DH and I got into a BIG argument about infertility on Friday night. I really don't even know how or why it started but regardless, it did not end well.
Through this whole process, including the 18 months it took to conceive Keegan, he has been less than supportive. In fact, he has been so emotionally detached from the process and from me (when it comes to TTC) that I have learned to distance myself and my feelings about it from him. I do not think this is healthy in the least but I do not know how else to handle the situation with him.
I don't really know how to write this post without making him sound like a complete asshole but I do want to state that he is not. He is not a jerk, he is a good husband and a wonderful father. He just is a nightmare for me when it comes to all of this infertility shit and I really need to vent. I don't know if it is because he is the one with "the problem" or if it is just his nature but he is NOT supportive in the least. He'll go through the motions, to a point, and that is it. We are not a team in this endeavor, not even close. It has always been a huge issue with me but until Friday night, I was willing to overlook it. Now, not so much.
I read all these other blogs with husbands that hold hands, wipe tears, invest time and energy into the process and are just "there" for their wives. This is not my husband. In fact, during our fight he told me that he was sick of me getting upset when I get my period. He was sick of me letting my cycle run our lives and that we shouldn't have to plan our schedules around it. I, for one, completely agree - but hello, that is the BITCH of infertilty. We have no choice. I told him that and also that if I wanted to get "upset" or scream or cry or anything else when I get my period, I have every right. I am allowed to get upset and show emotion and that if fact, I was sick of him not showing emotion.
He also said I was obssessive?? He doesn't have a clue.
The thing that really pisses me off is that I truly do not show as much emotion as I feel when my period shows up or any other time for that matter. For the record, I do not cry. Certainly, not in front of him. I do not talk about the majority of what I am dealing with, day-to-day, with him. I purposely talk to him as little as possible about all of it because I know he wants to avoid it all as much as possible. I do most of my venting, talking, analyzing online because he does not want me to talk about it to anyone in real life. He even asked me not to talk to my best friend about it. It sucks!! Just because he pretends that none of it is happening does't mean it isn't. And it is not healthy to hold it in.
He also said at one point that he had done his part. Are you kidding me??? He has had to go in for TWO sperm analysis, and one IUI. That's it, folks. That is the extent of his involvement and discomfort. I have to temp every day, buy (at $50 a box) and take OPKs every month, have much more intrusive testing (such as an HSG, vaginal exams, ultrasounds, ect.), bleed and cramp every month and most recently, have a clamp around my cervix while a cathetor is insterted into my uterus. In the future, if there is one, I'll also have to endure various hormonal changes due to fertilty drugs and then more of the same as above.
If we are successful (ha!), then I get to puke for five months, get fat, have my internal organs completely rearranged inside of me due to a growing baby, heartburn, sleepless nights and a million other issues associated with pregnancy ending in pushing a baby out of my vagina.
Then comes breastfeeding....
I'm just so tired of all of it. I know he is too but he doesn't know the half of it.
I don't know what his problem was that night but he said so many hurtful and just plain mean things that it still makes me angry when I think of it. I couldn't even stand to look at him for the whole day afterwards and maybe said one or two words to him - not because was hold a grudge but because I truly did not want to look at his face.
Two days later, he is being as sweet as pie. Like none of it ever happened. It's miserable for me. Once yesterday, he looked at me and asked if I had ever talked to the doctor about a follow report from our IUI (having to do with his sperm) and I looked at him like he had 10 heads. Because seriously? Does he remember the fight? I didn't even bother to respond. And also? All you internet people know that I have spoken to the doctor - isn't it funny that he doesn' know? That's because I do not feel comfortable talking to him about it for fear that he thinks I am "obsessing".
Then last night, I was watching TV when that show, I can make you thin, came on. I've never seen it but DH walked out right when it came on and I said, "Hey - this guy is going to make me thin!" I was just kidding but do you know what DH's response was?? He smiled and said, "I don't want you thin, I want you fat and pregnant." Normally, that would have been a very sweet comment but not after he has said to me that he thinks we should just give up, that he cannot take of more day of this crap. What is wrong with him?
I am so sick of going through this all alone. I actually get jealous when I read about other husbands in this situation. That is just ridiculous.
I don't know where we go from here. I truly don't.
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3 comments:
Crap. That sucks. I don't think your DH is an a-hole...I think he's a guy. Which means he can be a lot less emotional, and a lot more removed from the situation (even though the infertility is male factor) than you get to be. He can't possibly understand how frustrating it is to want to be pregnant (despite it's not-so-pleasant side effects like puking and weight gain), to watch seemingly everyone around you get pregnant, and to fail month after month despite all the best laid plans. And only another female in the throes of infertility can fully understand how damn frustrating it is to time sex perfectly for the umpteenth month in a row only to have AF show up right on time - or if we're lucky, a day or two late just to tease us. And then when you move on to infertility treatments, of course it's the woman who has to endure all of it - and that's probably a good thing because a man couldn't handle even a tenth of what we put up with during treatment. And infertility is a lot like gambling...you throw all your money at it, with the odds stacked against you, praying to succeed, only to have AF show up. Then you realize not only did you set your emotions up for failure, but you just threw a significant sum of money out the window in the process. Money that you really wanted to spend on a vacation to get away from your day to day life of dealing with the crap of being infertile. But like you said, who has time to take a vacation? You need to be around for the next cycle and all the doctor visits that takes. And no way you can take a month off to "just chill" because that causes even more distress since that means a month wasted, and there have already been too many months that have gone by.
Angie, I completely understand. I just want you to know that you do have an outlet here...people are reading (me!!) that empathize with you. You are not alone. I know it sucks not to have the fully engaged husband who will cry with you as AF shows up once again, and who hugs you when you get wind of yet another friend's pregnancy, but you do have support.
I'm thinking of you and praying for your miracle. ((HUGS))
Leighann
You are not alone. Not even a little bit. My DH is like that to a T. Completely unsymathetic and unsupportive, especially with TTC and pregnancy. I didn't have hypermesis, like you did, but I was close. The very first time I mentioned, didn't complain, just mentioned, that I didn't feel well, he told me to "suck it up". Men truly just don't get it. I think you should print out the parts of the post with the things that YOU have to go through, and give it to him. As for being obsessive...he doesn't know the half of it. Neither does my husband. I've actually told him before that he is LUCKY he has a wife who doesn't cry about it, or obsess about it nearly as much as some women do. Man, what would they do if we really did wear our true feelings on our sleeves!
Good Luck to you my friend. I hope that this month is a success.
*hugs*
The word "obsessed" was used by my dh more than once we we were TTC as well, which I thought was unfair. Like you, I didn't make a big deal out of it, but I did expect him to care and support me. He wouldn't even consent to a SA unless he "had" to- it was very frustrating and I don't know how I would have coped if we had not been so lucky with the Clomid. Leighann said it well in that I think men can be more removed from the process - they really don't understand what it's like for their wives. Hugs to you and I hope your journey goes more smoothly soon.
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