My best friend very subtly told me that she was on her second month without her IUD. After the horrible shock of those words, two things went through my mind. One, why didn't she tell me that she had decided to take it out? We tell each other pretty much everything. I can't believe she left this "minor" detail out. But then I realized that she KNEW it wasn't a minor detail. She was trying to protect me the best way she could, by not telling me. She was scared of how I would react. The second thought was thank God she isn't pregnant. Yet. (I knew this because she was talking of her period since getting her IUD out.)
I won't lie...I was biting my cheek and doing everything in my power to not start crying. I'm just so sad and so scared. She is my best friend - I do not know what I'd do without her in my life. Yet, I do not know how I am going to react when she is pregnant a month or so from now - and I'm not. She has two girls now, 2 yrs and 4yrs, both conceived on the first try. Actually, without even "trying" in both cases. She will be pregnant and it will be soon.
What makes this situation so much more difficult for me is that she KNOWS. She knows, secondhand, what I am going through. She knows that I will be SO upset when she conceives easily again. But what can she do? Put her life and dreams on hold to pacify me? Of course not. I don't expect that. It won't make it hurt any less.
When my other best friend, my sister, found out that she had an accidental pregnancy, my biggest fear about the whole situation was that she would give birth and I will STILL not be pregnant. Well, my sister is due in late January. That gives me two more chances after this cycle. The odds are against me. And now? I will be dealing with that birth and all of the million emotions that will accompany it as well as the news of my best friends (3rd) pregnancy.
How am I going to get through this? How am I going to get through this and still be a functioning person? How am I going to get through this and still be a good friend and sister? I'm not sure I can. I'm really at a low right now and I do not know how to put it all into perspective.
Why me? I know that sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am but, I keep asking God that over and over again. WHY? I think we are good people and good parents. We have a good marriage and a nice home. Why is having children so hard for us?
I think about my best friend and it instantly brings tears to my eyes. I am so angry! Not at her, not at all at her. But at how nice it must be to just decide you it's time for another baby and *snap* you're pregnant. How exciting and fun it must be to plan it out. I'm so angry because all the fun is gone for DH and I in this area and we'll never get it back.
In the time it took my best friend to have her two girls and (probably) get pregnant with her third, I have gone through a total of 41 failed cycles, a dozen thermometers, dozens and dozens of doctors appointments, vigorous testing, three IUIs, numerous medicated cycles and thousands of dollars in medical bills.
What next? What if I shrivel up into a little ball of self-wallowing? What then?
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4 comments:
*hugs*
I don't even know if there is anything to say Angie. I'm thinking of you.
*hugs*
I wish I could say it will all be okay. That you will be pregnant soon and all your worries and feelings of bitterness will go away. But I can't say that. What I can say is I can totally relate to the feelings you are having. And that I wish we lived closer. I don't really have a close friend IRL that has gone through anywhere near what I (and you) have. It sucks that OH and MN have to be so far away.
-Leighann
Hey Angie,
I completely completely know how you feel. I so know that scared feeling, that pit-in-the-stomach, oh god please don't let this happen, don't let her get pregnant first, oh god this hurts so much, how am I not going to cry in front of her feeling. I know it so well. I felt exactly the same way when my sister-in-law said they were trying again. And there is nothing to say about it other than that this too shall pass.
Ugh, I know, it's so cliche. But it's so true. And as for how you are going to get through this and still be a good sister and friend...well, you'll just take it one day at a time, and you will. You will get through it. And it will be painful at times, but it won't be as bad as it seems right now, looking at the whole thing from this perspective. It is so hard, but you will get through it. One foot in front of the other, and you will.
It hurts so much, doesn't it? I know. Argh. It is a sick feeling, and just know that you are not alone in those feelings. We are real live people out here, reading your feelings, and knowing what they are and having them ourselves.
I am here with you now and thinking of you lots.
I stumbled across your blog that was linked from another place. I know you're really hurting, but I am so happy to find out I'm not alone. I endured my best friend getting pregnant on her first try. It was agony throught the whole 9 months, and it's still painful when we have to go to birthday parties, etc. I have tried VERY HARD to be there for her. Some days I convince myself to try to enjoy her daughter because I don't have one of my own. A few times I have even volunteered to babysit, figuring I may turn into the nice "aunt" that she likes. And some days I can't even bear to look at her picture. You deal with each day as it comes. Thanks for putting your feelings out there for all of us. At least I'm not the only one who feels this away.
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