I have been so terrible about blogging lately, I apologize. I still have a million thoughts bouncing around in my head but it seems when I am not in the middle of a treatment, I am less likely to post. I really need to get out of that bad habit because I am pretty sure my treatment days are very limited and I definitely don't plan to quit my blog once we are doing TTC.
We just got back from vacation and it was wonderful. Too short, but SO nice to get away. We were able to get out of the snow and cold (I heard it there were -20 wind chills that week) and into the sun and 85 degree warmth of Florida. We went to the same place that DH and I got married and it was pretty neat because it was the first time that we brought Keegan. He was so good and loved every minute of it - which only made me want to stay longer! I think next year we will go for a longer trip, five days was just waaaaay too short.
It was not our "normal" vacation since Keegan was along and therefore, DH and I didn't have any real alone time but we still managed a few good talks during our time in FL. At one point I told him that I would really, truly love to have a place of our own there someday and he agreed that it is something that we should eventually look into. It is just such a special place for us, it's where we started our life together. That's not the only reason we love it. We also just love the vibe of the Island, the food, the local "joints" and the gorgeous beach. We've traveled a lot of different places but this is the only place that we come back to again and again. It's our place.
The other topic that kept surfacing between us was a quitting TTC time frame. Our conclusion? Six months. Six more months of giving it our all (well, with limitations. No IVF, etc.) and then we are done. Six months from now we will be at the three year mark. Three years!! If we are not successful at that time, we will take the deepest breath possible and let go. DH brought up the six month time frame first but the more I thought about it, the more I agreed. At some point, you just have to be done. To accept your reality and get on with the life you were blessed with. It may not be the future that I had originally dreamed of but it is the hand we were dealt and when looking at the big picture? We have it pretty good.
Keegan is my saving grace. Without him, I'm sure we'd have a very different mindset. We would most definitely pursue IVF. With Keegan, it just does not make sense to take out a loan for that amount of money just for the possibility of getting pregnant. I'd rather use that money for Keegan's college education. He is our priority and I do not want to lose focus of that. I do not want to keep throwing good money after bad for a CHANCE of a pregnancy when we have a wonderful son right in front of us with needs of his own. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some, but it does to us.
Keegan also deserves a mentally healthy mom who is not preoccupied with TTC, treatment schedules, fertility drug-induced hormones, money, etc. I should be focusing on him and how lucky I am to have him in my life. I was blessed with a natural, healthy pregnancy and a perfect, healthy child. There is absolutely no reason not to be grateful for that. The only regret I honestly will have trouble letting go of is that I cannot give Keegan a sibling. He deserves that.
Whew! How's that for deep thoughts this morning.
I am doing fine. I'm just catching up at work after being off and waiting for next cycle when we try another IUI. I am only on CD 9 and so we'll try naturally this cycle (we were in FL during CD1-5 so we couldn't start an IUI cycle) but these days a natural cycle is like the biggest long-shot so I don't really even consider it trying.
I am hoping that my regular doctor pulls through and will be able to do an IUI with us next cycle. I'd rather do a cycle with her but if she is not ready yet, I think we'll go ahead with our fertility clinic. Now that the end is in site, I do not want to waste any more precious time. I think the last IUI we did was in October (wow!) so it has been a very long break and I am ready to try again.
Three years is a long time. Too long. I'm not giving up yet - I really am not - but eventually, every story must come to an end. I just don't know what the conclusion to ours will bring.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Sensory overload!
Last night, I invited my sister and new baby over as well as my pregnant best friend and her two daughters over. Whoa. I think that is a big step...purposely surrounding myself with the newborn and the baby belly. And really? I did just fine. I can't help but LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that little baby. She smells so darn good, I swear I could just eat her up. What is that baby smell anyway??
As for my best friend...I realized two things. One, I have been avoiding her. Two, the pregnancy part is harder for me that the baby part.
