I'm at a really weird point right now. I'm sure every infertile reaches this crossroads at some point. For some, it may be after multiple IVFs or FETs, for some it may be after months of trying naturally and not wanting to do medical intervention and for me it is after two IUIs and 20 months of trying. Everybody is so different and there are so many factors that tie into each person's decision and then there is a level of emotional tolerance that you reach. I'm am at a point where I'm just not sure what path I want to take.
From the beginning, I knew we'd never do IVF. Or maybe, more specifically, I knew DH would never consider IVF so neither did I. And I'm okay with that, I am not sure I would ever want to go down that path. Not to mention the money aspect. Ugh. Same with adoption, it is just not for us. DH and I have never really talked about it but I know we are both on the same page with that. I admire those who go down that road, I think it is wonderful. But these are all such personal decisions and one thing I've realized throughout all this is that we are all different. What works for some, does not for others. I don't judge and hope others don't of me.
That brings us back to IUI. We've done two now. Not a large number nor not a huge undertaking overall. Two unsuccessful IUIs is not tragic in the scheme of things, I get that. It's just that there is so much more involved and at stake than just two IUIs. 20 months of trying (and again, 38 total) is exhausting. I am tired and need a break right now. Do I want to get pregnant? Abosolutely. We are not going to quit trying naturally, I am far from that. But, I am also realistic. The odds of it happening naturally are pretty slim. Plus, I kind of feel like we used up our miracle when we conceived Keegan. Thing like that just don't happen twice. I'm beginning to realize that.
I thought that when I found out this cycle didn't work I'd start crying and not be able to stop. I know that I was upset enough to do just that but in reality, I haven't cried once. Whenever I think about it, which is a lot, I just turn inward. I am sad and angry but it just makes me quiet. I've started thinking about the reality of only having one child. What that would mean - to both him and to us. I've been trying to wrap my mind around what that would be like and the bottom line is, it sucks.
Selfishly? it would be nice to never have to deal with all day sickness for months, pregnancy weight gain, sleep deprevation, feeding challenges, toddlers tantrums and the like. It would be great to know that we could either take Keegan or arrange for a sitter and begin to travel again. Hell - we could plan again! Plan...weekends away or spring vacations. I'd never have to worry about what CD it is. I could work hard on my body and getting it back to where I'd like it to be and not have to worry about weight gain from infertility related hormones or the havoc that pregnancy (and breastfeeding) does to a woman's body. I wouldn't have to stress about money or the timing of scheduled appointments. I could drink diet coke to my heart's desire!
But. I would happily and graciously take all that and more for the unspeakable joy that comes with feeling your child move within you. To go through labor again and feel that unbelieable sense of power, pride and accomplishment. To smell that sweet baby smell again. To feel the weight of my baby sleeping in my arms. To hear my child tell me he loves me for the first time. To know that I created life with my husband.
And unselfishly? To give Keegan a sibling, the greatest gift there is. To know that he always has a "friend" by his side, someone to play with, someone who always has his back. To know that he does not have to deal with his parents in their old age by himself. To teach him even more about the power of unconditional love and acceptance.
I want to scream and shout about the unfairness. I want to bang my fists against the wall and sob. But I can't. All of this is so far out of my control and I am now trying to accept that. What else can I do? No matter what, I cannot make this happen. The reality is, it truly may never happen. And I have to learn some sort of acceptance. Because in addition to two IUIs and 20 months of trying, I do have a life that is happening at the same time. I have to wake up each day and live it - infertile or not.
3 comments:
I am just so sorry, Angie. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but all I can do is empathize. I know all too well that numb feeling that comes with months of TTC with nothing to show for it but an emotional drain and a slightly (or not so slightly) depleted bank account. It sucks how all-consuming infertility is. It's out of our control. There are no guarantees when or if it will ever end. All we can do is hope for the best.
I am always going to support you through your struggle. I'm praying for you - that Keegan gets a sibling, and that you get to have the family you dream of.
((HUGS))
-Leighann
You, your DH and Keegan are in my prayers. I am sorry you have to go through all of this, it just does not seem fair.
I wanted to leave a note to let you know that I am reading, that I care and that your in my prayers.
Hugs,
JO
*huge hugs*
I'm on a similar road. We've been "trying" again now for about 20 months. It was 26 months the first time for our natural miracle. I've often wondered if I'll have another natural baby. Like you, I am pretty positive I'll never do IVF, or even IUI's for that matter. Adoption is something we might look into, but not for a while yet. So, I'm also left with the thought that my daughter may be my only child.
I can sympathize, because on one hand I am so very content with her, and with how our lives are shaping up right now, but on the other hand there is always that yearning for another pregnancy, another newborn, another toddler to love.
I hope, beyond all hope, that you get another miracle.
Thinking of you.
*hugs*
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