I don't really know what to write about right now because I'm in such limbo. I can't really write about infertility because, well, I feel as though I've said just about everything I can say about it over the last six years. It sucks and is not fair, there is nothing left for me to say that I haven't already.
I can't write about treatments or where I currently am in my cycle because I am not doing any treatments and I don't even know what CD it is, nor do I care.
I can't write about our plans for the near future, IF wise, because I don't know. And at this point, I don't care.
Actually, I really haven't been thinking of IF much at all lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm just taking it as it comes. I am making plans for the upcoming year that have absolutely nothing to do with IF or TTC and it feels good.
I am joining a gym and planning a schedule that will allow me to take a few fitness classes. I am helping my sister with her wedding plans next May, including bridesmaid dress shopping. We picked out dresses this week and have plans to get fitted in early November and for once, I am not worried about the possibility of being pregnant during either the fitting or the wedding.
I bought two bottles of wine for this weekend (we're heading to the cabin), I didn't even think twice about it or try and figure out where I'll be in my cycle.
I have decided that we are taking at least one very adult only type of vacation to somewhere warm this winter and I am so excited. It's been five years since we've done this sort of trip. I'd also like to plan a long weekend getaway with my husband for sometime this fall. Our schedules have been so busy that we really haven't had any quality alone time in ages.
I'm thinking ahead to fall (my most favorite season!) and working on my photography. I'm waiting for the leaves to change and for Keegan to start preschool again. I'm school shopping and signing him up for swimming lessons. I'm looking forward to the busy days of summer coming to an end and having some weekends with absolutely nothing scheduled for a change.
I'm getting used to thinking of Keegan as an only child and working on being okay with it. I'm thinking of holidays and birthdays and family vacations as a family of three. I am taking deep breaths when I get frustrated and learning to count the blessings that I do have.
No where in any of these thoughts or plans does another IUI cycle cross my mind. Not in any real "I need to make a plan" form anyway.
It really feels as though we may be done. Does it feel like that to you too?
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3 comments:
I really admire you. I love your approach to life right now. Sometimes, with infertility, it can be so hard to see the blessings we have because we are so busy focusing on the one thing we *don't* have. With everything I have had going on with selling and buying a new house, I have had to put TTC on the back burner (my surgery is still two months away!) and I am okay with it. I am focusing more on the GOOD things in my life. And I am realizing there are many. Even though I am not at the point of throwing in the towel just yet, I am inspired by your post. And I hope to obsess a little less about this process and to have a more positive outlook on life. Good luck to you, Angie. I am always hoping for nothing but good things for you!
-Leighann
I admire and envy the place of calm that you seem to be coming from. I hope that in my near future I can come to some sort peace as well. Thank you for this post.
I've honestly been there for awhile. While we are not technically "done", I've tried very hard not to let IF rule my life over the last three years. I made the decision very early on (when I figured it wasn't going to happen easily for us again), to be content with what I already had. It has made it a lot easier to cope with IF.
We may go down the treatment road next year, but for now I'm not planning it, thinking about it or worrying about weather or not it will work.
I'm glad you have come to a sense of peace about it Angie. I'm happy to hear you are living your life for the now that you have instead of the "what-if". I know IF will always have a place in your life, but I'm glad it's lost it's power.
Enjoy yourself honey, you deserve it.
*hugs*
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