Yesterday was CD11 and like months past, I received an equal postivie OPK. I say equal because the test line was not dark, dark but equal to the reference line. Remember last month when I continued taking the opks and as I got closer to my "real" ovulation, I received a super dark postive? Did I mention I HATE opks?? I just think that I receive postives even when they really not positive. Does that make any sense at all or do I just sound like a rambling lunatic?
Anyway, this time I decided to "ignore" it and wait until today to test again. Today was positive, albeit another equal postive, so I called my RE and I go in today for an ultrasound to check folicles and see what the hell is gong on in there. I am happy about this because I cannot go off of those stupid test strips anymore! I really belive they lead me astray last month and therefore, we timed our IUI way too early. Well hell, I know we timed our IUI way to early because of them. I got a positve on CD11 and ovulated on CD15. This month I am doing everything I can to make sure the timing is a more appropriate.
So, I go in at 1pm and I am hoping all looks good. Then we can do the trigger and go in tomorrow (?) for the IUI. Wish me luck!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
A question
What are good post-wash numbers? I've been reading varying reports and I'm just curious. I think I'm going to call my clinic and ask again what DH's numbers were (I think around 23 or 26 million? But they didn't give a "grade" nor did they have morph numbers at that time) and also I wonder what they consider bad, good or great.
Any one have any information?
Any one have any information?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Lucky number 18?
It took us 18 long cycles to conceive Keegan and as of last Thursday (3/20), we are officially on cycle 18. I am keeping our fingers crossed that cycle 18 brings with it another positive.
The clomid question was taken out of my hands. I called my RE's office on Friday and had they been open or called me back in a timely manner, I would have probably gone ahead with clomid because I was in the city and I was in limbo. As it turns out, they had weird hours on Friday because of Easter and didn't get back to me until Monday morning - by then it was CD5 and I couldn't make it back up to the city (I live 45 minutes away) that day for a baseline ultrasound. Both baseline and clomid had to be done and started by CD5. So, clomid is a no go this cycle. I am okay with that. At first I felt annoyed with myself that I hadn't pushed harder to make contact with someone at the clinic but I've since realized that it probably happened for a reason. I wasn't sure anyway and it was taken out of my hands. So there.
I'm on to a new cycle and filled with hope. I will begin peeing on sticks on CD10 and as soon as I see a surge, I'll go in for an ultrasound. If all looks good, trigger and IUI. I am really feeling good about all this and hoping against hope that 18 truly is a lucky number for us.
The clomid question was taken out of my hands. I called my RE's office on Friday and had they been open or called me back in a timely manner, I would have probably gone ahead with clomid because I was in the city and I was in limbo. As it turns out, they had weird hours on Friday because of Easter and didn't get back to me until Monday morning - by then it was CD5 and I couldn't make it back up to the city (I live 45 minutes away) that day for a baseline ultrasound. Both baseline and clomid had to be done and started by CD5. So, clomid is a no go this cycle. I am okay with that. At first I felt annoyed with myself that I hadn't pushed harder to make contact with someone at the clinic but I've since realized that it probably happened for a reason. I wasn't sure anyway and it was taken out of my hands. So there.
I'm on to a new cycle and filled with hope. I will begin peeing on sticks on CD10 and as soon as I see a surge, I'll go in for an ultrasound. If all looks good, trigger and IUI. I am really feeling good about all this and hoping against hope that 18 truly is a lucky number for us.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Looking toward the horizon
Today is CD30 and while that means it has been one of my longest cycles yet, I barely took notice. I actually had to look at my calendar before I started this post to find out the exact CD. (How's that for obsessive? Ha!) Anyway, I guess there are two reasons that I haven't been paying much attention. One, I have had a lot of bullshit going on at work and my mind is so full of that, I am uable to think about much more. Two, I knew from the start that this cycle should be considered a natural cycle and therefore, I wasn't holding out much hope.
Our IUI was on CD12 and I ovulated on CD15 - not good timing. Also, it is why my period is "late". Considering when I ovulated, my period should show up today. When I took my temp this morning, a definite temp drop so it looks like my body is doing exactly what it should do. 14 day luteal phase. God, I am a lucky girl.
At any rate, I'm really not that disappointed. I mean, of course I am disappointed but I guess what I mean is I never really thought I was anyway so it isn't like I had my hopes up. With all this work stuff going on (I cannot get into it or I would be typing for the rest of the day), it would have been so nice to turn up pregnant and just say F*&@ You! But alas, no such luck.
