Welcome to my pity party

I started off my day upset. Upset probably isn't the right word but I really can't think of a better one right now. What word accurately desribes all the disappointments involved with infertility?

My temp still hasn't gone up - in fact, it has gone down a bit. Good times, I tell you. So, I woke up, took my temp and instantly took it again - just in case. I got the same reading. 97.1 - what the hell is going on?? I was instantly "upset". I mean, seriously? I cannot win. The last two cycles we were unable to do an IUI because of timing - I received a postive OPK on CD11 of both of those cycles and ovulated (according to my temps) on CD13 of both of those cycles. Two days earlier than I had been up until that point as it was usually around CD15.

This cycle, I receive a positive OPK on CD11, go in for an IUI on CD12 and then....nothing. What the hell? Today is CD15 so even is today turns out to be ovulation day, it is two days after my IUI so I might as well consider this a natural cycle and come to terms with the fact that our IUI was pointless and we just through a few hundred dollars in the garbage (along with our hopes).

I'm driving into work this morning, feeling pretty low when I hear a psychic on the radio talking bad vs. good karma and all about the power of positive and negative thinking. He is saying that if you keeping thinking about the negative outcome of something, it will be negative. He said to always, always think about the postive outcome and you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results. While I agree with this idea, it just doesn't seem very realistic for me right now. I mean, how do I remain positive when it is just one obstacle after another?

I'm trying so hard but I'm tired. I'm tired of all of it. And I think I'm starting to get a bit angry. It may just be a pity party day but I feel like it is so damn unfair that we have to go through this again. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with every cycle and I hate that feeling of being stuck in limbo where we can't plan anything. I hate that I have no one in real life that understands and I hate that DH is so emotionally absent from all of this and therefore, I feel like I am the one always having to figure out what to do next. I hate have to continue to go through all this with absolutely no idea if there will ever be a postive outcome.

Negative? Yes, I guess that is where I am today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.