I don't know what 2010 will bring for our family. Especially in terms of conceiving. I do know that as I reflect on 2009, I am grateful that I got to share it with my son and husband. I am grateful for the wonderful little family that I do have. I am so blessed to have both of them in my life and despite what it may sound like (from time to time) in this blog, I do feel blessed. I have the most wonderful and amazing son anyone could ask for and if there is one resolution for myself this year that will stand out from the rest it will be this: I will work harder to not take once second with him for granted. He is truly a miracle and I am just so lucky to be him mommy.
Speaking of my son...we went to the dentist this week for his six month check up and guess what the x-rays revealed? His six year molars are just below the surface of his gums. Also? His bottom front teeth are just starting to wiggle. I was/am freaked! First of all, he is only four (and a half) and second, he is my baby! What is this talk of loosing teeth and molars? I cannot believe how quickly the time goes!! By this time next year he will be in Kindergarten and will no longer have all his baby teeth. Sniff. Sniff.
He is so much fun right now and maturing so quickly. We have such great conversations together and he cracks me up with his sense of humor. I've been saying it since he was just a baby but his sense of humor is one of his best qualities. He jokes and laughs all the time. Therefore, making me laugh all the time. He is so darn easy to love.
We had a nice Christmas together. It was busy (as it usually is) and I was not graced with a Christmas miracle since my period showed up on Christmas Day morning. But I did get to spend a lot of time with our families and DH, Keegan and I had a very quiet and relaxed Christmas morning, spent alone with just the three of us. It was my favorite Christmas memory of the year.
Like I said, I do not know what 2010 will bring. But I hope, it'll bring another year of health and happiness to our little family of three.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
So this is Christmas...
Another year over, a new one just begun. (Or whatever the lyrics are.)
I just wanted to do a quick update since I'll be away from the computer for about a week. I really appreciate all the advice and support - it truly helps. DH and I have had little bits of "the talk" here and there. I'm sure we'll have the big sit down very soon, probably after the craziness of Christmas.
I can debate over and over in my head but the bottom line is this: I want to give Keegan a sibling. Above everything else, I want that. And if IVF is our last ditch effort to give him the chance of having a brother or sister well, I guess that is what I want to do. I want to give it a shot. It'll be a tough pill to swallow if it isn't successful and that really scares me but that is just part of the deal. It is what it is. I will cross that bridge when/if we get there. Now, I just have to see where DH is at.
I'm off to spend several days off with my wonderful son and husband and I am really looking forward to it. I need to work on getting my Christmas spirit back and Keegan is just the one who could do it for me.
I just wanted to do a quick update since I'll be away from the computer for about a week. I really appreciate all the advice and support - it truly helps. DH and I have had little bits of "the talk" here and there. I'm sure we'll have the big sit down very soon, probably after the craziness of Christmas.
I can debate over and over in my head but the bottom line is this: I want to give Keegan a sibling. Above everything else, I want that. And if IVF is our last ditch effort to give him the chance of having a brother or sister well, I guess that is what I want to do. I want to give it a shot. It'll be a tough pill to swallow if it isn't successful and that really scares me but that is just part of the deal. It is what it is. I will cross that bridge when/if we get there. Now, I just have to see where DH is at.
I'm off to spend several days off with my wonderful son and husband and I am really looking forward to it. I need to work on getting my Christmas spirit back and Keegan is just the one who could do it for me.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I think I'm depressed
I have been doing a lot of soul searching about our situation and in the process and I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed. It sounds really stupid to say it that way. I think I've handled the last three years pretty well, all things considered. I have this blog where I vent about all things IF related but in real life? You would never know - unless you were my husband or best friend. I do not talk about it. With those two (husband and best friend) I have hit lows and highs. They've seen me cry, become angry, laugh, joke, and sulk but I've never truly felt depressed. Until now.
Now I find myself somewhere between despair and numbness. I feel so sad that I am sure I should start sobbing at any minute but I don't. It's like I feel so much that I can't feel anything and I'm sure that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel. I'm just not doing very well right now.
Like I said, I've been soul searching and really trying to dig deep to figure out which path we should take. I think that if we opt not to do IVF that someday, maybe one year from now or maybe 10 years from now, I will greatly regret not trying. I also know that if we end up pregnant from this IVF cycle, there will be no regrets about giving it one last shot. So, my decision should be clear, yes?
It's not. I still can't bring myself to talk to DH about it or say it aloud. I haven't call to speak to the financial coordinator or completed the medical records release form. I haven't done a damn thing and I'm not sure why? Maybe because I am so angry that we have to make this decision or go through this process at all. Why do we have to decide to go through medically invasive procedures and pay thousands of dollars to have a baby. Why? Why us? It is not fair. And I'm still so scared of failure - of what it would do to my spirit and my marriage. It would be one very large hurdle to get over and while I know that we would, it doesn't make the process any less daunting.
