Houston, we have ovulation

This is my first cycle off of Clomid after three cycles on it and I wasn't really sure what to expect. Luckily, everything seems to be on track still. I ovulated yesterday morning, CD16, so a bit late but not too bad. I'm sure it was my body adjusting to no fertility drugs. Also, I must note that the reason I know I ovulated yesterday morning, specifically, was because of the pain. Wow! I can honestly say that it hurt as much as it did when I took Clomid. Again, I'm sure my body just re-adjusting but still. I wasn't really expecting it. I had some minor cramping the day or two leading up to yesterday and was sort of assuming that I was ovulating but that was nothing to what I felt from about 8am-11am yesterday. Also, I just felt kind of "off" and nauseaous yesterday.

The good news is that I think our timing was pretty good although maybe not great. It's so hard with low morph or male factor in general because the closer you can time sex to ovulation, the better your chances of conception since the spermies aren't all that great (in a nutshell). So we had sex Monday morning, I ovulated Tuesday morning, and then we had sex again late Tuesday night. For most people, this would great timing. For us, I keep thinking that we first had sex (approximately) 24 hours prior to ovulation and it may be a bit long for the sperm to survive. Then, we had sex (approximately) 13 hours after ovulation. It maybe be too late for my egg. Ya know? These are the completely insane thoughts that are going around in my head. I mean, seriously? No one should ever have to analyze details like this. It is ridiculous.

At least ovulation is behind me and I can stop stressing about timing like I do every month we TTC naturally. Then, next month we will attempt our third IUI and they'll monitor the timing so I don't have to.

The possibility of very good vs. very bad

My extremely fertile best friend (delicately) announced to me that she would be getting her IUD out in September and they would begin "trying" for their third and final baby at that time. Trying is a pretty funny word considering she got pregnant both previous times, the FIRST time and without even "trying".

So, yeah. My best friend is going to be pregnant in September. My other best friend/sister is already pregnant (by "accident" I might add). So where does that leave me in just a few weeks? It scares the hell out of me to think of the possibilities.

As it looks right now, I'll be doing an IUI on or around August 24. A week later, give or take, my BF will be knocked up. Now, despite her fertile self, my BF has been wonderful through all my infertility woes. BUT our fertile and non-fertile selves have never really gone head to head - ya know what I mean? I've never feel any type of resentment towards her. I'm just scared that if our IUI fails and she ends up pregnant that I'll feel angry or weird towards her. Even though I know it isn't rational and that she is my BEST friend, the possibility of it still scares me.

Just like it does with my sister. It is easy to ignore the fact that she is pregnant right now because she is only 13 (almost 14) weeks along and isn't showing AT ALL. I can pretend that there isn't a wonderful, perfect baby growing inside her. For now. Our relationship can go on as it has, but as the days tick by, I wonder if that will change. I hope it doesn't but I can't promise that my jealousy won't take over. God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it??

I know I would never outwardly or rather, purposely treat either of them differently but as we all know, holding feelings in sometimes manifest themselves.

I'm really not trying to be negative - because maybe I will end up pregnant and I'll get to experience it with my sister and best friend. That could happen and it would be wonderful. But I am trying to prepare myself for the more realistic scenario. And it truly scares me.

Am I boring?

The whole point of this particular blog is to have an outlet in which to bitch, piss and moan about the unfairness of infertility. BUT. Sometimes, when I look at this blog I feel like it is so depressing and not a realistic portrayal of who I am.

I mean, yes, I am in the throws of infertility and it effects my life drastically. I also need a place to vent and a support group who gets what I am going through and for that, I am thankful for this outlet. But I do sometimes wish I would blog about my whole life, not just the shitty part. Ya know? In the real world I do not talk about infertility to anyone really - basically, just my husband and my best friend but even that is a bit limited because my best friend is great but also very fertile and my husband is well, my husband. If you've been reading, you know he tends to be hit or miss on the IF support. I do make comments here and there to certain family members but I truly don't discuss in detail what I am going through with anyone. Therefore, when I vent on here, I tend to go all out - and it maybe appears as though all I think about or talk about is IF when that is not the case at all.

I read so many blogs - not just infertility blogs. I read blogs about parenting, running, losing weight, gardening, writing, photography, funny blogs, sad blogs, etc. But yet, all I really write about is IF.

Is that okay? Of course. But there is so much more to me than that.

I've been slowly trying to take up photography as a hobby and desperately want to learn more. Unfortunately, I'm time challenged. But I am hoping to change that. DH is setting me up with a professional photographer that he knows so that he can teach me some tricks. I am so excited! I got a Cann*on Re*bel xti for Christmas so that is what I've been learning on. It is such a challenge and I know so little but I love it!

I am a read-a-holic and I always have a book on hand. It is my most favorite selfish thing to do. DH bought me a giant book shelf several years back and it has been long since been filled. Now, I have stack of books piled around it and truly need to invest in another one (or two). We just put in a fireplace this spring and have yet to build a surround for it so I'm thinking maybe I could incorporate a bookshelf on either side of it. Did I mention that I love to keep all my books as well? LOL. I am happy to borrow (or even give them) to friends or family but for the most part - I like to keep them. Why? Who knows, just a weird quirk. Keegan also has quite the book collection started even though he is three. DH is always saying we should pack some away but I won't let him. I let Keegan pick out two books every night before bed and I think he is going to enjoy reading as much as I do. I hope so at least.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't want IF to take over my life - in any way - because it is easy to let that happen. And I deserve more than that. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it rips my heart out over and over again. But I need focus on putting life into perspective and know that I can rise above it.