With my sister, all my awkward, sad, mad, jealous and confused feelings disappeared with the birth of my niece. Except, when I look at my best friend (who is already showing! At 11 wks!), they have obviously moved from my sister to her. I feel awkward and a bit short with her. When she complains about feeling sick, I get mad. When I look at her little belly bump, I get sad. When we talk about whether it will be a boy or a girl, I get jealous. Last night, I was just wishing it was September already! (Which is when she is due)
Isn't it weird that the pregnancy part bothers me more than the baby part? Especially, since pregnancy brings so many unpleasant side effects and newborns? Hmmm, we'll I guess there is a downside to that too. It look a year after Keegan was born before I slept through the night. God, that kid loved to wake up for the day at 4 or 5 in the morning for the longest time! I hated that!
Anyway, it was a nice night. I was happy to hang out with both of them - they are my two best friends after all. But it was nice when they left too. DH was working late so once they left, I gave Keegan a bath and then he and I snuggled up on the couch to watch TV. He fell asleep about 15 minutes into Grey's so then I just held him close (that never happens!) and watched the whole (2 hours!!) of the Grey's/PP combo completely uninterrupted. It was GREAT. Plus, I just kept staring down at my sleeping "baby" thanking God that he was in my life.
No matter what happens, I am SO lucky to have been blessed with Keegan.
As for my best friend...I realized two things. One, I have been avoiding her. Two, the pregnancy part is harder for me that the baby part.
With my sister, all my awkward, sad, mad, jealous and confused feelings disappeared with the birth of my niece. Except, when I look at my best friend (who is already showing! At 11 wks!), they have obviously moved from my sister to her. I feel awkward and a bit short with her. When she complains about feeling sick, I get mad. When I look at her little belly bump, I get sad. When we talk about whether it will be a boy or a girl, I get jealous. Last night, I was just wishing it was September already! (Which is when she is due)
Isn't it weird that the pregnancy part bothers me more than the baby part? Especially, since pregnancy brings so many unpleasant side effects and newborns? Hmmm, we'll I guess there is a downside to that too. It look a year after Keegan was born before I slept through the night. God, that kid loved to wake up for the day at 4 or 5 in the morning for the longest time! I hated that!
Anyway, it was a nice night. I was happy to hang out with both of them - they are my two best friends after all. But it was nice when they left too. DH was working late so once they left, I gave Keegan a bath and then he and I snuggled up on the couch to watch TV. He fell asleep about 15 minutes into Grey's so then I just held him close (that never happens!) and watched the whole (2 hours!!) of the Grey's/PP combo completely uninterrupted. It was GREAT. Plus, I just kept staring down at my sleeping "baby" thanking God that he was in my life.
No matter what happens, I am SO lucky to have been blessed with Keegan.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The shortest treatment cycle in history!
Well, so much for that idea. Like I said, I made my baseline u/s appointment for Monday (yesterday) but after checking the calendar for the third time, I realized there was a work conflict on my end. I am always worried about DH's schedule because he is a pilot and if he is on a flight, well, then he is on a flight and there isn't any flexibility around it. So, I wasn't really paying attention to my schedule because I usually can move things around. Except this time. In all of February, there is one date at work that I cannot miss. It is February 20 - better known as CD14. IUI day. Granted, I could possible trigger and ovulate/IUI on CD15 but it is too expensive of a gamble. I would hate to be $800 into a cycle and find out I had to cancel the IUI.
So, we are on hold. Again.
Oh well, I'm doing my best to take it in stride and realize (hope?) that everything happens for a reason. We are also going to try, really hard, on our own this cycle. We haven't done this for awhile. I mean, naturally. I think we are going to follow the same timing as if we were doing an IUI and abstain for 2-3 days leading up to ovulation. We'll see, it is what it is and we'll do the best we can.
In other news, my regular OB doc (I'll call her Dr. G) - who I LOVE and TRUST is about one month away from doing IUIs at our local clinic. While this may make some of you cringe, I am very excited. Here's a bit of background: her medical partner (Dr. A) is young (I think around 29 or 30) and she specialized in fertility. She also has experienced infertility, first hand. In fact, she conceived her twins through IUI. Both Dr. G and Dr. A have wanted to start up IF treatments and have worked hard to get the program approved. My Dr G, knows what I've been going through and has been helping me out as much as possible, where she is able to, ie, my "exploratory" surgery in December. To make a long story a bit shorter, Dr. G asked if I would be interested in being their first client. I said yes!
