Thoughts of a new year

Unless a Christmas miracle took place, I am about to enter another new year without being pregnant. I've been a pretty quiet blogger lately and I'm not really sure why that is. I guess because I have been taking some time off from TTC and therefore have not been completely wrapped up in my cycle, treatments or symptoms. And it has been a nice change of pace. Not nice enough to get out of the game for good just yet, but nice just the same.

I mentioned it before and I've been trying really hard to realize that there truly may not be a baby for me at the end of this road. I've been trying to envision a new reality with this outcome and what my life will look like. I've been trying to picture each one of my younger sisters as they continue to announce pregnancies - I have four younger sisters so that is A LOT of picturing. I've been doing everything within my mental power to be genuinely happy and at peace with the fact that my sister is going to have a baby in three weeks or less. As the result of an accidental pregnancy.

I've been trying. And most days? It works.

The only thing that I stumble upon is the idea that Keegan will never have a sibling. That just makes me so very sad and then I have to start trying all over again.

It's a lot of work.

There is so much to be thankful for in my life and I am blessed beyond words that I was able to experience pregnancy, birth and life with my amazing son. I focus on that and it puts so much into perspective. I still don't think it is fair, but I am trying to accept that I have no control over any of this. Hell, I am trying accept period.

This new year will bring another IUI, maybe two and, of course, hope. It also brings a hard reality - if we are not successful in the next couple of cycles, this year will bring with it the end of TTC. The end of a dream.

I really hope it does not end that way. But it might. And that is what I am busy doing during this quiet time. Mentally preparing. Of course, I've also been working like crazy, hosting Christmas, spending time with family and eating a ton. But you get the picture.

Happy Holidays? I think not.

Things have been busy here. My new position is very time consuming, DH has been flying quite a bit more than usual - he was on a four day flight last week and leaves again tomorrow for a three day flight, and well, it is the holiday season. So, busy? Yes.

To add to the chaos, I haven't liked DH very much lately. In my opinion, he's just been a jerk. When he is home, that is. He is moody, in general. He gets it from his dad although God forbid if I ever say anything like that to him because he "is NOTHING like his dad!" - only he is. So, he goes in phases of being grumpy at the world and here we are, smack dab in the middle of one of those lovely phases. I find that I am less and less tolerant of these phases. I just don't like him right now and don't have time for his BS so I completely ignore him as much as possible. But it still nags at me to the point where it almost ruins my day and then I get angry. Because why should my husband's foul mood ruin my day? It's stupid and unfair.

I'm not going to even get in to the issues that set him off. Just know, that they are not anything outside the ordinary crap that we all deal with. He just has a shitty way of dealing with the problems and his emotions. And he definitely takes out his frustrations with me and by being a big jerk.

Also? I am sick of bleeding. I had my lap on 12/2 - exactly a week ago and I am still bleeding. I am guessing (?) that I now have my period. It was due tomorrow but with all the commotion, I am guessing it was jump started? I have no idea. I spotted off and one for a few days after my surgery and then stopped for a couple. Then, as of Sunday, it started up pretty heavy. I am not sure what to think. I also have cramping on top of the already sore and bruised organs in that area - topped off with my two incisions that are still healing. That whole area?? Yeah, it is off limits! God. This only ads to DH's crappy mood I am sure. Although, why should I care about that?? I am the one that has to deal with all the crap that is happening to my body.

I was talking to my best friend the other day and she pointed out that I had said I was tired about five times in our short conversation and that in her opinion, I was mildly depressed. She said it sarcastically but seriously and she is right. I am depressed and stressed.

'Tis the time of year, huh?

Still here, still not pregnant

Sorry that I've been MIA but I've had a lot going on and also have been ignoring IF as much as possible.

First, I got a promotion at work! Yay! This is something that I have been seeking for a long time and truly had pretty much given up any hope of it happening. Then, unexpectedly - it did. Life is weird that way and I've been trying to use that situation to put other parts of my life into perspective - but I'll get into that some other time. The bottom line with the promo - more money. More money makes the costs of IF treatments a little bit easier to swallow. I guess.

Second, I hosted Thanksgiving at our house. It was a good time and nice to hang out with family but it was also a lot of work! I took the day off before to clean and prepare and then spend the entire day after cleaning once again for my sister's baby shower which was the Sunday after T-day.

Third, my sister's baby shower. Yes, because I love to torture myself, I was the host. Actually, I didn't have too much of a choice as she not so much as asked me but told me that she wanted me to be the host. So, I was. I did pretty well, all things considered. I invited my best friend and made sure I always had eye contact with her so that I could let her know that I hated every minute of it. At any rate, having my BF there made everything more bearable. And as far as she goes...I have not heard an inkling of pregnancy from her. But I'm guess she is - or just about to find out. Gulp.

