Quick recap of the last four days (plus cost breakdown)

I'm going to do my best to keep a day by day account of what I am going through this cycle. I'm keeping a seperate journal for this but I will copy and paste it here as well so that you can all follow along with where I am at - mentally and physically.

Also, LaLa asked about costs for an IVF w/ICSI and I'll answer the best I can. Just a reminder, we have no infertility coverage which means absolutely nothing to do with the IVF cycle is covered - including tests, monitoring, meds, etc. We are paying 100% out of pocket. I don't have a full grasp on what the meds are going to cost us yet but I'll know by March 10 and will update again at that point. My doctor is donating the Follistim to us so that will save us some money but I expect to still pay around $1,000 for the remaining meds. My cycle (period) started on February 22. I had to pay $20 for birth control and the antibiotic on February 23. I have a Trail Transfer scheduled for March 5 and that costs $75. We have to pay a "downpayment" of $9,442 on March 10. Since we are opting to do ICSI, we will also need to pay $930 on March 10 - for a total of $10,372. If we want to do cryopreservation (freeze embryos), we will have to pay an additional $825 on that day as well. That cost includes the freezing and first six months of storage. I'm not sure if we are doing this or not. I think that is it for now, but I will keep you posted as I go along. When it is all said and done, we'll probably be paying around $13,000.

Here is my four day re-cap:

CD1
I don’t know what it is about the infertile and our inability to let hope die. Every month, whether it is a treatment cycle or not, I hold out hope. I hope that this is going to our month and that a miracle will happen and spare us from any more pain. This month is no different. I thought that surely we would end up miraculously pregnant and we would be spared from having to go through IVF. Because really? I never thought we’d be here. Our infertility “issues” aren’t even that serious – I mean, we were able to naturally conceive a baby once. What’s stopping us from doing it again?? I guess I’ll never know the answer to that because here we go…today is CD 1 of IVF#1. Now if only I could swallow this huge lump in my throat.

CD2
Today my fertility clinic and I were able to kick off this IVF cycle together. I went in for a blood draw and also received a prescription for birth control pills and an antibiotic. These are the only two medications I’ll take in the next six weeks that will be covered by insurance. The rest will all be completely out of pocket (deep breath in, deep breath out...). I must say that my RE is gifting me all of the Follistim that I’ll need for the cycle, so at least I won’t have to pay for that which is wonderful. Every little bit helps.

CD3
I’m looking at that little red pill and partly thinking, “Here we go! And so it begins!” but mostly I am thinking, “Oh God, I wonder what time I am going to start puking??” Have I mentioned how much I HATE birth control pills? We do not get along. I only have 21 days to go until I can stop taking them. It’s going to be a very long three weeks. It’s 9:51 am and the pill has officially been swallowed. Stay tuned…

CD4
I started feeling pretty creepy late in the day yesterday and by about 7pm I felt the worst BUT it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I would be puking for sure but it didn’t happen. After I peaked out around 7pm, I started coming around and felt pretty normal by the time I went to bed at 11pm. So, that is great news! We’ll see how I do after I take pill number two but if last night is the worst it is going to get, I can take it! The next 20 days will go by a lot more smoothly now that I know that I won’t be puking every single day.
I got another packet in the mail yesterday and it outlines my meds a little more. I’m kind of confused because there are more meds listed than I thought I would need. I thought I only needed the Follistim and Lupron but the stuff I got yesterday also lists Menopur. Also, it lists Vivelle (no idea what that is) and both the progesterone shots as well as the suppositories. Ugh. I hope I don’t need both of them! I thought it is usually one or the other? I guess I’ll find out a lot more at my RN consult on March 10. It should be interesting to see how much they all cost. I guess it is sort of a moot point at this time. It is what it is. We are doing this.
I also received information about freezing embryos. I need to do a lot of thinking about this. I’m not sure we’ll be doing this. I know, for a fact, that we will not go through a FET. I just can’t imagine doing this again. And the cost? Ugh. Not going to happen. I don’t know enough about FETs though to know if you can just do some sort of natural FET? Maybe that would be an option? But then I would still have the issue of paying for the freezing and storage. Also, if this cycle doesn’t work – I really want to be done. I do not want to live cycle to cycle anymore and I do not want to go on an emotional rollercoaster again. Whatever we decide, we have until March 10 to figure it out.

