Okay, well maybe that is an exaggeration - but not much of one! I have never been so bloated in all my life. I take that back...I have been. But it was when I was newly pregnant. I felt the same way - like I couldn't wait to get home at the end of the day so I could put sweatpants on and be more comfortable. I guess that would make sense though since much of the same hormones are racing through my system as during that time. I just wish it would have the same outcome as last time.
I am a ball of mixed emotion right now. On one hand, I am optimistic and hopeful. Everything went perfectly this cycle and there is NO reason why I shouldn't get pregnant. I am praying about every five minutes for a positive result. I went to church yesterday and I don't think I heard one word of the service because I was so busy having a seperate conversation with God. Begging.
On the other hand, I am already bracing myself for the bad news, putting together a "plan" for how I will proceed once I find out it didn't work. Much of this has to do with DH. I didn't even get a chance to post about how much his attitude has changed and how wonderful he was being before the other shoe dropped and he returned to his normal self. Unfortunatel, he picked the morning of our IUI to become his grumpy self. It was right after we collected his sample. I told him what a great feeling I had about this cycle - that I really, really thought this could be it. His response? Something along the lines of, I sure hope so because this is IT. It's just too much work.
Can you say BAD TIMING?? In that second, all my hopes and postive energy flew out the window. I just felt sad. I still do.
First of all, talk about putting the pressure on. Feeling like this has to work because it is our last chance adds so much stress to the situation and makes me feel a little desperate. Not that we have to have a definite decision either way but I would like to feel like the possibility is there. That we could do another IUI if we so choose. But he? Well, it's like he just slams the door in my face time and time again.
Second of all, too hard? Too much work? Too much time? Yes, to all. But more for me than him. I mean, seriously? Basically, he just had to go up one time and have an orgasm. With my help. I, on the other hand, had to drive up multiple times to have a ultrasound wand stuck up inside of me, take pills, shots and suppositories. Not to mention the cathetor that was threaded through my cervix up into my uterus.
I'm just having a hard time with him right now. It's like he plays God and can just decide for us. And that is so completely unfair. I had my own thoughts about how I would like to procede if this cycle doesn't work. I was thinking about taking a couple months off and/or possibly just using clomid with no IUIs, etc. and trying naturally. I thought maybe we could revisit another IUI in August or September. BUT, I didn't just make that decision and TELL him how it was going to be. I also didn't bring it up the morning of our IUI in the sample room (or whatever you would call it). I figured we discuss it - together - when the time was right.
Ugh. Again, I just wish I had a supportive, giving husband when it comes to all of this. But I don't and it sucks. I do not know what his problem is.
I do know what mine is...my stomach is huge and uncomfortable. I'm guessing this is all because of the progesterone. Will this last the next two weeks??
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4 comments:
I'm so sorry. I myself have had some experience dealing with a grumpy husband. The thing is, he's not saying what he's really feeling. Of course it's not too much work for him in terms of what he has to do, and he knows that. I think what was really going on inside his head when he said that was, "This is painful to go through over and over again. It makes me feel bad to try and to hope for something and have it not happen. It makes me weary and tired and it's especially hard for me since it's so hard for you. I know I'm 'supposed to' be the strong one here, since you are 'supposed to' be the one who suffers more in all this, but sometimes I feel sad about it and I want to be taken care of. But instead of saying all that, since I'm the man and I'm not as in touch with what's going on in my head and I certainly don't know how to express it, I'll just be grumpy and then maybe you will understand that I'm hurting too without my having to say it. The truth is, I don't actually believe that I won't try again if it doesn't work this time. It's just that at this moment I don't like the idea of having to try again."
Really, I feel like when men act like this, they are just being little boys throwing tantrums, saying, "I'm tired of taking care of you. I want to be the one who is taken care of for a little while." I have had to teach myself not to take all my husband's little tantrums so seriously, and more importantly, that he doesn't want me to. He is still your sweet husband, so forgive him this. I really think he's just saying it's hard for him too.
I am glad you are feeling positive. I hope so much that this is the one for you.
I am sorry your DH decided to rain on the parade...before it even got started. I am in complete agreement with Tam on this. I think he is just pouting and needs some reassurance. Maybe because it still smarts a bit for him to know he is the reason you all have to go through this for a baby. I know my DH was not thrilled with the specimen collection room, and I think it does take somewhat of a toll on their manhood to have to get their wife pregnant via IUI. Like they aren't man enough to do it on their own. You know? Anyway, I am PRAYING you are pregnant. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you were pregnant and I stayed pregnant and we could go through this together? I'll hold your hair back if you hold mine. ;)
-Leighann
I'm sorry your DH is being a dick about it. I'd never really stopped to think about it the way Tam put it, but maybe she's right.
Regardless though, he could still be a little less grumpy and little more supportive about everything. Here's to a positive outcome.
*hugs*
I'm sputtering at what he pulled. Maybe Tam is right, but I guess I find it a bit hard to feel sorry for him. He agreed to this after putting you through the ringer to get to that point, and then do this right before the IUI? Seriously? It just bugs me. I'm not saying that Husband was all goodness and light either, but geez.
Hopefull the bloat won't go away! (And yes, it will last for either a) as long as you are on the progesterone or b) are pregnant! Watch out for the upcoming boob inflation!)
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