Still kicking - and still not pregnant.

I have been away from my computer so long that I almost forgot how to type. Seriously, I don't even know where to start with an update.

We just got back from Vegas and the wedding of my (beautiful but pregnant) sister. It was so much fun! There were 17 of us that went and everything turned out perfectly. We spent our days in the pool, soaking up the desert sun and staying cool. There were many poolside cocktails and appetizers involved. In the evenings, we headed out to yummy restaurants where we filled our bellies with amazing food and more cocktails.

I gambled a bit but I must emphasize the "bit" part of that sentence. I think I ended up losing about $20. Oh the horror! LOL. Yep, I not a bib gambler although I did become slightly obsessed with the penny El*vis slots, which is where I lost my $20. Have I ever mentioned that I LOVE El*vis? The cute, 50's version - not the bloated 70's version. My sisters tease me about it all the time.

The wedding was quick but beautiful. They were married in an outdoor gazebo chapel and it was actually very quaint and really pretty. The ceremony was about 15 minutes start to finish. There was a lot of picture taking afterwards and then we head to a wonderful steakhouse to eat and celebrate. We took a big white limo there and then it brought us to the restaurant afterwards. It was a really fun night and I think my sister was very happy with how it all turned out.

So, we got back late last week, tanned and tired! I am still not caught up on my sleep. It is a two hour time difference for us and when you add that to the general lack of sleep that we got in Vegas, it take a lot out of a person!

My period showed up on the day of the wedding. I was NOT happy and I think DH was even more unhappy about it then me. If that is even possible. I had terrible cramps all morning and just started to get angry all over again about the whole ordeal. I did my best to push it all aside while I relaxed (and drank) at the pool. And of course, I did my best to completely ignore it at the wedding but once I was settled into bed at the end of the night I couldn't escape my thoughts about how unfair it is that anyone should have to go through infertility. It is so disheartening and upsetting and just plain awful. As I was laying there in bed, I just kept thinking that DH and I should be (quietly) celebrating our pregnancy - not be half drunk, crampy and angry (at IF, not each other). It just SUCKS.

DH and I did have a talk in the pool the next afternoon about going ahead with another IUI. I don't think either of us are very happy about it but know that it is our best chance to get pregnant. Like I said in an earlier post, I am just so nervous about the (fairly good) possibility that it won't work. Another disappointment is just depressing. As long as we have another IUI looming in the future, there is hope but once it is gone, it is gone. Does that make sense?

One of the worst aspects of infertility is that there is never a guarantee. It would be different if we had to go through all of this knowing that someday it WOULD work. That is was more just a matter of time. But nope, no guarantee at all. DH briefly mentioned the IVF procedure and then said, "Oh yea, that is the one that costs $15,000, huh?" to which I just replied yes. But it got me thinking...I could probably ask my mom to borrow us the money...we could slowly pay her back...it may not be so bad...we'd have an even better chance of getting pregnant. But then SLAP - reality hit me in the face.. That is a lot of money and stress, physically and emotionally, with a very good chance that no baby would come of it.

Yeah, I think we'll stick with another IUI for now. I don't know when. Maybe September? DH and I will have to talk a bit more. For now, I'm unpacking, adjusting to work again and I have the largest pile of laundry that you've ever seen. Ugh. Reality is back in full force.

Talking with a fertile

So, my newly pregnant sister and I were watching Jo*hn and Ka*te + eigh*t last night together and I suppose because she now is pregnant, she was intrigued with the fact that K had gotten pregnant with six babies. She was wondering out loud how that happened or what type of treatment would cause that. I spoke up.

(Just for the record, my sister and I do not talk about this. Nor do I talk about it with any of my four sisters. I do not talk about any of it to my family - other than my mom on the rare occasion - because I know they cannot possibly get it so why even drag them into the awkwardness? And as far as my mother, well, you know how well that has gone for me in the past.

Back to me speaking up...I mentioned to my sister that I had the same infertility treatment as K did - IUI. To which her response was, "Did you have six eggs put in too?" I briefly then had to explain an IUI and answer a few other questions about it including a bit of info on how it was my DH with the "problem" and that was why we were having issues. Her next response was, "Would help if I was a surrogate for you?" Um, no. But thanks. I told her it would be a better help to me if I could borrow her husband rather than her uterus. She asked if it was expensive and I said yes. I'm still paying for it.

Her final question was, "When was your last attempt?" to which I replied, "Well, let's just say that our babies would have been one day apart." To her credit, she looked genuinely sad and then stopped asking questions.

The conversation was over. Because it is, well, awkward. Not for an infertile but for the fertile. They cannot understand.

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As far as I can tell, and I do consider myself an expert on this subject, I ovulated on CD15. I had huge ovulation symptoms and am guessing that I ovulated more than one egg again. Our timing was great. I should be hopeful. Unfortunately, I'm really not. I'm just taking it day by day and looking every night for a falling star to wish on.

I got the job. I have to let them know by Tuesday. I am completely confused and up in the air as to what to do. I'm also in negotiations with my current employer to get a higher salary. It should come to a head on Monday but in the meantime, I feel like I might throw up about every five minutes. It is a big decision and I am just not good with those. This stress cannot be good for my body. It'll feel so good to come to a resolution and move on - I just hope it is the right path. Yikes. I have had a gut feeling from the start to stay in my current job and I think gut feelings count for a lot. More money and infertility benefits count for a lot too but I don't know...decisions, decisions.

I am looking forward to a nice, long, three-day weekend. DH is working a lot but Keegan and I are going to hang out, catch some sun and play with a few "farklers" (sparklers). It should be wonderful.