This means that I will have treatment in my hometown, no longer will have have to drive two hours round trip for a 10 minute appointment. I will be a 5-10 minute drive away at all times. I already have a direct line of communication with Dr. G via email and this will continue so I will be able to email my doctor at anytime I have a question or concern during treatment. I also will be seen ONLY by doctors, Dr. G and Dr. A to be specific. And I will only be seen by doctors who know me, my face and my history. I will not be just another case to them. It will be cheaper because they are not in it to milk me for every penny and I will have interest free financing available to me directly through their clinic if need be. And best of all, they will have a very vested interested in me because I will be their first and only patient. They will give me top of the line attention and care. Oh, and did I mention that I LOVE Dr. G?
So, we'll see how it all plays out. Dr. G emailed me yesterday and told me that they should be ready to roll by next cycle. I hope so! I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just have a good feeling about the whole thing.
That's all for today. I am going to wrap this up and head home for the night. I'm looking forward to a non-eventful night of watching AI on the couch. Or "Sing Show" as Keegan calls it.
So, we are on hold. Again.
Oh well, I'm doing my best to take it in stride and realize (hope?) that everything happens for a reason. We are also going to try, really hard, on our own this cycle. We haven't done this for awhile. I mean, naturally. I think we are going to follow the same timing as if we were doing an IUI and abstain for 2-3 days leading up to ovulation. We'll see, it is what it is and we'll do the best we can.
In other news, my regular OB doc (I'll call her Dr. G) - who I LOVE and TRUST is about one month away from doing IUIs at our local clinic. While this may make some of you cringe, I am very excited. Here's a bit of background: her medical partner (Dr. A) is young (I think around 29 or 30) and she specialized in fertility. She also has experienced infertility, first hand. In fact, she conceived her twins through IUI. Both Dr. G and Dr. A have wanted to start up IF treatments and have worked hard to get the program approved. My Dr G, knows what I've been going through and has been helping me out as much as possible, where she is able to, ie, my "exploratory" surgery in December. To make a long story a bit shorter, Dr. G asked if I would be interested in being their first client. I said yes!
This means that I will have treatment in my hometown, no longer will have have to drive two hours round trip for a 10 minute appointment. I will be a 5-10 minute drive away at all times. I already have a direct line of communication with Dr. G via email and this will continue so I will be able to email my doctor at anytime I have a question or concern during treatment. I also will be seen ONLY by doctors, Dr. G and Dr. A to be specific. And I will only be seen by doctors who know me, my face and my history. I will not be just another case to them. It will be cheaper because they are not in it to milk me for every penny and I will have interest free financing available to me directly through their clinic if need be. And best of all, they will have a very vested interested in me because I will be their first and only patient. They will give me top of the line attention and care. Oh, and did I mention that I LOVE Dr. G?
So, we'll see how it all plays out. Dr. G emailed me yesterday and told me that they should be ready to roll by next cycle. I hope so! I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just have a good feeling about the whole thing.
That's all for today. I am going to wrap this up and head home for the night. I'm looking forward to a non-eventful night of watching AI on the couch. Or "Sing Show" as Keegan calls it.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
The Secret
Yep, so I gave it my best shot and I tested out the theory of that book. And guess what??
It didn't work. LOL. Well, to be fair I am guessing that you are supposed to give it more than a one month trial. But whatever. I tried. All last cycle, I practiced thinking positive thoughts. I focused on the word PREGNANT and any time I would catch myself thinking otherwise, I'd give myself a mental kick and repeat the P word over and over. I didn't check any of my IF blogs even once (sorry guys!) and I wouldn't even let myself think or even look at the word infertility - which means I couldn't go to my own blog and update. Too much negativity!!
In that time I also experienced the birth of my perfect, beautiful niece. And let me tell you, she is PERFECT. I was blessed to be in the room during her birth and was one of the very first people see her. I even got to cut the cord! Any fear of negative feelings toward her or my sister vanished the moment that baby made her way into the world. Honestly, I cannot tell you how much love I feel for both of them or how much of a relief that was to me. A couple nights after her birth, I was on the phone with my sister and I thanked her again for letting me be a part of the birth and that very special day. I started tearing up and told my sister it meant so much to me to be there - I savored every moment, knowing that I may never again get to experience giving birth firsthand. I think I caught my sister off guard when I said that because she got emotional too and it was a really special moment for us. I know she now understands how much of a blessing pregnancy and birth really is.