I am looking forward to moving onto next cycle and going ahead with the monitoring and trigger. I have about 12 hours to decide if I want to throw clomid into the mix. I'm leaning towards no - but I just don't totally know. I wish someone would just TELL me what to do.
Our IUI was on CD12 and I ovulated on CD15 - not good timing. Also, it is why my period is "late". Considering when I ovulated, my period should show up today. When I took my temp this morning, a definite temp drop so it looks like my body is doing exactly what it should do. 14 day luteal phase. God, I am a lucky girl.
At any rate, I'm really not that disappointed. I mean, of course I am disappointed but I guess what I mean is I never really thought I was anyway so it isn't like I had my hopes up. With all this work stuff going on (I cannot get into it or I would be typing for the rest of the day), it would have been so nice to turn up pregnant and just say F*&@ You! But alas, no such luck.
I am looking forward to moving onto next cycle and going ahead with the monitoring and trigger. I have about 12 hours to decide if I want to throw clomid into the mix. I'm leaning towards no - but I just don't totally know. I wish someone would just TELL me what to do.
Monday, March 17, 2008
An infertility argument, to say the least
DH and I got into a BIG argument about infertility on Friday night. I really don't even know how or why it started but regardless, it did not end well.
Through this whole process, including the 18 months it took to conceive Keegan, he has been less than supportive. In fact, he has been so emotionally detached from the process and from me (when it comes to TTC) that I have learned to distance myself and my feelings about it from him. I do not think this is healthy in the least but I do not know how else to handle the situation with him.
I don't really know how to write this post without making him sound like a complete asshole but I do want to state that he is not. He is not a jerk, he is a good husband and a wonderful father. He just is a nightmare for me when it comes to all of this infertility shit and I really need to vent. I don't know if it is because he is the one with "the problem" or if it is just his nature but he is NOT supportive in the least. He'll go through the motions, to a point, and that is it. We are not a team in this endeavor, not even close. It has always been a huge issue with me but until Friday night, I was willing to overlook it. Now, not so much.
I read all these other blogs with husbands that hold hands, wipe tears, invest time and energy into the process and are just "there" for their wives. This is not my husband. In fact, during our fight he told me that he was sick of me getting upset when I get my period. He was sick of me letting my cycle run our lives and that we shouldn't have to plan our schedules around it. I, for one, completely agree - but hello, that is the BITCH of infertilty. We have no choice. I told him that and also that if I wanted to get "upset" or scream or cry or anything else when I get my period, I have every right. I am allowed to get upset and show emotion and that if fact, I was sick of him not showing emotion.
He also said I was obssessive?? He doesn't have a clue.
The thing that really pisses me off is that I truly do not show as much emotion as I feel when my period shows up or any other time for that matter. For the record, I do not cry. Certainly, not in front of him. I do not talk about the majority of what I am dealing with, day-to-day, with him. I purposely talk to him as little as possible about all of it because I know he wants to avoid it all as much as possible. I do most of my venting, talking, analyzing online because he does not want me to talk about it to anyone in real life. He even asked me not to talk to my best friend about it. It sucks!! Just because he pretends that none of it is happening does't mean it isn't. And it is not healthy to hold it in.
He also said at one point that he had done his part. Are you kidding me??? He has had to go in for TWO sperm analysis, and one IUI. That's it, folks. That is the extent of his involvement and discomfort. I have to temp every day, buy (at $50 a box) and take OPKs every month, have much more intrusive testing (such as an HSG, vaginal exams, ultrasounds, ect.), bleed and cramp every month and most recently, have a clamp around my cervix while a cathetor is insterted into my uterus. In the future, if there is one, I'll also have to endure various hormonal changes due to fertilty drugs and then more of the same as above.
If we are successful (ha!), then I get to puke for five months, get fat, have my internal organs completely rearranged inside of me due to a growing baby, heartburn, sleepless nights and a million other issues associated with pregnancy ending in pushing a baby out of my vagina.
Then comes breastfeeding....
I'm just so tired of all of it. I know he is too but he doesn't know the half of it.
I don't know what his problem was that night but he said so many hurtful and just plain mean things that it still makes me angry when I think of it. I couldn't even stand to look at him for the whole day afterwards and maybe said one or two words to him - not because was hold a grudge but because I truly did not want to look at his face.
