples like us?

A.IVF (After In Vitro Fertilization)

Here I am - almost a week out from the news of our negative IVF. I am all over the board with thoughts and emotions, feeling something one minute and not at all the next. There are times when I feel acceptance and time when I feel despair. There are times when I am completely calm and times when I am raging with anger.

I used to be one of those people who believed everything happens for a reason, that there is a bigger plan. Now? I'm not so sure. I'm not an overly religious person but I've always believed in God. Now? I'm really struggling with my faith. I just don't understand why? WHY? And not just why about the negative IVF but why infertility? Not only why us but why does anyone have to go through this struggle? What is the point? What is the bigger picture?

Dh and I decided when we started this IVF process that this would be it. Our last shot and then it was over, we'd throw in the towel and move on from IF once and for all. As tired as I am and as much as I am beaten down by IF, I sort of panicked about the thought that it was over. I mean, how can this be our ending? I don't want to go out this way! I went home that night and told DH the shitty news and I expected him to be angry and say "We're done!" or something along those lines. He actually surprised me by hugging me and having a very rational and honest discussion with me about where we go from here. Truly, it was just what I needed. Not so much because I want to move forward with more treatment, but more so to hear that I could if that is what I needed to do and that is basically what DH told me. He said that he wants a baby more than anything too and if I needed to try another option, that he'd back me. He also said that he is not willing to go through this much longer and that we need to move forward somehow, someway in the very near future. I agree with him completely, it just felt nice to not be backed into a corner.

I think we are just both so hurt by it all. I don't want to give up on our dream but I really don't see any other option. We will not be doing another IVF, that is certain. One, the money! God! Two, 58% chance of success. Our doctor said that everything went "perfectly" this time around and that he could just as easily be calling us with news that we were having twins as he could that it was negative. We had two "great embryos" that just didn't stick. Would it work if we did it again? Who knows, same odds. We were in the 42% end this time and 42% is still very substantial and crappy odds. I also don't know if I could put my body through all that again. I don't know how people manage it six, seven or eight times. Not to mention going through the disappointment again if it doesn't work. It is just such a gamble.

If IVF was free - or covered by insurance? Well, then I would have a lot more soul searching to do. As it stands, neither of us are willing to gamble another $13,000.

Our options? IUI w/injectables or quit. I am probably 30/70, leaning towards quiting. I mean, the odds are so against us. How much heartbreak can a person take? It has been 42 months of this shit. Every additional step we take, we hope for success only to be kicked down again again.
On the other hand, I have a ton of meds left over and I figure what better way to get rid of them? It would be so easy to do an IUI cycle after doing an IVF cycle. It would only cost around $1,000 or so. (Ha! Remember when that seemed like a lot of money?) I don't know...the thought of stepping foot back in that IF clinic makes me want to scream. I hate, hate, hate it.

I am so fucking tired of being infertile, of it all.

It's official

It's negative.

I tested

Yesterday, two days before my beta test...and it was negative. Obviously, it didn't work and we'll remain a family of three. My spirit is crushed.

Transfer complete!

Transfer was Sunday and all went well. We transferred one level two blastocyst and one level two morula. Out of those eight wonderful looking, fertilized eggs - that is what we ended up with for our best chance at success.

It's so weird to think that after having 39 follicles, that is what we were left with! It took the whole freezing debate out of my hands because we weren't even given the option being that none of them were good enough quality. There was one that was borderline but they gave it a 10% chance of surviving thaw so obviously we were not about to spend $5,000 on a 10 % chance of it even thawing let alone transfer.

I feel really good about our two little embryos that were transferred though - they look pretty darn good to me and it only takes one to give us that baby we've been dreaming about!

I felt great after transfer and bed rest was uneventful, I had some minor cramping but it was barely noticeable. Today is my first day up and around I've somehow developed a cold which sucks. I certainly hope it doesn't effect my little embryos in any way. I haven't been taking any sort of cold medicine or anything but it still makes me worry a bit. I'm sure my body is just exhausted and then after laying down for two days straight...ugh.

On a brighter note, much of my bloating has gone down. Friday night was the worst and then it has slowly been going down since then. I have never drank so much water in my life! I've also been working hard on upping my protein and I think that helped a ton.