So, here I am. Still not pregnant (in fact, today is CD1). But really, I'm doing okay. I called this morning and scheduled a baseline u/s for Monday afternoon and here we go with IUI #4.
Maybe the theory of that books works, maybe it takes awhile. Who knows? I know a lot can be said for the power of positive thinking so I will continue to do my best to head down that path. BUT, I will be back to blogging and catching up on all of you as well. I think I can manage a good balance.
It didn't work. LOL. Well, to be fair I am guessing that you are supposed to give it more than a one month trial. But whatever. I tried. All last cycle, I practiced thinking positive thoughts. I focused on the word PREGNANT and any time I would catch myself thinking otherwise, I'd give myself a mental kick and repeat the P word over and over. I didn't check any of my IF blogs even once (sorry guys!) and I wouldn't even let myself think or even look at the word infertility - which means I couldn't go to my own blog and update. Too much negativity!!
In that time I also experienced the birth of my perfect, beautiful niece. And let me tell you, she is PERFECT. I was blessed to be in the room during her birth and was one of the very first people see her. I even got to cut the cord! Any fear of negative feelings toward her or my sister vanished the moment that baby made her way into the world. Honestly, I cannot tell you how much love I feel for both of them or how much of a relief that was to me. A couple nights after her birth, I was on the phone with my sister and I thanked her again for letting me be a part of the birth and that very special day. I started tearing up and told my sister it meant so much to me to be there - I savored every moment, knowing that I may never again get to experience giving birth firsthand. I think I caught my sister off guard when I said that because she got emotional too and it was a really special moment for us. I know she now understands how much of a blessing pregnancy and birth really is.
So, here I am. Still not pregnant (in fact, today is CD1). But really, I'm doing okay. I called this morning and scheduled a baseline u/s for Monday afternoon and here we go with IUI #4.
Maybe the theory of that books works, maybe it takes awhile. Who knows? I know a lot can be said for the power of positive thinking so I will continue to do my best to head down that path. BUT, I will be back to blogging and catching up on all of you as well. I think I can manage a good balance.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Kicked in the stomach
That's what it feels like right now. On Saturday morning, I got my period and...my best friend got a positive pregnancy test. Probably about the same exact time. And while it was expected (I knew she was trying and I knew she was as fertile as the day is long), it is REALLY hard for me.
You know when you have a really terrible dream and even after you wake up you still have that awful feeling like there is something very wrong? That is how I have felt ever since Saturday. That something is VERY wrong and I cannot shake this terrible feeling.
She is my very best friend in the whole world and understands (as best she can) about what I am going through and how difficult this is for me. I love her and only want the best for her but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. It is so much about me, not about her and even though I know how selfish that is, I can't help but feel it just the same. To make everything worse, we could have been due within days of each other.
So, here I sit...my sister about to give birth - literally any day. (Again, I her and I would have been a DAY apart if our 2nd IUI would have worked.) When I found out that she was pregnant waaaaay back in May, I prayed to God that at the very least I would be pregnant by the time she had this oops baby. Deep down, I never thought that wouldn't happen. Guess what? It did. And with the lack of pregnancy on my part, He went ahead and blessed my best friend with a pregnancy on my last chance before my sister's baby was born. Is this a joke? Is He up there laughing at me? Sometimes, I feel that way.
To give you a little background on my friend, she has tried a total of five months for three pregnancies (this will be her third child). I have tried a total of 45 months and still have not been able to conceive a second baby. Not that it is a contest - but you can see where I am coming from and why everything about this just sucks.
I need to call her, reassure her that I still love her and that I am happy for her (well, on some level) but I just haven't been able to pick up the phone yet. Of course, when she told me I gave her a hug and we both had tears in our eyes. Like I said, she knows. She gets (as best she can) how hard this is for me. It doesn't make it easier for either of us though.