Two days later, he is being as sweet as pie. Like none of it ever happened. It's miserable for me. Once yesterday, he looked at me and asked if I had ever talked to the doctor about a follow report from our IUI (having to do with his sperm) and I looked at him like he had 10 heads. Because seriously? Does he remember the fight? I didn't even bother to respond. And also? All you internet people know that I have spoken to the doctor - isn't it funny that he doesn' know? That's because I do not feel comfortable talking to him about it for fear that he thinks I am "obsessing".
Then last night, I was watching TV when that show, I can make you thin, came on. I've never seen it but DH walked out right when it came on and I said, "Hey - this guy is going to make me thin!" I was just kidding but do you know what DH's response was?? He smiled and said, "I don't want you thin, I want you fat and pregnant." Normally, that would have been a very sweet comment but not after he has said to me that he thinks we should just give up, that he cannot take of more day of this crap. What is wrong with him?
I am so sick of going through this all alone. I actually get jealous when I read about other husbands in this situation. That is just ridiculous.
I don't know where we go from here. I truly don't.
Through this whole process, including the 18 months it took to conceive Keegan, he has been less than supportive. In fact, he has been so emotionally detached from the process and from me (when it comes to TTC) that I have learned to distance myself and my feelings about it from him. I do not think this is healthy in the least but I do not know how else to handle the situation with him.
I don't really know how to write this post without making him sound like a complete asshole but I do want to state that he is not. He is not a jerk, he is a good husband and a wonderful father. He just is a nightmare for me when it comes to all of this infertility shit and I really need to vent. I don't know if it is because he is the one with "the problem" or if it is just his nature but he is NOT supportive in the least. He'll go through the motions, to a point, and that is it. We are not a team in this endeavor, not even close. It has always been a huge issue with me but until Friday night, I was willing to overlook it. Now, not so much.
I read all these other blogs with husbands that hold hands, wipe tears, invest time and energy into the process and are just "there" for their wives. This is not my husband. In fact, during our fight he told me that he was sick of me getting upset when I get my period. He was sick of me letting my cycle run our lives and that we shouldn't have to plan our schedules around it. I, for one, completely agree - but hello, that is the BITCH of infertilty. We have no choice. I told him that and also that if I wanted to get "upset" or scream or cry or anything else when I get my period, I have every right. I am allowed to get upset and show emotion and that if fact, I was sick of him not showing emotion.
He also said I was obssessive?? He doesn't have a clue.
The thing that really pisses me off is that I truly do not show as much emotion as I feel when my period shows up or any other time for that matter. For the record, I do not cry. Certainly, not in front of him. I do not talk about the majority of what I am dealing with, day-to-day, with him. I purposely talk to him as little as possible about all of it because I know he wants to avoid it all as much as possible. I do most of my venting, talking, analyzing online because he does not want me to talk about it to anyone in real life. He even asked me not to talk to my best friend about it. It sucks!! Just because he pretends that none of it is happening does't mean it isn't. And it is not healthy to hold it in.
He also said at one point that he had done his part. Are you kidding me??? He has had to go in for TWO sperm analysis, and one IUI. That's it, folks. That is the extent of his involvement and discomfort. I have to temp every day, buy (at $50 a box) and take OPKs every month, have much more intrusive testing (such as an HSG, vaginal exams, ultrasounds, ect.), bleed and cramp every month and most recently, have a clamp around my cervix while a cathetor is insterted into my uterus. In the future, if there is one, I'll also have to endure various hormonal changes due to fertilty drugs and then more of the same as above.
If we are successful (ha!), then I get to puke for five months, get fat, have my internal organs completely rearranged inside of me due to a growing baby, heartburn, sleepless nights and a million other issues associated with pregnancy ending in pushing a baby out of my vagina.
Then comes breastfeeding....
I'm just so tired of all of it. I know he is too but he doesn't know the half of it.
I don't know what his problem was that night but he said so many hurtful and just plain mean things that it still makes me angry when I think of it. I couldn't even stand to look at him for the whole day afterwards and maybe said one or two words to him - not because was hold a grudge but because I truly did not want to look at his face.
Two days later, he is being as sweet as pie. Like none of it ever happened. It's miserable for me. Once yesterday, he looked at me and asked if I had ever talked to the doctor about a follow report from our IUI (having to do with his sperm) and I looked at him like he had 10 heads. Because seriously? Does he remember the fight? I didn't even bother to respond. And also? All you internet people know that I have spoken to the doctor - isn't it funny that he doesn' know? That's because I do not feel comfortable talking to him about it for fear that he thinks I am "obsessing".