Now I just wait. I will have a blood test on Tuesday morning - only six days from now. Will I test before that? God only knows. I haven't bought a pregnancy test in years and I'm not sure I want to start now. Staring down at one line would probably break my heart in two.

Thanks for all your support. Please continue to think positive thoughts!!

Good report!

I received my first fertilization report yesterday and it was really good news! I think...
Of the 18 retrieved, 13 were mature eggs. They did ICSI on all 13 and 8 fertilized and started to grow. The embryologist said that they grade level 1 - level 3, 1 being the best, 2 good and 3 poor quality. She prefaced my report by saying that they mostly give out 2s and some 3s but very rarely give out 1s. Then she told me that of my 8, we had one level 1, one level 2+ (which is just shy of a level 1) and all the rest were level 2. NO level 3! Yay!

I am hoping that the report tomorrow is just as good and that they are growing strong. The embryologist was SO nice. She said I could call and check on them anytime before Saturday if I wanted but I decided to just wait it out. I can't do anything anyway so why add more stress, ya know?

I am so bloated and sore still! Ugh. I can't button my pants and it truly looks as though I am five months pregnant. I've been plopping myself down on the couch the minute I get home at night and don't move, other than to go to bed, until the next morning. I've also been drinking a TON of water. I mean, more than I have ever drank in my life. But it doesn't seem to be helping much. I started getting worried this morning that it wasn't normal so I called and the nurse assured me that it was very normal, especially after retrieving so many eggs. As long as I am not throwing up, having trouble breathing or peeing, I should be fine - and I'm all clear as far as those symptoms go. She told me to start taking 60-80 grams of whey protein a day as well as protein shakes and of course, water. It is so uncomfortable but hopefully it will all be worth it in a couple of weeks.

I had my first progesterone shot last night. I was bracing myself for pain but I actually didn't feel a thing and today I am not sore at all. I'm sure this is bound to change but so far, so good. Today is also my last day of antibiotics and I am very glad for that - they just make me sort of yucky. Medications and me do not mix well which is pretty hilarious considering the circumstances!

I just have to make it through work today and then I am off until next Wednesday! I plan to relax as much as possible tonight and tomorrow. I'll probably head to the grocery store to stock up. Transfer is still scheduled for Sunday and then I'll be on bed rest Monday and Tuesday.

Please - oh PLEASE - let this work for us!!

Proud parent to 18 "babies"

Retrieval was yesterday and all went well. We were the first patients of the day and while it was ridiculously early - we had to be there by 6:30am - it was nice to be the only ones there. It felt more private and also that all the attention was on us which was nice for a change with this clinic.

DH and I went over to andrology together and after we took care of that, we went back to the IVF suite (love how they call it that) and met with the anesthesiologist and the doctor. This doctor was mine but I kind of liked her better so it was okay. I really don't like how much limited contact with the doctor they give you during IVF. I only saw him at our consult - otherwise it has just been one random nurse after another. For the amount of money we are forking over, the doctor's presense every now and then would be nice.

At just before 7:30am they took me back to the retrieval room while DH waited back in our "suite". I remember them putting the IV in my arm and that is about it. I woke up IN PAIN!! Wow, I was completely caught off guard at how painful the procedure was going to be. I expected a bit of pain and discomfort but what I woke up to was much more intense. The nurse gave me another dose of morphine in my IV and that took the edge off my left side but my right side was horrible still. It took the maximum amount of morphine they could give me to take the edge off my right (I think it was three or four doses). I was sweating and shaking and miserable until then. I did hear her talking to DH, although I was in and out of being able to concentrate. I heard her say that they retrieved 18 eggs! I was sort of hoping for 20 although I am not sure why but 18 is great and I am really happy with that number. The nurse also told me that there is more pain when they take a higher number of eggs out. I can't believe how much my right side hurt but I also rarely ovulate from my right side and that was the side that had 21 follicles so maybe it was just in freak out mode. Once she got my pain under control, I sipped some water and was told to get dressed. DH helped me out and wheeled me out and down to our car. I think we were on the road by 8:30am.

We had an hour drive home and by the time we arrived home, I pretty much headed to the bathroom and puke my guts out. I think it was all that morphine - ugh! After that, I went right to bed and slept for about 3 or 4 hours. I woke up feeling much better. I ate a little and slept on and off the rest of the afternoon/evening. I have to take four antibiotic pills a day for four days and those are making me pretty nauseous which kind of sucks.

