A need to control

When I was trying to conceive the first time around I started running. It gave me back some control in my life (or so I liked to think). It also was a great stress reliever and I started liking my body once again. I figured, if I wasn't going to get fat and pregnant, then I should look good! Anyway, I often used to run to the younger Simp*son sister. There was something about the underlying anger in her voice that pushed me as I ran and made me want to yell, "Yeah, F You!" to the world and more specifically, to infertility.

I ended up pregnant and due to hyperemesis (I couldn't catch a break if I tried), I quit running. I also quit listening to the junior simp*son. Plus her family scares me, but that's another post. It's been four years - four years! And I find myself back in that same mind frame. I need to control something, anything. I think it may be time to start running again. I dug through my old CDs and pulled out miss simp*son, cranked up the volume and sat here in my office feeling an odd sense of deja vu. Here I am again. And I think I need to do something or I may freak out. Or just wallow in self pity.

The only problem is, things have changed a little in the last four years so finding the time will be a bit harder. I now have a three year old that demands much of my time. Being a working mother, I like every spare minute with him in the evenings. By the time we get him to sleep (now that it's light out until 9pm) it is usually around 9pm. After working 8-9 hours, making supper, doing the bedtime routine, etc, I am usually wiped out. I'd rather sit on the couch and eat a Yo*rk pepper*mint patty which is my most favorite thing in the world but truly does nothing for my ass.

Also, we used to live in a residential neighborhood and so I would head right out the door and start running - it was very convenient. Now, we live outside city limits on a highway and it is not very condusive to running. I am required to get in my car and drive somewhere to run.

All excuses, I know. Plenty of other people find the time and I can too. I am going to try really hard to go tonight. I think once DH comes home I will let him play with Keegan and I'll go for an hour or so before dinner.

In other news, I did go ahead with another cycle of Clomid. Not the most exciting news but there it is just the same. I am on CD8 and so I have tonight and tomorrow left to take it. I'm not really thinking that it will do the trick but at least I'm not sitting idle. At least it is something. And spitting out two eggs (presumably) instead of one won't hurt our situation. DH and I still have not had the talk, the one where we decide what we are going to do. I'm sure we'll cross that bridge sometime soon but right now I am okay with waiting and not having a plan. I kept thinking that I'd like to try IUI again in September but now that is only one and a half cycles away and I'm not sure I'll be ready yet. Or that DH will, obviously. In my eyes, it is just that much closer to another disappointment and I don't think I am ready to face another one of those yet.