Would you take those odds? Would you plop down $13k on a blackjack table knowing there is only a 58% chance of winning?
Going to our appointment was rough. I have been so numb to all of this for months now and so I was surprised that the second I sat down in the chair and our RE opened his mouth, I had instant tears in my eyes. What he said to us was no real surprise, there was nothing new for me to learn but for some reason I had a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. In fact, every time I give it any real time or though, I start crying. All of it is just so completely unfair. I know I need to get past that and accept our situation for what it is but it is just so hard. And going to that appointment was like having someone jabbing a big stick at an old wound. It hurt.
DH doesn't have an answer. He says he is a strong 50/50. Great, because that is exactly where I am at - a strong 50/50.
I honestly don't know what to do. I just wish someone would tell me and make the decision for me. I said that to my mom and her response was, "do it". That seems easy enough but it isn't that easy. It just isn't.
Because what if it doesn't work? Or...what if it works and we have twins? I can honestly say I don't want twins. Then I think, beggars can't be choosers and then I get mad because why am I considered a beggar? It's not our fault that DH was born with low morphology. Why the hell is that not considered a medical condition??? It is and it's bullshit. And yes, we can transfer just one embryo but our odds are better transferring two so that would be the smarter decision if we are only doing this one time. But I really, really don't want multiples. And I really, really don't want to pay $13k and go through all the emotions just to have it all fail. I can't image what it feels like to make a payment each month and have a constant reminder of failure and the loss of hope. I know a lot of people out there who do it but I'm just not sure I am strong enough to let go fo that huge range of emotions each time you sit down to make that payment, month after month.
You see? My mind goes around and around for hours like this if I let it. It is making me sick.
I'm trying to turn it over, let the right answer just come to me but so far, no luck.
I don't know.
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4 comments:
Would I plop down $13k on a blackjack table with those odds? Of course not. When you play blackjack, all you have hope of winning is money. With this, you might get a baby. I've done it, by the way, plopped down over $13k for a baby...twice.
Might is the key word. Isn't it? I'm not debating whether a baby is worth $13k. I know it is. $13k doesn't equal a baby. $13k equals a CHANCE for a baby. I'm still stuck on the maybe portion of that equation.
This is the battle that I deal with everyday in my head.... do I spend the money for the chance that it will work, or do I put my money on a sure bet and adopt! It's so hard, and I honestly don't think there is a "right" decision. I am trying IUI, starting this month, and will do it three times max.... if it works then PTL, and if not, then I will be moving to my next plan which is adoption. I hope that you and your hubby are able to come to a decision here soon.... I understand your pain!!!!
I can't help with this decision at all. We did take that chance. And it worked for us. But if it hadn't worked would I have thought it was worth it? I suspect I would have, even though I would have been devastated. But I don't know what's right for you.
Sorry I'm of no help, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you as you work through this.
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