Today, I am back at work but I am still hurting pretty bad and swollen/bloated. I cannot button my pants or it hurts too much. I have to dress up for work so I wore a long sweater and hoping my pants don't fall down. :)

Transfer is Sunday and I am waiting on pins and needles for our first embryo report which will be tomorrow. I really praying that they are growing well and that first phone call brings great news.

It's been a very long road but we are definitely in the home stretch...

The call me the Easter Bunny

Well, last you heard from me I had nine follicles. A good start, right? Well, it turns out my doctor knew what he was doing when he dropped my dosage because when I went in on Friday for my u/s I had 39 follicles. 21 on my right and 19 on my left. No wonder I was getting so uncomfortable!

They took me off all stimming meds and had me coast both Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday, things were looking a little scary and I spend much of the day crying. I thought for sure we were going to have to cancel the cycle. Last Monday my E2 was at 273 and by Saturday it was 3800! I was pretty much an emotional mess. I had a ton of follicles still but about 10 mature ones. The nurse sent me home to coast with orders to rest, drink a TON of water and eat protein. I did the best I could, all the while hoping and praying that we wouldn't have to cancel.

On Sunday, I went back for another u/s and blood draw and everything looked much better. I had 18 mature follicles, my lining was just over 17 and my E2 was around 3300. Whew!! I triggered last night at 7:30pm and today is my first day of no injections - yay! Retrieval is scheduled for 7:30am on Tuesday and I cannot wait. This last week has been a lot more emotionally and physically exhausting than I ever anticipated it to be.

I cannot believe how sore I am! It's no wonder since I have about 40 follicles and my ovaries are rubbing against each other - they've been calling them the kissing ovaries. I can barely button my pants, I am so bloated and even when they are buttoned they just hurt. My back is aching and I'm just so tired!

DH, who has been so wonderful in the months leading up to this, has sort of flaked out on me for some reason. I don't know what his issues are but he has not been very supportive or kind over the last few days. It really hurts a lot because I really, really needed him to be there for me and he just wasn't. I am so lucky that I have the best friend in the world or I don't know what I would have done on Saturday. I probably would have been rocking in a corner somewhere. She listening to me (which was the best thing she could have done for me) crying and venting all afternoon. Then, she brought me flowers, water, almonds, chicken and cheese - all good sources of protein! It just makes me feel really crappy that DH is supposed to be my true best friend and he just wasn't there. I shouldn't be trying so hard to make a baby for us - and doing it alone. It is very unfair. He made the decision to do IVF right along with me and nobody said it was going to be fun or easy. I'm the one putting my body through chaos - the least he could do would be to ask me if there is anything he could do to help. Ugh. Just what I need on top of everything else.

Well, wish me luck...by this time tomorrow, retrieval will be complete and I really, truly think we have a great shot at success.

Another call

Well, the nurse called again yesterday afternoon and said the doctor wanted to drop down my dosage again! I'm now down to 75 in Follistim and I started at 225. I really do feel that much of this has to do with the Easter holiday and that really rubs me the wrong way. Whatever, I just need to take a deep breath and pray that everything keeps progressing well and that the doctor knows what he is doing.

I am looking forward to my u/s tomorrow morning. I really, really hope that my follies are growing nicely and that I have even more than I did on Wednesday. I also hope they can give me an estimated retrieval day.

I can't believe how sore I am getting - my ovaries are extremely tender. I can't imagine how they are going to feel over the next few days. I am just trying to take it easy and drink as much water as I can.

Wish me luck tomorrow morning!

Everything is looking "great"

Just got back from the u/s. Everything looked great. I have four decent size follies on my right and five on my left. I hear lots of elevens, twelves and some tens for numbers. The nurse said it was great and that she expects to see even more on Friday when I have my next ultra sound. I don't really have a frame of reference right now so I don't know if this is good or average. My nurse was kind of crappy today so I didn't ask as many questions as I would have otherwise. She just kept saying everything looked great and that was about it. Oh, and I think they said my lining was at 10?