Fourth, I had a pelvic laporascopy. My doctor decided to go ahead with this to rule out any unknowns with me - cysts, scarring, endo, blocked tubes, etc. Guess what? Everything checked out perfectly. Yet another test that I aced. I don't know how I feel about that either. I mean on one hand, I am so glad that there is nothing wrong with me and we do not have another obstacle to face. On the other hand, I was hoping for some solid reason why we weren't pregnant - something they could FIX. Not so much.

We really, truly are faced with Male Factor IF due to low morphology. It seems so weird to me that his stupid low morph is what has kept us from getting pregnant for over TWO years. Especially considering there has been at least one egg, sometimes more every single cycle of that two years. Crazy when you think of all the people out there who get pregnant without even remotely trying. Like my sister.

The lap went pretty well and wasn't as painful as I feared it would be. Part of that, I'm sure, is because my doctor didn't have to do much work in there. Everything looked great so she just poked around a bit and flushed out my tubes (which were not blocked) and closed me up. I was only out for about an hour. The procedure was only on Tuesday so I am still sore and tired. My belly button incision is bothering me the most because it is always rubbing against the waistline of my pants so matter what I do. The gas bubbles that travel up to my neck and shoulders aren't much fun either. But overall, I'm fine and it wasn't bad at all.

We're taking a couple weeks off of TTC. Well, technically, I am on CD 24 and I'm not really sure if I'll get a real period now or not? If I do stay on schedule, our next chance at TTC would be over Christmas Eve and Day...hmmm....maybe a Christmas miracle? LOL. Yeah right. Once I see if my cycle is still on track and I make some pretty big payments to our RE, we are probably looking at another IUI after the first of the year. Happy 2009. Or whatever. I can't believe we are going into another year and still aren't pregnant.

In the meantime, I am going to focus on letting my body heal and enjoying the holidays with my family. Count my blessings and all that crap. :)

D Day

Well, it hasn't arrived yet but it will. Today is CD29 and I ovulated on CD 15 so today is the day. All boob soreness is officially gone and I have absolutely NOTHING in the way of symptoms. I am not even considering taking a pregnancy test because it is not worth the time and effort. This cycle did not work.

I have been very pleasantly surprised by my DH's full speed forward, positive attitude this cycle. I have felt more like a team with him than ever before and I was nervous that when this day came, his spirit would be crushed and it would all go down-hill from there. Not so. He told me yesterday that he wants to jump right back into another IUI cycle right away which pretty much shocked me. Unfortunately, the reality is that we'll have to wait at least one more cycle, if not two for that for a couple of reasons. One, we're heading to Ve*gas for (my) work tomorrow and would miss the first four days of the cycle so no baseline. No baseline us/ = no medicated cycle.

Also, we owe the clinic about $1,200 for this shitty failed cycle. Last time we had a balance, they did not let us start a new one until the old one was paid off. With Christmas coming, our car insurance and tabs (on both cars) due by the end of November as well as all our normal bills - I just do not see us paying in full right now. It'll probably have to be spread out over two months.

Another reason - I just emailed my regular doctor about possibly doing a laporascopy in the next month. I just found out that I met my yearly deductible which is $250 so if I have the procedure done before December 31, I'll save that much and truly, every little bit helps. I'm not totally sold on the lap but I sort of figure what do I have to lose?? Worst case scenario, everything looks great and then I'll know, once and for all, that I am fine and we are truly and completely dealing with Male Factor. I'm just a little nervous about the procedure itself -and of course, what 20% of it will cost because that is what I'll be paying for. Ugh. I hate, hate, hate the money associated with IF and not having any IF insurance. It SUCKS.

Like I said, I am heading to Ve*gas tomorrow morning for four days. DH is coming with me and I am really looking forward to getting away. I knew going into this cycle that we'd either be in Ve*gas celebrating our success or drinking away our sorrows. I guess it'll be the latter.

At least we'll get to soak up the sun for a short while! It is supposed to be 75-78 degrees there and I think it is 29 degrees here right now. Focus on the positives, right?? I have a favorite quote by Hell*en Kel*ler and it says this, " Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot not see the shadows." I don't think any quote could be more true for me right now. So, that is how I am going to (try) and approach the next few days. I can't promise more than that but while we are out in the desert, where it is sunny and warm I think I can do it.

I'm so scared

My best friend very subtly told me that she was on her second month without her IUD. After the horrible shock of those words, two things went through my mind. One, why didn't she tell me that she had decided to take it out? We tell each other pretty much everything. I can't believe she left this "minor" detail out. But then I realized that she KNEW it wasn't a minor detail. She was trying to protect me the best way she could, by not telling me. She was scared of how I would react. The second thought was thank God she isn't pregnant. Yet. (I knew this because she was talking of her period since getting her IUD out.)

I won't lie...I was biting my cheek and doing everything in my power to not start crying. I'm just so sad and so scared. She is my best friend - I do not know what I'd do without her in my life. Yet, I do not know how I am going to react when she is pregnant a month or so from now - and I'm not. She has two girls now, 2 yrs and 4yrs, both conceived on the first try. Actually, without even "trying" in both cases. She will be pregnant and it will be soon.

