Last night I was sitting at Keegan's swimming lessons and I was SO crabby. Everyone I looked at was bugging me and I was stewing about some work things and dreading the next two weeks because they are just so busy. And then it hit me. PMS. I am totally PMSing.
Shit.
I know I still have five days left but I know my body well enough to know how it works. I am right on par with any other negative cycle. Swell.
It's not like I had much hope in me anyway. But even a little hope is hard to let go of and hard to get over.
The thing that I am currently struggling with the most is this...when and how do you stop? I've been talking about this for awhile, gearing up for the fall when I am pretty sure we are going to quit. But how? I was thinking that if this was my last cycle (which it isn't quite yet) then how do I just shift gears and ignore my cycles? How do I just not think about fertile days or timing sex? How do I truly let go? I think that is going to be SO hard to do. I won't go back on birth control for a couple of reasons but mostly because it all makes me so sick. I also can't imagine doing something as permanent as DH having a vasectomy. But eventually, we'll have to talk about that. As much as I want another baby, I do not want one at 50, you know? Not that I am close to 50 but I'm just saying.
I'm rambling, I know. But I truly wonder, after actively trying for almost 50 cycles, how do you just stop?
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3 comments:
I have no idea, Angie. But I have always said I don't want kids after 35 (personal reasons, plus that means my kids would be 6+ years apart, and at that point, why bother) so I only have another year or so to try before I would be 35 when I give birth. So eventually I either have to get pregnant or think about how I stop the madness and try to move on. I have no idea how I go about doing that either. But if we end in the same boat (and I hope the boat we actually are in is both being pregnant VERY soon) and have to move on, we can lean on each other. I know it's a small consolation, but misery loves company..
-Leighann
I know exactly how stressful this time is. I've spent the last two weeks convinced that our IUI didn't work, the last week in PMS hell and then today had a positive beta. I guess all I'm saying is that you never know until the data are back from the lab. Hang in there, my fingers are crossed for you.
Where are you? I miss you!
-Leighann
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