I am just so angry right now. This week has gotten progressively worse and I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I am just so angry! I can talk through everything in my head, telling myself to count my blessings, remind myself how hard pregnancy is (I had hyperemesis for much of it), remind myself how much work it is and how little sleep you get when you have a new baby. I can weigh out all the negatives involved with having another baby but the truth of the matter is, no matter how many negatives there are, there is one HUGE positive that outweighs them all - a baby! Life that you and the one you love have created together.
And really, I can get past many of my own selfish needs but I cannot get past Keegan and not being able to give him a sibling. It SUCKS. I hate thinking of him being an only child, it makes me sad and again, ANGRY.
I've been thinking about God a lot and really all it is doing is fueling my anger. DH and I are good people, we love each other, we are good parents, we have a nice house, good jobs...and most of all, we really want this with all our hearts. Why doesn't God bless us with another baby? Why doesn't He listen to our prayers? I have two sisters who had unexpected pregnancies - neither were married at the time (although one is now) and neither was especially happy with the news of their unexpected pregnancy. WTH?? In the time that we've been TTC, I now have an unexpected niece and nephew - but not another baby of my own? How is that fair? I do not understand.
Yes, I know the saying, "Life isn't fair". I get that, now more than ever but I don't understand it. What good is praying? What good can come of this? Right now, I can see myself moving on (because what other choice do I have??) but I can't imagine getting over infertility. It feels that it will forever be a chip on my shoulder. It will forever be a hole in my heart. And I will always feel that someone is missing from our life.
I have four younger sisters and I have to brace myself for all the babies that they will inevitably have. They are all just beginning to get married and are heading in the direction of building their own families. I will have to deal with all the emotions that the next 5-10 years bring and that scares me. How will I not be green with envy or just plain angry every time one of them announces a pregnancy?
I guess I am just having a bit of trouble with accepting that this is the hand we were dealt. This is our reality.
Why are their so many unplanned and unwanted pregnancies in the world and then couples like us?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
*hug* I understand the anger.
And I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
xxx
Big hugs.
Infertility sucks. I hate that you are going through this. I hate it for me too, and all the rest of us. I think you have every right to be angry, and to express it. Better to get it out instead of bottling it up.
Have you considered any other options? Donor sperm or embryo adoption? My sister is going to do embryo adoption. Through a completely chance conversation, I met a woman who decided to donate her embryos to my sister.
I'm keepng you in my thoughts.
*hugs*
Post a Comment