What makes this situation so much more difficult for me is that she KNOWS. She knows, secondhand, what I am going through. She knows that I will be SO upset when she conceives easily again. But what can she do? Put her life and dreams on hold to pacify me? Of course not. I don't expect that. It won't make it hurt any less.

When my other best friend, my sister, found out that she had an accidental pregnancy, my biggest fear about the whole situation was that she would give birth and I will STILL not be pregnant. Well, my sister is due in late January. That gives me two more chances after this cycle. The odds are against me. And now? I will be dealing with that birth and all of the million emotions that will accompany it as well as the news of my best friends (3rd) pregnancy.

How am I going to get through this? How am I going to get through this and still be a functioning person? How am I going to get through this and still be a good friend and sister? I'm not sure I can. I'm really at a low right now and I do not know how to put it all into perspective.

Why me? I know that sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am but, I keep asking God that over and over again. WHY? I think we are good people and good parents. We have a good marriage and a nice home. Why is having children so hard for us?

I think about my best friend and it instantly brings tears to my eyes. I am so angry! Not at her, not at all at her. But at how nice it must be to just decide you it's time for another baby and *snap* you're pregnant. How exciting and fun it must be to plan it out. I'm so angry because all the fun is gone for DH and I in this area and we'll never get it back.

In the time it took my best friend to have her two girls and (probably) get pregnant with her third, I have gone through a total of 41 failed cycles, a dozen thermometers, dozens and dozens of doctors appointments, vigorous testing, three IUIs, numerous medicated cycles and thousands of dollars in medical bills.

What next? What if I shrivel up into a little ball of self-wallowing? What then?

8dpiui

And really nothing to report. Last night I felt like I had cramping in that area but who knows, it could be my subconcious knowing that it was prime implantation time or it could be the leftovers I had for dinner. As far as anything else? Nadda. No sore boobs, nothing.

I've still got a week to go but I can't even imagine that this will turn out positively and that scares the hell out of me. I've had one BFN too many and one more may just put me over the edge.

So, do you feel pregnant?

Hmmm...What can I relate this question to for those fertiles out there? I'll have to give it some thought. They just don't get it and why should they? This is the question that my mom asked me yesterday. She meant no harm, she said it cheerfully and with a smile on her face. Yet, I wanted to hit her. DON'T ASK ME THAT!! For so many reasons! One, it hurts. Two, I'm trying not to think about it. Three, it jinxes the situation. Four, even if I was pregnant, I wouldn't feel it yet. It probably wouldn't have even implanted yet. Five, it doesn't feel supportive or compassionate. It just doesn't. Six, don't ask me that. Just don't.

Just another casualty of IF is the distance that it has put between my mother and I. Don't get me wrong, we are very close still and she is a great mom. BUT I cannot talk to her about any of this. I just can't because she rarely says or does the right thing. Again, it is not her fault. She was extremely fertile. She has six kids and got pregnant on almost the first try each time. She just cannot comprehend what I am going through. And in my opinion, does not try very hard to either. And my sister? (For the record, I have four but I am referring to the pregnant one.) She is not any better. Maybe worse, actually.

On Sunday afternoon, I went over to my mom's to chat with her and my pregnant sister. I left Keegan at home so I could have a bit more quality time with them and just hang out. They decided to spend their time huddled together on the couch, shopping online for "cute" baby clothes and other baby items. I kid you not. My mom was fully aware of how my weekend had gone, back to back appointments at a fertility clinic and added IF costs that were stressing me out. Not to mention an IUI scheduled the next morning. But yet, her and my sister had their heads together ooooing and awwwing over this crap. Then they both started talking about the nursery furniture that had just been delivered and that my mom had bought for her. Nice.

Needless to say, I did not stay long. I just could not deal with it. I think I try pretty hard to be happy for my sister and be sensitive to the fact that this is a happy time for her. I just wish they could do the same for me. Understand and be sensitive to the fact that this is a horrible time for me.

I don't know what the answer is. I just know it hurts right now. I wish I could make them understand how emotional this is for me, how real it is and how final it potentially could be. They have never been faced with the fact that they may never have a baby. That it is physically impossible for it to happen and there isn't a damn thing they can do about it. It is out of the realm of their understanding.

They also don't understand that whether we get pregnant or not, there will always be scars. I've been robbed of the "fun" that they were able to experience when TTC. I doubt that I will ever experience a surprise pregnancy or not know exactly what CD I am on. Like my sister, I will never realize that I am a week late getting my period and never have the thought that I may be pregnant cross my mind. If we do conceive, it will most likely happen in a doctors office and will involve medical instruments and will not happen during the act of making love. In fact, if a miracle occurred and we did conceive from this last IUI, DH was not even present at the time of insemination. That sucks and I will never forget that.

Do I feel pregnant? The answer to that question is no. I feel angry.