Taking it day by day

I dont know who I am, who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.

That song is playing in my office right now and I started thinking about that verse in terms of IF. Who am I if I am no longer fighting infertility? Because I seriously don't know.

One minute I am fine and the next I am pissed off. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am very content not to have another baby. And then? I see a pregnant woman walk by me and instantly think, "Lucky bitch!" Back to back opposite thoughts...so yeah, how am I doing?

I'm not sure what to write here because if I try to type out what I am feeling and where I am at with IF and what the "plan" is, I just can't do it. I don't know. Or I do know but it changes from day to day or sometimes minute to minute.

I think DH is just holding his breath, quietly, and waiting for me to drop the bomb. To either tell him out loud that "Yes, we are done!" or "Let's try one more time!" I know he supports whichever path I want to take but I just can't bring myself to talk about it out loud - to him or anyone. Every now and then he'll make a small mention to me about this or that and I basically say that I don't know and don't want to discuss it yet. We had one small conversation a few weeks (maybe longer?) back about what our "plan" is and I told him straight out that I am pretty sure I'm done but I'm not ready to commit yet. Therefore, I chose to not decide at this point and time but I promised that I wouldn't wait forever in not deciding either.

God, is this rambling enough? I'll stop.

I just don't know about anything.

I'm that girl

I feel like everyone around me (online) is turning up pregnant. And while I'm happy for them all - it still hurts. I know there are a few of you out who I haven't commented on yet (and how I consider good online friend) and please, please, please don't take it personally. I'm sorry I am being so selfish but don't give up on me, I just need to breathe for a moment. If it was one of you, it would be much easier to swallow but there have been five this week. Five! What is in the water you girls are drinking?? Please send some to me.

I'm just scared. I'm going to that girl. The one who didn't find success. The sad story that you mention to friends. The one who gets forgotten.

I used to have a long list of IF blogs that I read and now that list is almost gone (in the sense of those actively TTC). Don't get me wrong - that is great. Way better than the alternative. But still, it is hard to swallow for my own selfish sake.

35 cycles this time around - THIRTY FIVE. And? Nothing. Defeat.

Starting to feel it...

I don't really know what to write about right now because I'm in such limbo. I can't really write about infertility because, well, I feel as though I've said just about everything I can say about it over the last six years. It sucks and is not fair, there is nothing left for me to say that I haven't already.

I can't write about treatments or where I currently am in my cycle because I am not doing any treatments and I don't even know what CD it is, nor do I care.

I can't write about our plans for the near future, IF wise, because I don't know. And at this point, I don't care.

Actually, I really haven't been thinking of IF much at all lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm just taking it as it comes. I am making plans for the upcoming year that have absolutely nothing to do with IF or TTC and it feels good.

I am joining a gym and planning a schedule that will allow me to take a few fitness classes. I am helping my sister with her wedding plans next May, including bridesmaid dress shopping. We picked out dresses this week and have plans to get fitted in early November and for once, I am not worried about the possibility of being pregnant during either the fitting or the wedding.

I bought two bottles of wine for this weekend (we're heading to the cabin), I didn't even think twice about it or try and figure out where I'll be in my cycle.

I have decided that we are taking at least one very adult only type of vacation to somewhere warm this winter and I am so excited. It's been five years since we've done this sort of trip. I'd also like to plan a long weekend getaway with my husband for sometime this fall. Our schedules have been so busy that we really haven't had any quality alone time in ages.

I'm thinking ahead to fall (my most favorite season!) and working on my photography. I'm waiting for the leaves to change and for Keegan to start preschool again. I'm school shopping and signing him up for swimming lessons. I'm looking forward to the busy days of summer coming to an end and having some weekends with absolutely nothing scheduled for a change.

I'm getting used to thinking of Keegan as an only child and working on being okay with it. I'm thinking of holidays and birthdays and family vacations as a family of three. I am taking deep breaths when I get frustrated and learning to count the blessings that I do have.

