A new week

Last week was HORRIBLE. I was doing way too much internalizing and after some not so nice comments from DH Friday morning - I just exploded. I started crying and felt like I would never stop and it would never be okay again. DH had been crabby and short with me all week and it was really wearing on me. I was so wrapped up in my own hurt that I just did not have the energy to deal with his too.

All week, I had been feeling so sad and mostly angry. I was digging really, really deep to just go about my day and somehow function somewhat normally at work. On top of it, I was coming off of all the fertility meds from the last six weeks and I'm sure that added to my emotional state. I also had the worst period I've ever had (to be expected, I'm sure) but man, I had terrible cramps that would keep me up at night, headaches and I was bleeding like crazy. Although, by Thursday my period seemed to have stopped.

On Friday morning as I was getting ready for work I felt a huge gush. I looked down and I had blood all over my robe. It just added to my anger because WTH? I am not used to this shit and I was sick of it all. I cleaned myself up, dropped my robe in the laundry and continued to get ready. Enter DH. He started making some crappy comments to me that I won't even get into but I was doing my best a blowing him off a bit and told him repeatedly that we could talk about it that evening after work as I was leaving in about 10 minutes and now just was not the time. That's when he said something along the lines of, "This week has just not been very enjoyable." While that comment is not horrible - it was said at the worst possible time and with a mean tone. That, my friends, is when I lost my shit. I mean seriously? Not ENJOYABLE? How about completely, absolutely, horseshit? How about want to curl up in a ball under the covers and never come out? How about just concentrating on breathing in and out so you don't start crying and never stop? Not enjoyable my ass.

So, as I was spouting off about all this, he somehow noticed all the blood on my robe and immediately was like, "Why are you bleeding so much?? What's going on??" to which I promptly replied, "My body is fucked up just like everything else in my life!!" Yep, it was not one of my better moments. At that point all my anger drained out and I just felt sad, defeated and alone. I also realized that I had been feeling very alone all week and that wasn't right. DH and I should be leaning on each other - not turning on each other. He must have realized it too because his demeanor changed at that point too and he started hugging me and telling me he loved me.

Needless to say, it was not an ideal state to go to work in. Ugh, I was a mess.

Friday night, we talked more and it helped a lot. I think we were both just very angry and in his case, he was directing at me just because it was easy to do. In my case, I kept everything inside and let it fester until I freaked out. It is so hard to have all this anger inside of you and no one to direct it at! But the truth is, there really is no one to blame and no one to point the finger at. It's nobody's fault that our IVF didn't work and we can't conceive another baby. It is what it is and that is hard to accept.

This week is going much better and DH and I are once again working together and leaning on each other more. I am still very sad and still angry but I am in a better place than I was last week.