That's what it feels like right now. On Saturday morning, I got my period and...my best friend got a positive pregnancy test. Probably about the same exact time. And while it was expected (I knew she was trying and I knew she was as fertile as the day is long), it is REALLY hard for me.
You know when you have a really terrible dream and even after you wake up you still have that awful feeling like there is something very wrong? That is how I have felt ever since Saturday. That something is VERY wrong and I cannot shake this terrible feeling.
She is my very best friend in the whole world and understands (as best she can) about what I am going through and how difficult this is for me. I love her and only want the best for her but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. It is so much about me, not about her and even though I know how selfish that is, I can't help but feel it just the same. To make everything worse, we could have been due within days of each other.
So, here I sit...my sister about to give birth - literally any day. (Again, I her and I would have been a DAY apart if our 2nd IUI would have worked.) When I found out that she was pregnant waaaaay back in May, I prayed to God that at the very least I would be pregnant by the time she had this oops baby. Deep down, I never thought that wouldn't happen. Guess what? It did. And with the lack of pregnancy on my part, He went ahead and blessed my best friend with a pregnancy on my last chance before my sister's baby was born. Is this a joke? Is He up there laughing at me? Sometimes, I feel that way.
To give you a little background on my friend, she has tried a total of five months for three pregnancies (this will be her third child). I have tried a total of 45 months and still have not been able to conceive a second baby. Not that it is a contest - but you can see where I am coming from and why everything about this just sucks.
I need to call her, reassure her that I still love her and that I am happy for her (well, on some level) but I just haven't been able to pick up the phone yet. Of course, when she told me I gave her a hug and we both had tears in our eyes. Like I said, she knows. She gets (as best she can) how hard this is for me. It doesn't make it easier for either of us though.
As for DH and I? I think we are going to do another IUI next cycle and hope for the best. That's all we can do, right?
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7 comments:
Huge Hugs Angie.
I wish so much that you would have gotten your Christmas Miracle. I didn't get mine either. So, both you and I can move on to yet another cycle together. Not that that's any consolation at all. I feel for you honey. I really do.
*hugs*
Hi Angie. It's good to hear from you, even if your news isn't great. I know how hard this is (http://talkingaboutmyself.wordpress.com/2009/01/06/hello-im-back/). It just sucks, and you're allowed to be both happy for her and in pain for yourself. But you know this already. You already know all of it.
I'm thinking of you, and truly glad you posted. Please keep talking.
Love,
tam
It's great that your friend is understanding and of course you're happy for her but it still sucks for you. All these months of trying and watching others get pregnant and have babies- wish there was some way to make it easier for you. Sending hugs- Leslie
I totally feel for you. The same thing happened when my best friend got pregnant the first month trying. She adamently doesn't want any more, and I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning that getting getting pregnant, it seems.
I can really identify with your blogs, and have been reading them for a little while now. I'll keep thinking of you. Maybe this year will bring a stork to all of us? We can only hope.
Hugs!! I know how hard this is. Two of my good friends got pregnant (due two weeks apart) while we had been trying for five years. I was devistated and felt so left out of the belly group. Hugs. -kriss
Yes, it sucks, no question. I really would try to reach out to your friend, if anything to tell her all of the things you said, and then give yourself permission to have a little space. You aren't a bad person, you're not a bad friend, just human.
I so know how you feel!! My b.f. is the exact same. She is about to have her 3rd child!! Im praying for you!!
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