No where in any of these thoughts or plans does another IUI cycle cross my mind. Not in any real "I need to make a plan" form anyway.

It really feels as though we may be done. Does it feel like that to you too?

Still here, still undecided

I'm still here, still undecided. Although...I may be very close to choosing a path. I've been giving it a lot of thought and I'm really starting to think that I may be done. Maybe not totally done "trying" naturally because I'm still not sure how I would do that. When you can strongly feel yourself ovulate, it is very hard to ignore and not TTC. BUT I may not do another IUI or any other medical treatment. I can't say that for sure quite yet but it is starting to feel more and more like the right thing. I am tired.

Work has been so busy and that has been taking much of my time. I've also been working on my photography hobby and having a lot of fun with that. My adorable niece is giving me my baby fix and somehow being around her give me peace. She is six months now and just so much fun. My best friend is due in about three weeks and I am looking forward to that as well. I am excited to meet her baby but I am also excited that she will no longer be pregnant and I will never again have to go through her being pregnant (can you say selfish!?) because this is her last baby.

I'm looking forward to the fall and the change of seasons. For some reason it feels like it will be a new beginning or a fresh start. Of what? I do not know, that is just how it feels to me. I feel as though I am waiting but I'm not exactly sure for what.

This fall will also bring the last year of preschool for my little boy. I cannot believe we are a year away from him starting kindergarten! He is getting so big and I cannot believe it. It all goes so fast. He has lost most of his baby fat (chubbiness) and is now tall and long and lean. It is very bittersweet.

So, not much to report. I don't know what CD day it is. I am not in the middle of a treatment. I do not have any symptoms or counts to report. I still don't know what path I am going to take.

For now, I just am.

Long time, no post.

Sorry, I've been MIA. I'm having a tough time. Another month has gone by, another failed natural cycle and I find myself on a path looking forward at three directions.

I can quit. I can be done with this nonsense, once and for all. I can wash my hands of the heartache, sadness, anger and unfairness of it all. I can stop living my life in two week increments. I can accept the hand we were dealt and move forward knowing that this is our fate. We are and will be a family of three and that is that. I can plan vacations and weekends and make future plans that have nothing to do with what time of month it is or that take into account that there is always the chance that I could be pregnant. I won't have to spend another dime on just the slight chance of getting pregnant. No more talk of sperm washing or follicles. No more fertility drugs that screw with my hormones.

I won't have to worry about puking my guts out for five months straight or sleepless newborn nights or losing baby weight. I won't have to go through potty training or terrible twos again. I'll be done with daycare costs forever in one year.

In some ways, this path sounds wonderful. I could be free.

OR

I can continue with IUIs. I think of quitting and while it sounds great in so many ways, one thought keeps popping into my mind. Someone is missing. I just feel it in my bones and maybe it is wishful thinking? Maybe some remnants of hope leftover from each cycle? Or maybe it is just the shadow of infertility that is bound to follow me around for the unforeseen future. I'm not sure but I feel it. There is someone missing from our family. And it is that feeling that makes me want to try one more time. And then one more time again. It is the one thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel.

When it comes to getting pregnant, there are huge three reasons that I want it more than anything. One, I want to give Keegan a sibling. I want it so much that it brings tears to my eyes. Two, I want to feel life move inside of me again. Three, I want to give birth again. It is the most powerful and meaningful experience one could ever have. Of course, there are a million other reasons but those are at the top. To never have any of those come to fruition just makes me so sad.

But - I am sick sick of going through the IUI regiment. It's ridiculous, really. I truly think that if it was going to work, it would have by now. I have had five perfect IUI cycles, good follicle counts, good lining, good timing and no success. So, I can keep trying but why? And for how long? I could add injectables but why? Maybe I could have a successful cycle but at what price? I do not want multiples. I do not want four or six babies. I am scared to take that chance. It is unfair that I should have to. Are my choices really to either not have a baby or to have a litter of them? That sucks. The injectable route does not feel right, it just feels scary.