Now I find myself somewhere between despair and numbness. I feel so sad that I am sure I should start sobbing at any minute but I don't. It's like I feel so much that I can't feel anything and I'm sure that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel. I'm just not doing very well right now.
Like I said, I've been soul searching and really trying to dig deep to figure out which path we should take. I think that if we opt not to do IVF that someday, maybe one year from now or maybe 10 years from now, I will greatly regret not trying. I also know that if we end up pregnant from this IVF cycle, there will be no regrets about giving it one last shot. So, my decision should be clear, yes?
It's not. I still can't bring myself to talk to DH about it or say it aloud. I haven't call to speak to the financial coordinator or completed the medical records release form. I haven't done a damn thing and I'm not sure why? Maybe because I am so angry that we have to make this decision or go through this process at all. Why do we have to decide to go through medically invasive procedures and pay thousands of dollars to have a baby. Why? Why us? It is not fair. And I'm still so scared of failure - of what it would do to my spirit and my marriage. It would be one very large hurdle to get over and while I know that we would, it doesn't make the process any less daunting.
Monday, November 30, 2009
$13,300 = 58% chance of success
Would you take those odds? Would you plop down $13k on a blackjack table knowing there is only a 58% chance of winning?
Going to our appointment was rough. I have been so numb to all of this for months now and so I was surprised that the second I sat down in the chair and our RE opened his mouth, I had instant tears in my eyes. What he said to us was no real surprise, there was nothing new for me to learn but for some reason I had a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. In fact, every time I give it any real time or though, I start crying. All of it is just so completely unfair. I know I need to get past that and accept our situation for what it is but it is just so hard. And going to that appointment was like having someone jabbing a big stick at an old wound. It hurt.
DH doesn't have an answer. He says he is a strong 50/50. Great, because that is exactly where I am at - a strong 50/50.
I honestly don't know what to do. I just wish someone would tell me and make the decision for me. I said that to my mom and her response was, "do it". That seems easy enough but it isn't that easy. It just isn't.
Because what if it doesn't work? Or...what if it works and we have twins? I can honestly say I don't want twins. Then I think, beggars can't be choosers and then I get mad because why am I considered a beggar? It's not our fault that DH was born with low morphology. Why the hell is that not considered a medical condition??? It is and it's bullshit. And yes, we can transfer just one embryo but our odds are better transferring two so that would be the smarter decision if we are only doing this one time. But I really, really don't want multiples. And I really, really don't want to pay $13k and go through all the emotions just to have it all fail. I can't image what it feels like to make a payment each month and have a constant reminder of failure and the loss of hope. I know a lot of people out there who do it but I'm just not sure I am strong enough to let go fo that huge range of emotions each time you sit down to make that payment, month after month.
You see? My mind goes around and around for hours like this if I let it. It is making me sick.
I'm trying to turn it over, let the right answer just come to me but so far, no luck.
I don't know.
Going to our appointment was rough. I have been so numb to all of this for months now and so I was surprised that the second I sat down in the chair and our RE opened his mouth, I had instant tears in my eyes. What he said to us was no real surprise, there was nothing new for me to learn but for some reason I had a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. In fact, every time I give it any real time or though, I start crying. All of it is just so completely unfair. I know I need to get past that and accept our situation for what it is but it is just so hard. And going to that appointment was like having someone jabbing a big stick at an old wound. It hurt.
DH doesn't have an answer. He says he is a strong 50/50. Great, because that is exactly where I am at - a strong 50/50.
I honestly don't know what to do. I just wish someone would tell me and make the decision for me. I said that to my mom and her response was, "do it". That seems easy enough but it isn't that easy. It just isn't.
Because what if it doesn't work? Or...what if it works and we have twins? I can honestly say I don't want twins. Then I think, beggars can't be choosers and then I get mad because why am I considered a beggar? It's not our fault that DH was born with low morphology. Why the hell is that not considered a medical condition??? It is and it's bullshit. And yes, we can transfer just one embryo but our odds are better transferring two so that would be the smarter decision if we are only doing this one time. But I really, really don't want multiples. And I really, really don't want to pay $13k and go through all the emotions just to have it all fail. I can't image what it feels like to make a payment each month and have a constant reminder of failure and the loss of hope. I know a lot of people out there who do it but I'm just not sure I am strong enough to let go fo that huge range of emotions each time you sit down to make that payment, month after month.
You see? My mind goes around and around for hours like this if I let it. It is making me sick.
I'm trying to turn it over, let the right answer just come to me but so far, no luck.
