I haven't been updating and I guess that is because I don't know what to say.
I've been dealing with the aftermath of my sister spilling the beans to the family as well as helping her move forward with wedding plans. She told our family last weekend and I won't lie. It was pretty tough. Not on her, but on me. Our family was suprised but very supportive and even excited. Why wouldn't they be? A wedding and a new baby? Those are fun and exciting events in a family. The wedding? I'm super excited about. The baby? I am so damn jealous that it almost makes me sick. I just can't help it. I am SO jealous and I cannot stop wishing it would happen to me too. I keep imagining the day that her baby is born and still not being pregnant and how devestating that would be. And how unfair to her that would be - to have me, her sister, being completely selfish on such an important day. Not that I'd ever in a million years let on that I was feeling that way. Just like now, I'm acting like mary sunshine about it all when deep down I feel like there is a big gaping hole in my heart.
I guess that is why I am throwing myself into helping plan her wedding. I can focus on that and how much fun it'll be. I can seperate the baby from the wedding and show true excitement about it. I'm also working on planning a wedding shower and that's fun too.
Life goes on and I'm trying to be thankful for what I do have because it is a lot more than many people have. I have a wonderful husband and an amazing little boy and we are all doing well. I have a good job and a nice house. I have a loving family and support system. Summer is almost here and it is ever so slowly warming up around here. I can't wait until it is hot and humid (I'm weird, I know. It must be the long, cold MN winters that make me long for humidity).
I wish I could be fully content with one child but I'm not. And it isn't about Keegan, he is wonderful and the absolute light of my life. But, I do feel in my heart of hearts that someone is missing from our family.
We're not complete yet.
5 comments:
Thanks for updating. It sounds so hard. I know it feels so, so unfair. Things like this are the kind of agony that makes you want to hide in bed until it goes away, and every time you think of it you squeeze your eyes shut hoping maybe you'll just be dreaming and it won't be true. And it just doesn't go away. I know.
I'm with you. I know my sister-in-law is going to try again soon for her second and I know it's going to happen easily for her, and I'm just waiting for that day coming soon when she declines a beer or something, and I'll know, and it will hurt so badly.
I'm thinking of you lots.
Thanks for dropping by, too. It's really good to hear from you and know you're out there.
I'm glad you updated. I know its hard...and it's going to be for awhile, but it's good to see you check in. I have been checking your blog daily.
Thinking of you often...
Leighann
*hugs*
I can imagine how hard it is on you, and I really hope that you have a big belly getting in the way when you are holding your newborn niece or nephew. If by chance it doesn't happen that way, I know that you are still going to love that child endlessly.
Have fun planning the wedding and the shower.
*hugs*
I've been there...
We had our daughter via IVF back in 2005, and last summer we tried again with an FET which resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I was devastated. I wasn't sure we'd ever get our second child. Then in October after we'd gone on a family vacation with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law, my brother calls and tells me I'm going to be an aunt. My sister in law had gotten messed up with her birth control somehow and she was pregnant. Now, they know nothing of our infertility, b/c we don't share that with anyone other than our parents, so of course I couldn't expect them to understand how it might feel for me to hear that after a loss and knowing it might not ever happen again for us.
I was ecstatic for them, b/c I thought they'd be great parents...and at the same time I was insanely jealous that they were able to accidentally get pregnant after missing a few pills. I went back and forth with it...feeling sorry for myself a little and being happy for them.
They were so excited, despite it being unplanned, and then at 9 weeks the baby only measured 8 weeks and had no heartbeat. They were devastated, and I felt like a douchebag for ever feeling so jealous. And of course, now I'm the pregnant one (of course accomplished via another fresh IVF cycle), and they're coming up on what would have been their due date. They have to watch me go through the baby prep, knowing they can't try again right now b/c my brother would miss the birth if they did due to being deployed early next year. So, the roles are reversed....they're ecstatic for me and probably jealous all at once.
So, I think your emotions are completely normal....you can be happy for her and insanely jealous all at the same time, and it sounds like that's probably how you're feeling. Good luck helping her through this time while dealing with your own feelings. I think it's great that you're keeping it to yourself and not making her feel guilty for what she can't really control. Hopefully, your next time will come...and soon!
I know that this sucks-different situation, but my SIL was pregnant during our frustrations and bleak days before we were successful with Son. It was so hard to be happy for them (they had unexplained infertility for almost seven years) but not let on. You're better than me-I couldn't even make it to her shower I was such a mess.
I also understand how you don't feel complete. I had the same feelings. (((Hugs))) I can't say that it will get better right now, but we're here for you.
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