Then last night, I was watching TV when that show, I can make you thin, came on. I've never seen it but DH walked out right when it came on and I said, "Hey - this guy is going to make me thin!" I was just kidding but do you know what DH's response was?? He smiled and said, "I don't want you thin, I want you fat and pregnant." Normally, that would have been a very sweet comment but not after he has said to me that he thinks we should just give up, that he cannot take of more day of this crap. What is wrong with him?
I am so sick of going through this all alone. I actually get jealous when I read about other husbands in this situation. That is just ridiculous.
I don't know where we go from here. I truly don't.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
We may be related but we cannot relate
My mom was fertile - very, very fertile. She had six children and five of them were conceived within the first month or two of trying. She has absolutely no concept of infertility. On the very rare occasion that we end up discussing my "situation" I always walk away from the conversation disappointed and wanting more from her. What more do I want?? I have no idea. It's just that she is my mom and I feel like she should make things better instead of worse, you know?
I told her about our IUI and she asked a few minimal questions but the whole topic was covered in about five minutes or less and then she changed the subject. That was a week ago on Sunday, IUI day. Two days ago we were having lunch together and she kept looking at me weird. I could tell that she wanted to say something to me but didn't. I knew what that something was but I didn't encourage her - at all.
Last night, she called me and talked about a bunch of trivial things and then said, "Hmmm...I've been meaning to ask you something," all nonchalantly. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, just waiting for it. She wanted to know if I felt pregnant. To which I responded, "Um, no," but went on to say that I really wouldn't. Last time I didn't feel pregnant until I started getting sick at six weeks. Then, even though I knew I shouldn't have, I went on to tell her that I had talked to my doctor and had two options moving forward. She asked what they were and after I explained them, in detail (what was I thinking?), she said, "Well, just keep plugging along." And again, changed the subject.
Just keep plugging along?? What the hell is that? What does that mean?
She just doesn't get it and no matter what she says or how she responds, it never helps. Never. It is so frustrating for me and it makes me just dread talking about it with her. I hate it. She's my mom, the person that you are supposed to turn to when you are in trouble or need advice. I know that she can't relate, I know that. But. But! I wish she would think a bit before she responds. (One time she actually told me that if I couldn't get pregnant then I should just adopt a Chinese baby because they are so darn cute.) I wish she would just try to be a little more supportive rather than ask a couple of quick questions and then change the subject to something not so serious. I wish she would understand how awful and all encompassing this is for me and go out of her way to learn more about it.
I went online this morning and ordered her a book about infertility. I am going to give it to her in hopes that she'll realize how sensitive and "big" this issue is. That is nothing to joke about or breeze over. It is my reality and unfortunately, part of who I am. She needs to get it.
I told her about our IUI and she asked a few minimal questions but the whole topic was covered in about five minutes or less and then she changed the subject. That was a week ago on Sunday, IUI day. Two days ago we were having lunch together and she kept looking at me weird. I could tell that she wanted to say something to me but didn't. I knew what that something was but I didn't encourage her - at all.
Last night, she called me and talked about a bunch of trivial things and then said, "Hmmm...I've been meaning to ask you something," all nonchalantly. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, just waiting for it. She wanted to know if I felt pregnant. To which I responded, "Um, no," but went on to say that I really wouldn't. Last time I didn't feel pregnant until I started getting sick at six weeks. Then, even though I knew I shouldn't have, I went on to tell her that I had talked to my doctor and had two options moving forward. She asked what they were and after I explained them, in detail (what was I thinking?), she said, "Well, just keep plugging along." And again, changed the subject.
Just keep plugging along?? What the hell is that? What does that mean?
She just doesn't get it and no matter what she says or how she responds, it never helps. Never. It is so frustrating for me and it makes me just dread talking about it with her. I hate it. She's my mom, the person that you are supposed to turn to when you are in trouble or need advice. I know that she can't relate, I know that. But. But! I wish she would think a bit before she responds. (One time she actually told me that if I couldn't get pregnant then I should just adopt a Chinese baby because they are so darn cute.) I wish she would just try to be a little more supportive rather than ask a couple of quick questions and then change the subject to something not so serious. I wish she would understand how awful and all encompassing this is for me and go out of her way to learn more about it.
I went online this morning and ordered her a book about infertility. I am going to give it to her in hopes that she'll realize how sensitive and "big" this issue is. That is nothing to joke about or breeze over. It is my reality and unfortunately, part of who I am. She needs to get it.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I got some answers!