I don't know.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
IVF consult tomorrow
Well, tomorrow is the big day. We'll meet with our RE and ultimately decide what path we are going to take. I'm truly and completely sitting right on the fence. I have tried to look at this appointment more as closure rather than taking the next step in terms of having a baby.
Because really? I don't know if I want to do IVF or not. I've give this so much thought over the last few week and I go back and forth SO much.
If I could go through it and have a baby - the answer would be yes. Of that I am pretty certain. I am just so scared of going through the process only have it end with failure. I'm scared of what that will do to DH and I. To "us". I'm scared of making a payment every month for failure and being reminded constantly of it. I'm scared of surrendering all hope once and for all. And I truly, truly am not being intentionally negative, I am just being realistic. I am not naive about this process and I haven't been for a long time.
I'm also a bit scared for success. As much as I would love another child, I am also being realistic about what that means for our family and for me physically. For one thing, I had hyperemesis with Keegan and to go through that again scares the hell out of me. It was hard enough last time but this time I would have a five year old thrown into the mix and I couldn't just curl up in a ball and not function every day like I did last time. I know the end result is worth it, obviously, but it doesn't make the situation any easier at the time.
Also, financially, it will make a big difference. We'd have the expense of IVF and the expense of another child. Doubling daycare, buying diapers again, etc.
And can I just say how unfair it is that infertility is NOT covered on our insurance?? WTF? How is this not considered a medical condition? If we needed Via*gra, it would be covered. If I was a smoker and wanted to quit, it would be covered. Total bullshit as far as I'm concerned.
There are just so many details floating around in my head right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what I want to have happen tomorrow.
Because really? I don't know if I want to do IVF or not. I've give this so much thought over the last few week and I go back and forth SO much.
If I could go through it and have a baby - the answer would be yes. Of that I am pretty certain. I am just so scared of going through the process only have it end with failure. I'm scared of what that will do to DH and I. To "us". I'm scared of making a payment every month for failure and being reminded constantly of it. I'm scared of surrendering all hope once and for all. And I truly, truly am not being intentionally negative, I am just being realistic. I am not naive about this process and I haven't been for a long time.
I'm also a bit scared for success. As much as I would love another child, I am also being realistic about what that means for our family and for me physically. For one thing, I had hyperemesis with Keegan and to go through that again scares the hell out of me. It was hard enough last time but this time I would have a five year old thrown into the mix and I couldn't just curl up in a ball and not function every day like I did last time. I know the end result is worth it, obviously, but it doesn't make the situation any easier at the time.
Also, financially, it will make a big difference. We'd have the expense of IVF and the expense of another child. Doubling daycare, buying diapers again, etc.
And can I just say how unfair it is that infertility is NOT covered on our insurance?? WTF? How is this not considered a medical condition? If we needed Via*gra, it would be covered. If I was a smoker and wanted to quit, it would be covered. Total bullshit as far as I'm concerned.
There are just so many details floating around in my head right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what I want to have happen tomorrow.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
One step at a time
First of all, thank you so much for your support and caring words. I really needed to hear from you and know that I wasn't alone or crazy for feeling so messed up about all of this. I am having a really tough time "going there" again.
But.
I took a deep breath this morning and called my RE's office. I talked to a nurse about next steps for IVF and apparently she put out an "order" on me, which basically gets the ball rolling on their end. They'll send me all the IVF procedural and financial information via mail and I'll be on their call list for IVF scheduling. When they call, I can give them a yes or a no as to whether I would like to be scheduled. I was a bit surprised when she told me that I did not even need to see the doctor to move forward with IVF. It reminded me again of why I HATE fertility clinics. Because seriously? How backwards is that? It makes me feel like all they want is my money and they don't care if I am getting the proper treatment or not. Despite what she said, I scheduled an IVF conference with my RE and it is set for November 25. I put it off for awhile so I could give it more thought overall as well as start researching financing, shared risk, etc. I figure we can talk to Dr. K on the 25th and then decide, one way or another. Like you all said, I can say no at any point.
I also emailed another fertility clinic and asked them to send me IVF information as well. I googled the four clinics in the area last night and read every scrap of information on them and it seems as though they all have their good and bad but this one stuck out for some reason so I thought, why not? A lady from the clinic responded to my email within minutes telling me that they were having a free IVF seminar tonight and I was welcome to attend. I actually would love to go but the tonight part freaked me out. Plus, I'd obviously want DH to attend and he is out of town until Sunday. Unfortunately, the next seminar is November 12 and I will out out of town so I will have to wait until December 10 to attend. Maybe it is for the better, I've already got it in my head that IF - and that is a big IF - we decide to go down this path, it'll be after the first of the year anyway.
By the way, if anyone out there is from Minnesota and has any info or personal experience about IVF here (or I guess just in general), please let me know. I just want to make sure that we are making a very informed decision.
I've been pretty crabby all day and I know it is because of all this crap. It is like picking a scab.