CD 3 of IVF/ICSI #1 (and only)

After much back and forth, plenty of discussion and lots of pros and cons listed out, we decided to move forward with a one and only, last ditch attempt to get pregnant, IVF cycle. Today, I am officially on CD 3 and I just took my first birth control pill. Please wish us luck, pray for us and think lots of good thoughts. Also, if you have any advice along the way, please let me know.

A new year on the horizon

I don't know what 2010 will bring for our family. Especially in terms of conceiving. I do know that as I reflect on 2009, I am grateful that I got to share it with my son and husband. I am grateful for the wonderful little family that I do have. I am so blessed to have both of them in my life and despite what it may sound like (from time to time) in this blog, I do feel blessed. I have the most wonderful and amazing son anyone could ask for and if there is one resolution for myself this year that will stand out from the rest it will be this: I will work harder to not take once second with him for granted. He is truly a miracle and I am just so lucky to be him mommy.

Speaking of my son...we went to the dentist this week for his six month check up and guess what the x-rays revealed? His six year molars are just below the surface of his gums. Also? His bottom front teeth are just starting to wiggle. I was/am freaked! First of all, he is only four (and a half) and second, he is my baby! What is this talk of loosing teeth and molars? I cannot believe how quickly the time goes!! By this time next year he will be in Kindergarten and will no longer have all his baby teeth. Sniff. Sniff.

He is so much fun right now and maturing so quickly. We have such great conversations together and he cracks me up with his sense of humor. I've been saying it since he was just a baby but his sense of humor is one of his best qualities. He jokes and laughs all the time. Therefore, making me laugh all the time. He is so darn easy to love.

We had a nice Christmas together. It was busy (as it usually is) and I was not graced with a Christmas miracle since my period showed up on Christmas Day morning. But I did get to spend a lot of time with our families and DH, Keegan and I had a very quiet and relaxed Christmas morning, spent alone with just the three of us. It was my favorite Christmas memory of the year.

Like I said, I do not know what 2010 will bring. But I hope, it'll bring another year of health and happiness to our little family of three.

So this is Christmas...

Another year over, a new one just begun. (Or whatever the lyrics are.)

I just wanted to do a quick update since I'll be away from the computer for about a week. I really appreciate all the advice and support - it truly helps. DH and I have had little bits of "the talk" here and there. I'm sure we'll have the big sit down very soon, probably after the craziness of Christmas.

I can debate over and over in my head but the bottom line is this: I want to give Keegan a sibling. Above everything else, I want that. And if IVF is our last ditch effort to give him the chance of having a brother or sister well, I guess that is what I want to do. I want to give it a shot. It'll be a tough pill to swallow if it isn't successful and that really scares me but that is just part of the deal. It is what it is. I will cross that bridge when/if we get there. Now, I just have to see where DH is at.

I'm off to spend several days off with my wonderful son and husband and I am really looking forward to it. I need to work on getting my Christmas spirit back and Keegan is just the one who could do it for me.

I think I'm depressed

I have been doing a lot of soul searching about our situation and in the process and I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed. It sounds really stupid to say it that way. I think I've handled the last three years pretty well, all things considered. I have this blog where I vent about all things IF related but in real life? You would never know - unless you were my husband or best friend. I do not talk about it. With those two (husband and best friend) I have hit lows and highs. They've seen me cry, become angry, laugh, joke, and sulk but I've never truly felt depressed. Until now.

Now I find myself somewhere between despair and numbness. I feel so sad that I am sure I should start sobbing at any minute but I don't. It's like I feel so much that I can't feel anything and I'm sure that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel. I'm just not doing very well right now.

