They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.

They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting.

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying.

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round.

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could.
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do
what it is You think I should.


Another cycle, another failure. The song above isn't a perfect fit for infertility, I know that the meaning behind the words actually has nothing to do with infertility but it fits my mood. I took a test on Tuesday night. I was almost making myself sick wondering if the IUI worked or not. This was one of the worst cycles I ever had as far as hope goes. I had a lot of it. I REALLY wanted this to be the one and I juts had to know. So a took a test for the first time in about a year. It was about as negative as a pregnancy test can get. One dark, solid line and a whole lot of white space next to it.

I decided to go running. I hadn't run once in the 2ww in hopes of...what? I don't know, I guess maybe in fear of hindering implantation somehow? Stupid. So I tied my shoes tight, grabbed my music and headed out the door. I started running and the above song came on and it seemed to fit my mood so well that I started tearing up. And then, I think I had my first ever panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath and I started hyperventilating and I had to stop running. I was out there on my running path, all alone and I felt like my chest was going to explode. I was just SO angry. Angry and desperate. It's like being trapped and having no way out. There is NOTHING I can do about any of this. I have no control and at that moment, it hit me hard. It's like you have someone holding you down and the more you struggle against them, the harder they push and the more frustrated and angry you get. That is how I feel.

And at what point do you just give up? That is the reality of the situation, at some point you do have to quit. I will have to give up on this dream - or I will go nuts. I have had 37 cycles of this roller coaster. Of hoping and praying and grieving and sadness. I have had my spirit crushed 37 times. I AM so angry at the unfairness of it all.

So, that song above. When I heard those words Tuesday night, I sort of feel as though I was directing them at God. Or maybe a bit at my husband. And maybe at infertility itself.

Forgive? That sounds good. That means I will have made peace with IF and that would be wonderful. I am not there yet. Period.

Forget? I don't think anyone who has been through IF forgets. The more you distance yourself from it, the easier it is to ignore. But you don't forget because it has changed you and shaped you into a different person than you were before you battled it.

I'm not ready to make nice,I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round. Well, that just about says it all right now because I while I am not ready to make nice and I am not ready to give up, I do not have much time left. I do not have much left in me to keep battling this monster.

I can't bring myself to give up yet but I know that I will have to soon, because I am tired.