I asked if everything looked good for an estimated retrieval date of Sunday and she just looked at me weird and said it would definitely not be Sunday. When I pointed out that three other nurses gave me that as a date and it was also written in my chart/schedule thing she just said it was an estimate but it would NOT be Sunday. Ugh. I know it is because of Easter. I had asked from the very start if Easter was going to be a problem and they insisted it wasn't. Apparently, they lied. I also wonder if that is why the Dr. dropped my medication down - so that they could push it off another day? Who knows. I guess I should just be happy that everything is looking great and that I am responding. I just want everything to go well and have no hidden surprises.

The nurse said we'll have a much better idea on Friday but that retrieval could be on Monday or Tuesday now. She also bugged me about signing the forms stating whether or not we wanted to freeze our embryos. I just nodded and said we'd do it very soon. I just don't know what to do. I am 95% sure that we won't freeze but I just can't commit to that decision. I'm procrastinating and I can be really good at that when I want to.

Stim day 5

I had last week off of work and so I wasn't really by a computer enough to post. Things have been moving right along and my belly is speckled and bruised from all the injections.

Last Wednesday, DH and I went to the RE and he had a blood draw (mandatory STD test) and I had a blood draw and also an u/s to make sure everything was quiet and suppressed - it was so I got the green light to start stimming. On Friday, I added Follistim and Menopur injections to the mix and now I do Lupron and Menopur in the morning and Follistim in the evening. Three shots a day makes for a very sore belly! Actually, the only one that really bothers me is the Menopur. That one is a pain and it stings quite a bit.

Yesterday was stim day four and I went in for a blood draw to check my E2 levels. The nurse said that if everything looked good, they wouldn't call but if the Dr. saw numbers that required my medicine to change then they would call by 3pm. I was worried that I wasn't responding much at that they would call. By 2:30 I thought I was home free and then at 2:40 the dreaded call came (actually it was a voice mail). The nurse left me a message saying that my estrodial level was 273 and that it looked "great" but the Dr. wanted to drop down my Follistim dosage from 225 to 125 for the next two nights. Hmmm...I really wanted to call her back and ask her exactly what that meant but she said no need to call back and I didn't want to act like a spaz. I am guessing that means I am responding well but I guess we'll see tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be stim day six and I have an u/s and more blood work. I am really looking forward to the u/s so I can see what is going on in there! I have been starting to get very tender and bloated. I can feel when I ovulate normally so it is no surprise that I am feeling quite a bit now. I just hope that means that I am producing lots of nice, beautiful follicles!!

So, I an appointment tomorrow and another scheduled for Friday. Retrieval could be as early as Sunday! I am so excited and nervous!! I just really, really want this to work!!

Please think positive thoughts, keeps fingers crossed or say a little prayer for us.

Lupron side effects

I am quickly learning that Lupron is not my friend.

The shots themselves are easy and mostly painless. I take the shot around 6:30-7:00am and all is well but by the evenings I have started to get really bad stomach pains - like my whole belly hurts and it just does not feel good at all. Also, as far as food goes, nothing looks or tastes good and everything just ends up grossing me out. I've also noticed that I'm getting really short tempered. I'm just sort of on edge the last two days or so and I've heard this is a pretty common side effect. It also have to do with the fact that I just sort of feel crappy but either way, I would like to snap out of it. All of it is very manageable but I just thought I would make note.

Not too much else is happening, just chugging along and hoping that the next two weeks go by quickly and end successfully!!

Shooting up

The drugs arrived on Friday with plenty of time to spare. Even though I sort of knew what to expect and had seen other people's pictures of all the medications, it was a bit overwhelming to open that box and see the contents. Wow! That is a lot of needles.

I started with the Lupron on Sunday and so far, so good. The sub-q injections really don't bother me a bit. Although today I must have hit a vein or something because the needle kind of stuck and then when I pulled it out it started bleeding quite a bit. Now I have a nice bruise. Oh well, I'm sure it won't be the last! Right now I'm only doing the one shot a day so we'll see how I'm feeling when I'm doing three injections a day.

I also took my last pill today - hurray!! I'm so happy to be done with that crappy, disgusting pill. I swear here and now that I will never, ever take another bc pill as long as I live! Now I just do my Lupron injection each morning until the 26th when hopefully I will start stimming. I have an u/s next Tuesday the 23rd and I guess they'll be able to see then if the Lupron is working and that everything looks quiet and calm.

I'm starting to get excited and am ready to get this show on the road. I am trying to think lots of positive thoughts and really hope that all goes smoothly.