Like I said, I've been soul searching and really trying to dig deep to figure out which path we should take. I think that if we opt not to do IVF that someday, maybe one year from now or maybe 10 years from now, I will greatly regret not trying. I also know that if we end up pregnant from this IVF cycle, there will be no regrets about giving it one last shot. So, my decision should be clear, yes?

It's not. I still can't bring myself to talk to DH about it or say it aloud. I haven't call to speak to the financial coordinator or completed the medical records release form. I haven't done a damn thing and I'm not sure why? Maybe because I am so angry that we have to make this decision or go through this process at all. Why do we have to decide to go through medically invasive procedures and pay thousands of dollars to have a baby. Why? Why us? It is not fair. And I'm still so scared of failure - of what it would do to my spirit and my marriage. It would be one very large hurdle to get over and while I know that we would, it doesn't make the process any less daunting.

$13,300 = 58% chance of success

Would you take those odds? Would you plop down $13k on a blackjack table knowing there is only a 58% chance of winning?

Going to our appointment was rough. I have been so numb to all of this for months now and so I was surprised that the second I sat down in the chair and our RE opened his mouth, I had instant tears in my eyes. What he said to us was no real surprise, there was nothing new for me to learn but for some reason I had a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. In fact, every time I give it any real time or though, I start crying. All of it is just so completely unfair. I know I need to get past that and accept our situation for what it is but it is just so hard. And going to that appointment was like having someone jabbing a big stick at an old wound. It hurt.

DH doesn't have an answer. He says he is a strong 50/50. Great, because that is exactly where I am at - a strong 50/50.

I honestly don't know what to do. I just wish someone would tell me and make the decision for me. I said that to my mom and her response was, "do it". That seems easy enough but it isn't that easy. It just isn't.

Because what if it doesn't work? Or...what if it works and we have twins? I can honestly say I don't want twins. Then I think, beggars can't be choosers and then I get mad because why am I considered a beggar? It's not our fault that DH was born with low morphology. Why the hell is that not considered a medical condition??? It is and it's bullshit. And yes, we can transfer just one embryo but our odds are better transferring two so that would be the smarter decision if we are only doing this one time. But I really, really don't want multiples. And I really, really don't want to pay $13k and go through all the emotions just to have it all fail. I can't image what it feels like to make a payment each month and have a constant reminder of failure and the loss of hope. I know a lot of people out there who do it but I'm just not sure I am strong enough to let go fo that huge range of emotions each time you sit down to make that payment, month after month.

You see? My mind goes around and around for hours like this if I let it. It is making me sick.

I'm trying to turn it over, let the right answer just come to me but so far, no luck.

I don't know.

IVF consult tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the big day. We'll meet with our RE and ultimately decide what path we are going to take. I'm truly and completely sitting right on the fence. I have tried to look at this appointment more as closure rather than taking the next step in terms of having a baby.
Because really? I don't know if I want to do IVF or not. I've give this so much thought over the last few week and I go back and forth SO much.

If I could go through it and have a baby - the answer would be yes. Of that I am pretty certain. I am just so scared of going through the process only have it end with failure. I'm scared of what that will do to DH and I. To "us". I'm scared of making a payment every month for failure and being reminded constantly of it. I'm scared of surrendering all hope once and for all. And I truly, truly am not being intentionally negative, I am just being realistic. I am not naive about this process and I haven't been for a long time.

I'm also a bit scared for success. As much as I would love another child, I am also being realistic about what that means for our family and for me physically. For one thing, I had hyperemesis with Keegan and to go through that again scares the hell out of me. It was hard enough last time but this time I would have a five year old thrown into the mix and I couldn't just curl up in a ball and not function every day like I did last time. I know the end result is worth it, obviously, but it doesn't make the situation any easier at the time.

Also, financially, it will make a big difference. We'd have the expense of IVF and the expense of another child. Doubling daycare, buying diapers again, etc.

And can I just say how unfair it is that infertility is NOT covered on our insurance?? WTF? How is this not considered a medical condition? If we needed Via*gra, it would be covered. If I was a smoker and wanted to quit, it would be covered. Total bullshit as far as I'm concerned.

There are just so many details floating around in my head right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what I want to have happen tomorrow.