I called my clinic this morning and my RE was with patients (shock) so I talked to a nurse. She was sooooo sweet and helpful. The last nurse I talked to, about a month ago, was rude and very short with me so when I was told that I could talk to a nurse I was not expecting much. I was pleasantly surprised. The nurse said that they were there to help, offer advice and make me feel more comfortable about my treatment plan overall. She took the time to listen to all my concerns and validated all of them.
Here are the two options that we came up with for next cycle (if there is one):
Plan #1
Take OPKs and wait for my surge. Once I receive a positive, call and schedule an ultrasound for that day. They'll check my follicles and determine if I can trigger. If my follicles don't look ready, I wait a day or two and come back for a follow up ultrasound and if everything looks good - trigger after that one. I have always ovulated between CD12-14 so she thinks it'll be two ultrasounds MAX. This is exactly what I was hoping she'd say. So, after I trigger I'll come in for an IUI and hope for the best.
With this option I'll have complete control over ovulation and there will be no guess work involved by relying on those stupid OPKs.
Price = Ultrasound $194 (possible x2)
Trigger shot Generic HCG $20 vs. Ovadril $80 (not sure which one)
IUI $261
Worst case would be approximately $729 but hopefully more like $475.
Plan #2
Throw clomid into the mix. Go in for a baseline ultrasound between CD2-4, take clomid and wait for a surge. Once I have a surge, go in for an ultrasound and if all looks good - trigger. If not, wait a day or two and go in for another ultrasound. If all looks good - trigger.
With this option, we could increase our chances of conception a bit because we may have more than one egg, giving the sperm more than one target. We'd also increase our chance of multiples and I am not sure I am quite ready for that possibility. As much as I truly want to conceive, multiples scares me. A lot.
Price = Ultrasounds (x 2-4) $770
Trigger $20 - $80
IUI $261
Clomid?? (she didn't know specific cost but said it wasn't too much??)
Total cost would be in the ball park of $1,200 (worst case)
With all that being said, I am going with Plan #1. I think controlling timing would be a huge improvement. I also am hoping we'd have success at much lower cost. And then there is the chance of multiples which also plays a big role. Plan #1 is a good next step for us. If we aren't successful after a couple tries with that, then I think I would be at the point where I would want to introduce clomid.
Of course, I would much rather get a positive pregnancy test next week and forget any of this ever happened but the chances of that happening are pretty slim.
Here are the two options that we came up with for next cycle (if there is one):
Plan #1
Take OPKs and wait for my surge. Once I receive a positive, call and schedule an ultrasound for that day. They'll check my follicles and determine if I can trigger. If my follicles don't look ready, I wait a day or two and come back for a follow up ultrasound and if everything looks good - trigger after that one. I have always ovulated between CD12-14 so she thinks it'll be two ultrasounds MAX. This is exactly what I was hoping she'd say. So, after I trigger I'll come in for an IUI and hope for the best.
With this option I'll have complete control over ovulation and there will be no guess work involved by relying on those stupid OPKs.
Price = Ultrasound $194 (possible x2)
Trigger shot Generic HCG $20 vs. Ovadril $80 (not sure which one)
IUI $261
Worst case would be approximately $729 but hopefully more like $475.
Plan #2
Throw clomid into the mix. Go in for a baseline ultrasound between CD2-4, take clomid and wait for a surge. Once I have a surge, go in for an ultrasound and if all looks good - trigger. If not, wait a day or two and go in for another ultrasound. If all looks good - trigger.
With this option, we could increase our chances of conception a bit because we may have more than one egg, giving the sperm more than one target. We'd also increase our chance of multiples and I am not sure I am quite ready for that possibility. As much as I truly want to conceive, multiples scares me. A lot.
Price = Ultrasounds (x 2-4) $770
Trigger $20 - $80
IUI $261
Clomid?? (she didn't know specific cost but said it wasn't too much??)
Total cost would be in the ball park of $1,200 (worst case)
With all that being said, I am going with Plan #1. I think controlling timing would be a huge improvement. I also am hoping we'd have success at much lower cost. And then there is the chance of multiples which also plays a big role. Plan #1 is a good next step for us. If we aren't successful after a couple tries with that, then I think I would be at the point where I would want to introduce clomid.
Of course, I would much rather get a positive pregnancy test next week and forget any of this ever happened but the chances of that happening are pretty slim.
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