As for DH and I? I think we are going to do another IUI next cycle and hope for the best. That's all we can do, right?
You know when you have a really terrible dream and even after you wake up you still have that awful feeling like there is something very wrong? That is how I have felt ever since Saturday. That something is VERY wrong and I cannot shake this terrible feeling.
She is my very best friend in the whole world and understands (as best she can) about what I am going through and how difficult this is for me. I love her and only want the best for her but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. It is so much about me, not about her and even though I know how selfish that is, I can't help but feel it just the same. To make everything worse, we could have been due within days of each other.
So, here I sit...my sister about to give birth - literally any day. (Again, I her and I would have been a DAY apart if our 2nd IUI would have worked.) When I found out that she was pregnant waaaaay back in May, I prayed to God that at the very least I would be pregnant by the time she had this oops baby. Deep down, I never thought that wouldn't happen. Guess what? It did. And with the lack of pregnancy on my part, He went ahead and blessed my best friend with a pregnancy on my last chance before my sister's baby was born. Is this a joke? Is He up there laughing at me? Sometimes, I feel that way.
To give you a little background on my friend, she has tried a total of five months for three pregnancies (this will be her third child). I have tried a total of 45 months and still have not been able to conceive a second baby. Not that it is a contest - but you can see where I am coming from and why everything about this just sucks.
I need to call her, reassure her that I still love her and that I am happy for her (well, on some level) but I just haven't been able to pick up the phone yet. Of course, when she told me I gave her a hug and we both had tears in our eyes. Like I said, she knows. She gets (as best she can) how hard this is for me. It doesn't make it easier for either of us though.
As for DH and I? I think we are going to do another IUI next cycle and hope for the best. That's all we can do, right?
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thoughts of a new year
Unless a Christmas miracle took place, I am about to enter another new year without being pregnant. I've been a pretty quiet blogger lately and I'm not really sure why that is. I guess because I have been taking some time off from TTC and therefore have not been completely wrapped up in my cycle, treatments or symptoms. And it has been a nice change of pace. Not nice enough to get out of the game for good just yet, but nice just the same.
I mentioned it before and I've been trying really hard to realize that there truly may not be a baby for me at the end of this road. I've been trying to envision a new reality with this outcome and what my life will look like. I've been trying to picture each one of my younger sisters as they continue to announce pregnancies - I have four younger sisters so that is A LOT of picturing. I've been doing everything within my mental power to be genuinely happy and at peace with the fact that my sister is going to have a baby in three weeks or less. As the result of an accidental pregnancy.
I've been trying. And most days? It works.
The only thing that I stumble upon is the idea that Keegan will never have a sibling. That just makes me so very sad and then I have to start trying all over again.
It's a lot of work.
There is so much to be thankful for in my life and I am blessed beyond words that I was able to experience pregnancy, birth and life with my amazing son. I focus on that and it puts so much into perspective. I still don't think it is fair, but I am trying to accept that I have no control over any of this. Hell, I am trying accept period.
This new year will bring another IUI, maybe two and, of course, hope. It also brings a hard reality - if we are not successful in the next couple of cycles, this year will bring with it the end of TTC. The end of a dream.
I really hope it does not end that way. But it might. And that is what I am busy doing during this quiet time. Mentally preparing. Of course, I've also been working like crazy, hosting Christmas, spending time with family and eating a ton. But you get the picture.
I mentioned it before and I've been trying really hard to realize that there truly may not be a baby for me at the end of this road. I've been trying to envision a new reality with this outcome and what my life will look like. I've been trying to picture each one of my younger sisters as they continue to announce pregnancies - I have four younger sisters so that is A LOT of picturing. I've been doing everything within my mental power to be genuinely happy and at peace with the fact that my sister is going to have a baby in three weeks or less. As the result of an accidental pregnancy.
I've been trying. And most days? It works.
The only thing that I stumble upon is the idea that Keegan will never have a sibling. That just makes me so very sad and then I have to start trying all over again.
It's a lot of work.
There is so much to be thankful for in my life and I am blessed beyond words that I was able to experience pregnancy, birth and life with my amazing son. I focus on that and it puts so much into perspective. I still don't think it is fair, but I am trying to accept that I have no control over any of this. Hell, I am trying accept period.