Yikes

My drugs were supposed to arrive by noon today but instead they are stuck in Memphis due to weather problems. Great. Good thing I don't need them until Sunday or I would truly be freaking out. I just hope that they arrive tomorrow - I do not want to cut it too close. The man at the pharmacy swears up and down that they will for sure be here tomorrow. I swear, I've spend more time on the phone with the pharmacy. In the last 24 hrs, I think I've talked to them more than my husband!

There is nothing easy about IF.

I'm officially penniless!

After $10,372 paid to the clinic and $786 paid to the pharmacy, I think we are good to go. As much as the money makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit, I do feel some sense of relief that the payment portion is over and done with and there is nowhere to go but forward. It sucks - big time - that infertility is not a "valid" medical condition and that while DH and I both have good health insurance, not a dime goes towards any of this. Frustrating! I'm going to try and put it out of my head and concentrate on the important part - which is getting pregnant.

I should receive my stash of drugs in the mail by noon tomorrow and then I will begin the Lupron injections on Sunday. Let the good times roll! I am just praying and praying that everything goes off without a hitch and we are successful.

I did not decide yet about the embryos and freezing. Although I did have to provide a credit card number today, we do not have to decide which route we are going to take until the day of transfer. At that time if we have left over embryos and decide to freeze, they will charge us the $825.

I am just so up in the air on this one. I asked the nurse if down the road we could do a 100% natural FET and she said, "Of course you can but the success rates are not that great." Well, whatever. By going this route, I would not be holding my breath that something like that would end in success anyway. It would be more of a moral way to dispose of the "leftovers". Or is that a weird way to think? I'm so confused. Part of me just wants to say screw it and forget it but jeez, we've been trying for over three years to get pregnant this time around - over five years total - and to just "throw away" embryos seems wrong on so many levels. At the same time, after this IVF cycle, I need to be done. I cannot put myself through this rollercoaster any longer.

Enough of that rant - we have some time to decide. And who even knows if there will be any embryos to freeze anyway. Right now I should just be hoping that we have enough embryos for this cycle! Please, please think positive thoughts for us!!

CD 16 - still chugging ahead!

Sorry for the lack up updating! Work has been crazy busy and I ended up going on a very last minute business trip for four days last week/weekend and am now just finally getting back into the swing of things.

The combination of the birth control and antibiotic turned out to be terrible. I felt nauseated every day and generally felt miserable but the first day off of the antibiotic I felt a million times better. Now, as long as I have food in my belly, I am doing fine. Only one week left on the pill - hurray!

I had blood work last week ($498 worth! Yes, another unexpected cost!) and also the shot teaching class which was nice because I was the only "student" that showed up. Therefore, I received one on one attention and the nurse event took my packet and made a bunch of hand written notes for further details on mixing etc. I feel pretty good about all the sub-q shots that will be in my belly but I am a little nervous about the PIO shots that will go in my butt. They look and sound painful. I'm also a little worried that DH will be able to do them and may have to call in reforcements (my mom or best friend). But that just seems very inconvenient so we'll have to see as the time draws nearer.

I have my nurse consult appointment tomorrow and it should be interesting. I think I feel pretty good about this cycle and all that it entails but I do have a few questions about embryos (if we were to end up with any), freezing and natural FET. It is definitely putting the horse before the cart but they don't give me much choice because I am supposed to pre-pay tomorrow if I want to freeze embryos. I have definitely come to the conclusion that after this (and if it isn't successful, god forbid) I am done with shots, ultrasounds, etc. The only way I would do an FET is if it could be a completely natural one.

I'll be dropping over $10,000 tomorrow. Ugh. I just pray every single day (usually many times each day) that this will all be worth it and it will be successful. I feel it in my bones that there is a baby just waiting to be made!

I promise to do a much better job of updating and will stop by here after my appointment tomorrow to let you know how it went. My pockets will definitely be a lot lighter!

Quick recap of the last four days (plus cost breakdown)

I'm going to do my best to keep a day by day account of what I am going through this cycle. I'm keeping a seperate journal for this but I will copy and paste it here as well so that you can all follow along with where I am at - mentally and physically.