But.
I took a deep breath this morning and called my RE's office. I talked to a nurse about next steps for IVF and apparently she put out an "order" on me, which basically gets the ball rolling on their end. They'll send me all the IVF procedural and financial information via mail and I'll be on their call list for IVF scheduling. When they call, I can give them a yes or a no as to whether I would like to be scheduled. I was a bit surprised when she told me that I did not even need to see the doctor to move forward with IVF. It reminded me again of why I HATE fertility clinics. Because seriously? How backwards is that? It makes me feel like all they want is my money and they don't care if I am getting the proper treatment or not. Despite what she said, I scheduled an IVF conference with my RE and it is set for November 25. I put it off for awhile so I could give it more thought overall as well as start researching financing, shared risk, etc. I figure we can talk to Dr. K on the 25th and then decide, one way or another. Like you all said, I can say no at any point.
I also emailed another fertility clinic and asked them to send me IVF information as well. I googled the four clinics in the area last night and read every scrap of information on them and it seems as though they all have their good and bad but this one stuck out for some reason so I thought, why not? A lady from the clinic responded to my email within minutes telling me that they were having a free IVF seminar tonight and I was welcome to attend. I actually would love to go but the tonight part freaked me out. Plus, I'd obviously want DH to attend and he is out of town until Sunday. Unfortunately, the next seminar is November 12 and I will out out of town so I will have to wait until December 10 to attend. Maybe it is for the better, I've already got it in my head that IF - and that is a big IF - we decide to go down this path, it'll be after the first of the year anyway.
By the way, if anyone out there is from Minnesota and has any info or personal experience about IVF here (or I guess just in general), please let me know. I just want to make sure that we are making a very informed decision.
I've been pretty crabby all day and I know it is because of all this crap. It is like picking a scab.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Never say never.
DH and I went out for a date on Saturday night and somehow stumbled into an infertility discussion. He actually brought it up and at first I was tempted to push it all aside but it turned out to be a really productive and interesting conversation. I cannot believe how far my DH has come on this crazy journey. I remember the days of anger and tears when it came to these discussion between us, we always seemed worlds apart. And now? Well, we've both been through the ringer and I guess that matured us in many ways. I've never doubted that DH wanted another baby but I always thought that deep down, he really didn't want one that bad. You know?
So, when I heard IVF come out of his mouth on Saturday night I just about fell off my chair. I was surprised...but also? I was not jumping for joy over the fact that we were having the discussion. I always thought that if DH suggested IVF (because I always thought the ball was in his court as far as IVF) that I would be so excited and ready to take that route. It turns out, I have SO many mixed feeling about it. Which I probably knew deep down and it is probably why I've never pushed IVF.
We haven't decided to do IVF or anything - we've more just peaking in the window of that possibility. I'm supposed to make an appointment with our RE to discuss options, costs, protocol, etc. The thing is - we decided this on Saturday and here it is Wednesday and I have yet to make the call.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of hoping, I've truly moved so far away from actively TTC in the last couple of months and I have been working so hard to make peace with our situation. IVF wasn't remotely on my radar and now all my thoughts are bumping around and getting tangled up together in my head. Money, timing, multiples, shots, financing, ultrasounds, shared risk (anyone?), ICSI (anyone?).
Oh God. I can't believe this is our reality. I cannot believe that we cannot make a baby like "normal" couples do. It is just so unfair.
I'll eventually make that appointment because if nothing else, it may be good closure. But what if it isn't? What if I walk away wanting to give it one more BIG try? What then?
So, when I heard IVF come out of his mouth on Saturday night I just about fell off my chair. I was surprised...but also? I was not jumping for joy over the fact that we were having the discussion. I always thought that if DH suggested IVF (because I always thought the ball was in his court as far as IVF) that I would be so excited and ready to take that route. It turns out, I have SO many mixed feeling about it. Which I probably knew deep down and it is probably why I've never pushed IVF.
We haven't decided to do IVF or anything - we've more just peaking in the window of that possibility. I'm supposed to make an appointment with our RE to discuss options, costs, protocol, etc. The thing is - we decided this on Saturday and here it is Wednesday and I have yet to make the call.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of hoping, I've truly moved so far away from actively TTC in the last couple of months and I have been working so hard to make peace with our situation. IVF wasn't remotely on my radar and now all my thoughts are bumping around and getting tangled up together in my head. Money, timing, multiples, shots, financing, ultrasounds, shared risk (anyone?), ICSI (anyone?).
Oh God. I can't believe this is our reality. I cannot believe that we cannot make a baby like "normal" couples do. It is just so unfair.
I'll eventually make that appointment because if nothing else, it may be good closure. But what if it isn't? What if I walk away wanting to give it one more BIG try? What then?
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