Sorry, I've been MIA. I'm having a tough time. Another month has gone by, another failed natural cycle and I find myself on a path looking forward at three directions.
I can quit. I can be done with this nonsense, once and for all. I can wash my hands of the heartache, sadness, anger and unfairness of it all. I can stop living my life in two week increments. I can accept the hand we were dealt and move forward knowing that this is our fate. We are and will be a family of three and that is that. I can plan vacations and weekends and make future plans that have nothing to do with what time of month it is or that take into account that there is always the chance that I could be pregnant. I won't have to spend another dime on just the slight chance of getting pregnant. No more talk of sperm washing or follicles. No more fertility drugs that screw with my hormones.
I won't have to worry about puking my guts out for five months straight or sleepless newborn nights or losing baby weight. I won't have to go through potty training or terrible twos again. I'll be done with daycare costs forever in one year.
In some ways, this path sounds wonderful. I could be free.
OR
I can continue with IUIs. I think of quitting and while it sounds great in so many ways, one thought keeps popping into my mind. Someone is missing. I just feel it in my bones and maybe it is wishful thinking? Maybe some remnants of hope leftover from each cycle? Or maybe it is just the shadow of infertility that is bound to follow me around for the unforeseen future. I'm not sure but I feel it. There is someone missing from our family. And it is that feeling that makes me want to try one more time. And then one more time again. It is the one thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel.
When it comes to getting pregnant, there are huge three reasons that I want it more than anything. One, I want to give Keegan a sibling. I want it so much that it brings tears to my eyes. Two, I want to feel life move inside of me again. Three, I want to give birth again. It is the most powerful and meaningful experience one could ever have. Of course, there are a million other reasons but those are at the top. To never have any of those come to fruition just makes me so sad.
But - I am sick sick of going through the IUI regiment. It's ridiculous, really. I truly think that if it was going to work, it would have by now. I have had five perfect IUI cycles, good follicle counts, good lining, good timing and no success. So, I can keep trying but why? And for how long? I could add injectables but why? Maybe I could have a successful cycle but at what price? I do not want multiples. I do not want four or six babies. I am scared to take that chance. It is unfair that I should have to. Are my choices really to either not have a baby or to have a litter of them? That sucks. The injectable route does not feel right, it just feels scary.
OR
I can do IVF. I know in my heart of hearts that this is our best chance for success. Then again, that is what I thought with IUI and look where that got us. It seems with each new step, you feel that you'll find success. That is not true. Just because we decide to do IVF does not mean that we'll end up pregnant. If we do IVF and miraculously end up pregnant, it does not mean we'll take home a baby. Just because you do IVF does not guarantee a happily ever after ending. It's spending $25,000 for a chance. A chance. I think of all the time, money, emotions, expectations and hopes that go into that chance and I cringe. Do I want to do that to myself and my marriage? Because after three unsuccessful tries and another year down the IF road, then what? What happens next and how do you pick up the pieces and move forward?
I could push my DH into this option that he is against. I could fight for it and give ultimatums. If it is succesful, I could look at him and say, "I told you so!!" but if it doesn't work, am I prepared to stand by my argument that this was the right path for us to take? No, I do not think I am. I do not have confidence in that decision.
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So, this is where I have been. Wandering through the forest, trying to figure out which path to take.
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3 comments:
Let's face it, all the options suck. Of course, there are positives and negatives to all of them, but what it all boils down to is they all suck. I know this, because I have my own list of options, and the only option that doesn't suck is the one I can't have. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time lately. I can completely understand. PM me if you want to talk. I'm here...
-Leighann
Have been thinking of you a lot lately. Sounds like you're definitley at a crossroads of sorts and since I have no words of wisdom, will just send my hope for the strength to make the best decision for your family. It really does suck to even be faced with these kinds of choices. So frustrating to watch good parents struggle- sending you hugs and wishing it was more, Leslie
Wow. Once again, I could have written this post, maybe not as eloquently.
As you know from your situation, we are doing IVF. But it wasn't without much contemplation. It has cost us $12,900 plus about $700 in medications. I had many medications donated for this clinical trial I am a part of and all of my FETs would be covered as long as I had remaining embryos. It seemed like a good deal, but then of course, I think the worst: all of our eggs could die, none could freeze, I might not get pregnant with any that are okay, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum.
For me, if I didn't at least try this, then I think I would have always wondered and been angry on some level. I do feel a sense of peace knowing I am reaching the end of my road. Either this will work and I may get to take home a healthy baby, or it won't. And we have pretty much decided that if it doesn't, then we are DONE.
Just writing this makes me want to cry because I want Ainsley to have a little brother or sister, so badly it hurts. But it is out of my hands. I understand your position.
Just a thought, I know you are far away from large fertility clinics, but have you considered the prospect of doing a mini-IVF? There are a few clinics in the US that do them. It is similar to what you are already doing, but they take out the one or two follicles and fertilize them in the lab. They have decent success rates, certainly not as good as traditional IVF, but easier on your body and CHEAPER. Just a thought . . .
I am thinking of you . .
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