Taking it day by day

I dont know who I am, who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.

That song is playing in my office right now and I started thinking about that verse in terms of IF. Who am I if I am no longer fighting infertility? Because I seriously don't know.

One minute I am fine and the next I am pissed off. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am very content not to have another baby. And then? I see a pregnant woman walk by me and instantly think, "Lucky bitch!" Back to back opposite thoughts...so yeah, how am I doing?

I'm not sure what to write here because if I try to type out what I am feeling and where I am at with IF and what the "plan" is, I just can't do it. I don't know. Or I do know but it changes from day to day or sometimes minute to minute.

I think DH is just holding his breath, quietly, and waiting for me to drop the bomb. To either tell him out loud that "Yes, we are done!" or "Let's try one more time!" I know he supports whichever path I want to take but I just can't bring myself to talk about it out loud - to him or anyone. Every now and then he'll make a small mention to me about this or that and I basically say that I don't know and don't want to discuss it yet. We had one small conversation a few weeks (maybe longer?) back about what our "plan" is and I told him straight out that I am pretty sure I'm done but I'm not ready to commit yet. Therefore, I chose to not decide at this point and time but I promised that I wouldn't wait forever in not deciding either.

God, is this rambling enough? I'll stop.

I just don't know about anything.