Thoughts of a new year

Unless a Christmas miracle took place, I am about to enter another new year without being pregnant. I've been a pretty quiet blogger lately and I'm not really sure why that is. I guess because I have been taking some time off from TTC and therefore have not been completely wrapped up in my cycle, treatments or symptoms. And it has been a nice change of pace. Not nice enough to get out of the game for good just yet, but nice just the same.

I mentioned it before and I've been trying really hard to realize that there truly may not be a baby for me at the end of this road. I've been trying to envision a new reality with this outcome and what my life will look like. I've been trying to picture each one of my younger sisters as they continue to announce pregnancies - I have four younger sisters so that is A LOT of picturing. I've been doing everything within my mental power to be genuinely happy and at peace with the fact that my sister is going to have a baby in three weeks or less. As the result of an accidental pregnancy.

I've been trying. And most days? It works.

The only thing that I stumble upon is the idea that Keegan will never have a sibling. That just makes me so very sad and then I have to start trying all over again.

It's a lot of work.

There is so much to be thankful for in my life and I am blessed beyond words that I was able to experience pregnancy, birth and life with my amazing son. I focus on that and it puts so much into perspective. I still don't think it is fair, but I am trying to accept that I have no control over any of this. Hell, I am trying accept period.

This new year will bring another IUI, maybe two and, of course, hope. It also brings a hard reality - if we are not successful in the next couple of cycles, this year will bring with it the end of TTC. The end of a dream.

I really hope it does not end that way. But it might. And that is what I am busy doing during this quiet time. Mentally preparing. Of course, I've also been working like crazy, hosting Christmas, spending time with family and eating a ton. But you get the picture.