OR

I can do IVF. I know in my heart of hearts that this is our best chance for success. Then again, that is what I thought with IUI and look where that got us. It seems with each new step, you feel that you'll find success. That is not true. Just because we decide to do IVF does not mean that we'll end up pregnant. If we do IVF and miraculously end up pregnant, it does not mean we'll take home a baby. Just because you do IVF does not guarantee a happily ever after ending. It's spending $25,000 for a chance. A chance. I think of all the time, money, emotions, expectations and hopes that go into that chance and I cringe. Do I want to do that to myself and my marriage? Because after three unsuccessful tries and another year down the IF road, then what? What happens next and how do you pick up the pieces and move forward?

I could push my DH into this option that he is against. I could fight for it and give ultimatums. If it is succesful, I could look at him and say, "I told you so!!" but if it doesn't work, am I prepared to stand by my argument that this was the right path for us to take? No, I do not think I am. I do not have confidence in that decision.

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So, this is where I have been. Wandering through the forest, trying to figure out which path to take.

Bracing myself for the inevitable

Last night I was sitting at Keegan's swimming lessons and I was SO crabby. Everyone I looked at was bugging me and I was stewing about some work things and dreading the next two weeks because they are just so busy. And then it hit me. PMS. I am totally PMSing.

Shit.

I know I still have five days left but I know my body well enough to know how it works. I am right on par with any other negative cycle. Swell.

It's not like I had much hope in me anyway. But even a little hope is hard to let go of and hard to get over.

The thing that I am currently struggling with the most is this...when and how do you stop? I've been talking about this for awhile, gearing up for the fall when I am pretty sure we are going to quit. But how? I was thinking that if this was my last cycle (which it isn't quite yet) then how do I just shift gears and ignore my cycles? How do I just not think about fertile days or timing sex? How do I truly let go? I think that is going to be SO hard to do. I won't go back on birth control for a couple of reasons but mostly because it all makes me so sick. I also can't imagine doing something as permanent as DH having a vasectomy. But eventually, we'll have to talk about that. As much as I want another baby, I do not want one at 50, you know? Not that I am close to 50 but I'm just saying.

I'm rambling, I know. But I truly wonder, after actively trying for almost 50 cycles, how do you just stop?

Infertilty does NOT do a body good.

I am so crampy. I'm not sure what is going on. I felt ovulation pains on Saturday and Sunday and that makes sense but yesterday and today I've felt super crampy as well. Very strange. I wonder if my ovaries are just complaining. I did ovulate one follicle on each side. Oh well, it is always something and I get so sick of over analyzing every little detail.

I need to get into some sort of work out routine. I am not feeling happy with my body at all lately and really need to bite the bullet and do something about it. Problem is, I am always worried about how it'll effect my cycle. I was told not to get my heart rate up for an extended time after an IUI because that can hurt implantation. Who knows if that is actually true or not but I always think, why take the risk?

I decided that if I get my period then that is it. No more excuses - I will start running again. Regardless if we decide to do another IUI or not. Hell, I was running 3-5 times a week when I conceived Keegan.

It's not like I am overweight. I am 12-15 pounds heavier than when I conceived Keegan - five years ago. I should probably lose about 10 pounds to make myself feel better about my body and then basically just tone. I feel like I have no definition anymore and I hate it. I used to love my stomach and never thought twice about showing it off in a swimsuit. Now? I hate it and cover it as much as I can. And my butt? Well, it is just not good. Everything fits much tighter than it used to in that area. Ugh. Depression, treatments, fertility drugs and lack of exercise is just not a good combo.

Exercise, and especially running for me, is such awesome stress relief and I really think I could use that right now. I don't feel like, "Oh my God, I am so stressed out!!" but I can feel that my plate is so full right now. I feel like there is just not enough time in my day anymore and this makes exercising even more difficult because when? When do I take the time for it? Maybe if I didn't work 55 hours a week or didn't care if I put my son to sleep every night. But I do.

So, there is my vent for the day. Not sure where that came from?