Infertility strikes again

My cousin is getting married in Florida in about a month. My mom really, really wants my sisters (there are five of us) and I to fly down for the weekend and attend the wedding with her. Up until recently, nobody could make the trip. Slowly, that is changing. First, one sister was able to make it work, then another and now a third. Now, the pressure is on for me to go as well. Problem being, I cannot plan a month out in advance. Hell, sometimes I cannot plan a day in advance. Have I mentioned that I HATE infertility???

My mom knows about our IUI. I orginally told her that I couldn't make the trip because of money and having to save for fertility treatments. Her response was that she would pay for my airfare (she is also paying for my sisters) and if I ever needed money for treatments, she'd be happy to help. While I should be grateful to have her financial support, I really have trouble with it.

My parents divorced when I was 17 (the oldest) and because of the divorce and having five young children, they did not have any money. At all. My mom had been a stay at home mom for years and years and after the divorce worked a lot of shitty part time jobs while putting herself through school. We had to move out of my childhood home and ended up moving around a lot (one time I counted 12 times in a year). At any rate, as of 17 years of age - I had to depend solely on myself for financial support. I mean, 100% on my own. That included even little things like shampoo, toothpaste, school supplies or dinner. I never again asked for anything from my parents and I never again expected anything. I put myself through college and really never looked back. I lived my own life and got used to it.

Thirteen years later, things have changed. My mom finished school, got a decent job and recently was married to a great guy. The thing is, this guy (my stepdad) is very well-off and now my mom is able to offer help to my sisters, and to me. But for some reason, I just can't go there! I am not used to taking money from anyone. I am not used to being offered financial help. I just makes me feel so weird! And wrong! But to know that my mom offered to help pay for fertility treatments, well, it sort of makes me want to cry. Of course, I would never take her up on it - DH would definitely not be on board with that either. But still, I guess it is the thought that counts.

So, the point of this post was supposed to be that I am mad because I could have a free trip to Florida but I cannot really take advantage of it because infertilty gets in the way. I told my mom that I would have to wait at least until next week to see if my period shows up or not and then after that, it would be a matter of timing IUI#2. Then, it would go back to the money issue. Even if it is a free trip I feel guilty for some reason.

But to take a free trip to somewhere warm and sunny sounds so great. I picture myself laying on the beach, soaking up the sun and relaxing by myself. Alone. Lately, I just want to be alone. Away from DH, away from Keegan, away from work. It must be slight depression because I just want to be ALONE. I guess that is why this trip is so tempting. It sounds like heaven.

But my reality will probably involve no such trip and instead undergoing IUI#2 while saving money for IUI#3. Good times.



Today I am grateful for:

1. Having a good job and financial security.
2. A mother who doesn't understand the first thing about infertilty but is still willing to give financial support (even though I won't take it).
3. The ability to "play" on the internet while working.