Also, LaLa asked about costs for an IVF w/ICSI and I'll answer the best I can. Just a reminder, we have no infertility coverage which means absolutely nothing to do with the IVF cycle is covered - including tests, monitoring, meds, etc. We are paying 100% out of pocket. I don't have a full grasp on what the meds are going to cost us yet but I'll know by March 10 and will update again at that point. My doctor is donating the Follistim to us so that will save us some money but I expect to still pay around $1,000 for the remaining meds. My cycle (period) started on February 22. I had to pay $20 for birth control and the antibiotic on February 23. I have a Trail Transfer scheduled for March 5 and that costs $75. We have to pay a "downpayment" of $9,442 on March 10. Since we are opting to do ICSI, we will also need to pay $930 on March 10 - for a total of $10,372. If we want to do cryopreservation (freeze embryos), we will have to pay an additional $825 on that day as well. That cost includes the freezing and first six months of storage. I'm not sure if we are doing this or not. I think that is it for now, but I will keep you posted as I go along. When it is all said and done, we'll probably be paying around $13,000.

Here is my four day re-cap:

CD1
I don’t know what it is about the infertile and our inability to let hope die. Every month, whether it is a treatment cycle or not, I hold out hope. I hope that this is going to our month and that a miracle will happen and spare us from any more pain. This month is no different. I thought that surely we would end up miraculously pregnant and we would be spared from having to go through IVF. Because really? I never thought we’d be here. Our infertility “issues” aren’t even that serious – I mean, we were able to naturally conceive a baby once. What’s stopping us from doing it again?? I guess I’ll never know the answer to that because here we go…today is CD 1 of IVF#1. Now if only I could swallow this huge lump in my throat.

CD2
Today my fertility clinic and I were able to kick off this IVF cycle together. I went in for a blood draw and also received a prescription for birth control pills and an antibiotic. These are the only two medications I’ll take in the next six weeks that will be covered by insurance. The rest will all be completely out of pocket (deep breath in, deep breath out...). I must say that my RE is gifting me all of the Follistim that I’ll need for the cycle, so at least I won’t have to pay for that which is wonderful. Every little bit helps.

CD3
I’m looking at that little red pill and partly thinking, “Here we go! And so it begins!” but mostly I am thinking, “Oh God, I wonder what time I am going to start puking??” Have I mentioned how much I HATE birth control pills? We do not get along. I only have 21 days to go until I can stop taking them. It’s going to be a very long three weeks. It’s 9:51 am and the pill has officially been swallowed. Stay tuned…

CD4
I started feeling pretty creepy late in the day yesterday and by about 7pm I felt the worst BUT it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I would be puking for sure but it didn’t happen. After I peaked out around 7pm, I started coming around and felt pretty normal by the time I went to bed at 11pm. So, that is great news! We’ll see how I do after I take pill number two but if last night is the worst it is going to get, I can take it! The next 20 days will go by a lot more smoothly now that I know that I won’t be puking every single day.
I got another packet in the mail yesterday and it outlines my meds a little more. I’m kind of confused because there are more meds listed than I thought I would need. I thought I only needed the Follistim and Lupron but the stuff I got yesterday also lists Menopur. Also, it lists Vivelle (no idea what that is) and both the progesterone shots as well as the suppositories. Ugh. I hope I don’t need both of them! I thought it is usually one or the other? I guess I’ll find out a lot more at my RN consult on March 10. It should be interesting to see how much they all cost. I guess it is sort of a moot point at this time. It is what it is. We are doing this.
I also received information about freezing embryos. I need to do a lot of thinking about this. I’m not sure we’ll be doing this. I know, for a fact, that we will not go through a FET. I just can’t imagine doing this again. And the cost? Ugh. Not going to happen. I don’t know enough about FETs though to know if you can just do some sort of natural FET? Maybe that would be an option? But then I would still have the issue of paying for the freezing and storage. Also, if this cycle doesn’t work – I really want to be done. I do not want to live cycle to cycle anymore and I do not want to go on an emotional rollercoaster again. Whatever we decide, we have until March 10 to figure it out.

CD 3 of IVF/ICSI #1 (and only)

After much back and forth, plenty of discussion and lots of pros and cons listed out, we decided to move forward with a one and only, last ditch attempt to get pregnant, IVF cycle. Today, I am officially on CD 3 and I just took my first birth control pill. Please wish us luck, pray for us and think lots of good thoughts. Also, if you have any advice along the way, please let me know.