This new year will bring another IUI, maybe two and, of course, hope. It also brings a hard reality - if we are not successful in the next couple of cycles, this year will bring with it the end of TTC. The end of a dream.
I really hope it does not end that way. But it might. And that is what I am busy doing during this quiet time. Mentally preparing. Of course, I've also been working like crazy, hosting Christmas, spending time with family and eating a ton. But you get the picture.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Happy Holidays? I think not.
Things have been busy here. My new position is very time consuming, DH has been flying quite a bit more than usual - he was on a four day flight last week and leaves again tomorrow for a three day flight, and well, it is the holiday season. So, busy? Yes.
To add to the chaos, I haven't liked DH very much lately. In my opinion, he's just been a jerk. When he is home, that is. He is moody, in general. He gets it from his dad although God forbid if I ever say anything like that to him because he "is NOTHING like his dad!" - only he is. So, he goes in phases of being grumpy at the world and here we are, smack dab in the middle of one of those lovely phases. I find that I am less and less tolerant of these phases. I just don't like him right now and don't have time for his BS so I completely ignore him as much as possible. But it still nags at me to the point where it almost ruins my day and then I get angry. Because why should my husband's foul mood ruin my day? It's stupid and unfair.
I'm not going to even get in to the issues that set him off. Just know, that they are not anything outside the ordinary crap that we all deal with. He just has a shitty way of dealing with the problems and his emotions. And he definitely takes out his frustrations with me and by being a big jerk.
Also? I am sick of bleeding. I had my lap on 12/2 - exactly a week ago and I am still bleeding. I am guessing (?) that I now have my period. It was due tomorrow but with all the commotion, I am guessing it was jump started? I have no idea. I spotted off and one for a few days after my surgery and then stopped for a couple. Then, as of Sunday, it started up pretty heavy. I am not sure what to think. I also have cramping on top of the already sore and bruised organs in that area - topped off with my two incisions that are still healing. That whole area?? Yeah, it is off limits! God. This only ads to DH's crappy mood I am sure. Although, why should I care about that?? I am the one that has to deal with all the crap that is happening to my body.
I was talking to my best friend the other day and she pointed out that I had said I was tired about five times in our short conversation and that in her opinion, I was mildly depressed. She said it sarcastically but seriously and she is right. I am depressed and stressed.
'Tis the time of year, huh?
To add to the chaos, I haven't liked DH very much lately. In my opinion, he's just been a jerk. When he is home, that is. He is moody, in general. He gets it from his dad although God forbid if I ever say anything like that to him because he "is NOTHING like his dad!" - only he is. So, he goes in phases of being grumpy at the world and here we are, smack dab in the middle of one of those lovely phases. I find that I am less and less tolerant of these phases. I just don't like him right now and don't have time for his BS so I completely ignore him as much as possible. But it still nags at me to the point where it almost ruins my day and then I get angry. Because why should my husband's foul mood ruin my day? It's stupid and unfair.
I'm not going to even get in to the issues that set him off. Just know, that they are not anything outside the ordinary crap that we all deal with. He just has a shitty way of dealing with the problems and his emotions. And he definitely takes out his frustrations with me and by being a big jerk.
Also? I am sick of bleeding. I had my lap on 12/2 - exactly a week ago and I am still bleeding. I am guessing (?) that I now have my period. It was due tomorrow but with all the commotion, I am guessing it was jump started? I have no idea. I spotted off and one for a few days after my surgery and then stopped for a couple. Then, as of Sunday, it started up pretty heavy. I am not sure what to think. I also have cramping on top of the already sore and bruised organs in that area - topped off with my two incisions that are still healing. That whole area?? Yeah, it is off limits! God. This only ads to DH's crappy mood I am sure. Although, why should I care about that?? I am the one that has to deal with all the crap that is happening to my body.
I was talking to my best friend the other day and she pointed out that I had said I was tired about five times in our short conversation and that in her opinion, I was mildly depressed. She said it sarcastically but seriously and she is right. I am depressed and stressed.
'Tis the time of year, huh?
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