After a rough few days, I am finally doing okay. The more I distance myself from IF, the easier it is to cope. If I dwell on it or think about it often, it almost becomes unbearable. When I am in the middle of a treatment cycle, it becomes all-consuming. Right now, I am holding IF at arms length. I think I am in survival mode.
DH has flights almost non-stop over the next week so a treatment cycle was out of the question this cycle which puts us into a forced time-out. At first I was a little upset about this but I think it is probably for the best. It gives me a mental break, a break from the hope and the heartbreak. It also gives me a chance to decide if I am going back to our local clinic or back to my RE. I am pretty undecided on this one. Also, the question of injectables is still hanging over my head. Should we give an injectable cycle one shot before we quit? I just don't know.
I had a pretty crappy Mother's Day. Good in the sense that I had a wonderful, gorgeous son to spend it with but bad in that I had the flu and wasn't up for doing much at all. Yep, to top off the fun of our IUI failing and having to deal with the fun of my period, I woke up on Saturday and was puking by mid morning. It lasted almost exactly 24 hours so I guess it was just a quick virus. The worst part about it was that I had to send Keegan to my mother-in-laws because DH was working and I couldn't move off the couch. She, of course, thinks that I am pregnant now. She keep giving me these weird "private" looks as though we are sharing some secret. I hate it! My mom was no better, she asked me right away if I could be pregnant. I told her, "No. Not unless you want to borrow me $20,000 for IVF." I didn't get too much conversation out of her after that.
I guess I feel a little lost right now. I am not sure what direction I am going.
My fertile best friend and I had a good talk. Remember, she is five months pregnant with her third baby. I started venting to her one night last week about the (insert drama) unfairness of it all. She did a great job of listening (as she usually does) and let me talk and talk. She usually says all the right things, things such as, her heart is hurting for me, she feels helpless and wishes she could do something, anything. But this time she also said something to me that I keep replaying over and over in my head and I'm not really sure why. She said, "I wish I could feel your pain but I can't. I have no idea how you feel and I cannot relate in anyway. I'm sorry for that." I guess those words sort of stopped me in my tracks. I appreciate them because they are honest and true - she is doing the very best she can at supporting me but she can only do and say so much because she does not understand, she has not been through IF and she never will. I guess those words scared me a bit because it drew a line in the sand right then and there - we are different. VERY different when it comes to this. We will never share this experience and it made me feel like such an outsider from her world - from a normal world. Normal people do not know what it is like to not be able to make a baby with your husband. Her and I are best friends because we are so similar, we have grew up with very much the same experiences. We think alike and we process life so much the same. But this? IF? We are worlds apart.
And back to the part about being able to make a baby with your husband? I guess I've been having some trouble with that lately too. I feel awful even writing about it but I think I need to get it out. Up until the last month, I have never really thought of our IF problems as DH's problem - I've always thought of it as OUR problem. Lately, my mind has taken a different path. I guess it is out of frustration that my body seems to work perfectly and he has this small morphology problem - I just cannot believe that after all this time we are still unable to conceive. Last cycle, I had two follicles, everything (once again) looked perfect with me. That's what it comes down to - I CAN conceive. Just not with my husband. And that makes me so angry!! I know it is not his fault nor is it logical but I started getting angry with him. I am a total over-analyzer so I have thought long and hard about this anger and I think it comes not from the fact that his body doesn't work but more from how he has handled our IF from the beginning. I feel like I have made all the sacrifices, I have done all the research, I have gone through all the procedures and even had surgery. I have kept all my emotions in check at all times - for HIS sake. That makes me angry. Never once in all this time have I felt that I could talk to him in detail about all my thoughts and fears. Never once have I been able to lean on him through this nightmare. And it is HIS problem!! His body not working properly is the reason we are not conceiving, yet I am always the one holding the torch.
He sets "rules" and restrictions. He sets deadlines. He decides. That makes me mad.
I meant what I said when we got back from Florida, I do think we need to set a deadline and I do think that the three year mark is a good one to aim for. I am tired too, I need to bring closure to the wounds IF has left. I agree with that. BUT I do wish we could have discussed IVF a bit more, I wish he did not hold that deadline over my head at all times and mention it over and over again. "We're done in September." Yes, I know. Believe me, I know.
I wish the last five years had not been a constant butting of heads, of battling and arguing. I wish he would have held me as I cried at least once because he never has. I have never once cried to him about IF. Not once.
the last few months, I have felt more on the same page as him than I ever have before. We've been able to talk about treatment like adults and without arguing and that has been a relief. I can bring up an IUI cycle without him freaking out. But I still don't feel as though we are in this together, you know? I've never felt that way.
I know many of you will tell me to talk to him but I won't. It doesn't work with him. I am guessing it is because the problem lies with him - he feels insecure about it and therefore, he acts the way he does. That is just a guess. Whenever it comes to IF discusses, he closes the book. There is no depth to that conversation and I know there never will be.
Whew. I guess I had more frustration in me than I knew. Especially, with him.
I guess that is enough for today. If you've made it this far, I'm impressed. Go do something worthwhile with your time instead of listening to me whine! :)
2 comments:
Hey you. I have been following along as usual. And I'm so sorry. And yeah, it sounds like your husband is being a jerk. It does sound like he's insecure about the fact that it's his problem, etc. You are not wrong to have these feelings. I think you are quite justified. And they're feelings anyway, so it's not like you can control them.
In any event, I want to make a suggestion that I hope isn't too obnoxious and people have probably suggested it to you before... Have you considered going the acupuncture route? I have learned that it helps SO MANY PEOPLE. People with unexplained infertility, women with all sorts of problems, and men with sperm problems too! Look, I figure if you've ruled out IVF, acupuncture is a natural, non-invasive option. The difficulty is that since he's the one with the problem, he'd probably have to be the one getting the acupuncture. Actually, maybe both of you. It helps everyone. But maybe if you don't think of it as continuing to try and get pregnant (so your deadline doesn't loom), and you just sort of consider it a lifestyle "addiiton" for him that will make him healthier all around, that could do the trick? I don't know, it's worth a shot. Is there a way you can find a good acupuncturist in the area specializing in fertility? I really think you might be surprised by the results. Just consider looking into it....
I apologize to you if this is not what you want to hear. I feel like if it's something you've never really considered, it might really upset you to hear this, because you think there's no way you're going to do it--and that I don't want. But just spend some time thinking about it, don't feel like this is a must-make decision at this moment.
You know, I feel what you're saying - even though my infertility problem is me, and not DH. Because in our situation, DH puts the limits on what we can do as well, and I honestly try not to talk to him about it too much, for fear that he will change his mind and shut it all down completely. He knows I want one more baby. He has always known I want two kids, but I feel like this infertility battle is my own. And mine only. He is fine to just raise our son and be done. He would end it all today if I said the word. No objections from him. He goes along with some of what I want just to placate me. It sucks to feel like you aren't a team. So I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel. And honestly, I am not going to badmouth your DH. Because I know my DH isn't the way he is about our situation because he wants to upset me or make my life more difficult. He does love me and care about me, and he wants me to have what I want...but he's a guy. And he's not a come-pour-your-heart-out-to-me kind of guy. He never will be. But that's why I have people like you in my life. Another woman out there in infertility land who understands. We aren't in the exact same situation, but it's close enough. Heck, our boys are only a few months apart in age! Anyway, what I am trying to say (and rambling a bit in the process) is that I understand how you feel. More than you know.
-Leighann
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